I haven't posted in a while...too busy licking my wounds and trying to pick up my self-esteem from the floor. When I think back to what I did over the last 8 months, I can't believe it was me. Things are completely over. While I still haven't told my husband, there is no doubt that I am out of the fog - OM will never ever tempt me again. The last few weeks have shown me how shallow he is, how much I allowed him to use me, and how little he really cared. I fell for all his words, when in reality they didn't mean a thing.

Things with my husband are so much better now - I didn't realize what a burden it was to try to maintain normalcy in a M, when having an A is far from normal. (I still carry the burden of the secret I haven't yet shared...I will do so - but not until OM leaves my school, which I hope will be sooner, rather than later.) My focus is back where it should be and I am no longer obsessed (because I can see now that I was) with the OM.

So my question is: How do I keep from feeling so angry at OM and at myself. How can I move past this bad thing that I did, without feeling like such a bad person. The one other person who knows about my A said that I should consider it a learning experience, that I shouldn't beat myself up about it. She said it happened, I'm human, etc... But I still can't help but feel stupid, angry, and embarrassed. OM won't talk to me now (which is fine, but uncomfortable in a working situation), but I want him to know that he DOESN'T know about me and my marriage like he thinks he does. Although I never, ever bad-mouthed my H to him, I'm sure he assumes (as I do about his) that my M is bad and that is why I had the A. That isn't the case at all - my H is wonderful and maybe wasn't meeting all my EN at the time. It is hard to explain - I just don't want OM to think he knows something...does all this rambling even make sense?

Anyway, i want to thank so many of you for listening and responding over the last few months. It has helped more than you know...

As the wife of somebody who kept their affair a secret/lie for 6 years, I ask you: when will you tell your H the truth? I am very glad that the affair is over and that you are no longer with this man. However, if you work with him, and don't tell your H...he is going to feel doubly betrayed. For me the worst part was the years of lies I lived with.

You are doing the right thing. But what if it's years before this man is out of the picture? Is that fair to your H?

But I still can't help but feel stupid, angry, and embarrassed. OM won't talk to me now (which is fine, but uncomfortable in a working situation)

Coming from someone who is constantly beating himself up for things he didn't do and should have done/shown, it really doesn't help because it makes you feel like you have to try more than you can and makes you want to give in and up sooner.I feel angry stupid disgusted and repulsed at things i have done but if you are able work on what you CAN do and NOT what you have done it will show in the efforts that you are trying and can make it.
i am still dealing with the give it time so WW can see how OP really is and not all that she thought and keeping the hope that she will realize that i am still here learning dicovering and building me for an us if possible.

as for OM thinking he knows more about you and your M what does it matter as long as "you" don't let him lead you back into the same situation. If you see whre you went wrong and are trying to make a better M with H then make it and don't let OM get to you because it will tear apart anything you try to accomplish to make you M better. Just be happy in knowing and feeling that you are doing what you feel is right in your heart and for the M.
and remember comunicate with H on every level, no secrets no false judgements.

As a former WS I can understand some of what you are feeling. My A was short and I've ended it (not hard to do as OM lives in another state). It's been 3 weeks since we've had any contact and I find myself going through some of the emotions that you are - the "how could I have been so stupid". I also feel used, but I was reminded here by others that we used each other. I think I was easily manipulated due to lots of EN's missing in my M. H and I are working on those now. I still haven't told my H and cannot bear to, so I have no advice on that. As far as what OM knows/not knows about you it doesn't matter. The A was based on an illusion - not really what either of you are really like. If OM won't talk to you that's probably good, then there won't be the temptation to go back to him for anything. You've got to end contact with him entirely because it's so hard otherwise. Don't beat yourself up about it - the A is not all your fault. Something must have been missing in your M to have this happen. Stay strong. Prayer helps.

Neverthought and Krissee, please tell your H the truth.

Esp you, Neverthought. Yes, it is a completely terrifying prospect but your M cannot heal without truth now that trust has been violated.

NT, I thought I was trapped in my A because every time I would try to end it (right from the start), OM would convince me "it wasn't really an A" or just put more pressure on. He would agree to "break up" and then make stronger sexual advances. I finally realized after months that the only way to be rid of him for good was to confess.

I shook like a leaf and was prepared for H to throw me out in the cold on the street and tell me to hit the road. He was angry, of course but he was relieved. He actually thanked me for finally telling the truth. Don't assume you have fooled your H completely. You may have but you likely have not.

The key will be to demonstrate your true remorse. You may have to make some very hard decisions like finding somewhere else to work or live in order to break ALL contact with OM. It doesn't matter that he isn't speaking. He is a constant reminder and your healing will be hindered by his daily presence.

I hope this is not coming across as harsh because it is not intended to be at all. I have been right where you are. As someone who was fortunate enough to get life back together, I just can't stress the urgency to make things right enough.

Living with the lie will make you sick--mentally and physically. Gather your wits and your courage, confess and we will be praying for the recovery of your M.

Neverthought,

I'm willing to bet the reason you can't get rid of those feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt is because you still know you have a hard road ahead of you when you tell your H. These feelings, in my opinion, are pestering you to go ahead and tell your H. You are already putting yourself through what will certainly be more of the same once you've told your H. But you did make many wrong decisions, and you do have to face the consequences.

