AGH!

here is the list as of today.

lose weeight
get undepressed
find out what I want from life and be on track for it without him/

OK- basically he wants me happy as a single mom and loving it and doing great, then he can love me...

by the way, he cant talk about his issues ...

sorry this is a short list and he had to go, because we were runming up his cell phone minutes.

opinions? typical ws? a-ho-e ws?

thanks, Honey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>AGH!

here is the list as of today.

lose weeight
get undepressed
find out what I want from life and be on track for it without him/</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are things you should do for yourself and not because another person is blackmailing you!! Yes, that is exactly what he is doing. You may want to consider being kind to yourself and loving yourself, if you aren't already. The extra weight and the depression are symptoms of other problems. It's also hard to get your life on track when you are depressed. Deal with your issues when you are ready because you want to and not because someone else thinks you should.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>

by the way, he cant talk about his issues ...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he can't! He's too busy blaming you for his bad behaviour. Just so you know...it is typical for a WS to find fault with the BS to justify their own behaviour. Self-examination is can be a very scary proposition...most WS can't 'go there'(with good reason!).

Honey,

How's Al-Anon working for you?

A woman who values herself would say, "Glad you noticed what I'm already doing. BTW, I'm not interested in you coming back here until you are interested in doing what it will take to make a marriage work. This is a great list for me to be functional. But this is not a we list. And I'm not really interested in having my inventory taken... So please don't do it again. Your opinion of me is none of my business." Then end the conversation or change the topic, but don't get into it with him.

This "Jerry McGuire" concept that "you complete me" is so full of b.s. Honey, you are a great woman, ALL BY YOURSELF. You don't need some booze-sogged ho-chaser to "complete" you!!!!

The fact is, as long as he can yank your chain, he's reminding you that he has you on a leash! He will NEVER get clean and sober until he has NOTHING left to blame. And until he gets clean and sober, you will NEVER have a marriage with him. Just some sick cycle that if you really take a look at your life for the last few years, has dominated and sucked all the happiness and joy out of your life.

You want to get "undepressed"? Jetison the drunk. Acceptance is the answer to all your problems. Accept that he will never be the husband you thought he was going to be. Grieve the loss.

Then work your own program. Hard. Not cause it's on his list of Honey-do's. But because it's on YOUR list of Honey-dues.

There are higher odds of him becoming the man you want if you accept that he will never be the man you dreamed he was, than you hanging in there, being "there" for him to blame. (And once he's clean and sober, there are higher odds of him wanting to be in your life and EARN his way to your side, than assume he can come to the table "as he is" while you have to be "perfect".

thanks, I know he is ridiculous- he may have a point, but let's talk aobut how we can work this out together, right? I think he just enjoys no responsibilities.

Maybe the kids need to visit? Sad thing with that is they are better off here.

Thanks - HOney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi my H told me he wanted me to lose weight, and to get over my depression. Then hes living with a woman a couple of stone heavier than me who has just been depressed over loss of job!!!

Do what you want to do for you- if H then asks to come back you can choose to set the boundaries.
Jante

Honey - this is not a dictatorship... He is not King Jim for gods sake - I have seen the picture of him that you had posted and he is not all that and a bag of chips... I also so your picture and you are not fat.... And do you want somone who tells you to do ridiculous things like that - I mean he should love you unconditionally - You are depressed because he is an A** not just for the fun of it...And if you find out how to get your life back on track without him - I am sure you won't be stopping along the way to pick him back up... As you can tell right now I am very aggravated - I just told my husband to get the rest of his crap out of my house - he actually drove into my driveway to pick up my kids and waved to the OW who lives next door - ok I lost it... You know what they are just wacked... Now I actually have an alchol question for you - is he really an alcholic ?? Has he always had a drinking problem?? Or is he just drinking as an excuse to live with what is going on ??? Do you drink??? I know in the beginning when my husband first told me he cheated on me - he was drinking like a fish because it gave him more power and I don't know the ability to believe all of the crap that was coming from his mouth - but the more I nagged the more he drank.... Just wondering??? I am so sick of all of the mellow drama - I just want a normal life - with a normal man or with no man at all - I need to be happy - And so do you - We need unconditional love and we need to stop taking care of our spouses who so clearly do not want our help...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>thanks, I know he is ridiculous- he may have a point, but let's talk aobut how we can work this out together, right? I think he just enjoys no responsibilities.

Maybe the kids need to visit? Sad thing with that is they are better off here.

Thanks - HOney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He does not have a point!!! OMG, woman, how can you look at that list and say that?
Oh Honey, I'm not a praying person but I'm begging the higher power to please get you to believe in yourself and not wait on this man.
*shakes head* This is so utterly wrong, no one should be made to go through this.

Hi, I guess I agree I need to lose wt and get undepressed, but gee, he is grasping at straws here. Basically, I guess someone who wants their marriage to work and has gotten upset and acted a little nuts over infidelity is not desiriable. But then again, I am not dealing with an insane person, but one who is drunk almost every night.

Anyway- MAW- my ws is an active alcoholic. Unfortunately. I am saddened and sickened over this. He is in denial over this and so is everyone he knows but me and the kids, well os who is old enough to see daddy drink all the time.

He is much worse now in the A, and apart from a semblance of normal life. He is not doing well. I do have a tendancy towards depression and am there with this going on, and worse because of it.

I drink, but can control it and stop it. WS cannot. He turns a few beers into 20 easily... I might be exaggerating a bit, but that is the jest of it if you get the picture.

He drank before and has drank for yrs, but is a functional alcoholic... every 5 yrs or so we have had a crisis. THis one is the worst. One time I remember ws left one night angry at me, and had no money or gas... etc. and had to mow a church yard for money to get home... he is that kind of drunk. he lies a lot. He has made great money at times, and at times made none. he is at times very wonderful and others terrible.

I am sick thinking of it- be glad you are done with a cheating spouse if that is what it is to be with your marriage... let him go. How do you get over it you asked me in another thread I think... well my x was not someone I was head over heels in lvoe with... it was a mistkae and when he left I was sad yet glad. I got to then be with the love of my life... you guessed it, current ws. That helped me get over it, not saying to go find another, becuase look where I am now... Ws pursued me when I was married before and part of that drove away former xh.

I hope you get better, and feel better. One day at a time.

Hugs, H

OK Honey then I think you have to decide if you want to live with all of the ups and downs that he causes you now and has in the past... I mean I cannot imagine living with an alcholic that is a huge commitment in itself but one that lies and cheats and disregards his family is really a tough one.. I would be depressed also - but that is why I think everyone wants you to just walk away from him - don't give up on your marriage but maybe do what he asks and get happy without him.... I mean really what is the worst that can happy - You can have a normal life and you know what you just might not want him after that.. I mean everyone who has had children basically needs to loose weight unless you are that type of person who puts on their own jeans a week after giving birth... The weight issue and the depression is a cop out.. How are your kids dealing with this??? Has this affected them in school or even with friends??? My 12 yr. old is very quiet about it - she doesn't really care how things have turned out - as long as she got to stay in the house, and that I am stable - she basically thinks I have turned into a lunatic... But my 9 yr. old she is different she is angry but she won't tell her Dad because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings - she wants a mom and a dad - she talks to all of her friends about it and comes home daily with a different story about someone else - the other day she told me if she got a step mom she wouldn't call her mom -just step mom.... Well I guess my point is that kids really know what is going on - and they see everything even if we don't think they do - but how long do you think they can deal with this ??? I mean look at the toll it is taking on you --- I mean that was a major reason why I just said ok to my divorce - I still hope in my heart that someday he is gonna wanna come back and if I am available fine - but if I am happy then good for me - I deserve to be... You need to stop taking care of him - someone here told me that... And I believe it is really good advice. Mimi

