hi everyone...well i actually thought the last 3 weeks we were getting somewhere, boy was i wrong. Last nite WH told me the OW is coming in 2 or 3 weeks, dont know how long she will be staying yet. He said its best that he does leave me, its just not fair and too hurtful for me. He will be spending every moment he can with her, except being at work.

I am so sick right now, i am trembling, i had about 2 hrs sleep last nite. I didnt handle the talk well. I know i LB'd, i dint really beg, but i did convice him not to leave. I asked him why things seem like they were getting better, he said he has been trying, but there is just no feeling for me there. He said "i care for you", but thats it. I have been plan aing quite well for the past 5 weeks, and he has noticed the change, but he said it just seems so phoney, since i was not like this all the years of our marriage. Bascially he doesnt know what to make of the change i guess.

Anyway, i told him when she comes go and be with her, maybe that is what you need to sort this out. The whole thing is he doesnt seemed like he needs to sort things out, he seems like he knows exactly what he wants. He misses her terribly and cant wait to see her.

The OW is married and get this, they both love each other, BUT she loves my H too. This is the sick part, HER husband is OK with it, I have heard of these open marriages , I guess this is the case here. My H said he knows that his relationship with her will not go any further than it is right now. He said it bascially doesnt have much to do with the OW , but the way he feels about me, or should i say doesnt feel about me and how our marriage was not happy for the last 10 years. I asked him to keep trying at our marraige and not give up, he said he would think about it. I just dont know what the truth is anymore. One truth he did say was that he felt he should leave because of seeing her in a couple of weeks, and that staying here was leading me on. I have convinced him to stay, but i dont now if i did the right thing. If i ask him to leave, that will give him more time to fall in love with her, and further away from me. If he stays, i need to handle him going everynite with her after work, and not coming home till around midnite. Do i do a good plan a when he is seeing her. He will come home from work, i will make his dinner, he will go to her, i will do his laundry and look after the kids. That doesnt sound right, or is it? Is that what i do? I just dont know what the right thing to do is anymore. Should i ask him he is wants to really try at our marriage, he should consider breaking it off with her, before she even gets here? Should i let him have his time with her. She lives about 3000 miles away, and will only be visiting here periodically throughout the year, but it looks like he is willing to have it this way and will be awaiting her each visit.

We have been intimate alot lately and he told me it was just sex to him. I told him i found that hard to beleive, and he was confused about his feelings, he got Angry. He said i was analyising everything he was saying. I should just accept what he was saying and that he doesnt feel the same way i feel and probably never will.

I am so scared that when she gets here and he picks with her, things will defineltly take a real backward step with us, and we wont be able to pull it back. When he talked about moving out, he said "I want to be alone", i wouldnt mind coming home after work to piece and quiet.

I guess the last 3 weeks, he seemed so happy, i guess that is about the time he found out she was coming. She wasnt supposed to be coming till December. He said he doesnt know how long she will be staying, maybee she will be staying right through till December.

Anyway, someone please tell me what i should do, i am a wreck, its like D-Day all over again.

Married...17 yrs, together 19
2 children....13 and 15
WH...46yrs
BS..Me..45yrs
D-Day July 25
met OW beginning of july, she left Aug.7 to go back to where she lived
Wh has been living here with us, has said twice now to leave, and i have convinced him not too.
WH and OW communicating by email and voice chatting every day]
OW returning in 2 weeks
WH going to be with her every second he can, and eating and sleeping here (except on the weekends, where he will spend the entire weekend with her)

Get an appointment with Jennifer or Steve today. this totally planned disrepct for your children who are teenagers regardless of what he has felt for the past ten years is overwhelming....
get help with this today....
Godspeed
ARK

Your husband says that her husband is ok with this. It could just be line he’s feeding you. WS tend to lie a lot.

I agree that if you can get some immediate help from the Harley then do so today.

This is way over the top. Your husband purposely disrespecting and hurting you. IMHO it’s time for a swift Plan B. You have to let him know that not only will not tolerate being treated like this but he will have to depend on her now for all of his emotional needs to be met. What a crock. He lets you meet his needs; you obviously meet most of them. Do not let anyone, even your husband use your body for “just sex”. It will, over time make you hate him. Then he expects you to put up with it so he can get his jollies with OW.

