</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lady_In_Red:
<strong>Dear legit-writer,

As I said in my first post to you, this is classic abusive behaviour, and there is only one way to deal with it - he either gets serious long-term counselling, or you leave. There is no other way.

What I am seeing from your posts is the cycle of abuse which keeps a person ensnared in the relationship - the emotional battering - screaming, yelling, calling you names, BLAMING you for everything - saying it is all your fault that he is feeling and behaving this way, and then apologizing. The apology is crucial because it keeps you hooked. He will say he's sorry, cry, say he will never do it again. But it WILL happen again, and will most likely increase in intensity, unless he gets counselling. If he won't get counselling, you must free yourself from this situation.

The best thing you can do is to walk away from these arguments. Refuse to engage with him. Don't argue. Don't listen. Just leave the house. Do not even try to talk to him when he is like this. Just leave. He may (or he may not) get the message that you will not tolerate being treated like this. I say this not to give you a "tool" which might help to change him. What you must realize is that nothing that you do is going to change him or have any effect whatsoever. HE is the only person who can change himself, and he has to want to change himself in order for that to happen. I am sorry this is happening to you and I am sorry for him because he is hurting inside, too, or he wouldn't be behaving like this. But you have to ask yourself if you want to live a life being abused. That is the only question to ask yourself right now. If your answer is no, then you have to take care of you, and stop taking care of him. When you stop taking care of him, he may start to look at himself more closely. It is like an alcoholic. An alcoholic only changes when he hits rock-bottom.

While you are "taking care of you" - make plans to guarantee your own safety - did you find the stuff on "abusive relationships" - they tell you how to keep an "escape kit" - all your stuff in one bag that you can grab as you go out the door - its important to do this.

Take care,
LIR</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I am in a mysogonistic relationship and it is not funny at all. I didn't have time to go and look it up yet but once I get some official free time away from him then I will look up that on the internet.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 05:18 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lady_In_Red:
<strong>Dear legit-writer,

I am relieved to hear that you have someone who will help you with money if you decide to go back home - this is very good news. Whatever happens, don't let him intimidate you into stopping talking to people - build your support network of people who can help you. That is what true friends are for and that is what true friends who care about you will do for you.

The controlling behaviour over money is also a classic sign of an abusive relationship. It sounds like he is now dependent on you for money, or at least, is regarding your money as his. In a good marriage, money belongs to both parties equally and decisions as to how to spend it are made together. This is a major area where my husband and I need work still.

I have heard it said that it is impossible to be in love with someone you fear.

Take care,
LIR</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I forewarned him that I have friends in Kansas City who will back me no matter what and I told him that I might end up going there and it is not going to be nice. He acted like he didn't care. I feel that he is wanting me to get out so it can make it look like it is my call and bring that other female in this house. I told him and he claimed that I am thinking the wrong thing. I told him that I do not deserve to be betrayed and he says that he knows, but what do you think would make him do that at all?

Sorry Legit, I e-mailed you earlier today. I haven't been able to get into my hotmail account for several days. Finally did. Do you know the balance of your checking acct.? I would take up your friends offer, Legit. He is waaay too secretive! How is he getting money out of your acct.? Most likely he is having an A, or he's enjoying making you believe that. Which is cruel, to say the least!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Sorry Legit, I e-mailed you earlier today. I haven't been able to get into my hotmail account for several days. Finally did. Do you know the balance of your checking acct.? I would take up your friends offer, Legit. He is waaay too secretive! How is he getting money out of your acct.? Most likely he is having an A, or he's enjoying making you believe that. Which is cruel, to say the least!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what? I have just emailed you and it went through just fine. Go ahead and check your mailbox. He has my acct. # written down in his checkbook and I am about to tear that particualar page out right now. I will be right back ......

Ten Minutes Later...

I know this sounds unpleasant of me, but I am snooping through his checkbook to see if there is any other acct. #'s of mine's posted in here. I am taking my savings acct. out of there. I can care less about the checking acct. for right now, but I am going to get my savings acct. # back.