I am a marriage coach. And I am passionate about what I do. I will use every bit of the energy and talents I've been blessed with to help my clients save their marriages.

I read your stories and my heart aches for each and every one of you. But more than that, I hurt for your children. Because I have been where you are, and I didn't do the things I could have to save my own marriage. Daily, I see the damage caused by my misguided beliefs that leaving an unsatisfactory marriage would be better for everyone involved. I was wrong.

I was the WS in my first marriage. I had an affair with my husband's best friend, the man who stood as witness to our marriage before god, family, and friends. And worse than that, I didn't just fall into an affair as so often happens, I decided to have one.

We married very young; I was barely 19, and pregnant. We went on to have 6 children and to start what became a successful business. What we didn't do, was take care of our marriage.

My husband was and still is a workaholic. He regularly spent about 90 hours a week at our business or at another part time job. In the early years I complained about his absence, my loneliness and frustration with all of the home and family responsibilities. To no avail. As the years went on, I compensated by becoming involved in community activites, enjoying time with my friends, taking care of our children and home, and by being an active partner in the growth of our business.

It hurt that my children didn't have a father who was there for them. He didn't take the time to go fishing, play ball, or just be with the kids…. 5 of whom are boys. But still, my children lived in a secure home where they had 2 parents who loved them. Two parents who took pride in their accomplishments, were concerned about their school performance, and who loved them as only a parent can.

My daughter was on the fast track to a college degree. In the state where we lived, she was able to take college courses for credit during her junior and senior years. We saved regularly for the kids' future educational needs.

We lived quietly in one of the better neighborhoods of a small Midwestern town. We bought an older house, but one with a lot of history attached to it. We loved it. In fact, we had lusted after it for years when we were struggling with starting our business and with being able to buy bread and milk. Success was sweet.

As business owners, we enjoyed some benefits of involvement in a small town's economic health. Oh….. we didn't do the country club thing…. but if we needed a loan for business or personal reasons, a phone call to the VP at the bank and it was pretty much a done deal. We were well known and well thought of in the community.

Life was not perfect. But it was good. My children had a stable home and a chance to make the best of their futures. I had a home I loved, a business that afforded me personal satisfaction, and a husband who loved me deeply.

And then I threw it away. My affair lasted nominally 4 months. Six weeks really before it started to fall apart. And when it was over, all I could think of was that I didn't want to be married.

Somehow in the fog I thought I could keep all the goodies of being married and just lose the husband. It doesn't work that way. I was locked out of our business. My credit rating was trashed. I went from a very comfortable income to trying to support 6 kids on a little more than $1000. a month. And worst of all, my kids suffered.

Until you see the horror and the pain on their faces when they hear that mom and dad won't be together any more, you have no idea. It's been nearly 6 years, and that scene is carved indelibly into my memory. And it doesn't get better.

During the time we were separated, before the divorce, I began a relationship with the man who is now my husband. Yes, I know, that makes it affair number 2 for me. I didn't know about MB at the time, and I didn't see it that way then. I do now. If I had, I wouldn't have done it, but it doesn't change the fact of what is.

I moved my children 200 miles away from their home, their friends, and their father, to live with my new boyfriend. It was horrific. He was not suited to being a committed partner or a parent.

I was so arrogant and so blind that I thought loving someone would make it all ok. It doesn't. Those of you who have children and think that someone else can be a parent to them, you are wrong. No one can take the place of the mother or father of your children.

No one else will look at them with the same pride and joy when they bring home that first paper on their first day of Kindergarten or when they walk up the aisle in a cap and gown after battling through years of homework. No one else will understand the need to be there for them in the night when they wake from a bad dream. Very few will look at you and your child with love when he climbs onto your lap, face and hands covered with peanut butter and jelly. No other man or woman will have the biological drive to see that your children succeed in life. Not all biological parents do those things either. I understand that. But it's virtually guaranteed that a step parent will not.

Let me tell you where my children are today. My daughter who is now 21 works in a low paying job. Her brilliant educational career was halted by the fact that the money for her education dried up in the divorce. She has been through 2 long term relationships that have ended miserably. And she has 2 incurable STD's.

My son who is 19 barely finished HS, spent a year doing drugs and as accessory to dealing. He works nights in a low paying job, and has no plans or desire to go to school. His outlook on life is that it is painful and that nothing good will ever come to him. My son who is 17 struggles with school and relationships. He has anger issues, and is distrustful of people and situations.

My 11yo is extremely gifted academically and in sports. He had no dad there to watch him last spring when he received the highest academic award given in the US. And there is no man in his life cheering him on or discussing sports plays with him. No man to help him perfect his catching, passing, batting technique. My 9yo is the sweetest kid I know. He is a very talented student and one of the most sensitive children. He always looks sad. He misses his dad.

My youngest is 7. He was a contented happy go lucky baby. But all of this began when he was less than 2. His life has been constant disruption and loss. Today he is beset with anger issues, enormous amounts of fear and insecurity, and problems in school relating to other kids.

