I am posting this today becaues I think it shows how I may have totally misread what the lunches with a co-worker meant. Is it possible that the people on here see the flaws because of their experieinces? That could color what they offer for advice.

Today I saw the coworker and her husband as I was coming to work. They pulled over and I talked iwth them. The coworker was friendly as was her husband. There was no sense of flirting or stange eye contact with me or her. They were going to spend the day together.

How could a woman go spend the day with her husband when she is interested in someone at work? I could tell they were happy and that is the point I was trying ot make on here. If a woman is happy in her marriage and a man is happy in his why can't they be friends at work?

I'm open to someone telling me what the flaw is in my logic but it seems clear after seeing them that maybe I read too much into the lunches. Has that happeened to anyone else on here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>I am posting this today becaues I think it shows how I may have totally misread what the lunches with a co-worker meant. Is it possible that the people on here see the flaws because of their experieinces? That could color what they offer for advice.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, of course, personal experience will colour one's opinion. That goes with out saying! The point you're missing is that with experience goes wisdom and insight. Take advantage of the wisdom and insight being offered to you. It's a gift! You've got the opportunity to do the right thing here...don't screw it up!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>
Today I saw the coworker and her husband as I was coming to work. They pulled over and I talked iwth them. The coworker was friendly as was her husband. There was no sense of flirting or stange eye contact with me or her. They were going to spend the day together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well DUH! Did you honestly expect her to tell you that you make her feel alive with her H present?? An A will rarely occur in front of a BS, it's the secrecy and illicitness that make you feel 'special' and 'alive'!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>
How could a woman go spend the day with her husband when she is interested in someone at work? I could tell they were happy and that is the point I was trying ot make on here. If a woman is happy in her marriage and a man is happy in his why can't they be friends at work??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't hiding something from your spouse involve appearing normal?? Maybe, she is, as you say, happy. What's not normal is telling another man that he makes you feel special and alive. The fact that her actions and her words don't add up, should be a red flag to you. I'm not opposed to men and women being friends...but, ALL my friendships with men involve my H and I NEVER say anything to any of my male friends that I wouldn't say if my H were there at my side. I've never told any of my male friends that they make me feel 'alive'. My FWH now follows the same guidelines. It's called setting boundaries. You need to try it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>

I'm open to someone telling me what the flaw is in my logic but it seems clear after seeing them that maybe I read too much into the lunches. Has that happeened to anyone else on here?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your logic is naive. Whether you want to recognize it not, experience gives us an advantage. We see the red flags that you aren't acknowledging. No one is saying you or your friend are bad people. We are saying that, based on our collective/vast experience, you are on a 'slippery slope'. We are trying to keep you on the 'path' and you are trying to throw yourself down the 'slope'. We are throwing you a 'safety line'. Grab it!!!

The rational thing to do is talk to your W, tell her what has been said, stop the lunches for a bit and try to educate yourself. Try and get some perspective on this situation.

Thanks for the reply. What I just can't seem to comphrend is that a happy woman in a marriage would feel something for a coworker. It just doesn't make sense to me. Seems like there would be more signs of trouble. Then I read the post from the woman who was a marriage coach and realize if it could happen to her it could happen to anyone.

I guess my red flags would go up if she was real flirty or touching me or complaing bout her husband all the time. Those are things I think about when I think about a woman having an affair.

Part of it may be my upbringing that there are bad girls and good girls and that the good ones never do anything bad. This woman is Catholic, married, kids everything screaming out good. That makes me feel it is safe to be her friend. With another kind of woman I would be worried

Stupid logic, right?!! But I am being honest

Yes, VERY stupid logic!!! Did you even read my post from last night? Her being Catholic, spending the day with her husband, -give us all a break! My husband and I (and kids) went off on a long extended holiday in the middle of our crisis, and had Many wonderful times together. But he, like you, was obsessed with OW and I KNEW the whole time we were gone that she was not out of my life.

