I have not posted here for a number of reasons, mostly because post D-Day we went straight to counseling and seemed to be doing very well together. My name was a bit tongue in cheek so I am sorry if I'm putting anybody off with it.

My H gave me a detailed description of how the A started, who she was, what she was like, etc. He volunteered the information and was sincere about wanting us to work through our problems, so I believed what he said.

I have recently received information that contradicts what he originally told me. I feel so lost and betrayed again.

Have any of you gone through this? I am not posting details because I did not want to trigger anyone into thinking their H is lying. But I am almost positive mine has lied about how the A started and even how long it lasted.

Thank you for your help, please!

j4j,

Yes, I have been thru it and continue to go thru it. It's as if all WS go to the same school.

Dr. Harley </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not know your story, but: If you have not done so, I would suggest checking out the main page of this site: www.marriagebuilders.com

Ron

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DD Aug. '00</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">M: 22 yrs</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sons: 18 and 12</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan: A</font></li>

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j4j,

I just ran across this post by another member which does help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940

r

J4J,

I just replied to your other thread on the JFO site. Even if you are in 'recovery' (such a vague term while the A pendelum swings), there will be instances where doubt will occur.

Work out a plan with your IC or check with Steve or Jennifer, then present a 'safety' plan to your H.

Radical Honesty is discussed and endorsed by MB. Also POJA (policy of Joint Agreement) works in conjunction so that both mates have a clear understanding of what is expected.

See the benefit needs to work both ways. You both need to be honest with each other. If the OP or WS has not fully let go, the A contact may continue in some form. The point is that any contact is damaging to the M. Until your H can truly let go of his contact or desire to contact then you can not truly recover. If the OP is trying hard to keep contact (OPs especially OWs)have a tendancy to play let's make a deal with their feelings when they don't want to let go. I have a separate story of my own with that one.... YUCK!

With us I set as one of my requirements for the WS to come home was his job to make us happy. Each of us. Including himself but especially those he hurt (myself and our child), then he has to make it up to God, his friends and family..... that is work in progress now but will take a while. These are not impossible tasks but will take effort.

with that said, whenever I start to feel uneasy or doubtful, I do the following or a combination of it depending on how serious it is:

1. Give him the look of pain/sadness. Makes him wonder what is going on...... I usually heard a confession of sorts since he wasn't always sure how much I knew.

2. Told him I feel uneasy about something..... sometimes even said something just doesn't feel right or smell right..... see if they have been with the OW, the smell think (perfrume or whatever...... can be detected).

Bottom line was that I was uneasy but I could not be paranoid. Sometimes I just needed reassurance he was still being honest because he knew (I previously established) that even though he came home the trust factor was not being returned immediately. So he needed to earn our trust back.

14 months after he returned home he could say that he does not miss the OW anymore.

Every so often I check up on that status.

Hope this helps.

L.