i know it is late and i too am getting tired. i appreciate so much you taking time with me. it is hard for me to judge if he is really giving me a loop hole to stay, i feel he just wanted improvement and has given up cause i havent showed him anything. i could be wrong. he also said nowing how he felt about cheating he should have walked away then instead of trying this. i am about to give in and leave like he seems to want. he says it is the only way his pain will eventually end for him if he doesnt have to see my face but i dont believe that cause he has never said that before. when he did hit me back in apr.he begged please dont go i will get help i love you please forgive me. now in the last few weeks he is using affair against me full blast. i still want to stay if he lets me but there might be nothing there. if i tell him i am not leaving i think he will just say fine dont.

Okay GTF, I'm getting a better understanding. First, has he hit you before this incident? Has he sought help for his drug problem? If he hasn't (well, I guess he hasn't, he's still using) and you have completely stopped, right? Him saying he's using because he felt 2nd to your X, is no excuse to be on drugs. There is something much deeper, and most likely way before the two of you got together. Yes, I can see why your family is not happy. It sounds more like he moved you two out there to avoid your family. Not the A. This changes more. I can't in good conscience, tell you to stay with him. He has hit you, and he is still using. You say not as much, but one time is too much. You have stopped. He hasn't. It's up to you, yes. But, I'm now worried.

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 12:38 AM: Message edited by: Just Concerned ]</small>

we both have smoked occaionally since moving here. that is really not the problem. it is me being depressed all the time. now he has given up. i quit cause i need to find a job. we never had problems with occ. smoking mj. this state is very tolerant to it. doing it all the time and my ex is why he said he didnt improve back home moved me here to get me far away from ex. thought i could handle missing family. i have failed until now to handle that well. he wanted this so much i do believe he is using affair to give me back family that he thinks i will never get over missing. should i still stay, if he says just stay then.

GTF,

If you feel safe, and still want to try. But you need to see a counsler. Also for depression. You actually, are probably just homesick. I was in Germany for 3 years. I was an only child, so you can just imagine how I felt. It was bad! I have seasonal dep. and Germany was about the worse place for that! I can't guarantee that things will work for you in the M, but at least you have tried everything. Yes, he could be feeling bad about taking you so far away. You'll have to prove to him that you can adapt well in the different surroundings.

that is really what i want. and i dont think he would resort to hitting me and making me leave. i just keep wondering about what you said earlier, about it being a possible loop hole. that is what i wanted to hear. i wish it to be true. why wouldnt he say no you are going no matter what it takes to make you go.

just concerned,

one last question then i will go. i cant really say for sure, but it does sound like a chance, if he says just stay, or is it me not listening to anything else, so he just gives up and says stay.

I don't know, GTF. Maybe he was hoping you would stay and try? Why don't you sleep on it tonight, and see how you feel about it in the morning? Get some rest. I bet you didn't sleep much last night! Then tell him in the morning what you want to do. If he says it won't make a difference, just say you are starting to like the area, and even if it doesn't work out, you might stay anyway. Then, FIND A COUNSELOR ASAP! Tht will be the start of your improving.

If he didn't DEMAND that you go, yes, could be a chance. But there are no guarantees, remember GTF! Post tomorrow and tell us how things went, okay? Have a good night!

thanks so much. good nite and i will post tomorrow.

just concerned,

after we talked i tried to talk to husband he got physical with me, tried hard not to really hurt me but i know now that he really wants me to leave. i do appreciate your kindness and sharing your time with me. i am leaving here as soon as i can. nothing has ever been his fault. i should have left years ago. still hurting but this is not right or good for me. thanks

GTF,

I m so sorry that he did that. I was a little afraid he might after you told me he has done it before. I guess that's why I kept saying I was not real "gung-ho" about you staying. I have a real dislike for any form of abuse. Even if you had an A. It's just not a good response for anger. I hope you make it home okay. Can you post when you get home? We would like to know if you got home safe, okay? Please tell us. Good luck, GTF! And it's NOT the end of the world. Think of it as a new begining to start fresh and improve your life!

just concerned,

thanks so much. i will let u know when i get home. husband is going to keep me on insurance for up to six months if i need it. that means we will still be legally married. he said i could call him and let him know when i wanted to end the insurance and then we will begin divorce. he doesnt believe in remarring or seperations, so i dont feel that there is much hope of reconciliation with him. i have cried and begged till i just cant anymore. i keep feeling that if i would have done more up here, this would not be happening. he said it would have no matter what i did. i asked him why then was he so intent of keeping me here and seemed so happy with me until aug. he replied that he fought everything that he deep down believed in to make it work. he claims that the reason he did not work, lied, and was depressed to the point he could not function, on the fear that i would go running back to ex, but if he was that worried he should have taken the steps to show me he would do the things i needed to keep me. on top of that he always told me that my ex would never hurt me physically if he really loved me. when he did it to me after telling me that it pushed me right over the edge. i made a horriable mistake. the thing that gets me though is it is all my fault according to him. he did not feel like that when he brought be all the way up here. he said if u forgive me, i will forgive you. this will be a new start for us. i was scared but i believed him. now that he is on top up here, he doesnt need me. well i need someone who cared for me and would like to be a part of my family not isolation. he told me that i am the type of person that needs someone in my life and he is the type that can live without anyone in his life. he said he will never marry again. will just use women occasionally for sex. he has turned real cold hearted he said because of me. so any woman that gets him physically sure wont have him ever emotionally. he doesnt like kids so his choices are going to be limited. he said he doesnt hate me and that if i want to we can be friends. dont think so! he is such a smothe talker

