I am posting again because of conversations with my wife over the weekend and an email exhange I had with the wooman I go to lunch with at work.
I am happy in my marriage. I had a great time with my wife and we are mkaking plans to go on a trip soon. The woman I go to lunch with is happy in her marriage and she and her husband are now on a trip

I asked the woman I go to lunch wtih what she thinks about our friendship and if it is wrong. She told me there is nothing wrong as long as we don't violate the 10 commandments. She said people might miscontrue our friendship because it is unusual. She said she likes it because it belongs just to her and does not involve the other parts of her life. She said she feels a connection with me as a friend. She said she is not interested in making it a sexual thing, and said that some people if they read our emails might think wre having an affair.

I find myself wondering what is so wrong about this? I'd like some advice from women who have been in this spot. If we dont violate the commandements what is wrong? Where is the danger? I just dont see it.

It is not like we are holding hands or kissing or anything like that. I don't want to make it seem like I am looking for an argument because I will do what I think is right. But I am looking for some wisdom from people who have been in this situation.

Can a man and woman remain "just friends?" What exactly is an emotional affiar? I looked at the stuff on here and find that we don't seem to fit that criteria. She did say she had a dream about me and that she considers us partners. I said you mean lovvers and she said partners.

I have been married 15 yeras. She has been married 7. She said that no one has noticed the things about her that I do, she likes the way I see the world.

Is that an emotional affair? What is the danger of one if everyone is happy in their marriages?

Thank you for your replies.

This is the last time I'm gonna respond cautious.

An emotional affair is a connection ("she feels a connection with me"). It is exchanging emails that would look like you're having an affair.

I understand you like having your ego stroked in this way.

So, go ahead...do "what you think is right." And don't come crying to me when your wife ends up having an A (because your attention is elsewhere) or leaves you. Or both.
<Throwing up my hands in utter disgust>

I'm not a cussing woman, but WHY IN THE HE!! DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH THIS CO-WORKER SO BADLY?!

You will NOT find anyone here who will tell you it is o.k. to be alone with this woman. Did you even read the advice posted to you on your other threads? Read it again, 'cause I don't think you got it.

Or maybe you decided being with her was worth the risk.

Best of luck to you, my friend.

Lori

When you brought this up before, how many people said to go ahead with your lunches, there's nothing wrong with that relationship?

ZERO. Here you are again, trying to rationalize a relationship that can only mean trouble in the long run.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am posting again because of conversations with my wife over the weekend </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did the conversations with your wife include a discussion about your friend and these lunches? I doubt it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had a great time with my wife and we are mkaking plans to go on a trip soon. The woman I go to lunch with is happy in her marriage and she and her husband are now on a trip </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does going on trips have to do with anything? My wife and I went on dozens of trips, had wonderful times. She told me she was happy in our marriage. All the while she was having her secret affair.

Do yourself, your wife, your marriage, the other woman, her husband, her marriage, and any kids involved a favor: stop now before it's too late. You'll be grateful you did, and then you can get on with your life. Otherwise, I'm pretty certain we'll see you back here asking for help in dealing with a physical affair, not just the emotional one you are in now. Trust me - it isn't worth all the pain that will come with it.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

cautious...

quote:
"she is not interested in making it a sexual thing, and said that some people if they read our emails might think wre having an affair."

What exactly does this mean? Does it mean what I think it does? I am thinking that they must be pretty suggestive or of a sensual nature for her to make that kind of comment. Here's a thought....post them here and let the learned people on this site tell you their opinion. I can only surmise that if you won't post them, you have your answer. You would be sooooo busted! You would no longer be able to claim innocence in this "relationship".

committed

One more thought...seems as if it is no longer lunch ONLY. It appears that you all have extended your "relationship" into another realm in the form of emails.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

I enjoy this lunch with the woman but it is not about my ego being stroked. I like the company and conversatoin.
It sounds like a cliche, but who is getting hurt here? I am asking an honest question. If we go to eat once a week, who is getting hurt? Not about getting drinks after work, or plotting a way to go to a hotel to get in bed.
I bring up the trips and her relationship with her husband to show that she is happy in her marriage. She told me she was not lookin gfor anything but glad she found a friend like me
Why is that bad? I am not looking for an arguem,ent but insight from people who have gone down this road before.

The emails are not sexual or sensual at all. More like how our conversations have made her come alive, feel happy, etc. That kind of thing

1. Show the emails to your wife, and to her husband, and if they are in agreement, okay.
2. Have the 4 of you get together and see how that goes.
3. Read the book Torn Asunder
4. Seriously consider the advice you are given, instead of trying to 'justify.'

My H's 'talks' with my friend who said she was NOT AT ALL interested in him, turned into a sexual affair. Torn Asunder explains why this happens from innocent 'friendships.'

I don't think you are going to take the advice you receive here. If you go to gloryb.com they would tell you to 'go for it.' They are the other women involved with married men. I'm sure none of them intended to be in that situation either.

Good luck

I went back and read some posts from your other threads, and it's painfully obvious that you intend to ignore all the advice you are given here and will rationalize your relationship with this woman well after the two of you end up in bed together.

Since you are determined to go down this path and ultimately trash your wedding vows, I wish you good luck in dealing with all the pain that is about to come crashing down around you and a lot of other people. What a shame.

Alright...last time...

Imagine for a moment that your wife was sending those kind of emails to someone she knows. Oh, shoot, let's make it the personal trainer at your local gym.

Would you thing it was OK if you read "Oh, Sven, talking to you makes me come alive. I'm so happy when I'm with you." What would you think?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

cautious...