You are already punishing yourself for what you've done. Let your husband "help". It sounds weird, but allowing him to have full disclosure of what you went through with OM will help him deal with his anger by addressing those issues out in the open with you. He'll ask many questions, and he'll go up and down emotionally. But as soon as those first words are out, your guilt and shame and embarrassment will be on the table in plain view. And THAT's when the true healing can hopefully begin.

If he's as wonderful as you say he is, please tell him and allow him to help you through this process of remorse and repair. You owe it to him and to yourself.

Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM won't talk to me now (which is fine, but uncomfortable in a working situation), but I want him to know that he DOESN'T know about me and my marriage like he thinks he does. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't matter WHAT the other man thinks about your marriage. YOUR business is not HIS business.

Do not spend your time concerning yourself with what he is thinking.

He knows it is over. You have ended the affair. That is all that matters. Your focus should only be on yourself and your family. NOT what he thinks!

You must tell your spouse if you want to get rid of the feelings of shame, guilt, etc. I was SO afraid to tell him - fear of hurting him, fear of losing him. I told him over the phone and I won't be seeing him tonight. He said he'll come home tomorrow and we'll go for coffee to discuss things. I know no matter what that I did the right thing by telling him. My eyes are sore and red from crying but that's nothing compared to the pain I have caused him. Tell you H and soon if possible.

((Krissee)): Good for you! Hope things go well.

Neverthought, J-bird is right on. Believe in your H and in yourself. Things can heal, even though there is a lot of pain to wade through just now.

Hang in there and keep posting.

I am truly happy for those of you who ended your A's before your marriage ended, or before separation. Why , I wonder, didn't I? My now ExH confronted me AFTER we were separated, and now--almost two years later, we're divorced. I can't stand what I did, and I don't think you ever get over the guilt and shame, really. A friend of mine who had an A 10 years ago, and married the OM--still feels guilt , she told me. She's still married to the OM, and she still carries loads of guilt. Sounds awful, to me.

I'm proud of you for ending the A, and maybe as others here said, your H won't react as you are afraid he will. Oh BTW, my Xbf (OM) also said that it 'wasn't an affair'. Is that some sort of common line? I was fogged in enough to believe it, especially after marital separation.

I"ll be praying for you.

Take care,
H_P

NT,

I am just back from travel and don't have much time. I have been wondering where you were and what you were up to. I will post to you later. You have some very good people giving you advice on this thread. Listen to them.

I'll be back (said in my best Arnold accent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

God Bless,

JL

and then?...

How do I keep from feeling so angry at OM and at myself. How can I move past this bad thing that I did, without feeling like such a bad person.
You could lean on your husband. After all, isn't that one of the reasons you got married?

I know this may be the MB equivalent of blasphemy, but, here goes...

Telling about an A that is over will, indeed, purge the WS of their shame, guilt, etc. But it also will heap a load of pain and doubt on the BS. And that is pain and doubt they will live with forever. So, I don't think we should enter into that without some consideration.

Think about it. An A is, in part, the product of the WS putting his/her feelings first, before those of their S, or the betterment of the M. So, this fessing-up, seems to me to be the WS doing that once again--shedding their own (deserved) guilt at the expense of the BS. In the end, is the BS or the M better off? I'm not so sure.

I don't think this is absolutely true for everyone, but I think in some cases, the BS is better off not knowing--IF THE WS HAS TRULY TURNED THINGS AROUND.

I admire the courage shown by those of you who've admitted to an A, and the work you've done to heal your marriages afterward. I really do.

And I'm not flame-bating here (though I can feel it coming). I think honesty and even radical honesty are good things in a M. But, if you've learned your lesson, are doing the work, does it do your BS any good to know about your mistakes?

So, I don't think we should enter into that without some consideration.
Very true. And MB does not promote it any other way.

If the BS does not know about it, I highly suggest you get some professional help before you tell your spouse & also to help you tell your spouse.

But, if you've learned your lesson, are doing the work, does it do your BS any good to know about your mistakes?
It helps the BS to KNOW that they weren't insane during the time of the affair. Some of the things some people went through as a bs during this time made them think they were going crazy (literally).

I feel compelled to comment about this. Yes, it is absolutely important to tell the BS about the A. Once I understood my EN's were not being met and I started working on the marriage there was a nagging burden on me that I hadn't told my H about the A. I know that we could not heal our marriage without this confession. Absolutely essential to tell. I will now live with the consequences of all my decisions. Keeping the truth from the BS o "protect" him/her is a very selfish inconsiderate way to act. I agree that pain is shared through M. And above all love will conquer and heals all.

YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO KNOW SO *HE* CAN MAKE THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO STAY AND REPAIR THIS MARRIAGE - THIS PROMISE TO EACH OTHER TO BE MATES FOR LIFE!!!!!! Or, so he can consciously decide not to stay.

Simply put, by not telling the BS, you have denied him or her of that fundamental right.
It is that simple.

It makes me so angry to hear people justifying the non-disclosure of an affair because the WS "knows what needs to change". Just doesn't make sense... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />