My H moved out 9 weeks ago. I am trying to do Plan A and am stumped as to how to meet his EN's if he isn't living here. Obviously I wasn't meeting the EN's I thought he had, or he wouldn't have left. The only time I see him now is when he is dropping off or picking up our kids.

Anyone have any creative ideas as to how I can do this? I have asked him in the past to meet for coffee, or whatever, and he says no. Tonight I asked him if he would like to eat with the kids and I before hockey practice on Tuesday and he said no. I know he likes to be cooked for and I haven't done that for a while, so thought that would be an opportunity. But, as he's said no, that idea is history now. Anyone out there who's been separated and can relate, I'd love to hear from you. Hard to figure out his EN's and then work on them when they're not here. Thanks!

Hi Kimmy,

Mayby you should reveal a little more about the problems you to are having. People can give you some good advice here once they now what the nature of the problems are. You have come to the right place.

Also you can read the material on this site and start by removing your LB's ... it really makes you feel good about you.

My wife left me a few weeks ago. To find out more about her emotional needs I asked her if she wanted to fill in the LBQ en the ENQ together.
This really helps, but I guess there was nothing I didn't allready know.

Suc6

Hi. I have a long thread in the 'Just Found Out' section that explains my story. If you get time to read it and comment..I appreciate all comments.

I haven't asked my husband to do the questionnaire or anything because over the course of the 2 months he's been gone anything I've suggested he's said no too. Said he has no interest..doesn't love me. Doesn't want to reconcile. I asked him about a month ago what he had to lose by trying, as I wasn't even asking him to come home. He could stay at his friend's and then if we tried and it didn't work out, at least he hadn't moved back in and then had to leave again. He wasn't interested.

Currently, Plan A seems to be the 'don't mention the relationship' and so asking him to do a questionnaire at this point would seem like a LB. I am working hard at Plan A and not doing any LB's, but as I said, because he won't spend anytime with me, how can I meet his EN's? I really need some advice from people. The books say to 'love them back to you' but how can I do this when he won't spend time with me? It's very frustrating.

Kimmy1,

My H moved out also, and I was in the same situation you are with trying to meet his EN's and him saying no to everything I suggested. My H like yours also likes to be cooked for. Instead of asking him I knew what time he would be at the house to pick up the kids and planned his favorite meal. I had to leave work early but when he came to pick up the kids and saw the table set with his favorite meal hot and ready to eat he couldn't say no. I figured it was worth a try and if he declined again at least I would have something for the kids. The first time I did this he ate and left right after but it was a good meal with no LBing and nice conversation. When he left I just said I enjoyed our time together and "maybe" we could do it again. It ended up getting to the point where he would come over and spend time with the kids while I was cooking, we would eat and then watch a movie, and he eventually spent the night. After a couple months of this he decided to move back home. But it did take quite a bit of time. And any LBing that I might have slipped and done, put me back ten steps. So watch out for those LB's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Good luck.

DU

I'm not sure if my H would like a meal waiting for him that he has to eat with me when he's been saying no. One of his biggest 'problems' with me was that he said I was controlling. So...I don't want to go ahead and do something that he might see as being controlling again.

But..you've given me such a good idea that what I think I'll do is cook a meal for tonight as I won't be here. I work night shift and leave at 4:30 and my H arrives by 5:00 to be with our kids. That way I will have cooked for him, but he would have been here anyway and would have had to cook. Thanks for your input! I wouldn't have thought of this if you hadn't written!! Any other ideas from anyone out there...please let me know. Thanks again!

Hi Kimmy....you say H is home with the kids sometimes. Well make sure your fridge and cupboards are stocked with all his favorites. Buy his favorite cookies, snacks etc. For example my WH likes tobassco sauce , before i would never to remember to buy it, and he would have to go out to the store and get when we were out of it. Now i make sure tobasco is always in the cupboard. Buy his favorite flavour of ice cream, leave him note saying there is strawberry ice cream in the freezer, i know thats your favorite. Anyway, hope you get some more ideas from others too..A/C0810

Hi..thanks for tip about getting his favorite things. He is here with the kids alot now, as I work mainly nights, but starting next week I will be working Monday to Friday at my new job..all day shifts, and as of this weekend my H will be in his own place, so no need for him to be here with the kids anymore. He'll be taking them to his place.

So..I'm going to do the meal thing for tonight for sure, and I'll just keep trying to think of other ways to meet his EN's if he's not here. Yes...I hope others reply with ideas..I appreciate them!

Okay. Well..I cooked one of my H's favorite meals tonight, as planned and I left for work before he got here. I left a note saying dinner was in the oven.

