<small>[ September 24, 2002, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: gonetofar ]</small>

my h told me to start getting my stuff together to ship home. i dont think i have a chance or a choice. i have asked him one last time cant i stay and his reply was just stay, but that is all it will be, youre just here. what do i do now. this really hurts!

just concerned,
i asked my h again if i couldnt just stay here. his reply was just stay, but it is not going to help you because i am not changing my mind about wanting this to end now. what should i do? i am in the process of packing my things, but i still do not want to go. i will have to drive 3000 miles all by myself and hurting. dont think i will make it through this. please help!

please will someone talk to me falling a part here.

GTF,

Hi. I see he's not wanting to give in. If you really want to stay, accept his agreement. Just keep improving yourself, while he's doing his routine. Let him have his space but just keep doing things for YOU. Keep plan Aing him. Be independent. Let him see you improving. You know, if he REALLY wanted you gone, he would have said, no, you can't stay. In his own way, he's giving you a loophole. Prove to him that you can do the things he wants to see in you. Fight for him. Just give him that space. If he wants to pretend you two are roomates, let him. Because, it sounds like he still loves you. Maybe he wants you to fight for the M. Show him you can. Get a job, make friends in your area. Be the best YOU can be! Remember, just don't fall for the bait when he wants to argue. Listen to him when he wants to vent. Don't argue back. Do you really want to save the M? If yes, then fight for the M. Don't just give up, GTF. Show him you love him by letting him have his space. He can't ignore you forever, you know. He will see what an improvement you've made with yourself. Don't cry, GTF! ((((HUGS))))

just concerned,
he said nothing would change his mind and i would just be staying here. i agree part of me believe that somehow he doesnt really want me to leave or he would not have said just stay i am tried of trying to tell u to leave. i really really dont want to go. but i still believe like you said he would have said no. he also told me that every time he looked at me it reminded him of affair and he is not willig to go through any more of it. i dont want to give up but feel i have no choice if he really doesnt want me here, although he did say just stay maybe he just doesnt know what else to do to get me to leave besides beat the heck out of me which would cost him his job. what do u think?

GTF,

Has he ever hurt you? If he hasn't, I say to try and stay. If he has hurt you, I would leave. I know you love him, but don't get hurt over this. It's not worth it! Yes, he's going through the grieving process of the A. That's normal for him to say he can't get it out of his mind. It takes a looong time to grieve over this. You'll have to be understanding.

By the way, when did you say he found out about this? And how long has his attitude about the A lately been going on?

do u really believe this his him giving me a loop hole he could make me leave if he wanted to and yes he has hit me before but only when i kept saying that i want to go home. should i still stay.

i told him a year ago. we have been here a year and his attitude changed in june when i kept wanting him to go back with me. i visited my family and said something stupid and mean to him about getting my family to help me get stuff home, that finnished it i think. now i keep asking him and he just said stay if u want to.
please help

Woah,

He hit you because you kept saying you wanted to go home? This to me, changes things a bit. Now it doesn't sound like it's because of the A, it sounds more like he's jealous of your family. Maybe he's using the A as the reason? Yes, it does sound like he's giving you a loophole. Although, I don't know him. You would be a better judge of that. Has he ever shown any animosity towards your family?

just concerned,

have u read the last three or four posts from me? if this really is a loop hole for me then yes i really do want to take it. in my heart, i want to believe that, but it seems like he just doesnt want to be mean and physically make me leave. maybe u are right about improving myself so he can see it. if he is wanting me to fight for him he sure doesnt act like it right now. it sounds like he just wants me gone. he even told me to just make my plans to leave is even willing to help me make them. so confussed. i have made some horrible mistakes but i do love him heart and soul. cant change the past and he says there is no future for me here if i do stay. what the heck do i do now. stuff is in the living room ready to go. geez i wish it were true that him telling me to just stay was a small chance. if i leave there is no chance.

yes they have crit. him openly about his being a bum and not taking care of me. i think he wanted me to stay so bad that he just got furious that after improving all the things i complained about i still wanted to go home. but that is just it i missied family, never wanted to leave him not once not at all. just did not cope well moving until now. they dont like him much for all the past.

Yes, I had read them. I'm just getting sleepy. If you really want to, then you can try. But, I'm a little concerned about him hitting you. Remember, there is no reason anyone should hit their spouse. Does he like your family?

Okay, just saw your last post. We must be posting right after one another! LOL So, he's improved himself? Maybe he wants to see if you improve yourself on your own. Did you try to find counselor today?

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: Just Concerned ]</small>

awhile back he said after being here a while with this job, yes he would see them again he is just ashamed i think of the way he did. i also think maybe he is protecting his self because he thinks i will never be happy here away from family and he just doesnt want to go through anymore of it. because he never brings it up until i get down and out over missing them. six weeks ago he told me he never thinks about what i did. i dont know which way to turn. i know that i dont want to lose him. and if this is a loop hole he is giving me i dont want to pass that up either. i believe he just thinks i wont get better i told him this today and he said i am wrong but stay if u want to i dont care what u do anymore you wont hurt me anymore cause i wont let u.

should i just tell him i am not leaving and really improve myself.

not yet cause he says nothing i do will change his mind.

Well, no matter if it makes a difference to him or not, you need to do it for yourself. What did he do one time that was so bad that your family doesn't care for him?

we both had a drug problem and he felt second to my ex for 3 years he says and it causes him depression so he wouldnt work much. now his problems are fixed. i havent fixed myself except for drug use. not doing that either. he still does ocassionally.