I am very nieve 20 year old female. I have been living with my fiance for about one year now, and have been engaged for about the same time. Just about six months ago I had discovered that he was surfing the web for porn. I was very hurt by this, and very confused! Since that day we have had fights, talks, and what seems to be promises that keep getting broken. Since that day, I have had not trust! I feel like a spy, I am constantly checking up on him, and for what? Only to be hurt when I find what I looking for. he has tried to hide it, but somehow I just always seem to find out about it! There is something about internet porn that makes me feel so terribly hurt. I do not understand why he has this obsession or addiction to it. I am a very beautiful girl, hell I could be a porn star if I wanted to, we are very crazy in bed, but it does not seem to keep him away from this stupid crap. I don't know what to do, I feel that I do not want to live with someone like that for the rest of my life, but I have so much love for him I really do not know what to do! This is really tearing me apart inside, I am an emotional wreck b/c of this! He says that all guys do it, and that he does it b/c he is bored. This I don't think is true, and he also says that is does not even turn him on! Now I am no doctor, but isn't that a little impossible? Ahhhhh, What should I do?

Hi Adrienne,

I totally feel your pain! I am only 25 myself. My husband and I met in college, have been together 6 years, living together for 3, married a year and a half, and have a 1 year old daughter.

We have those kinds of problems (porn mags, internet porn, strip clubs, etc.) since the beginning of our relationship. I feel that any man who is married or engaged shouldn't do those things. If he loves you and is making a commitment to you, then why does he need to see other nasty naked women? You are the only person he should do anything sexual with......and that includes those things. It's all sex outside of marriage. I'm not saying that watching movies (or whatever) TOGETHER is wrong, some people do that. But, I think it's wrong to be done behind your back and against our wishes. When we fight about it my husband says, "It's no big deal", "ALL guys do it", "Most other women don't care", "It doesn't even turn me on", "It's not fair of you to tell me what I can or cannot do", "You can trust me", etc.

My husband and I fought for 6 months about whether or not he was going to go to a strip club for his bach party. I felt strongly against it and we had extremely huge fights where I cried and begged him to just respect my feelings and not go to a strip club. Finally, after months of fighting he just gave up and said he'd just go to a regular bar. The next day and every day after when I asked him if they REALLY only went to a regular bar, he said of course and, "I'd never lie to you". Well, 7 months after our wedding he confessed that they did go to a strip club. I was so hurt and it diminished my trust for him. He and I have had A LOT of situations like that where he wants to do something, I don't feel comfortable with it, he does it anyway, he lies and hides it from me, I find out, we fight and get nowhere.

He recently bought a penthouse mag and I found the receipt weeks later. When I asked him about it he denied it. After much prodding he confessed and said it was no big deal. He didn't tell me because, "I wouldn't have let him buy it." I can't seem to make him understand that we are togeher and all of his words and actions have an effect on me. So, if there is something he knows is going to hurt me, why does he do it anyway? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Then when he lies about it, it only makes me not trust him and hurts me more.

The conclusion of our story is: 4 months ago he went out with one of his friends for some beers and wings (let me point out that all of his guy friends are single and they go out to bars to "hook-up" which is why I don't like my husband going out with them without me). Anyway, I was visiting my parents for the weekend with our daughter so I was taking a big leap by trusting him to go out with out me and not even have to come home with me. While at the bar his friend was telling him about all of his recent hook-ups and my husband was feeling "limited". There just so happened to be a girl at the bar who was interested in him. To make a long story short, they ended up going to a secluded parking lot together and having sex in OUR car! He obviously didn't tell me about it right away, even after I got this weird infection and questioned him. He ended up telling me last week because he did not use a condom and thinks he may have contracted an STD from the nasty whore. So, now not only do I have to contend with the fact that he majorly cheated on me and lied to me, but he put my health in danger! We could have aids!!!

He emailed me the news a week ago and to say the least I was shocked and crushed. We still fight about all of the other crap, because I never trusted him before this due to his lying and constantly ignoring my feelings. He claims that his lies (before this sex incident) were just little lies and were no reason for me not to trust him, but as you know, any lie is a reason for dis-trust no matter how big or small.

