I haven't been around much. I kind of weened myself off. I found myself getting so depressed for everyone that I was bringing myself down with the injustice of everyone's pain.

Although, I feel stronger everyday, I long for the pain to be gone and for movement towards resolution. I have tried to separate from my WH several time to no avail. He each time pledges love to me and my children only to relapse into the OW arms who is relentless in her pursuit of him. Not that he isn't enjoying the attention however, their little secret A is really out of the closet. His whole family found out through gossip and most of our freinds are shying away from him out of respect for me. He truely has no one to confide in except me who he feels he cannot trust and OW. Who else could make him feel that what he is doing is the "right thing".

He tries to work on our marriage in the only way he has ever know how. When he gets caught in a lies or knows he has been less than supportive he buys me sometihing. This abusive behavior is so clear to me now. Like an addict he caves to the thrill of the affair only to promise the next day he will try hard even though it truely is all my fault. I have no idea what I am really like. And at times he is right. Could I really have been that passive all these years to not stick up for myself and voice my needs. Instead I've let him bully me into thinking I must fix everything. I do realize the A is a symptom of a dysfunctional marriage. I just not sure that he will ever see that his behavior is also an issue.

I have basically given up for now. WH cannot give me the only thing I need to stay commited to this marriage and that is no contact with OW. I have told him that there will be a limit and that he must be prepared for the future without me and my income. He seems unprepared to face reality. It is truely sad in a way. He has lost me and the unconditional love I once felt, his childrens respect and trust and his family who cannot believe he would place his children under such horrific stress.

The end is near for me I fear. I feel I fought as long as I could. Your support is gratefully accepted. To those of you still in the fight, never loose yourself as I did. Although you want your marriage, you do not need that WS to identify who you are and what makes you happy. Our mistakes do not even come close to what they have put us through. Take care of yourselves!