Would they have had these problems anyway, if our marriage had stayed together? It's possible. But the reports and the statistics all show that kids of divorced parents are disadvantaged throughout the rest of their lives. They suffer academically and socially. Their future relationships are less satisfying and more likely to end than those of children raised in homes with both biological parents.

I have the studies and the statistics, if you're interested. Would they have changed my mind when I was hell bent on ending my marriage? No. And I doubt they will change yours. Which is why I wrote this. My hope is that by sharing some of my pain and heartbreak, maybe …. just maybe…. you'll decide to go back to work on your marriage with renewed energy.

Call Steve or Jenn, call a coach, get help. No matter how bad it seems, or how long it's been since you felt those feelings of love for your spouse, there is hope. MB works, if you get educated and follow the steps.

Last night I woke up next to my husband. A man who loves me very much. A man who has worked his heart out to be the husband I need. And all I could think is, "I want to go home. I want my life back." I don't love my ex-husband. I don't even like him. I haven't for many years. Reconciliation is not an option. But had I known 6 years ago, what I know today, had I been able to see into the future to the pain I would cause across the lives of so many who are dear to me, well, I would have done things differently.

You still can. Don't give up. Get help from someone who know what they're doing. Believe me the cost is far less than the money you will spend on a divorce attorney. And the emotional savings cannot possibly be calculated.

Blessings to you….

WOW
I read your post, I've seen the statistics you are right.

I've seen how this has destroyed a family member of mine children. He and his ex wife are in denial.

They think there new lives, is rich at the expense of there children, who had a promising life until there parents divorced.

My H and I have no children so I quess this doesn't apply to me, it seems if you don't have children there is not to much focus on childless marriages.

My H has 2 children one before me, the other while we were married due to an affair.

This has been very hard for me. It seems I suffered for four people, the devastation was so great. Something I never felt before.

I'm so sorry you had to endure all of this before you seen the light. I pray that your ex forgives you and your children also.

Your story reached out and touched me. I hope it does every. Most people here seems to want to save there marriages inspite of there difficulties. I pray they are successful.

Thanks for your insights and your kind words.

JoA

I have come to this board, trying to sort out my feelings, etc. I have a post on here. This post is the best thing I have ever read on here. You are good woman with a good heart. Thanks for sharing

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>I have come to this board, trying to sort out my feelings, etc. I have a post on here. This post is the best thing I have ever read on here. You are good woman with a good heart. Thanks for sharing</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I second that.

Joan
Please see my reply under "emotions"

Thank you so much,

As a child of divorced parents and now a mother of two boys, I want to thank you for sharing this.

My brother was 11 when my parents D, and suffered some kind of breakdown at 13, a troubled teenage period followed, then a complete psychotic break when he was 19, spiralling into incurable paranoid schizophrenia. He died last year of liver failure brought on by 23 years of psychiatric drugs.
My parents both feel that had they stayed together, even if he had become ill, his illness would probably have taken a different course, and there would have been the hope that they could have helped him handle it - without a 2 parent home and the stress of losing respect for his father, he had little chance.

The toll taken by D is never forseen by the parents - sometimes it is paid years down the road by the children. I am trying to avoid this for my own boys. That's why I am here and thank God for this forum, which has helped me a lot.

God bless you,
LIR

TMCM and Cautious..... thanks. Kind words always welcome. Oh.... I take the challenging ones too, but the kind ones are the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LadyinRed....
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. What a tragic story. I can't imagine the guilt and the pain your parents must be living with.

You are so right that the toll is never forseen. We get so caught up in the emotion of the moment that we lose sight of what needs to be done.

Which brings up something I wanted to say. MB flies in the face of doing what we FEEL like doing. MB philosophy is about setting aside our instincts and acting from a place of logic and behavior.

Plan B is a great example of that. NO ONE feels like going to Plan B. Either you still have feelings for your spouse and you want to continue contact, or your feelings have turned to nothing or to hatred, and all you want is out.

Plan B is brilliant. It works. But you must be able to make decisions that go counter to your insincts. It is one of the hardest things to convince someone to do.

JoA

Whilst I appreciate your story and what you are saying, I fundamentally disagree about step-parents. I have 2 SDs, one of whom turned 18 this month. They call me their third parent, I have loved and cared for them with my H since they were 6 and 2 - I am part of their life as they are mine. If my H and I don't make it, my SDs and I will still have a relationship together.

I take them out and when their F was away in Germany for 2 years, I saw more of them by myself then I ever have before. They still came to our home, stayed overnight and had a good firm relationship with me.

I am not disputing your belief that children are (if at all possible) best kept together in the original family unit, but there are situations where things can work out - like my own situation. If you wonder how I can feel about them, read my thread about how proud I was of ESD when she came round on her 18th - it was me making the toast for her. Ask both their Mum and Dad how the girls feel about me, and my involvement in their lives and they will both tell you that I am their third parent who they admire and love and has positively influenced them over the years.

Sorry this is off the track a bit, but not all situations are exactly alike and I wanted people to know that as a step-parent I am proud of my girls, proud and happy to be in their lives and to have them in mine and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Lisa