I especially address this to you because you have helped me a lot. I just told my H about my A. I found out some different bad new today and overreacted, then it just spilled out to him over the phone. He is now thinking about it. I answered all of his questions. I cannot explain what a big burden has been lifted and I am ready to suffer the consequences. I need help on what to do next. He says he still loves me. Toomuchcoffeeman your words got through to me and were part of the reason I confessed. I also told the OM that I was going to tell my H. He strongly encouraged me not to tell, but I knew in my heart I had to. I was just looking for the right time. Every bit of advice I got from here helped give me the strength to tell him and was a huge wake up call in helping me know that I truly love my H. I know I will have no more contact with the OM. I don't know what to do next.

Hi Krissee,
I just read your other post. Good luck. I hope your H wants to rebuild and that you two have a successful recovery.

thank you. I need all the luck I can get.

Krissee,

How is it going? I hope that you and your H have started to talk. Just remember that this all will take time and a lot of patience. But you have definitely done the one thing that can help make your marriage much better. There will be scars, but there can be much progress as well.

God Bless,

JL

Krissee,

I am so glad that you told him. I so wish I had done that, instead of carrying on with the A. I am so upset now--years later---divorced and alone, that it is incredible. (I dumped OM, naturally--when the fog finally lifted.) My thoughts and prayers are with you. You did the right thing, getting out of it now--and telling your spouse.
God bless,
Hopeful

Sorry I missed this thread Krissee.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know what to do next.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1.Counseling because as much as we try to impart our collective wisdom, there is no substitute for professional counseling. As much as your H loves you, he will need the guidance of a professional to help him overcome his feelings of rage, fear, resentment that can sabotage the marital recovery.

2.If you haven't read and purchased the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' then do so and, if possible, read them with him.

3.Understand that his insults are not because he hates you but because he hates what you did (big difference). He hates the sin but not the sinner, as it should be. So don't view it as a sign that he doesn't care or love you, but as his way of expressing his hurt for what your actions did to him.

4.Come back here as often as you feel the need to because you are not alone, we BS (I'm an xBS) and WS alike are here for one another. We're like a big family of brothers and sisters.

5.Continue to share your story with others that are where you were just a short time ago. You may help save someone elses M and that is a good thing to know.

God bless you and your loved ones.

thank you again for your response and I am going to buy the books. Last night H and I talked for at least 4 hours about everything leading up to and including the A. It was sane and reasonable discussion. He is truly a wonderful man and has reacted much better than I expected. He loves me so much despite all of this. I feel more loved than ever in my life. I know we will go through ups and downs as we deal with this. MC is a possibility - we are both open to that. I told H about my self-loathing and stupidity that I feel and he understands and will try to help me through it. I will also continue to meet his EN's. Yesterday was better than the day before and the day before that. We both agreed that the impact of this is similar (or worse?) than a death. Our intimacy is excellent right now, I just hope we can keep this closeness we are experiencing right now. Thank you again and I will continue to visit to hopefully help others and get support.

This post is not a good one. It's been a week since I told my H about my A. It's been the expected roller coaster this week. The beginning of the week was better than now. Last night my H said he wasn't sure he could live with me anymore. I am truly remorseful and have provided him with all details that he requested. He doesn't seem to be able to understand that I don't have feelings for OM any more. I told him I don't but the details that he asked for are very hard for H to take. I said that I would provide as much details as he needed if it helped him to heal and if it was to help save our M. Those details seemed to be too much for him to handle. Now he doesn't know if he can life with this. We have kids and I can't bear to have our family ripped apart. I need some advice/help please. I already suggested MC but he hasn't responded. Our hearts are both broken. I have not responded negatively in any way to him during my confession. I said that I don't want a separation and then back together then apart because I can't take it and neither will our kids. The children don't know anything about this yet. My H's parents went through a period of separation when he was small and now I think he never got over it. So I suggested that we don't put our own children through the same thing. I am so sorry and begged him not to end the M but that I would respect his wishes. I asked him to please think about it for a week or two before he makes up his mind. It seems he's "planned A/B'd" me without giving me a chance. Can anyone help me with what to do next.

