Why can't I grieve without someone telling me I'm crazy?

How does one PREPARE for the worst? Why is someone expected to prepare for the worst? Will it reduce the pain if divorce is the next step?

The "world" wants me to be so many other things.

I'm not.

I'm sad. I'm grieving. I still cry after a year.
My husband is gone for two weeks and possibly hand in hand with the OW and I am expected to BE OK.

WHY?

Seperation is almost, if not just as painfull as when a spouse deceases ... mayby it's harder because sometimes you just can't let go.
So you've every right to grieve.

(((((((((( Terrified ))))))))))

Let the "world" know that in order for you to "get over it", you have to "go through it" first. And that's EXACTLY what you're doing.

Every tear that you shed, slowly releases a tiny piece of the pain you feel. Grieving is all about the gentle release of pain, and it takes time. My grieving books talked about the ebb and flow of the tides, and how that is just like our tears and emotions during grieving.

Take care, and don't forget to call if you need to talk.

Karen

Hello S and thanks for responding...my counsellor says separation and/or divorce is much worse than death.

I just want to escape the pain somehow but it never leaves me.

I am still in great shock.

I still cannot believe he left without a trace. And doesn't care if people think he's with AN OW...

Is it stupid of me to believe in my heart that he wouldn't flaunt an OW just yet?

There is nothing stuppid about feelings you have. Sorry you're feeling so bad ... wish I could help, but I guess nobody really can help.
Hope you will feel better soon

Thank-you Topie & S.

Honestly, I don't want to be in this place I find myself. I don't want to grieve but I have no choice.

Everyone wants me to be prepared for divorce.

Is anyone ever ready?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is anyone ever ready?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I'm not ready should my wife choose to not come home anymore ... but how dou you prepare for something like that?

T- KNOW WHO YOUR BALCONEY people are... that is those who care about you and your plight and your grief... don't give a dang about those others.. who expect you to be just fine and MOVE ON... who are they to expect such a thing... is it their family in this plight?

I am sorry you have so many in your life who don't love you enough. I know the feeling with some of my friends and family... now not that they don't neccessarily love you enough... but maybe not in the way you need it.

Know who cares and supports you in the way you need... it... and who doesn't. As for those who don't have a pat answer. LIke... don't want to discuss this with you, etc.

I am sorry,... I too have the same issues... even here on this board I too often get told to move on.

I am sorry that you are still waiting, I do think with kindness and love and the willingness to wait out this crazy time for our ws's there is hope. I know it might not be the most desired choice our friends and families would make for us... but we choose to try to save our families and keep them intact, for that we are quite wonderful I do believe.

We do not have to be doormats just because we are willing to try to save our marriages . Draw appropriate boundaries... and be sure to protect and take care of yourself. I have trouble with that, I neglect me all too much. I am trying to do some cleaning today which is hard on me. I am still depressed, no longer on the antid's but not even sure they helped.

I am sorry it is so hard, hugs to you.

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear Honey, It's strange that you mention it but aside from my MB friends, there are very few balconies. Only two that I can count...

I'm going to try and hang tough despite the lack of support I don't have.

Thank-you so much.

I know that you feel just as much pain...

Terri ~ I can tell you why the "world" puts so much pressure on you to "get over it" and "move on", but its not a very nice answer unfortunately.

The reason is selfishness. Pure and simple.

Your emotions make the "world" uncomfortable. So you are pressured to stop bothering everyone else.

"Don't feel that way" the World says, "Your pain, your tears, your grief and your sorrow are difficult for ME to cope with. I don't have time to listen to your troubles, as long as you are caught up in your problems, you can't focused on me, and *I* am a much more interesting topic to discuss and focus on. Acknowledging the grave harm that your husband has done to you and your daughter might mean that I have to inconvenience myself in any number of ways. Besides, one day, I might want to do the same thing myself. It makes me uncomfortable to think that I might be a hypocrite. Or perhaps I did do what your husband is doing, and your raw pain and grief makes me feel guilty. Stop it. Guilt doesn't feel good either. Or perhaps I was in your shoes - and I wish I had handled it differently. But to acknowledge that you are doing what I wish I had done - means that I have to admit that I made a mistake. Being wrong is uncomfortable."