Quote:
"More like how our conversations have made her come alive, feel happy, etc"

And these emails would make her feel this because she is "unhappy" and not "alive" in her marriage! That is what it sounds like, you must agree. I would say that if her husband (whom she is soooo happy with) were to read things of this nature he would ask her why she was so "unhappy" in their marriage. You do not say these kind of things to another person unless there is some type of feeling there. They are suggestive...just as I said. They suggest that she is really unhappy and her marriage is dead. She is a Prime target for an affair and you are leading her there.

btw, for someone who is insistent on being given some insight and actually getting it, you are determined to keep asking until you hear what it is that you want to hear. My opinion is that you want someone to tell you to go ahead that nothing is wrong with it and to keep it up. You signed into the wrong forum for that one. But maybe you didn't, maybe it was a freudian slip on your part. You know deep down that it is wrong .

committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>The emails are not sexual or sensual at all. More like how our conversations have made her come alive, feel happy, etc. That kind of thing</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you read anything other than your own posts on this website?

THE WORD "ALIVE" IS A MAJOR BUZZWORD FOR THOSE IN AFFAIRS.

How do I know? Oh, gee, maybe because I *was* that woman you keep talking about... the woman who had an affair with my lunch buddy who made me feel "alive".

Quit kidding yourself and getting the good people here all upset for nothing. You've already started the engine and pushed the gas.

And before you tell me I don't know you, or your life, or this woman -- you're right. But I sure as hell know an affair when I read it.

I was also a BS, several times over with the same husband, by the way.

Cautious
I would suggest that you stop all of your lunches and emails now. Right Now! not tomorrow not next week but NOW.
I went to lunch and sent emails to my friend too and nothing could have been worse. I made the biggest F@#& up!! of my life. If you do not stop it will happen to you. She must be having problems in her marriage as you must be too. Don't try to justify it just end it before it is too late. Fix what is wrong at home. Friends are nothing in comparison.
I am fixing and working every day here at home and I feel that I can and will be a better person. I want that for my W and for me. I know it will be so.
Don't be a jerk now. Listen to the people here I assume that is why you are asking. Just STOP!

Nuff said.
Kid

Cautious,

Funny, that's exactly how my WW and OM A started. They had lunch together ever once in a while. They would talk about innocent stuff. He was a "good friend". Then he started to tell her about the rough times in his marriage. Dispite my warnings that he needed to talk to another male friend about that stuff, he was a "good friend and needed help". And when I wasn't meeting her EN's, guess who she talked to? Go ahead take a guess.

Cautious, I don't know if you have ever been on the receiving end of an A. But I will tell you, if youeven remotely love your W, you will not go down that path and end the relationship as it is now and not let it go any further. Unless you've experienced the betrayal, you'll never know how devestating it is. And if you can',t you're already there my friend.

S&C

Cautious,

Funny, that's exactly how my WW and OM A started. They had lunch together ever once in a while. They would talk about innocent stuff. He was a "good friend". Then he started to tell her about the rough times in his marriage. Dispite my warnings that he needed to talk to another male friend about that stuff, he was a "good friend and needed help". And when I wasn't meeting her EN's, guess who she talked to? Go ahead take a guess.

Cautious, I don't know if you have ever been on the receiving end of an A. But I will tell you, if youeven remotely love your W, you will not go down that path and end the relationship as it is now and not let it go any further. Unless you've experienced the betrayal, you'll never know how devestating it is. And if you can',t you're already there my friend.

S&C

Okay Tempted... ...I mean CAUTIOUS!...

Go lay down on your driveway and wait for me. I need 2 hook up with a friend who owns a beat up 1963 Pontiac Bonneville 2 see if he'll let me borrow it for a 2ple of hours. I'd like 2 drop by and run you over 11 or 13 times. I think you could use it.

P.S. That Pontiac has a bad oil leak!

And from a FWW who used the same lines.....
does it ever occur to you that this woman is manipulating you by denying she wants a sexual relationship and is sooooo happy in her M? She's stroking your ego, telling you your friendship means so much to her, you make her feel alive, she wants this just for herself, and then saying there's nothing wrong with what you do. Boy, what hooey! And how do I know? 'Cause I said EXACTLY the same thing to the man I was trying to have an A with. Do you know anything about the devious ways of OW?????

Wise up, or you're going to wind up in her bed and wonder how it all happened.

I think you are some sort of joke. You dont want our advice. Obviously. So many people who have been there have told you. Men, Women, etc. You seemed determined to ignore us. It makes me wonder if your wife is truly happy with you. Even if she werent she could tell you about a zillions times...it wouldnt matter. You only hear what you want to hear. Give it a rest...and give us some credit. I wish you would respond to the people who suggest the reverse scenario...if your wife came alive becasue of her lunch buddy. You seem to refuse to even contemplate that possibility.
Honestly why do you come here. What do you really want to hear. Go ahead...go to lunch...youre right the other 25,000 of us are wrong. We are all just paranoid, too quick to judge and irrational...or maybe we just dont live in the FOG...enjoy the mist it only gets thicker...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>Can a man and woman remain "just friends?"
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless one of them is gay...the answer is no!!!

Start getting others to join you in a group lunch...or stop the lunches now.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: straycat ]</small>

Hey Cautious (who is ever so cautiously keeping BOTH feet on the banana peel...),

How do I put this??????

Hmmmmmmmmm........

#1, after losing my 14 year marriage (anniversary is TODAY, by the way) to a guy who my WW said "It just started by him paying attention to me". Never mind the fact that I was out working, trying to keep her high class [censored] up....(Sorry 'bout that.......)
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If I had it to do all over again, I would probably ask the OM why he is trying to take care of TWO of something that he couldn't take care of ONE of......If THAT didn't get my message across, then I would probably give that BOY a spanking. Yes...A 36 year old BOY! Why a boy?

Because REAL MEN do not make OTHER men's wives happy. It's not their DAMN JOB! GET IT?

HCII