I haven't posted in a while...too busy licking my wounds and trying to pick up my self-esteem from the floor. When I think back to what I did over the last 8 months, I can't believe it was me. Things are completely over. While I still haven't told my husband, there is no doubt that I am out of the fog - OM will never ever tempt me again. The last few weeks have shown me how shallow he is, how much I allowed him to use me, and how little he really cared. I fell for all his words, when in reality they didn't mean a thing.

Things with my husband are so much better now - I didn't realize what a burden it was to try to maintain normalcy in a M, when having an A is far from normal. (I still carry the burden of the secret I haven't yet shared...I will do so - but not until OM leaves my school, which I hope will be sooner, rather than later.) My focus is back where it should be and I am no longer obsessed (because I can see now that I was) with the OM.

So my question is: How do I keep from feeling so angry at OM and at myself. How can I move past this bad thing that I did, without feeling like such a bad person. The one other person who knows about my A said that I should consider it a learning experience, that I shouldn't beat myself up about it. She said it happened, I'm human, etc... But I still can't help but feel stupid, angry, and embarrassed. OM won't talk to me now (which is fine, but uncomfortable in a working situation), but I want him to know that he DOESN'T know about me and my marriage like he thinks he does. Although I never, ever bad-mouthed my H to him, I'm sure he assumes (as I do about his) that my M is bad and that is why I had the A. That isn't the case at all - my H is wonderful and maybe wasn't meeting all my EN at the time. It is hard to explain - I just don't want OM to think he knows something...does all this rambling even make sense?

Anyway, i want to thank so many of you for listening and responding over the last few months. It has helped more than you know...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't want OM to think he knows something...does all this rambling even make sense?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forget it, it's not only a waste of time but possibly a dangerous subconcious desire on your part to continue contact with OM. If you are really over OM, then what he beleives or not beleives is irrelevant. He is poison to you, your M and your family. No contact, or contact only limited to work related issues, is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I finally found someone who has somewhat the same problem. I had a short A with someone I met this past winter. It is over (easy to do as OM lives in another state), and I'm doing o.k. emotionally. We have had no contact for 3 weeks. However, now I'm having trouble too dealing with how to tell/or not tell H. Most have indicated the policy of radical honesty which means I need to tell him if I ever expect to heal these wounds. I too felt used, but was reminded by others here that we used each other. My A would have never started if my EN's were met. How did we let this happen? We are probably both very intelligent women. I don't know your whole story as I am fairly new here. First, I can say that you aren't a bad person for what you did. The OM met needs that you didn't get met by your H. Maybe your A wasn't that shallow to the OM. His needs (probably for sex) were being met, your need for affection was probably being met for awhile, then you found out that he didn't meet those needs anymore. (I'm guessing). Bigger question though is how you'll tell your H and the consequences. That's what I'm dealing with. I know I'll never have another A again. It's a "how could I have been so stupid" feeling that I get now. My advice, care for yourself first, don't put too much ahead of your own needs for awhile - don't burn yourself out trying to do too much, go on dates with your H. If the OM is so uncaring and you really feel used you, then his feelings are not important and you need to hold your head high and be glad that you ended it. I wish you well.

It is validating to read your posts... because that is what my H is saying to me now... I was asking him if he missed 'her.' If he ever wanted to talk to her... if he had any 'anguish.'

He said the only anguish he had was over ever having an affair in the first place. Your posts allow for me that he was being extremely honest.

I hope that your spouses can be there for you. I try to be for my H (when he lets me).

I am in a group at church studying John Townsend's book "Hiding from Love." I think that you might find it enlightening.

Cali

I am so glad you are doing well. I was worried about you ( because you had not come back for a while.)

Very happy that things are going in the right direction. Hope you are able to speak to H about things and that you have a full recovery.

SS

and then?...