Been separated 3 months. My husband "hooked up" with this woman about 1 month into it. The 2 of them and another couple went out together several times. The 4 spent a lot of time together, going to clubs, watching movies at home etc. etc. They saw each other several times a week, but H says that he never spent any time alone with her. She is a masuesse and he went to her office a few times for a massage. He claims they were nothing more than friends. There was never any sexual intentions on either side. (If you noticed my other post "overreacting about OW?", that girl came into the pictue later on)

Anyway, is this an affair? Emotional affair? How do you really define that?

and if it is an affair, please tell me that I CAN get over it. It bugs me, right now, but I do want my marriage to survive and I know I will have to get past it.

I know, at least it was not physical, it was very brief, etc. I know there are lots of you that have experienced worse than this. My heart bleeds for you.

My H defined to himself and justified that an affair was sexual intercourse. I define it as lying or misleading about contact with another woman.

By my H's definition, he did not have an affair (just like Bill Clinton).

My definition of an extramarital affair is "anything or anyone that takes time away from the married couple, and causes pain and grief to one (or both) parties of that couple". Keep in mind, that part of my belief is that any kind of addiction could be considered to be an A.

I would consider your H's relationship with this OW as an Emotional Affair, for sure! The fact that he jumped into dating her (sorry.... double dating with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) within one month of your separation is somewhat irrelevant. My H used to use that as his excuse with me all the time... "We are separated. What I do is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Sorry bud... but you were still MARRIED!!!

Try to keep it straight that yes, your H did have an EA. However.. don't focus on that, if you can. The A is only a symptom of the state of your M prior to that. I would hate to see you and your H keeping from progressing forward in your relationship all b/c of a misunderstanding of the definition of an A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

I agree 100% with Topie's definition of an A.

If your H doesn't beleive he's having an A, then ask him what kind of R he would consider you were having if you found a man and you did the same things with him that he has done with this OW? and if he still denies that this kind of R of his constitutes an A, then just tell him that you'll keep that in mind the next time you find yourself in similar circumstances as his.

Even a blind man can see that his R is a courtship.

An affair occurs when emotional and/or sexual energy goes out side of the marriage. And when the needs/feelings/emotional safety, etc. of the OP are put ahead of those of the spouse.

Any time a married man, separated or not ‘dates’ another women he is having an affair. So it had not gone sexual yet. It’s still an affair.

Not sure I should say this but I would really wonder about him going to her for a massage and nothing happened. May or may not have be all the way. But when a man and a woman who are dating are in a closed room it’s not usual at all.

Your husband is minimizing this. That sends up a red flag.

I'm in the same situation, my husband and i was separated about a month, then he calls and says he wants divorce, its been a year, everyone tells me its not an affair because we split up and he moved on with his life, its been almost a year he is still with her, our divorce will be finalized in november, i don't know if i should keep plan a'ing, or face reality that it is over, or wait another year to see if it ends. what should i do?

oh, and he filed for divorce, This isn't an affair is it?

Yeh, I guess I should face it. The good thing is that when my husband told this person that he and I were going to try to work things out and that he would not be going out with her anymore, she said "That's great. I hope everything works out for you" and she went on her way. Thank God!