RE: “If i ask him to leave, that will give him more time to fall in love with her, and further away from me.”

No if you ask him to leave (Plan B) then it will give him time to realize that she fills very few of his EN’s. That when she is gone there is no one to fill his EN’s. Most affairs die very quickly when they are exposed to the light of day. Do your friends family know of his affair and what he is planning. It may be time for them to know. That is another way to expose the affair to the light.

RE: “If he stays, i need to handle him going everynite with her after work, and not coming home till around midnite.”

You are kidding right? Why is he bothering to come home at night? Why not just shack up with her?

RE: “Do i do a good plan a when he is seeing her. He will come home from work, i will make his dinner, he will go to her, i will do his laundry and look after the kids. That doesn’t sound right, or is it?”

No it does not sound right. How dare he treat you like this. You are his wife, not his maid. If it were me, I’d be totally non-functional. I could not be able to cook dinner, do laundry or take care of children. Do not put yourself through this. Plan A is not about letting yourself be abused.

The best way to protect yourself and your love for him is Plan B. This is only my opinion and it is what I would do.

I am so sorry for what he is putting you through.

I agree totally. Although you love someone, it is hard for them to love you back if you don't respect yourself. you need to be firm, it is terribly hard, but you need to do it.

My xh chose to be with his OW when I told him to chose, he said, "just for another month". I let him do it and you know what, when he came back, it wasn't for me.

Choose yourself because you deserve better than that. I can not stress how important self love is, for 7 years I tried to fix his problems, now it's time for mine. I'm happy, you may not end up without him, but for right now, don't worry about that. Do you like being disrespected? Do you want to tolerate his behaviour in your house? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest a definite plan B and getting some individual counseling. My heart goes out to you and I'm sorry for your hurt, just remember "I can not control someone else's actions, I can control my reaction, and I tell people (by my actions) how to treat me"

Best of Luck & lots of love

Because you may not be able to afford an appointment with the Harleys I wanted to give you some more support.

If you ask your husband to leave (Plan B) realize that you cannot force him to leave. You are meeting a lot of his needs, he may not want to give that up. You cannot control his actions. So you then have a choice.

Leave with the children to go stay at the friend or family member’s house. Get an attorney ASAP to set this in place.

He may fight you taking the children, in that case you will to remain in the family home with him. In this case, if he stays, then do NOTHING for him. It would be the closest you can get to Plan B at this time. Make sure that you and the children are not home when he gets home. Tell him that he may not sleep with you anymore. That you will not allow yourself to be used. When he comes home at night from the ‘date’ with OW. Be in your bedroom with the door locked. When he comes home at midnight, if he tries to get into your bedroom or starts arguing about it. Call the women’s shelter and call the police. They will come and remove him.

You have the right to not sleep with him. You have the right to not even be in the same room with him.

A/C,
I hadn't heard and wondered how you are. Sorry to hear of the bad turn. It is so amazing. My H told me almost EXACTLY the same things your H is telling you. Everything. It brings back hard memories just hearing it all. I don't know what to tell you, my H also said the things about not wanting to lead me on, but he put it as "don't want you to think things might work out when they probably wont." He said he put up a wall so I would not take anything the "wrong" way. He said the same things about the sex, the same things about unhappiness the same things about our R, and chances of working it out.

What can I tell you? No advice really. I can look back now and say I don't regret still trying. You have a vastly different situation than I did, my H was not home, I did not have to put up with daily disrespect. Listen to advice here. I will pray for you. My H is coming home next week and he has almost completely shut me out doesn't even hardly e-mail anymore.

Well I gotta go keep me posted I will pray for you.
Sharon

I very much doubt that OWH knows and is ok with it. I suspect that you are being told that so that you think "hmmm, OWH thinks its fine so I can't rely on his help to break this up". That line of thinking might cause you to not call up OWH and inform him of all thats going to be happening in a couple weeks.

I suggest that you get ahold of his phone number and any proof that you have and let him know whats really going on. I'd be willing to be he's completely in the dark.

I also agree with Zorweb on Plan B. Why do so many BS's think they need to be happy and friendly and put up with total BS??

Kick his azz out the door. Do NOT send the message that you love him at all costs (especially the cost to your emotional health). Do not send the message that I'll take whatever you feel like dishing out.

Why on earth do you think that him living there while he dates OW is a good thing?

Make this thing face the light of day. Tell everyone you know what a [censored] your H is. And make him leave while he's dating his MARRIED OW.

A/C,

These are just thoughts in case you do end up going to Plan B.

When I wrote up my Plan B letter, I sat down and figured out all the ways my WH relies on me. What were the things that I'd been doing all these years that he had been taking for granted?

It's easy to come up with the big ones, but there are lots and lots of smaller things that I hadn't realized were actually examples of me meeting his needs. Things like keeping the finances straight, setting up and maintaining all of our online accounts, being here to answer his calls (he calls me 10-20x a day just to talk), doing the shopping, planning and cooking the meals (not just for him, but for the kids when he was home, so he never had to think about what to feed them), and taking care of the kids. Now, I've been a SAHM and homeschooler for the better part of 15 years, so I'd shouldered 90%+ of all the child raising, while he got the fun stuff. My Plan B was going to change all of this.

He was going to go from, 'all I have to do is go to work, provide for my family, and watch TV' to being totally responsible for all of his stuff, plus all of the kids' stuff 3 days a week. I was no longer going to be able to meet those needs, because I was going to be busy meeting my own needs for financial security, stability, and education, plus the kids' needs for the 4 days I would have them.

In our case (and it sounds like yours, as well) the OW is really not capable of meeting all of his needs. In fact, she's only capable of meeting a tiny fraction of his needs. But my WH had some weird idea that he could keep all the good parts of our R, while building a new R with OW. He was not a happy camper when I pointed out that it would never work that way, because I wasn't going to play, and it was unfair of him to expect that I would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The plain fact is that he could call me his best friend all he wanted, but I would never be friends with someone who treated me the way he was.

Like I said, just thoughts in case you go to Plan B. Think of all the ways you meet his needs. Even the little stuff, because it all adds up. If he really wants to leave to be with this other person, he has to understand that he'll be responsible for *all* of his stuff.

In my case, I had even planned to move out of our home, even though it would have been easier for him to find another place to live. One of the things I learned through MB, and hadn't realized before, was that my WH has a great need to be appreciated for the things he provides. I mean, it makes sense to me now, but I'd just never thought of it that way before.

Moving out would be a huge LB on my part, but after hearing him say over and over (during the active part of his EA) how he would always provide for me, I'd always have a place to stay, etc. I figured if I stayed, it would be a salve to his conscience that he was still providing for me and the kids. He could tell himself that he was such a good person, that even though things didn't work out for us, and he was actively pursuing a R with another person, he was still this wonderful husband and father, because he had provided for us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So my Plan B was actively going to take that away.

The funny thing is, even though I haven't used my Plan B letter, having written it, I'm more aware then ever of my own needs and how I need to change some of these things anyway. I'm also far more aware of what ENs of his I am meeting and how I can meet them more effectively, more consciously.

If you can afford to counsel with the Harleys, do it. Seriously. You need to draw some lines for yourself. You may not be able to control his actions, but that doesn't mean you should let him walk all over you. You've raised all your two year olds; enabling a grown man revert to one is not in the plan.

Mere

hi everyone, thanks for all your replys.

Sorry, i dont think i can afford the Harley's, I live in Canada, so the fee would be much more when it was converted to Canadian Funds.

The intimate contact my WH and i are having is iniated by me. I am trying to meet one of his most important EN's. Lack of sex on my part was a big issue in our marriage, and i am trying to make that right. I approach him for it.

I think when he comes homes from work today, i will ask him to consider terminating his relationship with the OW so we can work together to bring our marriage back. The worst than can happen is that he will say no, and then i will have to decide about Plan B and exposing everything to family and friends. No one knows about this ,especially our teenage children.

All i know is that i feel right now i must do everything in my power to keep this alive. I feel so alone and scared right now, my heart is breaking and i am finding it difficult to accept this mess. When will that feeling end, i guess its the denial stage. I was taking only one pill of Zoloft , but this morning i took two. i hope it helps. Thanks again for all your advice, gonna go read up on Plan B...A/C1810

Quick thoughts.....

1. OWH's knows??? Call the bluff. Ask for the phone number and then either you or someone you trust verify. No more mystery.