I'm not saying that your fiance will end up doing that to you. I just want to illustrate what can go wrong if you don't nip this in the bud NOW. Believe me, you are going to have a very difficult time convincing him that what he's doing is wrong and hurtful (and not every guy does it). I am still struggling with that. We fight about it daily and just go in circles. If you need to go to counseling. If you don't fix now, both of you are going to continue having negative feelings about it and they will turn to resentment, then one of you will end up doing something to hurt the other. Don't let it get that far. If you can't talk to him and make him understand, then seek help....go to a counselor. Don't give up on him, but don't sacrifice your happiness either and settle on dealing with this for the rest of your life. We are going to begin counseling next week. God, I hope it works.

Good luck,
Jess

Adrianne,
I did vote in your poll although the answers to your questions are not quite a simple as you put them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Poll: One side of me is in love, the other wants to leave!!!
Question 1 of 5
Choose 1
stay

leave
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to see if you feel the the relationship is worth saving to you. If you love this man and are willing to work on improving the relationship then you should stay, but I would definitely not marry him right away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Question 2 of 5: What should I do?
Choose 1
confront him

keep it bottled up
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With this question the same holds true, you can confront the issues you have with him without attacking him. You should read "His Needs/Her Needs" and maybe see if his visits to porn sites could be avoided by fulfilling his EN's

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Question 3 of 5: Do all men really look a porn?
Choose 1
yes

no
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think some do and some don't. I think some men are addicited to it though and for some it is just a casual thing. For me if my H were into it casually(he's not) I don't think it would bother me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Question 4 of 5: Can this addiction be stoppped?
Choose 1
yes

no
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, with time, work and patience any addiction can be stopped.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Question 5 of 5: Why am I so hurt by this, I mean it's not like he is going to strip clubs!!!???
Choose 1
crazy

because it is mean
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not crazy, and he might not be trying to be mean to you intentionally. But he is not respecting your feelings

Adrianne,
Hi I know all about the porn issue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It can destroy a marrige if not taken care of right away, not to mention the person who is having to deal with it. My H was and still is looking at porn on the net. It tears me apart. But when i ask him why are u doing this and trying to hide this from me he says what are u talking about, i a'm not doing that. He won't even confess that he is, knowing i know he does. I really don't know what to tell u as i a'm a newbie here myself. But i will tell u just keep coming back here and post as much as u feel u need to as there are old timers here that can give great ADVICE!!!!!! Take care Cathy

Adrianne,

Let me offer a little intropective from the male's side. I have participated in this kind of activity on and off throughout our marriage. I have never intentionaly meant any harm to my wife or our marriage. I would also say that the fact that I looked at it never meant that I didn't love and care for my wife. I also never really knew how very hurtful this is to a woman. I think that it can be even more hurtful to a woman that has any insecurities at all. Not that, that is any excuse for a man to look at it.

Since I have learned how hurtful it is to my wife, or just about any woman, I would not participate in this any more. I know that for the most part, guys just think of this as a "guy thing". I've also had quite a few women express the same thought. I think that society lets us think this. That in no way should diminish your feelings toward his activities.

Have you sat down and told him in no uncertain terms, exactly the feelings and thoughts that you have expressed here? Put it into writing also. Gives you a chance to express your true feelings without him feeling the need to become defensive. I also think that the written word sometimes carries more weight than the spoken word. Another thing that I have to tell you about most guys is, is that we're slower to learn about all of this relationship stuff. Does he realize that you cannot, and will not consider spending the rest of your life living with this type of behavior?

I read a line from Dr. Phil recently that expressed the feeling that looking at porn is cheating on your significant other. I never looked at it in this light, and now that I do, it won't happen any more. It is something that I will have to resist the temptation of though.

I've often talked with friends about a thought, or theory that I have along this particular line. If a man had his choice of any woman in the world, and she met every one of his fantasies and emotional needs, he could be walking down the street with this woman on his arm and if an attractive woman walked by, he would be tempted to look. I really think that in some ways it is part of that animal instinct inside of us all.

Women display some of the same habits when I make that analogy of animal instincts. Making themselves attractive to attract the best looking and strongest in order to maintain the survival of the species.

I am not giving this analogy to justify these actions, just a little insight of my own into them.

Good Luck and God Bless