Hi Krissee,

I've been following your story and just wanted to give you my thoughts.
Does your H know about MB's? If not, would it be possible for you to introduce him to it? There are many of us out here that would be able to help him.
Or you might consider to print out some info that SH has written about affairs. This might help your H at the moment.
The pain he is going through is tremendous and still I really admire you for your courage.
Don't give up, his behavious is "normal". Comfort him. It'll get better within time, just don't give up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

Krissee:

I can give you my perspective on my si2ation. My W didn't end her EA after D-day, though she thought she had. She thought she could continue the "friendship" with her OM. That made it very hard for me 2 get a good plan A under way. Actually, I thought I started doing a good job just a couple of months after D-day, but now realize it 2k me more like 6 months. Now, I'm "sure" I'm doing the best I can.

I think your H may be expecting 2 much of you, and himself, this early after D-day. You both need 2 be patient. This is going 2 take a lot of work and time, and love. Consider Anti-depressants for both of you. And do all you can 2 find a good counselor and get your H 2 go with you!

all my best,

K,

I haven't followed your threads, but am struck by your sincere desire to save your marriage.

My wish for you is that you consider counseling with the Harleys. Steve Harley is who my H and I am in counseling with. As the BS I can't tell you how helpful it has been for me.

My WH has benefited tremendously from SH's advice. I know it has saved us tremendous pain. I tried to do MB principles with H&I struggling through it. Even though we both wanted to save our marriage; we made lots of mistakes applying the principles until we received coaching from SH.

We're almost 7 months from d-day; and we're managing much better; but only with the coaching. SH's goal is that H & I will be each other's coach; and stop counseling altogether. We're almost there. Good luck, and have lots of patience. You, your H, and especially your innocent children need your very best to save your family. CSue

thank you 2long and blond blossom. I have printed some information from this site for my H to read but it's still too painful for him to read anything. I will be buying some books for me to read in the hopes that he will want to read also. I will NEVER contact the OM again - there is no temptation. I also know that I will NEVER have an A again. I told my H last night that what he is feeling is worse than what he will feel like when i die. That the pain of this is greater and he will not feel this ever again from me. I am strongly committed to this - I will never hurt him in this way. I shared that the pain we have together also will never be greater than it was last night. I really believe that and that it's always darkest before the dawn. We just don't know how long this darkness will last. I told my H that he has been my only realy true love ever and no matter what he choses I will love him always. As of this hour he has not chosen to separate and that's all I can bear for now. I can only live an hour at a time. Thank you again for your kind help.

Krissee:

I would like 2 add 2 your list of recommended reading. "The Truth About Relationships" by Greg Baer. It's about "Real Love" or "unconditional love" as being what we all need. It's not about As, but it could certainly be used 2 overcome an A (that's what I'm using it for). Basically, about doing a good plan A (without the "threat" of plan B in the background of your minds, if that makes sense? - anyway, that's what's working best for me right now).

Good luck 2 both of you,

You have done the right thing in telling your husband. I know, in the wake of such sorrow and pain you're seeing in your husband, you probably question if honesty was indeed the best policy. it is.

And part of how we have recovered post D-day, which is now over a year ago, has been to continue to be honest with each other. I know many of my questions (i'm the BS) to my husband were painful to answer. I didn't know what to ask - so I asked them all!

I felt like such a fool, so I wanted to know where they went together, what they talked about, and why her? I wanted to know the sexual details - and they were painful to ask and painful to hear. But I asked and his honestly helped me put aside each matter and close the door. Some doors were opened and reshut a few times. I still reserve the right to reopen a few of them again and he knows that. My point is that by honestly revealing and exposing your weaknesses and asking for help to recover, you can recover together and affair-proof your marriage and rebuild the sense of safety you once had.

Hang in there. There are so many experts on this site that have helped me greatly. You're not alone!

Lambchop

Krissee don't despair because what he is feeling is totally normal. Yes it hurts the hell to see somebody that you love so deeply hurt because of your actions, but don't let these feelings overwhelm you. Right now you are the anchor that he needs to weather this emotional storm because, for the moment anyway, only you posses the tools needed to help save the M. You may ask 'who is going to be MY anchor?' ALL OF US HERE will be your anchor.