GTF,

For one thing, he HAS to keep you on his med insurance. He's not doing you a favor, he has NO CHOICE. And the six months is probably because he has to wait for open enrollment to take you off the insurance. Yes, you can force him to keep you on his insurance as long as you are legally married. BTW, I don't believe that he's just going to "use" women because you "made" him that way. You didn't. He can't blame you for the way his life is going, GTF. That's his responsibility, not yours. He's just trying to make you feel guilty. Everybody says they'll never remarry. And they still remarry. To be honest, I don't think this is about your A. I think there's something else. It is just a good "excuse" he can use. He's obviously abusive, and I do agree you need to leave. He's got some major issues that have nothing to do with you. If he doesn't seek help, he'll never resolve what is truly eating at him. Go back home. See your D and GC. Your parents. When parents don't like someone, there's a reason. They must had seen his absive tendencies long ago. You were "in love" and could not see it. Like I said, I really don't think it's all about the A. Good luck!

just concerned,
i still feel so deeply hurt. i tried to talk to husband trusday nite. he told me i still needed to leave here. he told me that when i first came back from trip and didnt do any of the things i promised, i made a fool of him. i was really started to get better.i wish now that i would have done something different to show him i wanted this. anyway, he knew he had this hunting trip coming up. he left yesterday and didnt say a dang word to me. he knew i would be here all week end alone packing my things and hurting. i will see him monday when he brings his van home and i have to drive him 2 1\2 hours back up to cabin. that will be the last time i see him. i am suppose to leave thrusday or friday. on thrusday i asked him to help me tape up boxes and move my desk and he said we'll just wait till monday to do that. why put it off he could of helped me before he left. i still dont want to leave him. i guess i am stupid or something. but i truley wish i had done more to show him i love him and he is not second in my life. maybe he will talk to me more about it on monday, but i wont hold my breath. i keep thinking about the four days, 3000 miles, i have to drive home all by myself. coming up here i had him to protect me now i have no one at all. i am really afraid to me on the road that long. i wish he were doing this to teach me a leason and he would come home monday with a change of heart.i got a certified letter thrusday from my mom and he asked me what it was. i told him is was a check she sent me to pay for the movers. he looked shocked. he didnt think i would go through with it i guess. he told me to. i hurt him over the phone while visiting and didnt call him back till the next day and tell him that i was sorry. i keep thinking maybe that is why he is doing it to me. anyway i am almost ready to go here. i wont let my self cry because it does no good but i really want to break down. wish this was all over and i was home safe, or he would give me another chance here with him. losing my mind here.

i am cleaning up the apartment while he is gone. at least he cant say i left it in a mess for him. in a way i hope he will see how sorry i am and give me a chance before it is too late cause movers will be here sometime at the end of this week. he wont be here till sunday.

just concerned,
are u here tonight?

GTF,

I'm sorry, I have been having a real time of it, trying to get online the past several days. Couldn't even get into e-mail accts. GTF, you said yourself that he's abusive. That's not healthy for you. I still don't think it's all about the A issue. I think it's about something else. Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself? He is not helping you by giving you little threads of hope when there is none. Why do you feel that you are nothing without him? Yes, you are giving that impression by the words you are posting. YOU ARE NOT STUPID!!!!!!! You do NOT deserve him hitting you! Never, ever!!!!!!! Please don't think you are asking for it. He was VERY WRONG to hurt you. You are a very sensitive, caring person. Remember that, GTF!

<small>[ September 30, 2002, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Just Concerned ]</small>

just concerned,
before your last post to me, i talked to orchid. more things have happened so instead of retyping them i suppose you can read those. On one of my last post to you, i wrote that he got physical with me. Let me explain that he did not hurt me but got in my face and made threats of it. Since then i wrote him a letter after talking to orchid. After he read the letter, he was crying, i started crying. He told me that he never meant the things he said, mainly about not loving me. He said that he was so tried of seeing me hurting over missising my family that he did not know what else to do, but make me want to leave so i would at least have some happiness again. There is more to story i just posted to orchid. I just wanted to say thank you so much for helping me. Just you being there meant alot to me. Please read post ot Orchid. It will explain things.