Why is it so easy to give someone advice but not heed it yourself. I am somewhat confused with my life/marriage. H is abusive in every sense of the word. We (kids and I) have to walk on eggshells just to keep some sort of sanity in the home. H tries very hard to convince us that we are the problem...not him. He has cheated, hit, put down, degraded us in every way possible. He shows no respect for us or our property. I cannot talk to him about anything. He explodes right away and uses this tactic to push me away so we don't have to talk. The last time I approached him was in March this year. I just said, "We need to talk. We have some major problems" to which he yelled back immediatly, "NO, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU NEED TO LEARN YOUR PLACE AND GET IN IT". The kids can't stand him and have begged me to leave him. Then he gets charming and nice and I feel sorry for him because I don't want to hurt him,(don't ask me why I feel this way, he has all but destroyed us) He lies, slams doors, and constantly shows signs of total disgust with us. Then he will do a 180 and (usually about the time I have had it) and want to be all loving and expect me to respond. I don't know what to do anymore, but the longer I try and the longer I'm here the worse I feel. I do not love him anymore. I don't wish anything bad on him but I cannot stand living like this. He is very much a control freak and I have become very independent. He hates it that I like my job, that I have hobbies I like. He acts like he hates for me to enjoy anything but him. He is jealous of any time I spend with the kids or anything else for that matter. Lately he has said and done some things that make no sense at all and when I ask him what he means he acts like I am crazy or just plain stupid. He plays head games with me and the kids. He just seems like he can't stand us, then acts hurt if we don't bow down to him. I am just trying to see what he sees, but its giving me a headache! I wonder if he is not happy here (obviously) and doesn't want to be with us, but doesn't want to leave. He has some pretty wild mood swings and personality changes. I have cnsidered that he may have some disorder but he will not seek help or even evaluation of such. I have ben putting up with this for 22 years. I wish I could get the courage to walk away and not care if he hurt or not. Any suggestions or advice welcome.
Thanks
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From my past childhood/teen experience in almost the exact same atmosphere you describe (except that my father was an abusive alcoholic as well) for the sake of yourself and your children, get out, get out, get out. My mother decided to stay numerous occasions even though we, as kids, begged her to leave. It only got worse and has had a profound effect on each one of myself and my siblings' lives probably forever. We are each one dysfunctional in our own families and personal lives as a result of existing in that atmosphere and my mother now is tormented with guilt for not taking action. Ultimately, my father committed suicide, living alone because we all couldn't wait to escape but not until he tried to kill my mother, scarred us all permanently and did some time in a psychiatric hospital (obviously not enough). She tried to change him, he promised to change but it never happened with dire consequences to all concerned. Her main concern I feel was not an emotional attachment to him but a financial one. Neither of them had good paying jobs and just managed to scrape by and she was afraid she couldn't make it on her own with three kids. For their sake, please try. God be with you. You are in my prayers as of reading your post.

Thank you so much sadsong. I talked with a friend of mine this am about this. I always wondered why H mother stayd with his father who was the same way, and here I am doing the same thing. I think at this point some of my dependence is financial.

It has caused damage to the kids. My oldest if haveing a very tough time getting going in life because of the emotional damage. I feel like I have given it too much time and am ready to make my move. It really helps to have a little confirmation that I am doing the right thing. My thinking is really twisted because I feel bad for him and don't want to hurt him but I cannot allow him to hurt us anymore. I wish I was a little bit meaner spirited than I am.
Thanks again, your words helped much more than you probably realize.
Free

Free indeed,

There is no justification in this world that justifies a person repeatedively hitting and emotional abusing another person...NONE...

You need a plan..it is as serious as life and death. You and the children are in grave danger. You can not change him you can only change you.

It is imperative that you do everything you can to get you and your children to safety. Every community has assistance for this.

You must get help and must put your safety first. Contact YOUR local shelter..there are tons of people and resources to help you...take the time you need to do what you must but ALWAYS keep in mind that you and your childrens safety comes first.

You need a plan and there are people who will help you...you must for the children and your self stop living in a cycle of abuse...that's not life....22 years is a long time to live like that...

There are no excuses...none of his hurt feeling, potential disorders, infidelities or any other term one can come up with justifies hitting you or your children....

Connect yourself today with a shelter...seek refuge if you must to ensure your safety...you are not alone...you are not the first one to be in this position....you can do this...and each step in the right direction will make you stronger and believe in yourself again..

I strongly caution you to move with great thought, care and staying alert....watch your back, protect yourself...seek the tools you need...be careful

Godspeed
ARK

Thanks for the responses.
OK, I have been reading some info on abuse cycles and syndroms of the abused. What an eye opener! I find myself rationalizing for his behavior and making every excuse under the sun for him. I am not going to do it any more. He is in the tension building phase right now and I know he is getting ready to blow again. He hasn't been physical in a few months but that doesn't mean much to me. My kids don't want to ask him for a favor even because of the reaction it gets from him. I have read enough to know he has a real problem. He has continually denied being anything but right and if he does blow up, it is because we provoked him (accoriding to him) I know I cannot change him and the sad part of it is I don't even want to. I just want my own life with my kids so we are not constantly guarding our every move to keep from getting a reaction from him. It doesn't matter. If we do nothing at all that could provoke him, he starts pushing buttons on us until he gets a reaction so he can "take control". I have honestly tried to keep my love for him alive and I don't hate him but I am so indifferent. I am angry today, both at myself for still being with him, and at him for making it impossible to work out. I will take your advice and make a plan to move on. If anything physical or a threat arises I will call the law and have him removed. This is all so hard to carry out. Someone told me the other day, "You are such a strong person to endure this" and I just want to say it is not being a strong person to put up with this, it is a weakness and lack of self caring. I cannot care more about him than I do about myself and my kids!
Wish me luck.
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