Honey - hey how are you doing today??? has he had anymore demands??? Have you answered his first demands??? I find myself very angry today - I told my exhusband last night to get every bit of crap out of my house finally and I am going to change the locks... I am just a little sick of this whole situation being twisted around and thrown in my lap like I am the one that has done something wrong... I guess I have finally decided to let go !!! So what are you going to do??? Why don't you have insurance?? I mean I really think if you had medicine - you would be able to deal with him better ??? Don't you think?? I mean I walked around crying for 24 hrs. until I got medicine - now I still cry but it is definately few and far between...

Hi Maw64- I appreciate your following my saga... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway- today we have not talked, yesterday it was on the phone.

I am doing ok, back at work but not feeling too well due to my cold.

No insurance due to being a contractor and very high rates, and my budget cuts due to absent contributing husband. That is where I am the most angry- I really expect a husband to be a provider for me and the kids.

I think he is depressed, I am too.

I am doing ok, if I do lose this weight it will be a great answer to how I feel. I feel low energy and bad because of the weight.

I plan on exercising more lately.

It is not just for him, I want this regardless of him.

I am bored at work, so that is hard on me. I will start to focus this afternoon I hope.

I am sorry about your D. That is terrible. I changed the locks a long time ago! and have slowly given my h his stuff anyway.

I think he enjoys an easier life on his own with no kids. I think he misses having a female partner, but I do think he prefers the romance scene without kids. I hate that. Like he wanted the kids! and our family.

I have to get back to the grind.

Thanks, H

Honey - You are correct you do need insurance - he needs to get a real job and be a real man - I mean even if you get divorced he will probably still be obligated to pay for insurance for your boys at least - My job can be very boring sometimes also - but I have also found that since this has happened to me I have not concentration level at all - I used to read all of the time but I just cannot even sit down and get past page 10 - which is very aggravating... This has really taken a toll on every aspect of my life - some areas I have improved and other areas I have completely changed - some good and some bad - but I know that I am going to survive -- What kind of contract work do you do??/ My husband really didn't pay that much attention to my kids when he was at home but now he sees them on Tuesday and Friday faithfully - but on the other days he doesn't even cross his mind to see how they are doing or how school went - he is so totally missing out on everything and he doesn't see it... He just wants to not have to answer to anyone and come and go as he pleases like he was back in high school and it is sad... But I have hit that anger and it is done stage so I am hoping to get over it soon..... Now why doesn't he see your boys regularly??? I don't get it - does he go from one week to wanting custody to not seeing them at all??? And the weight you must do it for yourself - I have joined Curves to excercise and I am going - but I have been eating like crap because I am just in such a state I guess - but I would love to slim and trim again.... Which I am going to have to be to go out in the dating world someday.....

Hi Honey! I was so angry at what your WH has said to you. You DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. #1 YOU DEFINITELY ARE NOT FAT and I don't know where he gets off telling you that you need to lose weight - I don't think you need to lose weight and I saw his pictures when you posted them and he is not exactly what I would call skinny. #2 FIX THE DEPRESSION????? As my C told me "there are certainly situations in you life that are causing you to be depressed" and he happens to be the cause of those situations. Where does he get off???? #3 IF YOU "FIX" ALL OF THESE THINGS he will find something else. Your WH has self esteem issues and a drinking problem which he is projecting on to you. I know, because I have been living the same nightmare. YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG and not push it. Just be up beat, positive and say what he wants to hear.

Now, if you feel that you WANT to lose weight, that is another story. If so, I would recommend that you check out the ZONE books by Barry Sears. THEY ARE GREAT!!! I have been eating in the ZONE for 2 years now (not counting when I was pregnant) and have more energy, more focus and have lost all of the 50 pounds that I put on as a result of having a baby. The food is fantastic and they have great energy bars that you can buy in Walmart for like $.75 - one and half are a full meal.