When I just came home now, I didn't say anything about it but he said 'that was a nice dinner..thanks'. I said 'you're welcome. Did you enjoy it?' He said 'yes', and I said 'I'd love to cook for you another time if you'd let me'. He smiled and left.

So....I think that's good! I'm hoping. Keep the ideas coming..thanks!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So glad that worked for you... Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? That might give you some hints and clues as well.

some reading for you... from Michele Weiner-Davis @ www.divorcebusting.com :

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
While My Spouse Decides

Perhaps you are someone whose spouse is in the midst of an affair and it is making you crazy. You feel like giving up on your marriage. Worse yet, you feel like being hurtful. Don't do anything you will regret in the long run. You came to this website because you want to save your marriage. Remember that. You need to stay focused on your goal, even if it's hard. On rough days, refer to what David, a DB family member, taught us about how he won back his wife. He now lives ecstatically ever after.

Michele-

I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;.ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn&#8217;t or wouldn&#8217;t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.

I still wonder about this&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;..but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn&#8217;t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.

Friendship........empathy,being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.

Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hugzzz,
Cali

good stuff, looks like you're on the right track. one aspect of plan A where I struggled a bit is that it's focused on YOU. Secondly, dont expect instant feedback & reward. For example, your WH could have eaten the dinner and said nothing. Or worse, could have said that it tasted horrible. How would you have coped with that? That's what I mean with being focused on YOU, ie, the next step & reaction should be the same in any case.

Other ideas: what are your WHs top ENs? even if you havent filled out the Questionnaire, you can take a guess. There are actions lined up for each of the ENs. for example, if he wants you to look glowing & attractive, then you might want to join a gym. does you good anyway. Or, if he reacts to affection, then make it a habit of giving him a hug once in a while. Or write him silly nothings, just to say that you're thinking of him.

Hi. I have read 'His Needs/Her Needs'. Re my H's EN's...I have gone over the list and I have tried to figure out if there were some that I absolutely wasn't meeting, and I can't figure out which ones they would be. I know one of his important ones is physical appearance. That isn't a problem as I've always worked out, and am very petite, and I've always looked my best..for myself and my H, and so that need is met (he even told me when he left it wasn't physical that he didn't like about me..it was emotional). Admiration I think is big with him too, and I always complimented and told him how proud I was of him. Recreational companionship...always participated in whatever he was interested in...affection..I always hugged and kissed him...and so on and so on. So...I guess I just met his needs incorrectly somehow and I have to figure out how to meet the needs but in a different way. Even sexual fulfilment..never a problem there. So..I'm stumped. I obviously think I'm meeting them, but I'm not so have to listen carefully to him to try to figure it out but hard when he doesn't live here.

Hi Kimmy...my WH and i had many many disagreements over the raising of our kids. He would disipline them for something, and when he went out, i would change the rules so to speak that he made. Anyway, now we stand united together in raisng the kids. For example he would say betime is 10:00, i would turn around and say let them stay up till 11:00, stuff like that. and boy did we get into some arguing about it. He would say you never back me up, and it was true. YOu have to really rack your brain to figure out even the little things that were wrong and show him that you are trying to fix them. Maybee just relax , sit down, close your eyes, and try to remember about arguments you have had, and what the reason was, then go from there. Hope this helped, god bless...A/C0810

Thanks for your comments. Well..I will try to figure them out and meet them, but I just have this fear that he will see what I'm doing and think 'she's trying to change to make me happy but she's out of luck because I have no interest in her'. Arrgghhhh!!

I know Plan A is for ME, but I'd be lying if I didn't hope it brought my H back. I know he's the one for me and I'm so worried he won't come back, but at the same time trying to accept that it might end up that way. I'll try to keep strong and focus on Plan A.

Re our kids. Yes..my husband did mention he thought I was too controlling with them. Again, he mentioned this while he was leaving! So..I have loosened up with them and I've told him that. He hasn't responded but at least he knows I'm trying in that regard.

hi Kimmy...yes i thought the same thing, he is gonna think oh, she never tried before to fix things, now its just too damm late. You know what he probably does think this but keep on plan aing, you wont see any results yet. Dont give up. My WH is still very bitter over the problems we had, even though i am trying to fix them. I didnt fulfil my WH sexual needs and now i am fixing that problem (at first he said right out sorry not interested in sex with you)now when i do coax him into it, he says you sure didnt care about sex before, why the heck do you care so much about it now. My WH told me that things were not good between us for the last 5 years, i was stunned, i didnt realize this or for that matter even beleive it. So what i am saying is that they are very bitter toward us and that bitterness seems to be hard to let go of. Just keep plan aing, and meeting his EN's. God bless you....A/C0810

Well, today I went and bought the Michelle Weiner-Davis book..Divorce Busting. I'm hoping that will provide more good info that I can use in addition to Plan A.

