Dear TS1
Reading your post brings back memories of some very hard times that I had, just a few months ago. Right after I found out about my H's A, I used to say goodnight to my eldest son (who's 3 and 1/2) and I would have to be really strict with myself. I just wanted to weep whenever I looked at him. I couldn't bear the thought of him growing up without both of us. He loves his Dad completely and I would feel such rage that my H had betrayed not just me, but both my little boys as well. I was very undecided about whether I was doing the right thing by staying. As time began to move on and we talked, talked, talked, I realised that, more than anything, my H betrayed himself. He is trying so hard to make up for what happened - both to me and to the boys. He loves them - purely and simply - and they think that he is all-powerful. We both know that he isn't, but there is no reason for them to know that - ever!
I am sorry that you are feeling so low. I don't know your story, but it has been almost 5 months since D-Day for me, and things are so much better. We do still have some terrible days (and the odd week!), but my H and I are working so hard at making a true, loving home for our boys. I know that it is working for me - I do feel differently about him - I can never just blindly trust him again (trust is still a hurdle that we are climbing), but I am really learning to know the person I married, all over again. And I like him. I will always love him, and soon I hope that we will recapture that bond, that passion, that "love" that we neglected and allowed to change. I can't speak for him, but I know that he does have times when he questions his decision to stay. But we are still here. Our boys are settled, happy and confident - we did that!
Be proud of yourself for trying. Take small steps and go and let your child wrap his arms around your neck! Sorry for rambling, but I wanted you to know that there is so much worth staying for.
Good luck.
Fishwife