2. He's going to spend all his time with her? No problem. While he's at it, make sure all his dirty laundry, problems, bills, etc. Every bad and vile thing he dumps in you goes with him. Oh. ... let him take all his stuff also. U get to choose what you keep since remember he is going to spend 'all' that time with the OW.

Again call his bluff. Let the OW meet all his needs. If he has stuff that needs mending or accidently gets holes in all his BVDs..... let her take care of all his needs. U get the pix right?

3. Wish him well and if you can let the OW's H know that he can play this game also. He just might.

4. If you H is reluctant to play by such rules, tell him no problem. Then track him down (and deliver all that stuff. The hotel will do a delivery right to her room with all his dirty laundry). She wanted all of him right? Give it to her.

Of course this is just me talking here. See it took me a while to realize that the OW only wanted the fun stuff. But hey, those WSs aren't fun all the time right??? But they want to play house let them. Oh by the way..... his muddy work boots? Send them over wet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Vent dear, you will need to vent. It helps remove the tears. Then find a good friend and unload your ideas so they can keep you in check. Remember these ideas are not meant to be implemented unless you are able to deal with the repercussions. Be cautious and careful.

Oh yea, the talk about the fact that he cares for you? Tell him to stick it up his sock. His actions don't match and you need to decide which you are going to believe.

take care and be careful.
L.

......more thoughts.

Make sure u stop meeting his needs so that he goes over there very very needy and demanding. Can't go see any sights because he is too needy today..... can't go to dinner because he is too needy today..... can't do....

Now if her H plays along then you could have 2 needy people LBing the _ _ LL out of each other.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>
Now if her H plays along then you could have 2 needy people LBing the _ _ LL out of each other.

L.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, Orchid, that is seriously evil. I love it.

Mere

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{A/CO}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry your H is being so wretched.

Most WS don't get this blatant, my H always denied the affair, not that lying was better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but I could have a little denial myself and not face up the yuckiest of his actions unless I chose to.

So, your H says it's better if he leaves. You can't control that. It's ok to ask him to terminate his relationship with the OW. The answer to that should determine your next move. Be prepared for him to say no. Be really really prepared in the ways Zorweb, Merentha, Orchid & Lexxy outline.

I'd add that you should set up a financial account of your own if possible, one in your name only. If he does this 3 weeks with the OW, he could be spending a lot of $$$ and you need to protect yourself & kids. The money you set aside remains part of the marital assets, you don't hide it, but he doesn't have access to it.

If he wants to be with her these 3 weeks, I think he needs to face the natural consequences of walking out on his family. Coming home at midnight? Unless you are exceptionally strong-minded that will drive you insane. I'm not particularly in favor of separations, but I think if he wants to spend all his time with the OW, give the man what he wants. And, see a lawyer for a consultation--not a divorce, a consultation for how to protect yourself legally when your H has walked out on you. Some lawyers will see you once without charge, or phone consult (or maybe I got very lucky?)

If you've got teenagers, they know something is going on. And, they will notice if dad doesn't come home from work or comes home at midnight. His plan is so unrealistic and disrespectful.

Your marriage can come back from separation, but having someone be cruel in your face is a little more difficult to heal.

No doing laundry or supper.

Natural consequences are not the same as deliberate lovebusters.

A/C

I am sorry you have been so cruelly hurt. After all this your H may expect you to kick him out and he may go crying to the OW. Know this and let that part happen.

I had to live through that as many others here. It is a very very painful time. What we can do here is give suggestions to keep you strong.

I would like to share a story which may seem even worse. It also may help to see that personal recovery needs to be your focus right now because at this time your H doesn't give a hoot about the M (based on his actions), therefore all your worry on saving the M right now will appear futile. Here is the story and then how to combat it.

Another MB who just began posting this year (she doesn't post much right now because she doesn't have access to a computer). Her name is PI & I have permission to write about her situation.

PI's H began a torrid A a few months after they were married and she was pregnant with their now 1 1/2 year old son. She has an older daughter as well. The Ws even left a video of the OW and him having s_x and she had to endure him pretending to be the baby calling the OW mommy (later he even took the baby with him to the OW and pretended to do the same. In the meantime he was constantly being very cruel, abusive and disrespectful to PI. The police were called several times and eventually he was served with a RO (3 officers, myself and another of PI's friends). At that time we all saw his mental state and his whinning attitude as if he was the victim. He 'suppposed caring words for his son' was really more woe is me. At that time we helped her quickly move out her stuff.

