Hi,

I have been reading and posting and thinking and pondering for a few months now. I have had a hard time figuring out this whole Plan A. Plan B, I get that is easy to understand. AHH but plan A, elusive!!

Okay so this is my thinking. Do I finally have it?
When I first started reading and posting all plan A seemed to say to me was "doormat" Do everything and anything possible to please and get your WS to see the error of their way. I think I was SO WRONG.

Now I am thinking. This plan A thing doesn't have ANYTHING to do with my WS. It is about ME. Looking deep inside of ME. Seeing if there are any problems, things I have taken for granted, unhealthy attitudes, actions, that I have let myself slip into over the years. Then acknowledging them and correcting them. Not just things in my MARRIAGE that were wrong. Things about Me that I had neglected, been to stubborn or lazy to fix, or that it might be to painful to face and overcome and change. Become the better ME. Not someone DIFFERENT, but, the person I have the God-given potential to be. Not a fake or a phoney, but ME. The good me, the proud me, the strong me, the happy me.

THEN, if I can do that, and my WS decides that he wants to take a look, check it out, great! If not, great! I will have moved beyond the point of that being the only reason for my journey. I think that seems to be the frustration with some who say "I did a good Plan A and it didn't work", I have felt this way, but I think I realize it is not just about getting my H back, it is about something infinitely more important than that, it is about getting ME back.

I know I am not there yet I am still packing my bags and sorting things out. But tell me, do I get it now? If not YIKES <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> If so I will continue on till I get there.

Thanks for your help,

Sharon

<small>[ September 27, 2002, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

Yes I think you've got it ... hope I will get it soon

Sharon,

U've got it!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yeah!!!!!!

L.

HOORAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT A MINUTE!! NOW I'M TOO GOOD FOR "WS". HUSBAND BETTER COME BACK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now I've got LOTS of work to do.

Thanks and love,
sharon

you sound better, good for you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>Now I am thinking. This plan A thing doesn't have ANYTHING to do with my WS. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've seen it said on these boards over and over that Plan A is all about you. It's about making you into the best you, you can be. And while I agree that the process of Plan A can and will do that, I don't agree that that's the purpose of it.

Look, I know that compared to others around here, I'm a newbie, but I've read the material, and it was a bit of a shock to me to finally get SAA and read it cover to cover. You know what Dr. Harley has to say about Plans A and B?

"To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation -- the time it takes for an affair to die a natural death -- I recommend two plans. If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended."

That sounds to me like plans A and B are strategies to deal with an active A.

Anyone can learn about LB and EN and POJA and all the rest. Anyone can apply these things to become better able to deal with the stresses of marriage. Anyone can examine their own lives at any point and make changes that make them a better person, and certainly doing those things would almost have to be part of a good Plan A. But none of those things requires one spouse or the other to have had an affair. Plans A and B are specific strategies for dealing with/trying to end an affair.

Plan A can fail. That's why there's a Plan B. But whether it fails or not, if you're working at it, you're going to end up a better person.

It Plan A was all about me, and making me the best me I can be, I could be Plan A'ing on Maui and hang the marriage.

Mere

<small>[ September 27, 2002, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Merentha ]</small>

Oops be back later

<small>[ September 27, 2002, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>sorry</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sincerely hope that sorry wasn't directed at me. There's nothing to be sorry for. I simply disagree with something I've seen posted over and over on these boards.

When I ordered SAA, I thought that's what I'd find in the book, but it wasn't. What I found were strategies aimed at ending/surviving during an affair (Plans A & B), followed by strategies designed to rebuild a marriage after an affair.

Becoming a better person is part of a good Plan A, but I could become a better person without doing Plan A.

Mere

Ute, I'll admit it has been some time since I've read SAA. And, in fact, since recovery is nearing 2 1/2 years, my Plan A ended about 3 years ago, but I think you got it, and Merentha's explanation isn't contrary, but associated.

Ute you are describing the process of Plan A, taking a look at yourself, making the changes that are good for you, meeting your spouses needs if he makes that possible, but doing what you can to survive an ongoing affair and keep yourself at the point where reconciliation is possible for you if your H also reaches the point where he wants reconciliation.

