My husband and I have been separated for 3 months after 16 years of marriage and just very recently, agreed to rule out divorce for now and try to work things out. We agreed not to see other people (which I had not been doing anyway) and he was going to break the emotional ties he had with another woman. During this separation, neither of us has had any physical relationship with anyone else. My husband had, however, established a "friendship" with a much younger woman. He's 36, she's 20. She tried very hard to get something going with him. He has since told her that he and I would be working on things and that he wouldn't be seeing her. Anyway, this past weekend, there was a wedding and he was there, I was there and the "friend" was there. All evening, if he wasn't around me, she was around him, flirting, begging him to dance with her and he was trying to say no without being mean to her (which she took as a "maybe later")But she'd just dance right there in front of him. Now, he knew I was sitting there, seeing all this. He would just smile and laugh and talk to her. I let him know I was upset, and it continued. So, I went to her and calmly told her to leave him alone. He saw me talking to her and came right over to get me away from her. We went outside and talked. I was mad at him even more for allowing this to happen. He tried to reason with me. I was not very nice to him. I wasn't very cooperative. When we went back in, she approached him again! The dance was over and as I was leaving, I made a very rude comment to her. I was out of line with that, and the next day, I sent a note apologizing.

Now, my husband is really afraid I will change my mind about working things out. Which I haven't done. I kind of feel like I acted like an idiot. On the one hand, all she did was flirt, etc. On the other hand, this is one person he promised not to be around anymore. How should I have handled this? What should I do now?

Also, we live in a very small town and I know we will run into her again, somewhere. My gut instinct is to not worry about it. I trust my husband in that I know he won't have a PA, but he is so vulnerable to EA's. He loves to discuss our problems with anyone who will listen. And if it's a woman who appears to be taking his side, that seems to really interest him. Obviously, I was not meeting his EN for affection and conversation. I allowed my resentment for his emotional abuse to shut me down. Long story. But in a way, I feel responsible that he looked for companionship elsewhere. Anyway, I need help, please!

janemh -

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. I wish I had been more vocal with my FWH and his friends. There have been several occassions when his one of his friends would flirt, hang on him, rub his leg with me sitting next to him. He would not stop her from doing it. I would tell him I did not like it and I would get "it's no big deal, she is just my friend".

He likes being the center of attention and when he receives "attention" from a female, he is quite attracted to it.

His EA/no-sex PA was with an old HS friend who looked him up. She wasn't an old GF just a friend. Well, this friend of his has been carrying a crush for him for 20 years, yuck. Well, of course she paid attention to him, hung on every word, was always available just to talk. They saw each other about 8 times for lunch and the last six ended with a kiss goodbye.

Anyway - we have set up some boundaries on friends. We do not go out alone with friends of the opposite sex. We are not the only one with a group of opposite sex. If that happens, the other one is invited along, if the friends don't like that, then we don't go. The other one always informed on any communication that is received from a friend.

You probably notice that I said "we", this way it is not one sided. Like you, this is not a problem for me. I already had these boundaries in place for myself.

Boundaries are a great thing. This way you both know the "rules" and if they are broken there will be consequences.

Best Wishes
Bearcub

bearcub-I do know one thing, if the situation were reversed and I had the "friend", he would be upset. My husband is like yours, loves the attention. Do you think I am being unreasonable about the "no contact" with this woman?

I don't think you're unreasonable at all! If this woman (child/girl) is acting as you say, then it is entirely inappropriate. She is being sexually suggestive with a married man, which is understandably disturbing you, interfering with your R with your H, and is just plain wrong. Your H should understand that he's being selfish to ignore your feelings, especially since this woman supposedly means nothing to him. Who is the one he's committed to - you or her?! "Being nice" and "friendly" only goes so far!!

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

jane,

I read and re-read what you said and I am mystified. Just what have you done wrong and why do you feel bad? You handled an bad situation with class and diplomacy. Most women would have lit into her or the husband and made a public scene. You tried to handle a horrible situation calmly and rationally.

Most women are not trashy and brazen enough to come onto someone's husband right in front of their eyes and you handled it very well. If the worse thing you gave her was a snotty retort, I would have to say that you let her off easy, but she certainly had AT least that coming.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I agree with SH94, No Contact is a must. My FWH has cut off all contact with all of his female friends, especially xOW. He changed his email address and work phone number. He has become invisible to the outside world.

He would coorespond with a few other "friends" on a regular basis and would see a couple of them for lunch, he has cut them all off. It was a request of mine so we could move forward and he agrees. The only females he is in contact with are his co-workers and he has very very limited contact with them, it is only work related. No lunches with them on his own either. One of his male co-workers go or I go along.

H realizes it's like an alcoholic. Don't go where the drinks are being served, if you get my meaning.

He is working on why he loves the attention so much. I think it's a childhood thing, there was not much attention from his mother or father.

He understands now that flirting is just a bunch of sh** <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , say thanks and move on. That there are people out there that will do anything to keep you coming back for more and don't care who they hurt.

It took a couple of weeks for me to get this through to my H. I have to admit, it took some LBing on my part to get him to hear it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I had to bring up some past examples of his "friends" and where they crossed the line. But, now that it's sunk in, he can see what I am talking about.

We are working on the ENs and he now knows that he needs to be Open and Honest with me. That the only flirting he is to take seriously is from me.

Let me know how you are doing. This is a tough one. I really feel once your H hears what you are saying, he will realize what a problem this has and could cause.

Cub

Janemh,

I just posted on your other thread. Have you read the basic concepts section above? Would you and your H be able to take the emotional needs questionnaire located there?

The Harley's here have a lot of good support tools to offer. Including phone counseling that is very progressive.

If you can find the book: His needs/her needs it may give you both info on how to best look out for the needs of the other. Then both you and your H will be involved in watching out for each other, when other persons try to butt into your R, the proper defense mechanism will automatically pop up because he will be looking out for you and visa versa. I know, easier said than done but it's a start right?!?!?!

take care,
L.

Just explain to your husband that we women KNOW when someone is vulnerable to us and by him allowing these flirtations-it makes him look like an unfaithful husband to her and anyone who sees it going on.
Let him know that you realize he is faithful, but you don't want it in any form appearing that he isn't and you want people to think the best of him.
No response to this girls flirtations would be best.

thanks for the responses. I feel better about it now. I felt like I was in high school again and I am 37 years old. But since she's 20, that's probably where she still is emotionally. My husband promises now to have NOTHING to do with her and if she tries to contact him, he promises to tell me. I think what is tough for him is that he is good friends with her parents. They are like business colleagues. What's funny is that her mother actually acts the same way the daughter does, but not to such an extreme. So it wouldn't break my heart if my husband didn't have a friendship with the mother either. IMO, he never should have started anything with this girl in the 1st place. Lesson learned. I will stand my ground on this. I read the comments about boundaries, and I have always had a problem there, setting them and enforcing them. This is something I will work hard to accomplish. Thanks again for comments.
I am mystified on how couples survive actual affairs. I don't know if I could do it since something like this bothers me so much.