My experience lasted over a period of 3-4 years; during that time OW would show up at MY husband's church baseball games (sometimes with her husband, sometimes without) and NO-ONE HAD A CLUE! When it all surfaced, NO-ONE could believe what they were hearing. They all believed OW and her husband to be so happy together. Your posts could be my husband's all over again. No matter how often I told him happily married women don't get involved with other women's husbands, he refused (JUST LIKE YOU) to believe me. He didn't want to - just like you don't want to.

You are only fooling yourself. And deep down inside you know it. Yes, we all speak from our own experiences, but then that's how we all learn isn't it? Do we, as non-scientists, each have to perform the experiment before we will believe the result? Do we not mostly rely on the expert's knowledge/advice? How many tragedies to you need to read about before you decide to do the right thing? If she really just is a friend, then end it. True friends will understand that a marriage comes first before a friendship.

But she isn't just a friend, is she? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Cautious --
You keep asking questions about this woman's mindset, her intentions and her marriage. The real problem here: You're interested in her.

It really shouldn't matter to you if she's happy with her husband or not, or even how she sees the relationship you've developed. Your whole focus should be on YOUR relationship with your wife.

You need to have a nice long talk with yourself and then your wife. I'm betting if you get this out in the open before it becomes an affair, you'll be able to put this lunch stuff behind you and get on with your marriage.

Just an observation. I could be way the heck off course. But, then again, I've had those lunch partners, too. As did my FWS. And I remember asking the same questions.

I don't get it. You keep asking the same question over and over again. You keep getting told the same answer. Do you really think that you are going to come on here with another comment about her husband and their relationship and everybody is going to say well in that case it's okay for the two of you to have lunch? And why do you care if everybody here agrees with you or not? Nobody can make you do or don't do something you want to do, except you. You either agree with the general population or you don't. You either keep having lunch with her or you don't. The decision is up to you, so why do you keep asking?

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Some people are simply selfish and ego seeking. She could be perfectly happy at home and still want to do what makes her feel "good and alive". She could have no intention of ever leaving her H and just be using you to give herself an ego boost. Geesh there's lots of people out there who are self serving and think there is no harm if there's not much chance of getting caught.

I love the subject of this thread "misreading lunches."

Well, if you're misreading lunches, cautious, then YOU'RE DOING THEM WRONG. You're supposed 2 EAT lunch, not READ it! Cripes!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How could a woman go spend the day with her husband when she is interested in someone at work? I could tell they were happy and that is the point I was trying ot make on here. If a woman is happy in her marriage and a man is happy in his why can't they be friends at work? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cautious,

I just have to ask you this.

Do you really know what an A is? What you have just described IS an affair!

When a woman spends the day with her husband, but sometimes silently wishing it in her mind that it was the OM, you have got an A.

By the same token, when a woman is with someone she works with, and should be with her husband, it is an A.

Your logic doesn't make any sense to me. Probably doesn't make sense to ANYONE! By your logic, how could my WW have gone somewhere and had sex with her OM, and then come home and had sex with me? Maybe even the SAME day, who knows?

That's the way a freakin' A works! That's why!

Why would she go every weekend somewhere with me, while during the week she was with him? Why would she run to him after work during the week, and then spend the weekends with me?

Because....THAT'S WHAT A FREAKIN" AFFAIR IS!!!!

GEEZ.....Please, please tell me that you can understand this.....PLEASE!!!!!!!

HCII

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>

Part of it may be my upbringing that there are bad girls and good girls and that the good ones never do anything bad. This woman is Catholic, married, kids everything screaming out good. That makes me feel it is safe to be her friend. With another kind of woman I would be worried

Stupid logic, right?!! But I am being honest</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, let me get this straight...good, Catholic girls don't walk on the wild side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Would ya give your friggin' head a shake!!