I don't know if I've made a mistake, but I asked my H if he'd like to have lunch with me tomorrow. It's my last free day before I start my new job on Monday. I probably went against plan A, but I did it anyway.

He said yes. Now..I'm not sure if it means he wants to meet to discuss all our financial stuff as he moves the next day, or if he feels guilty and so said yes even though he doesn't want to go, or if he actually wants to just have lunch with me. I guess I'll find out at the lunch. I asked him if I should meet him somewhere or if I should pick him up and he said pick him up. I was surprised about that as usually he'd say meet somewhere.

Anyway, I'm going to be Plan A during lunch and see what happens. I was pretty good last night when he was here with the kids when I was at work. I asked him if he needed anything for his new place and he said he was okay. I said to let me know if he needed anything and he said okay.

I'll write an update tomorrow night. Cross your fingers for me.

Well. I had lunch with my H today. I picked him up, did light hearted conversation in the car; we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant (his favorite food..and not my first choice so we'd rarely go), and everything was fine..for a while. We did light hearted conversation, and then just before the bill came he told me he was buying a new computer. I asked him if that meant he would want his computer table and he said 'eventually'.
He also said he wasn't sure about what mail to get re-directed, as he was concerned about our medical benefits insurance plan. If we sent in for reimbursement, and the address was different, perhaps it could cause a problem. I told him I didn't know how they worked, but some bills would be easily re-directed as they just have his name on, but some have both our names.

I told him (as I've read in the book re Plan A..I hope I did the right thing) that this separation is something I don't want. I want him to be happy, but even though he is ready to give up on us, I'm not. I told him that I like our family unit, and I like being married to him, but he must do what he wants.

He just looked at me and I think he got a bit teary (had glasses on today..hard to tell for sure) and that was it. He didn't say 'give up, don't bother' or anything like that. He just didn't say anything.

Then we left and I dropped him back to his work. I was lighthearted on the way back to his work and said bye.

Please someone write back to this post today. I have 3 out there that haven't had any replies for days and I really need input on what happened at this lunch.

It's very upsetting because why doesn't he want me and the kids? If he doesn't know what he wants, why doesn't he want me? I'm just dying wondering if I'm stupid even doing Plan A when he's already planning 'eventually', which is long term. Help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's very upsetting because why doesn't he want me and the kids? If he doesn't know what he wants, why doesn't he want me? I'm just dying wondering if I'm stupid even doing Plan A when he's already planning 'eventually', which is long term. Help! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've started 'the process.' Now you have to believe in it. Really believe and wish him WELL... because HIS stuff is NOT about YOU... I have read so many posts where the WS responds to the love and kindness and care of a BS who 'lets them go.'

Now... YOU! How you quit wondering about HIM is to put the focus on YOU... start making your plan... one or two goals and the steps to meet those goals.

Cali

Kimmy1,

I've seen your post but never thought I could contribute much.

I've never been in your H's shoes so I can't answer some your questions and my W still lives in the same house as I do. But I kind of understand your frustration as a BS. My W didn't like it when started meeting her EN's. At first I don't even think she wanted me to change, because she wanted it to be easy to leave me.

You've gone from not remembering what any of his EN's are, to finding at least one or two of them. You tried them out and you got good results. You've just started a long journey that will be bumpy for a while. You will learn from each of your triumphs. They maybe small and few at first, but they will get bigger and will happen more often. THIS I KNOW!!!

You hang in there. The journey will be worth it and as your H sees the changes he's going to wonder why in the he!! he left in the first place. But no matter what, you will start to feel better b/c you are making yourself a better person. He still needs to time to see the changes and get used to them before he decides to come back.

Your're starting out great. Savor each victory no matter how small.

Praying for you.
S&C

I wish I felt as confident as you two who have responded to my post. Tonight my H wanted to be with the kids and had computer work to do so I said he could come here and I went to a friend's for a few hours. When I got back, you'd never think that my H and I had seen each other at lunch. As has been the norm during this whole thing, he was cold and detached and made me feel very unimportant..almost invisible.

Very depressing and disheartening. I tried to talk a bit but could tell by his facial and body language that he wasn't interested.

He is here early tomorrow morning to pick up our kids and then they're going to help him move into his new place. I'm pretty sure inside they're devastated but rather than not be with Dad they'll go. Does my H not realize what he's doing to our children by doing this? They don't talk about this situation at all but I've been reading so much stuff and it all says how this is most likely ripping our kids apart inside.

How do you keep the faith. I am positive my H is in a mid life crisis. I mean, he's even growing his hair long! It's so hard to keep going and hoping.