But, with making the changes that benefit you, even if your Plan A "doesn't work" to put your marriage into recovery, you will survive, recover and have a personal success story, if not the marital success.

Plan A gives you the opportunity to feel you've done your best to be the kind of person, the kind of spouse that would be a good marriage partner. If you go on to Plan B, and still the reconciliation doesn't happen, time will also be a healer and you would be more likely to move on with your life without your marriage, in a healing, healthy way.

So, I guess I don't see it as one or the other, but steps in a process.

Oh no Merentha,
Just oops I had to leave and couldn't finish my post.
Yes, Merentha and Lor, I understand what you are saying.
My take on it is:

I can plan A forever. I don't ever have to give it up. It will be an ongoing process for me. Plan B is only about "do I let my WH benefit from my Plan Aing" When I go to plan B he sees no benefit. To Plan A I have to understand what I did to cause the A. So in a way you are right it is about the A and my WS. But, I cannot control how my changes or actions affect him. Only how they affect ME. If I just "CHANGE" to bring him back and everything goes back to "same old same old" we will be right back to where we started. Just as I will have to change for our M ever to work again, he will also. Maybe, just maybe, if he sees that I am willing to work on MY FAULTS, and empower my good qualities, HE will be influenced to do like-wise.

I feel that I can plan A forever. That doesn't mean it will always be with my WS. He may fail the test. But I can always look inside to better myself. Sometimes we become stagnant till a strong wind blows in. I can't think of any stronger wind of change than my H's affair.

Thanks for you input. I know I still have a lot to learn but boy am I trying.

Sharon

My plan A helped made me a better husband for my W. That made me more attractive to her. If she didn't or couldn't accept the fact that I could and am changing and she decided to leave me anyway; then I'd be a better husband if God ever blessed me with another Mrs. S&C.

Go get'um.

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>I can plan A forever. I don't ever have to give it up. It will be an ongoing process for me. Plan B is only about "do I let my WH benefit from my Plan Aing" When I go to plan B he sees no benefit.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, that has to be one of the best ways I've seen yet to look at that.

Mere

Thanks S&C and Mere,
Thats what I am hoping for to be a better wife, if not a wife, a better person. Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks, or at least improve on the quality of the old ones. I guess I needed a wake up call. It is a painful one, but I am hoping to make all the good I can out of this horrible situation.

Sharon

Hello Sharon,
I am sorry for what you are going through, it must be really hard to realize that what should have lasted for a lifetime, suddenly disintegrated, and you find yourself at a dead end, and having to start over. Life at times brings unexpected situations, turmoil or mishaps and we find ourselves in the middle of them and we see no hope and maybe think our world has come to an end, but there is always hope, and through time we could look back and see that we learned from our past, and that we have grown wiser and become stronger, and more confident. I <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> experienced the pain of my wife&#8217;s PA, in June 1999, and the following years going through an emotional roller coaster and many times stopping short of divorce. You have a tough job ahead of you to be head of household and to maintain a normal life for your kids, but you must make the best of the situation, and to be encouraged that it will get better. My wife and I are Romanian and live in the northwest, you state that the OW is from Romania, are you and your xH from there too? If it&#8217;s your birthday this week, or this month, Happy Birthday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> enjoy yourself and your kids, enjoy life as it is given to you! And hope for the future!

Hurtagaintwice
George
gggalis@hotmail.com

Thanks for your kind words, Hurtagain. No my H and I are not from Romania. He met OW through his old job, they had a facility in Romania, he traveled there and she traveled here for work occasionally. He brought a couple of fellows here to US to work in the facility in the job he is in now. Maybe OW is working for him too, I don't know hardly anything about them or even what he is doing anymore.

Sounds like you and your W recoved if so good for you. I bet you love the northwest, I have visited there a few times it is beautiful. I grew up in S. CA.

Looks like you are new to the board,welcome I will have to read your posts. Hope things are okay for you and you W. If not, you will get help here.

Sharon