Also, total makeovers are a TON of fun and might get him guessing as to what you are up to - remember how it got Spacecase's WW's attention when he wore the Hawaiian shirt and new cologne to their son's birthday party? It doesn't have to be costly either. Many of the clothes that I wear, I buy at Stein Mart, Marshalls, or second-hand stores simply because I refuse to pay full price. Another great store that I think is very stylish, but a little more pricey, is Chico's. If you ever want to go shopping or get together and come up with ideas to start your WH guessing, call me. Maybe Kay would like to join us!

Just my thoughts.

Brit's Brat

Bb- Would love to go shopping, maybe this weekend or soon anyway. I really do need a few pounds off, I think my depression has got me into bad habits, and less exercise. I am not fat by normal standards, but by mine.. I am big- but used to be a 4 -

It is a back injury and loads of pill s and now depression... and stress that has kept it on me. I know abot the zone and need to get on it. I am going to work out tonight and swim- I used to be a swimmer.. without the big shoulders... but lean.

I would like to buy more stuff when the diet kicks in, and I have 40 lbs to go to be my old self. So thanks for the support... I know I am not gross, but for me and ws it is an issue as I used to look great!

Anyway- I know he will just find something else next time to complain about.. the drinking makes him find stuff wrong with me.

Thanks for being here.

hugs, have a good afternnoon. back to compliance!

honey

Honey:

"opinions? typical ws? a-ho-e ws?"

YES!

Your R should be based on much deeper things than those! I do agree with him about being a happy single mom, though! Trouble is, by implication (or by definition), that doesn't necessarily involve HIM in your life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Honey, I haven't posted to you in a long while. I only visit occasionally now because I'm in the divorcing rather than the recovering process.

I still really relate to your story - not just the details, but your feelings. I'm quite a bit older than you, but I spent 20 years with my alcoholic, cheating H. I've only recently come to accept that this has been going on a lot longer than I wanted to believe.

I understand being small and wanting to lose weight - I decided that the only good thing about my H leaving and moving in with the very young, but also very overweight, OW was that I got back to the size 4 I was in my 20's and 30's. I've been going to a gym for women for the past year and really feel great because of it.

I know how it is to feel "fat" when others say you are thin. But, YOU thinking you need to lose weight and exercise is one thing. Your H has absolutely no business telling you that that has ANYTHING to do with your marriage. YOUR WEIGHT IS NOT AN ISSUE except maybe to you. And, HE KNOWS THIS. (I too saw your picture and you're very attractive and slim, IMHO). He's manipulating you by using your own insecurities against you.

I haven't had face-to-face contact with my STBXH for about 5 months now and finally changed my phone #, cell phone #, and e-mail address about a month ago. The only "contact" has been through other people and a couple of unanswered pages last weekend. And, I'm dating a very nice man who happens to be a recovering alcoholic (I met him in Al-Anon over a year ago).

BUT, I'm still grieving my marriage, still can't believe he left me and gave up everthing that once mattered to him for the OW, drugs, and alcohol. I know how he can seem wonderful one minute and hateful the next - and I know that the OW is just as strung out on him as I once was.

In my case, I have the example of how he treated his ex-wife to look at. I used to be the OW, though I didn't see it that way at the time. He told me the same lies he once told his ex and told the OW the same lies he once told me. I even tried to explain this to the OW, just like his ex tried to explain it to me. I know she doesn't believe it any more than I did, especially after he's trashed me to the OW the same way he trashed his ex to me.

My H told me during his sober years that the way to tell when an alcoholic is lying is when his lips are moving. This is absolutely true for him, and I would venture to say, also for your H.

My H once got sober for me. Your H may do the same for you, like Brit'sBrat's H. If this happens, PLEASE, don't stop going to Al-Anon and working on yourself. I made this mistake and I'm now in an ugly divorce after 20 years together.

Keep going to Al-Anon and keep learning to take care of yourself. It's your best hope for a happy future, with or without your H.