It just never ends around here. I want off the rollercoaster.

One of the biggest problems in my M has been the lack to time with my H. He works out of town 4 days a week, plus one weekend (a situation that really needs to change), so most months we see him for a total of 10 days. Add in 4 kids when he is home, and our one-on-one time is about nil.

I can not connect emotionally to someone who's never here, and isn't here even when he is here (TV, computer, etc.). *sigh*

For the last 2 months, he's had to go away to school for 2 weeks each time. Last month, he was at a school that was about 2 1/2 hours away from here, and he left for it the day after he promised NC with OW. Not the greatest timing, but OW is 700 miles away, so I wasn't worried about them seeing each other. The first few days after he left, OW was sending needy 'Where are you?!' emails to him, leaving voice mail messages (even had her daughter leaving him 'I miss you' voicemail), and I could tell when I talked to him that they were getting to him. He was depressed, emotional, distraught.... But after a few days, he seemed to be getting better, and I'm not sure if he even read her last email, as it's still marked new.

OW called that weekend, he took the call, but was off the phone within 5 minutes, and I have no idea what was said, but she wrote him a last email that said she was checking her email constantly, waiting for him to write and was there for him, blah, blah, blah.

As far as I know, that was the last contact between the two of them.

This month has just been full of triggers for me, because they had planned to spend a day/weekend together during the school he's at now. I've been up and down on this rollercoaster all week, wondering if they were, if they weren't. If he was just so depressed/upset/what have you that he might do something else stupid, like get drunk and have a ONS. Anything. If you can think it up, and it's bad, it's been on my mind this week.

WH's nephew had a baby this week, and the nephew (who would like to see WH divorce me and marry the OW) wanted him to drive up over the weekend to see the baby. Yes, that's where the OW also lives.

WH called me and told me this. I know he wanted me to tell him it was okay to go see the baby. He wanted me to trust him, and I couldn't. I just went dead silent on the phone, because there wasn't a single thing I could say. He called me back later and said they were restricted to a 150 mile radius, so he couldn't go anyway, but my first thought (and 2nd and 3rd and 4th) was that he was just telling me this, so I wouldn't question too hard about where he was, and I spent all day yesterday wondering if he was really at VA Beach or somewhere else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He's been out a lot, drinking at night with his roommate at a place called Outlaws, which is why I worried about him complicating things with a ONS.

I'm finding it really hard to have any trust at all, and there's just nothing I can do about it.

He's been calling me a lot. Occasionally, he says he loves me. But today has been funny. He's called me a few times and each time, he's said it. Then he called and asked me if I wanted him to put all his travel pay onto one of our credit cards, so I can build a new computer. And I got to wondering what he's done that he feels guilty for.

But just when I've about got myself convinced that he's either called or seen OW or *something*, he calls me again, and we start talking about his next school, which will be in the same place and will be about 10 weeks long.

He said that he could go to that school whenever he wanted, but he was going to wait until he felt more comfortable doing it. I misunderstood him, and replied with something about passing a PT test, and he said, well, yeah that too. And suddenly it hit me. He's afraid of spending 10 weeks up there alone, because OW is only 4 hours away. He shut down on me pretty hard then and said he had to get off the phone.

So now, I think he hasn't, but he really wants to, and it's eating at him. And I'm taking another run on the emotional rollercoaster myself.

I want to let it go. I really do. But I can't do that unless he talks to me. I need to know, and I figured I should let some of this out here before I call him back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Mere -- tiptoeing through the minefield that is my life