kimmy1,

You have been given some wonderful suggestions including the MB books and Divorce Busting.

I did a plan A with WH living 1200 miles away & Steve Harley said for the circumstances it was a good plan A. ( We work together & had been in phone contact mostly.)

Just remember, Plan A is an attitude as well as taking specific actions. This site and the materials helped my sooooo much. I found out I wasn't alone, saw what worked and didn't work for those who post here. I began to get a life for me (I mean really living my life even though was devastated by WH's actions.)

I acted "as if" I was confident and calm and eventually became that. I took time to read, read, read, to learn, learn, learn and in turn I've grown, grown grown. You can do the same. When your confidence grows it will show.

I need to go to bed, have an early soccer game (YS)

Bye

D.

WH had other problems that he has to deal with before he could even begin to work on our M.

Thanks so much for the replies...really helps.
I know my H has many issues to work through first. I have been reading and reading and reading the last 2 months. I've done nothing for myself really except reading self-help books on marriage, communication, etc. It has helped me and I'll continue.

What should I do next? Now he'll be in his own place and won't be here at all as he can now take our kids there.. do I try to do things like invite him in for a drink when he drops the kids off? Or...what? I don't know if I should try to be a good 'friend'..ie..invite him to say, watch a movie or initiate a friendly 'chat', or if I need to start NOT being involved.

The only problem with so many different books is that some theories say 'be friendly..be interested' and other books say 'play it cool..don't be available'. Plan A is great and I'm working on that as my main 'teaching', but can I do Plan A and ALSO invite him to come in? He may say no, but is it good to initiate that type of stuff?

Hi Kimmy,

I know it is hard to hang in there but keep hanging, every minute is an accomplishment. Also I was wondering if you can give us some feed back as to what EN of your husbands that you hadnt been aware of and that you have worked on? What specifically did he say? I only ask because sometimes hearing different interpretations of what he is saying may shed some light on the situation for you...maybe you are too close to know what sets him off. I know you think you know but you said he kept it a secret for so long, lying about his feelings maybe a fresh perspective on what he is saying may help to advise you of how to proceede...if it is too painful I understand. I would never want you to percieve it as a criticism only a tool to discover more about his buried feelings.

Well..his biggest complaint when he was originally 'dumping' on me in that extreme anger where they say hurtful, devastating things and you know alot of it is guilt and anger, but alot of it has truth...was that I was 'controlling'. I did not realize I was. For our whole marriage my H never wanted to make a decision. He'd always say 'I don't know..you decide'..or 'doesn't matter to me..whatever'. So, I always had to make decisions, etc and to be honest, I didn't like it. I didn't want to make all the decisions. So, it was strange for him to say I was so controlling when I knew I was in the position of 'control', but not a position I wanted. I also did all of our banking and financial stuff. Again, not because I wanted to, but because my H hated it and so when I asked one year into our marriage if he wanted me to take over to relieve his stress, he said yes. So..I would love him to be here to give control back to, and I've told him that I didn't want to be in that position, and he should have told me. I've offered to meet that need which seems to be his biggest 'beef' with me.

Re other EN's. I have read His Needs/Her Needs and I've tried to figure it out, believe me. Physical appearance and sexual fulfillment were never a problem..he even told me that. Companionship was always there. Any interest he had, we all participated in. Admiration I always gave him. I am a firm believer in telling people compliments and I did this daily to my H. He knew how proud of him I was. I've gone over the list and the only thing I didn't think was an important EN to him was domestic support. However, I keep the house neat and clean and he's always told me it's not a big deal to him if the place is spotless or not.

So..I wish I could tell you what the big EN is that I haven't met. I have definitely tried to meet needs lately whenever I had the opportunity to..ie..my leaving a dinner for him and the kids one night when I was on night shift and he was here for them, and also asking him to lunch, picking him up and going to the Chinese restaurant..his favorite. Any insight anyone has I'd appreciate. I thought my H knew he was the person I cared about more than anyone in this world, and how much I appreciated him. Obviously, I was wrong. The only other thing he mentioned a few months ago was the fact that he hated me telling him we didn't have the money to purchase whatever it was..unfortunately, when you're the one doing the bills, you know if you can afford something or not. So I don't know how to meet that need. He's not here for me to say let's sit down and figure out how we can have more spending money. I'm stumped. ..Help!

Hey Kimmy1...

check out this...

Helping a Man in Midlife Crisis

Hugs,
Cali

Cali..thanks for sharing that website. I have looked at it and will see if any of the referenced books are at the library.

What do you think about a previous post of mine from earlier today wondering if I should invite him in ever?

He seems to 'enjoy' talking to me a bit more and I'm not sure if I should pull back or do the inviting of more conversation?

