What exactly does separation really mean? My wife(WS) when we have spoken (in plan B) I have heard her say it a few times oh “but we are separated.” I can look the word up in the dictionary but I want to know how it applies to a real life marriage situation.

Does this mean we are divorced?
Does this mean we hate each other?
Does it mean we no longer have anything to do with each other?
Does this mean we are two single adults?
Does this mean either one of us is free to do whatever?
Is this just a generic world for divorce?
Does this mean I no longer have a wife?
Does this just mean we are in a time out?
Does this mean we are over?
Does this mean the vows that haven’t been broken can be by my wife?
Does this mean we no longer love each other?
Does this mean I or we have failed?
Does this mean to quit?
Does it mean give up?

I think about this word when my wife threw it at me awhile back. It keeps popping up in my head from time to time as I am thinking. A WS (my wife) throws this word out there like it is their force field from their BS. Is this just another word that a WS uses to make them feel justified for what they have done and are doing? Is this something that makes my wife feel like oh I am separated so I can take off my ring and go out with my single girl friends to bars and clubs.
To me this word is just an excuse to my wife to make her feel better for what she is currently doing. To me this word doesn’t mean anything because guess what it hasn’t taken away any of the pain…..

"We are separated"

May mean one (or several) of the following:

My vows and I are separated.
My promises and I are separated.
My honesty and I are separated.
My resolve and I are separated.
My dignity and I are separated.
My hope and I are separated.
My desire and I are separated.
My beliefs and I are separated.
My maturity and I are separated.
My pain and I are separated.
My responsibilities and I are separated.
My confusion and I are separated.
My conscious and I are separated.
My consideration and I are separated.
My guilt and I are separated.
My reality and I are separated.

~~~~~~~~~~

Just a thought.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

confusedguy,

Not meaning to step on Pepper's toes here; but, I think that I would exchange pronouns. Where she has "my" I would place "her" and in place of "I" place "she".

Such as.... Her vows and she are separated.

She is the one that has separated herself from the marriage. You have got caught in the fallout.

Again....JMHO

P.S. No disrespect to Pepperband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow- I have heard that same thing time and time again. "We are separated now, ........ (fill in the blank)" I hate it- it really is because they are trying to justify their actions. In their warped minds, the cheating is now okay because they are "separated" from us. In their minds, they are no longer cheating. Isn't that sick?

Hang in there Confused Guy. I am finally starting to detach (over a year has gone by) and realizing that there is life after my H. You will get there.... Just two months ago I thought I would never get over it, I cried daily. Maybe it has become more tolerable because I went back on meds. Are you on meds? They don't take away the pain (wow- I wish some magic drug would) but they do make it more tolerable.

Certain things still trigger my emotions though- probably always will. Just this week I got an e-mail from a band that my H introduced me to. He went with OW to see them last New Year's Eve (they actually flew to see this band). Well, the e-mail was about this coming up New year's Eve- and now the band will be playing in D.C., close to home. Makes me sick. The funny thing is he may not go because it is so close to home that he is afraid I will go. That is what happened the last time the band was in town. Ha Ha..... Coward!!! Anyway, the point is that I had a really bad time after getting that e-mail, but I am okay with it today. And, I didn't really react like I would have a couple of months ago. I got sad, but didn't cry, etc.... I am more in control and I see signs that I am detaching (yeah!)

Stay strong!!!! You will get through this!

AS

Committed .... GET OFF MY TOES !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She's correct, of course ... I was talkin' 'bout your wife saying "my" ...

oh well .... carry on.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Duh Me....

I can see that now....

Carrying On....

committed

Well I went to the experts about this defense when "But we are separated and have established separate legal residences" became the mantra out of my husband.

I went to 5 different divorce attornies.

I explained to them what was going on, and that I wanted to file for divorce with the charge of adultery so get around the 18 month waiting period.

Then I asked if it was still adultery if he was living elswhere.

And each of them rolled their eyes and laughed. It's adultery as long as you're married.

To BR

You are so right, separation does not mean you can go out and have an A. I tried to put this in my numbskull head of a H. This is something I always felt in my heart. As long as you are married, even if separated you do not have the right to cheat it is called ADULTRY.

I was told most adultry cases, were won during separation. This was told to me by a Lawyer. He said WS seems to get this notion, since they left the home, they are no longer obligated to the marriage. He said that does not fly. You are still obligated to pay bills and support and whatever (except sex) if you are trying to get a divorce.

Separation means to me... Reconizing there is a problem, [b] be willing to assess the problem meaning taking your own inventory. No pointing fingers, only look at your part in the break down. [b]Be willing to make the necessary changes in yourself to become a better person.Look at [/b] what you allow to take place Not adding to the problem by involving OM or OW [/b]
This is what separation means to me, time out to make assessment.

When your W said "oh but we are separated", are you sure she was talking about you and her being separated? I mean really this is fog talk here so maybe her head was turned around, her ears were on the ground, her heart and brain were totally detached and she was talking about herself??!?!

Far fetched???? In reality yes, in the fog??!?!?! I dunno! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

As much as I would normally rant on and on on this subject... I will only say to you that I too, experienced that excuse from my H.

We are separated! Anything I do is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Like I haven't heard THAT a zillion times!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm in Canada, and the Ontario laws state that in order to file for a D, you must reside apart from each other for at least 12 months, without any plans to reconcile. It takes a minimum of 90 days of being separated before you can apply to be, 'separated'. And even then, the ONLY way to do that, is by changing your home address with the government (taxes, health, drivers licence, etc). Oh... I did that alright. But H REFUSED to change his addy!!! That kissed me off so much!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> After all, HE was the one who claimed that he wanted out of this M... yet he didn't have the balls to do anything LEGAL about it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And of course, the only thing I could do was to "return to sender" his mail, since he was the only one who could change his address.