"So my dear Terri," the World finishes, "hide your tears, your fears, your pains. They bother me, and you don't want to be selfish do you?"

Dear Terrified, Most days that is how I feel-terrified-knowing I may have to do what I don't want to do and having people say Well it was time, you've done enough, he deserves it etc. Some of my friends were doing the same thing to me, and finally I told one of them how I felt and she is supporting me. she has been thru a similar sit. with her husband so she understands more than other people do. My H. has been doing this for a 1 1/2 and I still feel like a brick hit me, Some days I am ok, but when I really think about being without him for the rest of my life I can't breathe, I know I have to go thru this but it's very hard. I cry more now than I did at first, or at more unexpected times. I'm starting to lose hope and that makes me sad also. Just remember the people here know what you are dealing with, we're going thru it too, and it can't be rushed. Everyone has their own timetable and you do have support-even if we're not in the flesh, we are real and we're listening. Hugs to you, DBD

Have you ever heard this saying?

"When you're going through hell....don't stop"

This is unfortunately something you have to get through because you have absolutely no control over it. Your H has brought you to this place, now you need to decide whether to stay there or do what you can to find happiness.

I feel as though I've been in your H's skin. And I am so frustrated with your situation.

I don't think he's going to reach an epiphany on his own -- I think its going to take YOU taking ACTION for that to happen.

Just my gut.

Terri,

So many of us here know exactly what you are talking about.

Listen to Bramble, she's so wise. It's so true....those around you only tell you to "move on" so they don't have to continually listen to you drone on. We've all been there...gotten those words.

The truth is, you [n]need to[/b] talk it out and "grieve" in your own way. Does this mean there is NO HOPE for your M? I have no idea. But no one can tell you it is or isn't.

In the meantime, you have to take it at your own pace. NO ONE can dictate that to you.

Lexxy is also right. You have no control over your H's actions at this time. All you can do is continue to focus on you and your D to keep her life as calm as is in your power to do so.

Remember, WE all understand! WE ALL know the inner feelings you have, fears, thoughts, etc. You can come here and vent anytime. What a relief!!

Take good care, and God Bless,

Terrified - I just recently got divorced actually last Wednesday - I am still not sure why - the details of his affair have been bad but still very sketchy - anyways as an answer to your question - I don't think that you are ever ready to do it... I know that I have gone from this totally sane normal person - to someone who is one antidepressants, in a womans group, seeing a individual therapist.. And you know I still don't think that I have accepted the fact that I am divorced - It all happened so smoothly and basically that was because of me - my children are 9 and 12 and they were what was important to me.. My husband is selfish - he still doesn't see it and he twists everything around makes me feel like he is the victim in all of this and it is very irratating - WS are very manipulative... I had to go to child classes in preparation for my divorce and they said if you think you are crazy well you aren't you are just getting divorced - divorced is ranked second to only death of a spouse, child or parent in the stress level.. I also think that everyone tells me to let it go, give up, who cares anymore he is gone - really because they love you and they don't want to see you hurt.. But I do agree that no one really understands unless you are dealing with it yourself and only you can tell yourself how long you are willing to deal with it... Good Luck

Thanks for all of your replies. Replies give me something to "dwell" on...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your emotions make the "world" uncomfortable. So you are pressured to stop bothering everyone else. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Bramble, You are to be explain so explicitly which means people made you feel like this too? It's not just me? Did you ever feel like you stopped?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So my dear Terri," the World finishes, "hide your tears, your fears, your pains. They bother me, and you don't want to be selfish, do you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And did you hide...

