Quick recap - can also see whole story on my other 2 posts. Anyway, after 6 wks of *bad* Plan A & one huge LB last Sat, my WH says he wants to call it quits. I tell him "no", that I love him & will keep trying to save our M. But I tell him if he wants his space, he can have it, and I stopped all contact with him (previously I was e-mailing & calling him daily). He called Mon nite on pretext that he thought I'd called him, was worried, etc. I said no, I was asleep! Then Wed I ask him if he wants to cancel vacation in Oct, he replies yes and then says he still hasn't changed his mind, he wants to call it quits. I don't reply.

Now, this morning I receive this. What is going on????!!!! How do I answer???

Here is his note:

*********** START WH's NOTE ******

Hi Baby,
I cancelled my plane ticket to ____ (vacation we were going on) and changed my reservation back to the 26th. So I'll be arriving home that afternoon.

I'm still a little unsure about what to do next, but I'm thinking of only staying a day or two and then flying back to the US for the remainder of Oct until my next hitch in _____ (his work location). What's your opinion on that?

You never did get back with any more news about your conversations with your counselor. Tell me what ur thinking.

Have you gotten anything from Visa? I need to get that bill paid and they were supposed to have setup an online access for me. Also, I was wondering if you had any success separating out my credit card from your online access. I'd really like to have that back as well but you've got it locked up.

Love from your miserable and depressed husband,

********** END WH's NOTE ***********

Well, that's it. What does it sound like to you? What is he thinking? Mostly.... how do I respond???? Please help me.

<small>[ September 21, 2002, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Isn't if funny, you start pulling away and they start coming towards you, it was very interesting the way he signed that letter!! It sounds like he really doesn't know what he wants, either. If I were you, I would respond to his specific questions, make sure you respond kindly. Don't discuss any Relationship talk in your response, it may push him away.

OK, so this is how I finally responded. I tried to stick to direct questions. But I did get a little into R-issues by telling him I haven't changed my mind about us. Mainly because he has always accused me of being so changeable that he never knows I'll be there for him (and this was before A & Fog). Also, we don't see each other - he has been gone since Sep 1 - so I don't have chance to show him how I feel, only tell him thru e-mails.

I would really appreciate your advice. Did I say too much, too little??? What is WH's emotional state, what is he possibly thinking??? And am I doing right thing by responding when he calls or writes, but otherwise keeping NC??? (I can't believe that I'm *supposed* to be an intelligent woman and can't even make decisions about simple things like this! I feel so out of control!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

******** START MY REPLY ***************
Hi, Baby -
Funny you should mention it - I was just working on our bills and accounts. I'm puttering around the house today, paying bills, cleaning house, watching CNN & yelling at TV. Just being lazy... and enjoying it. :-)

Your credit card will be un-registered from my online account by Wed next week. It takes 72 hours. I did get notice from Visa... let's see, what did they say? yep, here it is - $xx payment required.

I don't know what to tell you about your plans for Oct, sweetheart. What do you want to do? You know it's entirely up to you where you go and how long you stay. Don't worry about me - I'm fine with whatever you decide. I'll be glad to talk to you about it if you want, but I just didn't know what you were asking so couldn't offer an opinion.

I saw my counselor on Wed. Great session - I really really like her. Common sense, logic, no nonsense or psycho babble. Not much to tell as we didn't talk about a whole lot other than me and what I need to do to work on myself. She said no sense talking about you and marriage as we (or I) can't do anything about that. Just work on things we can fix, she said. Made sense to me!

You ask what I'm thinking. My dear husband, I told you that in my note last Sunday. Is that what you are asking about? If so, I haven't changed. What you do is your decision, but I know what I want - you, us, our marriage, for better or worse - or like the song goes, forever and ever amen. I am sorry you're so unhappy.

I love you lots. See you on the 26th.

********* END MY REPLY *************

Took me HOURS to compose & I'm still agonizing if I did it right. What a waste of my valuable time & emotional resources. And yet I feel like I'm obsessed! I feel like if I don't get it just right that it'll end everything and if I do get it perfect then that might be the *CLICK* he needs. What a mess this all is...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:22 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Hi,

Quick response......