I better stop now. H and I are supposed to have a nice evening together... and that won't be the case if I keep on ranting in here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

<small>[ September 27, 2002, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>

In Pennsylvania there is no formal status of "legal separation", but when one spouse moves out that starts the clock on a two-year waiting period for a contested no-fault divorce. Legally they are married, but living separate and apart during this time. Child and spousal support may be ordered during this time, and a custody order may also be entered.

In Pennsylvania, adultery may be considered in awarding alimony, but only if it occured before the date of separation.

Not being a lawyer, to me it seems like PA really does have separation, but not in name. More than a little confusing. It pays to check the details for your own state, province, or country.

But this is only the legal aspect of what you may or may not do while separated. It makes no difference to my church; we are still married. Most people with any sense would not date a separated person. Most people with any sense would not date until they are divorced, if not longer.

Well, again, I'm on the other side of the fence (as a FWS) but, allow me to explain how the phrase "but we are separated" has been used by my BS. He has said it to me to justify telling me nothing about his whereabouts, who he spends his time with, and what he does. He feels I have no right to ask him for this information. He also has said that he feels he has a right to go out and date other people while we are separated.

I ended my "affair" (really two ONS) pronto after D-day, and have wanted nothing but to try and recover our marriage. My H is not interested in this though at this point. We are living apart, and he wanted us to try at least 3 months apart to see if we can make it without each other, and then we will talk after 3 months and see where we, our hearts, and our heads are at.
I would be willing to try at this marriage again at any time if he would change his mind. He knows that. So I am left waiting.

We are still married, but separated. I still wear my wedding rings. My H took his off. I am not dating or socializing with men (unless they are along for the ride with their wife or girlfriend), he said he intends to go out dating, and spends his time socializing primarily with 2 female friends. I told my H that I would be hurt if he started dating. He seems to feel he is entitled to this after my infidelity.

I think separation should mean that you are taking time to live apart (even if that's just in different rooms in the same house) to reconsider things, learn about who you are, how we got here, perhaps the causes of the affair that led to the separation, and figure out what needs to be changed in your marriage to improve it.

As a FWS, I feel like I am in no condition to dictate what our separation is or will be like. My H holds all the cards and power and gets to dictate to me. (At this point this means ZERO contact and separate residences, not to mention financial separation at the end of Sept.) I guess I am the dream WS. Too bad my H isn't more of a typical BS.

TOPIE25: You have me scared. Very scared. Now I am worried that my H never wanted to spend 3 months apart just to think about things and see what it's like to be on his own. Maybe he is trying to do the 90 days in separate residences thing you mention. I live in Alberta. I guess I'd better talk to a lawyer. We have written up and signed a separation agreement (home-made kind by the "Self-Counsel Press"). My H doesn't want to involve lawyers because they cost so much - I looked into it and it would cost us about $4000.00 minimum for an amicable divorce if we let lawyers do it all. Now I am afraid he has been talking to a lawyer and is setting me up perhaps. I hope not. Do you know anything about Alberta divorce law? I went for one free 30 minute consulatation with a lawyer, but they said nothing about this 90 day thing. I was only told that as long as we're not living on the same floor in the same home, we are legally separated in Alberta. When I told my H I was going to see a lawyer he told me he hadn't seen one and didn't intend to. I hope he was telling the truth....

Topie -- please write back! I am on the edge of my seat here!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Jen

<small>[ September 28, 2002, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

My WH told me the same thing: "We are separated, I can do what I like...I decided the M was over (while I was overseas visiting family)so it's not an A I'm having."

Well that A has crashed and burned, but now it's on OW#2. WH won't file, we have been separated 2 years and he could get a quick D now. He says: "but we have been separated for 2 years..." So he thinks it's not an A anymore, it's sooo long we can't get back together anymore. Ok maybe I could understand it better if there had been no attemps to reconcile or no time spent together on those 2 years. We were talking about buying a house together in May-June. And suddenly OW2 enters the picture.

OW2 has been separated for 4 years... They met on a dinner date for singles!!! They should ban married and separated people from those. Makes me mad.

I personally think getting involved with separated people leads to major problems.
And the payback time comes later. Both me and WH's 2nd wife met him while he was separated. So he literally married two of his OW's!! Does WH sleep his nights peacefully ...?
No. Has he learned anything from his past mistakes? No. As far as I know this is his first time being an OM. OW's H wants her back. My H told me this time he wants to start this R being honest.
Talk about fog. 7 kids(2 of them OW's) are being mucked around this so called honest bliss. WH hardly sees our little ones now. I guess having them around OW and H would burst their bubble, too much reality. So who pays the highest price? Our boys lost their dad. WH has even offered me to go back home (From Down under to Scandinavia!!) with our kids. So we wouldn't be any problem for him/them anymore!! I think I have one of the most fogged WS ever seen.

The separation can sure be an opportunity. This wasn't my choice but I have to make the most of it, and it has turned out good, I 'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. It's a horrible way to grow as a person. But most of us are facing obstacles in our lives anyway. Just have to make the obstacles into stepping stones!
There's always hope, even in my situation I see it.

CG, I understand separations and OMs haven't been a pattern in your WW's life, so you have plenty of hope! Most of the WSs snap out of the fog sooner or later.

Take care.