Before this happened PI was a stay at home mom and had just started a parttime job which was paid on a commission basis so there was no income yet. Yet her H who was having an A, threw her out of their large home, with no vehicle, no credit cards, no money and no place to live. (her parents are both gone - another story in itself).

The reason? The WS said he kicked her out because he suspected she was having an A. Kicked her out on an assumption! While he was doing the dirty deed all over town in cars, trucks, whereever. ...... Can't tell. you the thoughts that ran through my head when I had to deal with him (I was the mediator for their child visiation exchanges).

The point is that this is how cruel some WS' can be. At that time nothing PI said or did about the A mattered. This man had to lose his famly, his parents had to fly back from another country to take care of him (no job), he finally dumped the OW (he didn't have all that family income to spent on her anymore), some utilities were turned off because he was spending $$ on the OW and not his family, have an RO enforced and is now going separation and possible D. PI is moving forward with her life. She has finally seen the abuse and will not accept that as a way of living anymore.

So for now, while his head is up his _ _ _ t, don't try to talk about how much you love him and want the M to work. Those words spilling out of your mouth will hurt. It hurt me and I see it hurt many others. Let him know that he does have a family that does care (don't just say U) but his disrespectful words are not acceptable. Don't give him your detail plans, let him wonder what you are doing. Then do it.

This is the time for you to be strong and it is very very hard. You will tremble and shake several more times during this ordeal. For me, during a similar period, I miscarried a child, Ws went to a 2 day jail visit due to he called 911 because I was throwing his stuff out the door (after renewed contact- ow claimed prego2 then blamed me for miscarriage right after I had mine- copy cat OW!) , police came and saw him push me so ws was arrested, RO setup against ws, ws came out of jail and spent 10 days @ ows house, then begged to come home.....with ow in the background telling me to take him......

That was just during a 2 month stint. Action packed or what?!?!? I then set a personal boundary - I did not want to have the OW in my life nor in the lives of anyone who lived in our home. After that I had a melt down period and became depressed (wonder why?!?!?), had to work that out, even though WS and OW were having contact. Each time contact was found out, the WS was kicked out, when he proved there was no contact and he showed what value he was to bring to family, he was allowed back. Not until 10 months later did it finally 'end' for me. Ow's last known call. WS ' last call to the OW was in Feb. You see she didn't stop trying for a long long time.

The point is that I had to stay strong and stand my ground then and now. My personal boundary is what helped save my M. But I did not set that boundary to save my M. I set it to preserve my santity.

AC this is a critical time for you. You are not alone in your suffering. There are many more stories that may help strengthen your resolve.

Vent here, cry here, if you need ask for an MBer near you and see if that will help. If you need phone assistance some may be able to help (can't volunteer anyone but you can ask).

take care,
L.

A/C0810,

Please check in and let us know how you are doing.

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

A/CO,
I just want to say I'm not disagreeing with anyone here on your thread. I think we're all brainstorming, using our personal experiences & those we've been close to, to show you that you do have choices. Some will be a better fit for you & what your marriage was & how your H is now, but ultimately you choose what you feel will be the course you take.

My Christian counselor always told me to do something he called, "piling ashes on your H's head". It was what his wife did to him long ago when he was an unsaved serial cheater. It was complete and utter kindness whenever she dealt with him. Commisserating with the WS when those natural consequences kicked in. The only example where I actually did it that I can recall was when my teenager told my H he was scum, I told him later, "that must hurt you to hear." Not disagreeing with the kid, but he had let her down repeatedly in his "not leaving the kids, only leaving you, Lor" fog.

What the kindess does is not make you the bad wife/screaming witch he's leaving. No matter what you choose to do, do it with as much dignity and composure as you can. I still cringe about the 2nd sep when I hung onto my H's leg...and then threw up (the kids weren't around, thank God). Avoid that!

The thing is, your H sounds like he's pretty emotionally invested in being with the OW when she visits. He may miraculously come to his senses, but you need to be more prepared that he won't. I doubt any of us want to see your situation escalate into full blown PA & separation, but your H's attitude does not bode well for his ending the A before she gets here.

It's awful that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.