Dear Day, Thank-you for your kind words. I feel the same most of my days.

Dear Lex, How are you? I'm thinking of you...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think its going to take YOU taking ACTION for that to happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you still believe that "action" is PLAN B?

Dear Lupo, So kind of you to continue on with all of us...it's so HARD but you're right.

Dear Maw, I feel your pain!

Hi T,
I miss ya! I always look for your posts and updates!

Anyways, to answer your question -- no, I don't think the right action for you is Plan B. I only advocated that because of how hostile and angry he was acting -- and for your protection only!

What my gut tells me is that the "180" stuff is the plan for you! Call it Plan A with an attitude!

I think you should interact with him as much as possible -- as long as there are NO lb's. And when doing so, I think you should project an image of strength, calmness, and self-confidence!

I think what it will take for him to "wake up" is a vision of you truly moving on. I think he needs to see you doing what he's been asking of you. Accept it and move on. (ACT LIKE IT....consider it to be your own fog talk!!)

Do what he's asking of you. I'll bet everything I've got that he won't like it. As soon as he sees you separating from him, he'll want to pull you back.

I think his wake up call will come when he sees you slipping away, and realizing that this fantasy life with OW will never happen.

Push his buttons instead of waiting for him to push yours. (NOT LB'ing....but aggressively moving in the way he's asking you to.) Ask him if he's going to see an attorney. Ask him what he has in mind for visitation.

Start living life for yourself and D. Leave him out of it. Strongly suggest you plan a vacation for you and D, especially one he'd like to be a part of. Make lots of changes to the house. Be mysterious. But always Happy, Positive, and Confident. Let him really start to wonder whats going on with you! But always let him see you at your BEST!

Thats the Plan I think will work for you. Plan B comes into effect when he's not behaving! If he can't be nice -- then he doesn't get the priviledge of being in your company!

When he gets home, give him a stunner! Tell him that you've spent lots of time thinking, and you think he's totally right, you're ready to move on.

Start operating from a place of power. Stop letting him feel sorry for poor T who just can't handle all of this. Start acting like he's not such a great prize, and you're not sure you'd take him back. (notice the word *acting*, I know thats not how you feel inside) Start demanding respect.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Lexxxy ]</small>

Lex, You "sound" good. Thanks for reminding me of how I should continue to execute my Plan A. Hard to remember...I'm starting to become jittery regarding his return from God knows where...

Re:changes to the house, well, although everyone tells me I shouldn't wasting my time because I should just sell and start over...I actually had of our painter friends repaint the sitting room/playroom with a yellow colour (that I picked out on my own). Actually, it looks pretty. I tore out the carpet in that same room and as I write, the hardwood floor is being installed. One of our other friends, picked up the couch (11 years old) for his cottage the other night so that old remnant will be gone too!

It feels really good to be making some positive changes. Most people ask, "Does H know that you're doing this..." I reply, "No, but do I know where he is?"

I also purchased a new bed. I was hoping it would come in before the weekend but it doesn't look like it. Oh well...

Pray for me.

T- Good for you, making small progress at my house too! Even with one income!

I noticed a lot of us women in this boat, make more than our h's anyway... hmmm? ego issues, here?

HUGS AND LUCK!

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I hate the sound of you being jittery....I wish so much that you were angry.

I think you get a lot more strength from anger.

Why should you be jittery about his return? If anything you should be ready to kick his butt -- what nerve he has going away without care and concern for D. Its just all about him isn't it?
Poor Poor WS. (ARRRRGGGGGGG)

What are you worried about? That he might come home and say he doesn't want you? Well sheeeeesh -- is that something you haven't heard a million times this past year????

Give him a jolt. Tell him YOU don't want HIM.

Serves him right. What an arrogant jerk to think this is all his choice. You know you have the right to make some choices too. Is this the kind of man you want for a H?

BE STRONG.

Bump -- I see you're around T.....how are things?