Reality check, the line between good and bad doesn't exist. Given the right set of circumstances all of us have the potential for either. It comes down to a choice...you embrace the good or the bad choice. This woman is just a woman, like the rest of us. She is NOT a saint! Given the right set of circumstances and a few bad choices, she too, can have an A. Someone mentioned earlier that she likes the ego boost that your attention gives her. IMHO, this is the case. Just because you like extra attention doesn't make you an unhappy person. You can appear very happy...extra attention is like, extra happiness! It's a bonus! In a way, you are being used; if that doesn't bother you...it should. Most would say that this type of behaviour is immature, adolescent, self-serving and more than a little needy. If one is an emotionally healthy adult, they don't need someone else to make them feel 'alive'; that individual is confident and mature enough to make themself feel 'alive'.

cautious..

What do you mean by your first sentence? What did you misread??? Did you misread some signals that she was sending out? Did you misread some email? Did you misread some tone of voice while talking? Why the need to read anything into it if it is all innocent? YOU are looking for something in these lunches. YOU are searching for some type of clue from this woman that there might be something more than friendship there. Otherwise, you would not be "reading" into these meetings.
Seems to me that the thought would have never entered your mind had it been innocent. If innocent it would be lunch and nothing else. You are analyzing and beating it to death. If it was innocent you would not be here seeking advice in the first place. Your conscious is talking to you and you evidently ain't listening!!! TURN UP THE VOLUME MAN!!!

Cautious,

I didn't read the first lunch thread so if I am off base here, just skip this post.

Lunch with an OW who sends you e-mails and signals likes she wants to have more than lunch?!?!?!? Yet she looks happy with her H?

Listen Mr., doncha know that is what Venusians do best? Always make you think you are doing a great thing as you are being ripped off. Selling yoursoul...... it is called manipulation and you are being used.

Yes, I hate to say it but that is what women are capable of. Often a gender thing and I don't need to hear about being biased because it has happened more often than it should by the same gender.

So, what are you suppose to do? Get far away from this 'friendly' face. You have no idea what she is really capable of.

Just know this, this woman likes dessert, especially cake. She is a cakewoman. Likes to keep 2 guys (maybe more) on her plate at all times. You want to be used like that? Maybe her H knows or maybe he doesn't but you do, so now what?!?!?

JMHO,
L.

Does anyone besides me wonder if it isn't the webmaster who dreams up these weird cases like cautious, mmarriedman, tempted to keep us entertained? They are all the same situations and the posters are hopelessly irrational and closed minded. But in addition to their common situations, they all post the SAME question over and over and over again in NUMEROUS threads and continually ignore any advice they get.

MelodyLane,

Yep, and there is a huge lack of sencertiy. By that I mean we ask him questions about himself and his marriage and they never get answered.

You know if it's real, why doesn't they guy just be honest and say "yep i want to have an affair and I don't give a rat's @ss about what it's going to do to my wife/marriage/family.

There is a total lack of depth and personality to the posts. Like the poster has not figured out yet how to pertend he's in the situation he says he's in.

Even if this is real, it's a huge waste of everyone's time.

See, by coming here and talking about OW it helps keep him connected to her. Notice that there is never anything else brought up.

Cautious: My wife called me "The Greatest Husband in the World" before and during her affair. What's more, she believed it. Yet ,she was extremely dis-satisfied with our marriage, and would not admit it to herself. NOONE knew, not even her. What things looked like on the surface were not reality. It was only when the affair was exposed and we started looking for answers that we were able to see what is now plain as day. This is not just revisionist history, either. I was miserable in our marriage for the same reasons she was, and I knew it. I just didn't know she was, too. She had a much larger capacity for denial than I did. And frankly, I wanted to believe she was happy, despite the fact that there was plenty of evidence to the contrary. Between her words of satisfaction, and my desire to believe them, I came up with alternative explanations for all the pieces of evidence that suggested she was not as happy as claimed. Once I learned about the affair, the rest of it made a lot more sense.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If a woman is happy in her marriage... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's not. Bank on it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I just can't seem to comphrend is that a happy woman in a marriage would feel something for a coworker. It just doesn't make sense to me. Seems like there would be more signs of trouble. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There were many things my wife did like about our marriage, and called a vacation we took 2-1/2 years into her three year affair "One of the most romantic times together in our marriage, ever". It's called "focusing on the positive". Also known as "Denial".