Don't say that you 'will be fine with whatever he decides'. Don't say that unless you WILL be.

You can say that his decision is what he needs to do and then you will make yours. Leave your end open. In the A, the WS often demands to know where the BS is at all times. However the BS does not have the same rights with the WS.

Is that fair??? No. So don't play on different turfs on this issue. You have not wasted your time and effort composing your response. Let him know where the business (family/finance, etc) and responsbiilites lies. Do NOT enable the A by making decisions or bailing him out. However, protect yourself. Fine line at times but still neccessary.

take care,
L.

Hi, Orchid -
Thanks so much for replying! I've seen your replies to others many times and always think you make so much sense. Your state of mind has become my goal and reference point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think I AM fine with whatever he wants to do. Altho maybe I did bail him out by saying that - it gives him an easy out. Still, I thought long & hard about putting that sentence in. I finally decided I wanted him to know that he doesn't need to worry about coming home & having me LB all over him. And he doesn't need to worry about *not* coming home & having me go ballistic.

If he comes home and stays for the entire month, I will be overjoyed - that is what I really want. (Tho I never explicitly say so in my note, but only reiterate at end that I love him and want our M. I was afraid of being too pushy, too needy, whatever.) I feel like I still need to prove to him and mainly to myself that I can change. I never did a good Plan A, and I want that chance.

If he decides to go back to US, I think I'll be okay with that too because distance has made me more detached and better able to cope, better able to focus on myself and not him. Perhaps it will do him good as well.

So I go back & forth - should I tell him what I want (i.e. to have him here at home)? Does it matter to him what I want, based on what he says in his note & the fact that he last said he wants to call it quits & has not retracted? Will it drive him further away if I say what I want?

You're right - it is such a fine line! I am going crazy trying to figure out what is best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:22 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

My state of mind??!?! Oh no..... LOL!!

Pray for a clear mind!!!

Many a BS felt as you expressed; however when the WS does come home and is grouchy, in withdrawal and keeps the A going while back at home, the BS eventually gets to the point where that kind of behavior is abuse and not tolerated. So decide how you are willing to have him back. As a cake man or as your H?

It may take you a while to get to that state of mind and heart. Your emotional self sways back and forth right now (very normal). You wnat to do all to fix and help the WS but the WS does not want nor need the help of the BS. See they can already walk but they prefer for the BS to do the walking for them.

Think about this before you take him back regardless of his state of mind and heart.

take care,
L.

Oops. Sorry.

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Update....

I've been agonizing over how to treat WH while in Plan A. Especially when he comes home on Sunday. He says he's only going to stay a few days then head on to US before his next month at work starts. I want him here, I want him to go on holiday with me, I want him the whole month he's off! But I didn't want to tell him what to do, or even offer my opinion - might sound too controlling, his *big* LB. Still, I did ask if he wanted to go on holiday with me next week instead of heading straight back to US. He said he'd think about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yeah, just keep me guessing! I wondered if I'd pushed again or what I should be saying and doing.

Finally decided I needed the expert's advice & called Jennifer. She says: stick with good Plan A, try to (respectfully) convince him to stay at home all month, let him know what I want & what I think, don't discuss A or OW, be natural and loving but not overpowering. Especially try to get him to go on holiday, as we'll be backpacking with friends which is one of our favorite things to do. That should help re-stock his Love Bank. And continue with no LB's to further increase it.

As to when to Plan B: Jennifer's advice was, out of sight out of mind so be careful before going to Plan B. My thoughts exactly - I'm not ready for Plan B yet. Maybe later, when I prove I can do a good Plan A and have shown real & significant changes in myself. Till then, it's all just words.

Also went to IC yesterday and showed her WH's e-mails for her analysis. She says they're not "I want to quit" notes, that he's confused and is looking for help. What a strange situation this is. Everyone can see WH needs help, we all know he's doing the wrong thing, and he just keeps heading towards the edge of the cliff. I think deep down even he knows he's doing the wrong thing. But it's like there's something driving him toward that edge, and I can't figure out what that is, and worst of all I can't save him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:23 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>