I think that you have to be careful not to 'pursue.' Many relationships get into the pursuer-pursuee dynamic. Think back to your early years... your courtship... who was the pursuer... who was the pursuee?

As much as you want contact w/ him... you might see that HE needs to make a move TOWARDS you...

Cali

Cali. Thanks so much for replying. It helps to see your name knowing you'll have good input for me. I know I can't pursue. I'm just so scared, especially now he's told me he'll want things like his computer table, which means he's thinking life away from us.

Anyway, you're right. I shouldn't invite him in in the near future, no matter how hard. I'll keep coming back and reading posts, looking for strength.

Re who pursued in our courtship. Well, we met and after two weeks of dating fell head over heels for each other, and knew we couldn't be apart. So..basically we just knew that we'd see each other on weekends, and Friday nights. It was just a given..no one had to pursue. However, during the first few weeks..my H pursued me for a date,and after a few more dates I decided I'd ask him for a date. He told me that if I hadn't gotten in touch with him he would have thought I wasn't interested. So..I'm not sure if he's still the same way now. That's why I asked him for lunch. He obviously liked to be shown interest.

Comments from anyone?

Kimmy1:

Hi, just wanted to make a few comments of the "controlling" behaviour your husband describes. I know exactly how you feel, my husband said the same thing. I had "control" of the bank account, therefore "controlling" how we spent our money. He told me to take it over.

However, it became a major issue in our marriage, he would want to spend, spend, and spend, when I knew that bills had to be paid and a budget had to be met.

Something I learned from the book "The Surrendered Wife", was tips on how not to control your mate. Men want to be able to take care of their wives and provide for them.
you can read the first two chapters for free at
www.thesurrenderedwife.com

anyway, what I am getting at, is that we don't think we are being controlling, but unfortunately our husbands may and they see this a Disrespectful Behaviour, a huge Love Buster.

I read that you believe you met your husbands EN's, but unfortunately when we bring Love Busters into the relationship it can cancel out his Love Bank and bring down to zero.

<small>[ September 28, 2002, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

Well, last night when my H dropped the kids home, and he'd left, our daughter (9) broke down. I'd been worried about my kids because neither of them would talk about this situation, and I knew that wasn't healthy. Anyway, my daughter obviously had held so much in for the last 10 weeks and she said she hated helping Daddy move, but didn't want to say no or she wouldn't have seen him. She said she wanted him to come back home and felt helpless. She said she didn't like him phoning at night to say goodnight..she wanted him here to tuck her in.

Well, of course my heart broke and I wish I could make it better for her. I told her she has to share her feelings with us and never be afraid to talk about it, even if she's angry. It's okay to be angry. So, she immediately phoned H and told him she wanted him to come back home. Apparently he told her they shouldn't talk about something like that over the phone,but in person next time they're together.

So..I wonder if my H has enjoyed his first night/morning at his new place. I wonder how it feels to know your leaving is ripping your family apart. But..he's probably so wrapped up in the excitement of getting up in his new place today, that it's just pushed to the back of his mind. Obviously he didn't care enough about our kids feelings to prevent him from leaving.

How sad is all of this...

Well...just had a terrible phone call from my H.
He is totally freaked out at me, saying that I've been 'planting seeds' in our children's heads because they've finally come out and said they miss him and want him back, etc. First he blames me for his unhappiness, and now I'm being blamed because our children miss him!! He said when they say they miss Daddy I shouldn't answer back that I do too, and I understand, and he said 'he needs to get help now on how to deal with this that I've done'. Great. I know he just doesn't want to deal with the fact that he now has to deal with this guilt, and so of course, it's my fault that they miss him. What is wrong with him??!! So..probably, if past experience is true, I'll get the call tomorrow about filing for legal. Everytime he gets mad, he says that.

Obviously if the kids live with me, and see me crying alot (especially the first few weeks), they know how I feel. And, my H said that he can't believe that they know it was his choice to leave. Was I supposed to pretend? They know it was his choice. They know it wasn't a mutual, and he even told them he couldn't stay when he took them out initially to tell them he was leaving! Arrrghhh!!

Please..some input on how to get past this new hurdle. Obviously now he's thinking "see ..I was right to leave her..now she's turning my kids against me!"

My H did this too... he was out of the house about a month... the boys were confused and said they missed him. The oldest told me that "he was the man of the house now." H said that the thoughts had to have been planted by me... The middle son threw the biggest tantrums on earth... would go out of his bedroom on the second story onto a patio cover, off the patio cover and disappear on his bike (he was 5)... luckily the youngest was 2 and didn't really understand it all...

Your best bet is to say nothing and do nothing. Repeat what your H says back to him... or ask him when the boys say XYZ what would you have me say? Of course you and the boys miss him... it is just his guilt playing out... easier to leave if you cut yourself off from the feelings and emotions of it all.

Hugs,
Cali