dear Sharon,

Re telling your friends. You do have a right to seek support in this difficult time. If he hadn't done this you'd have nothing to discuss with your friends.

That said, you don't want to push your H further from you by making him feel ashamed or embarrassed with your friends. I would not discuss with him who you've spoken to. If he asks specifically, did you tell x? you might say yes.

I told a small group of friends about H's A. Inlaws plus my parents don't know. My H knows about some friends I've told, not about others. However my H did not leave me and move 1,000 miles away. That's pretty hard to conceal! And it makes your situation different.

So if it comes up, and only discuss it in response to his questions- you can say, "Nancy wondered where you were. I had to tell her you weren't living with us anymore." I don't know if I would admit to telling people about OW, it will push H further away if he feels he is coming home to embarrassment and scorn.

Would your mutual friends confront H? Most people don't like confrontations.

If they are his close friends too, and they are sensitive, it could help.

You can't control what they do, so don't worry too much about it.

Somewhere on this website recently I saw a post by a guy who married an Eastern European woman, much younger than him. She cheated on him with a young student from her home country, used him for his money etc.I find it hard to believe your H will find happiness.

Leave the divorce discussions for lawyers. Avoid the topic. especially this weekend, be nice to him. but look like you're keeping busy, like you are planning to move on with your life. look good, look sexy. If he were to ask you if you're dating, you could say enigmatically- well, some people have been interested but I am married....."

I am very new to this infidelity stuff and I don't know how much my opinion counts, but I agree that you should act as if you've moved on. Try not to bring the situation up unless he does, because he's probably expecting you to. If he's anything like my WH, it will drive him nuts to think that you're not totally lost without him and that you ARE moving on.

My WH is so used to me crying, being sad about the situation, and always wanting to "talk" about things that when I don't HE NOTICES. He doesn't even pay attention to my pleads or hurt feelings anymore. And if you get the urge to yell or cry to him, just remember that it will not get you any closer to what you want. Any negative words or actions only "make withdrawals" from his feelings for you.

Thanks Jessum and Espoir,

I do hope that no one confronts him about this. I don't think anyone will most people I know also know that I am trying to rebuild (think I'm crazy) so I don't think they will do anything to mess that up, besides most of these people have no connection with him. The only ones I worry about are the football coaches at the high school. He was close to them I am close to their wives, they already knew something was up, just not the extent. But things like this have a way of getting around. The coaches are to classy of guys I think and hope to say anything bad or show him anything but respect and kindness. I don't know if the coaches know, the wives do, but who knows? Besides when people come flat out and ask you "Is there someone else involved?" the look on your face kind of gives it away. BTW checked out the Chinese warrior site, cool, have to check it out some more but some good tactics. After all this is a war.

Jessum,

Yes, my H also tried (very quickly) of any relationship talk or reasoning from me. He was honest in one sense he kept telling me he didn't think I should wait because I would probably get bad news. He was right.

I do however think all along his decision headged on if OW could get to US. As soon as she found out she could his mind was made up.

Yes I really don't see the R between them lasting. He is convinced this is what he wants, I am not so sure about her. She is young, smart, beautiful, educated. I hate to say this but if I were her I would NOT pick my H. H's best friend thinks she is using him, I tend to agree, but who knows? I have been wrong about a lot of things. And even if things don't work out he might not want to come home. He has made some incredibly BAD decisions of late, don't know if he can swallow his pride. My son-in-law thinks he is setting himself up to be a very lonely old man.

I really want to do it right next weekend, as I said this may be my last chance for a long time. I don't want to leave a bad taste in his mouth. It is so funny with all the hurt, pain, lies, disrespect, humiliation, I still want him back. He once said he did not think he would be so forgiving in my situation. I only hope he can forgive himself enough to choose the right path in life, with or without me.

Thanks for your help!! I do feel I'm getting stronger everyday. I have felt like that ever since finding this site. It really helps. You all understand, and have the same goals in mind.

BTW Jessum, welcome to MB, you've come to the right place to get help. Get strong.

Sharon

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>