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Hi! I am a first-time poster on this board and I have a few questions.
first, my history. (I'll try to be brief) I am currently separated from husband of 16 years. (separated 6/02) We have 2 children together, D15 and S10. I also have a daughter from my 1st marriage, she's 21. My husband's and my relationship has been rocky basically from the beginning. We had an extremely co-dependent relationship in the beginning. He was a drug addict, I was co-dependent and that worked out well. (so to speak) I did everything for him, fixed everything for him, catered to him, lost myself-for him, and learned not to stand up to him because he had a tendancy to rage and destroy things. But most of the time, he was very sweet and gentle and sensitive, more than the average guy.

About half way through, I became depressed, I think. I became resentful. I blamed him for my unhappiness. After all, I did all this FOR HIM and never got to do anything FOR MYSELF. I realize now that I had a choice, but at the time, I felt like I didn't. Needless to say, I became emotionally detached, isolated myself from everything. Even my kids sometimes. (boy, do I feel guilty about that) His temper tantrums no longer scared me, they annoyed me. His neediness annoyed me. He still has a way of manipulating people (me and the kids) with anger. My son, 10, is now the same way. My daughters are pretty much like me. Passive. Our intimacy level went to zero. We only coexisted.

In January of this year, we found out that our daughter had sex with her "boyfriend" It was a bad experience for her. She felt coerced, used. She cried the whole next day and wouldn't come out of the bathroom. I tried to comfort her, told her she has to forgive herself, learn from it and move on. My husband chooses to stop speaking to her. And he didn't speak to her until May. For 5 months, I watched him ignore her. She became very depressed and spiraled downward. Quit activities at school. Started drinking and using drugs. Grade point average went from 4.0 to 2.5. Talked about suicide (which is when I got her into therapy and they put her on Prozac) When I told my husband she was suicidal, he proceeded to talk about HIS feelings, how hurt HE is, how disappointed HE is. I said I did not want to talk about HIS feelings. I wanted to talk about HERS. He said I never did care about his feelings, and we should just get a divorce. (he said that a lot when we fought) this time, I said ok. So we are not separated.

Right after the separation, he begged for forgiveness and another chance. Treated my like gold. When I said I need time to think, he did an about face and treated me like I didn't exist. After 3 months of separation, we have started talking, wondering if we can save this. He has admitted his mistakes, as I have mine. and he is trying to redevelop a relationship with our daughter. She is hesitant at this point.

I do still love him and he loves me. We have a long way to go, I know. I still think a lot of his issues have to do with his abusive childhood. His mother is awful. She hates me, for no reason. She's mean to the kids. and we lived in a house owned by husband's parents. What relief I felt to get out of that house!! I don't know if I could ever go back.

One more obstacle. About 2 years before we separated, he joined the Jehovah's Witnesses. I also studied with them for a time, then concluded that I cannot support their beliefs. I quit. He still goes. I was raised Lutheran and my research only strengthened my Christian faith. This is a conflict for us, as the kids are asked to practice in 2 very opposite ways.

So that's it in a nutshell. Sorry to be so looonnnggggg. I think it would help to chat with people here and get some input. Do you think we can repair all this damage? How should we go about it? Advice welcome.

First let me say welcome to MB!!! You have come to a place were it is possible to re-build a marriage and even a bad one can be made better.

Read everything that there is here, go over to just found out and look at some of the welcome post there. You will need to share with your H the things that you read here and get his input, will he consider counseling ofr the marriage? Get the books that the Harley's have read them and share with your H, you might look at finding some books or on line info on the co-dependent thing too.

You have found a place that is usually warm and loving, and very supportive, from time to time people may say something that you are not ready to hear yet, but that is done with love and support.

The two religion thing I am sure is a problem, I was raised Lutheran and am still Lutheran, and through the things that I have went through and endured this past 18 months, I have come closer to God and to my church.

Have you ever had your pastor speak with your husband concerning the JW's? Or is your H not willing to listen to anyone or anything against the JW's?

There are also lots of prayers said for others here, and I will say one for you and your H.

Again Welcome, keep posting keep reading, this is a good place for you to be!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

Janemh,

I am sorry for your situation. Your H sounds like he could use some MC. Is he willing to get it?

My H had anger issues also. He had a rough childhood and many of his siblings have had their troubles spill into their adult life and into their new families. The point is that each must learn to deal with their own lives. How they interact with others (especially family memebers) is important. We make an impact on our children.

As to the 2 different religions, that in itself can bring tension. I do know this, if your H is studying with a JW he is taught that he is the family head and scripturally responsible for providing for his family and respecting each of them. This may help quell his anger episodes. I know of several who have studied with the JW and learned to turn their lives around. In one case a man was verbally abusive to his W and children due to his drinking. They divorced and many many years later after he studied and applied what he learned from the Bible, he was able to deal with his alocholism and clean up his life. He now is in the position to help others and is doing much better but he knows that the years he took away from his children hurt them deeply. While he is trying to be a good parent now, he still has that stigma but that doesn't stop him from trying. I respect him for that.

Your H does need to respect your decisions. Many think that JWs are pushy with their beliefs. It is often the matter of presentation. The intent is well meant but the viewpoint is not always the same. Similar principal like the BS sometimes, we mean well but sometimes by our actions we are trying to fix things soo much we push the WS away. I had to contend with this attitude of my own. LOL!!

You may also benefit from some MC counseling also. H & I both went and H said he didn't need it but he is the one that ended talking with Steve and our MC. So you never know.

It is important that your children get help so that they don't carry some of the bad habits around them into their adult lives. As parents that should be a personal goal. Is there any counseling services in your area for your children?

take care,
L.

Daybreak and Orchid-thank you very much for your responses. Yes, my husband has agreed to marriage counseling. I started last night, alone. and he goes alone later this week. then we'll go together. I'm nervous about this, but it is our only hope. We have some serious issues to work out. and I pray that God will help us to do the right thing. I am still bothered by past issues, (parenting, religion, etc.) but I don't feel angry anymore. I don't feel like I need to dump the blame on him. I take responsibility for my role and I am willing to do what I need to do. I have spent the entire separation reading, learning, researching and doing a lot of personal introspection. I know that I forgive, but I also know that we cannot repeat old habits or we'll be right where we are now again. He is just starting this process, since he chose to go out and have fun and try to forget about me instead. But I believe that he loves me and hopefully, he will heal, too. Thanks for your prayers.