All,

I had a good telecon with Steve H re: my situation. He suggested a guarded Plan A for a time which I must admit I wasn't expecting. So I am going to try and progress that for awhile and see where things go from there.

I am trying to concentrate on me and my girls and moving on for ourselves and I hope that my WW will see the change in us. If she doesn't then I will have moved on and be ready for Plan B at some point in the future.

My W has so many issues its like she is not able to focus on anything but the hurt she feels I have done to her.

Of course, I am worried that I wont be able to stick with it and will just continue to get hurt more and more.

Regards Neil.

I respect the Harley's and their vast experience re: the issue of infidelity. Yours, is one situation, where I'm not sure I agree with their suggestions. Ultimately, the decision for the final course of action is yours. I just wonder how much more of this you can deal with. I also wonder that whether or not your wife can heal herself without professional help (highly unlikely). I guess my concern is mostly for your kids; I'm wondering how fair the impact of her actions is on them. If she were making an effort the heal then I'd have a different opinion but, she's not and that definitely impacts the kids. Is ongoing behaviour in their best interest?? I don't think so. As I said, you ultimately, have to do what you think is right for you and you family. This is a really tough call. I'll keep you in my prayers.

I liked what he said and I think I can go along with it. I'm not ready to give up yet and he at least highlighted how much and what I feel at the moment.

This means that I am truly not ready yet to give up on her and us as a family. Therefore I am going to keep going and see what happens. Harley was quite clear about the things that would happen that would show me that I could not do anymore. Regards Neil.

Porshe S: I don't know your story, but I'm interested.... what is a 'guarded Plan A'? Thanks.

Go for it Porsche

Have some fun for yourself & the girls. It really worked in my case. I had excellent fun in the process and WW now is coming around as she wants to join in as well!

Good luck.

A guarded Plan A is effectively a Plan A whereby my Wife knows that there is a route home and a way to recover. Its a Plan wherein she knows that I love her and want us to work on our issues.

Its guarded in regards to my interaction. She is a Child Abuse Victim running away. She sees her life now as happier because she has no responsibilities really. She hurts me ever time I see her so I must protect against that. And therefore "guard" my emotions.

Ultimately a guarded Plan A wont last a very long time because it is already very draining for me. I just hope that she sees me for what I am.

Finally its about being the best me there is - both Husband and Father. Whether thats a Husband to my wife or a future wife is irrelevant.

Regards Neil.

What's most important here is what you want to do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My opinion is just that...my opinion. If you are doing what you think is best, then, that's the best solution! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You are living in this situation, not me. We are here to support your choices and present you with options. I'm hoping you didn't infer from my previous post that you shouldn't try. I was just wondering how you and the kids would cope. If you still have the strength and feel that your choice is what works for you now...then that's the best possible choice! Keep us posted.

Okay..thanks for info. I'll keep checking your thread to see how you're doing.

Thanks MGM, no I didnt take your post the wrong way. In fact I have always valued your input.

I know after talking to Steve H that I am not ready to give up. He has outlined the things I would feel in order to give in and yet I know I am not there yet. Also the Kids want me to keep trying and that is a hard one to say no to.

I love my wife, she just doesnt see it or perhaps feel it. So I am going to give it another shot and try and make us work.Neil.

what are those things (specifically) that he outlined for you?

Steve took the view that in regards to what I have been dealing with (Child Abuse, Suicide Attempts, Cutting, Drinking, Verbal Abuse etc) that I would reach a point when I knew Plan A was no longer any good for me and I would "fall into a Plan B" (his words).

He also said some specific things that I don't want to go into for privacy reasons but the basic message was be the best Husband/Father I can be at the moment regardless of who my wife is.

He referred me to some material on BPD which has been very useful.

His basic view was that I will keep trying Plan A. My Wife's world will begin to crumble (she's happy now because its a run away - false environment with a domineering, controlling OM2 who she sees as a father). Then she may see sense and return to work on our M.

However I may also hit the point that I do not want to do it anymore, hence Plan B and Divorce.

Is that clear? Regards Neil.
p.s. bizarrely out of the blue the UK's Marriage Counselling Team "Relate" have called me and offered me an appointment! So that's tomorrow night. Gonna take all the help I can get <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I actually went to the UK's Marriage Guidance Team late yesterday. I am seeing them weekly now.

It was very helpful and supportive and supports the majority of what Steve H told me. So I am trying to look forwards now.

When she asks for things from the home thats the hardest. Last night she wanted some wall pictures ("whatever you dont want neil"), her books and paperwork etc. All of which I had to pack up and drop down to her. I couldn't help her take it into her new house. She probably thought low of me for that but I just couldn't.

I have the weekend to myself, the kids are with my WW for the first time. So I am not looking forward to being on my own <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Best Wishes Neil.

Hi Neil

I just caught up on your thread - I think I've read some of it before, but didn't realise how difficult your situation was with WW.

Could I ask a couple of questions? Have you just had the one call with Steve H or have you had several? Was it worth it (obviously for you),but I wonder maybe for me as WS and finally, if not too rude, was it very expensive?

I am seeing an IC who is Relate trained. I find her very sympathetic towards me, but I don't find myself being terrible challenged. I don't know if you remember from my earlier posts, but I really need to find out why I had the A - it is too important to me to let it go.

Thanks Neil, and I'm glad you feel confident about your decision. Make sure you keep yourself active at the weekend, arrange to meet friends, get out and about and do all the things you can't normally if you have your children with you. I'm sure you'll miss them, but use your time without them to benefit you.

Lisa

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa in London:
<strong>Could I ask a couple of questions? Have you just had the one call with Steve H or have you had several? Was it worth it (obviously for you),but I wonder maybe for me as WS and finally, if not too rude, was it very expensive?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So far just the one call with Steve H. Partly because I wanted to feel that I have exhausted all professional routes I could and partly because I wanted to get a non-UK )where Child Abuse situations are not easily supported) viewpoint.

Was it worth it? Yes very much so. He clarified my feelings, why I was where I was, what in his opinion were the best next steps, how to protect myself from pain from WW and he also showed me fairly bluntly that I was not done yet trying, despite the circumstances I have endured like blood, suicide and overdoses. Finally he highlighted to me what will happen to me in time if there is no response from WW and what to do then.

It was $185 so roughly $120 for around 1 1/4hrs and obviously I paid for the transatlantic call. So no not cheap by say "Relate" or BACP standards but I like you have found BACP counsellors not that challenging.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am seeing an IC who is Relate trained. I find her very sympathetic towards me, but I don't find myself being terrible challenged.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK. Now I am also going to Relate weekly. I have found it very useful and supportive and in-line with Steve H's approach. I do not therefore feel the need to use Steve H regularly. (I am going to try once a month). But "Relate" is my unbiased weekly support. I am very much alone in my situation due to the trauma of it. Family don't understand the psychological complexity and friends are at a loss.

My view regarding to "Relate" is that you get out what you put in. "Relate" wont tell you off for your A or anything like that, perhaps you should push further. Ask more pointed questions? Such as "In your experience what would I have done to avoid this? What things moved me to this point?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I don't know if you remember from my earlier posts, but I really need to find out why I had the A - it is too important to me to let it go.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Relate's job is to go back over what got you there (assuming that you are sane) and help you understand and learn. Surely the distance will play a factor for one and there will be other things.

Best wishes, Neil.