One of the things that almost all of us BS beleive and feel after D-day, is that we are the only ones that this has ever happened to. We are not aware that infidelity is a sickness of the soul that is very rampant all over the world. It's especially true for us men because we tend to beleive that infidelity is mostly a male oriented problem. We are also under the false beleif that our wive's fell in to an A because they were sexually dissatisfied <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . In other words, the male BS is so misinformed about the nature of A's and why they happen because of false beleifs regarding relationships like M.

There is a sense of powerlessness that is felt by the BS and it feeds the anger and rage experienced after the BS discovers the A. Many times, the way a BS tries to gain a sense of power over the whole situation is to state to the WS that s/he does not see a way to overcome this situation and that the M is over. One of the ways that a WS has helped the BS regain a sense of power and hope for the future, is by lovingly and remorsefuly stating that they understand and will not blame the BS if s/he wants the M terminated (validating the hurt). Not just one time, but every time that the BS feels hopeless and powerless. When the BS realizes that s/he indeed has the power to continue or end the M, then there is a time for reflection on whether it is wise to end a M that, on balance, has had more good things going for it than bad.

Krissee please consider what I said.

I haven't posted for awhile so I thought it would be good to update. My H and I have had quite a rollercoaster ride the last few days. He still wants me and wants our M. Things are a little better today. He wanted more details which I provided to him even though it was painful. He seems better now. We are continuing to spend a lot of time together. I've tried to start reading but it is a little too painful right now because we're still dealing with my H's questions and all of his emotions. I feel stronger now than last week and really feel we are going to make this M work. We both broke down for different reasons last week and the pain we felt was intense. I realized how much he does love me and was totally afraid that I would lose this precious love if he chose to leave me. I think he needed to see that I was deeply sorry (again) but in a different way. I really know that he was going to leave and it broke my heart. I knew all along that he had that choice and told him many times, but it didn't really sink it until I knew it would almost definitely be happening. He had already made arrangements for somewhere else to live. Call it coincidence or results of prayer, for some reason circumstances changed and he didn't follow up on that. Partly because he thought of how much his family loves me, how much the children would be affected, how much he loves me. I had prayed that God would guide us through this as I was helpless to do anything else. Not sure yet if we want MC - my H said that he felt the MC would only have to explain to him how he can get thoughts of OM from his head. H is meeting my EN's and I was always meeting his, but this has been a huge LB for him. We seem to have a small amount of peace about things today. Our children remain unaffected as we have been able to deal with all of this in private. Life does go on and we are taking tiny steps forward. I guess we really never had problems with arguments or insults or anything like that so we don't have huge hurdles. We just need to spend more time together, he needs to take care of my EN's, I need to express my needs better. He is being kind and considerate. Too good to be true? I know there will be bumps ahead for us. Thanks everyone for your advice. You have been a tremendous help.

Krissee I'm so glad that your H decided to not leave you. But it really doesn't surprise me because it seems from your posts that the two of you have had a good M. Like I said in my last post, your H has probably had time to reflect and judged the M to have more positives than negatives.

As much as it is painful to do so, please make an effort to read the books for not only do they reveal the truth, but they give good advice on moving forwards while avoiding the things that will move you backwards.

Good bless you and your loved ones.

My heart jumped a little when I read that you said "it seemed like you two had a good marriage". That is so true - that underneath we did have something special. We are working on getting that back. It's SO important to me. Long ago when we first met we were crazy about each other and I feel we can be again. It's just the last couple of years that we let things slide. I am so thankful for my good life and love. I'll really try to buy and read the books soon. There has been so many wonderful suggested readings through this site. It will be part of the healing process. Thanks again and I will try to check back. I would have not been as articulate and could have screwed things up more if I had tried to handle everything on my own without the wise words of advice from this site.

Krissee,

You said something that I thought you might want to clarify or consider differently.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my H said that he felt the MC would only have to explain to him how he can get thoughts of OM from his head. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A good MC can do much more than that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H is meeting my EN's and I was always meeting his, but this has been a huge LB for him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This statement sets my teeth on edge. You may think you were meeting his needs as evidenced that he didn't have an affair but clearly he wasn't happy enough to keep you happy was he? Harley makes this statement: "unmet needs never cause an affair" or something very close to this. His point is the affair had nothing to do with unmet needs, it had to do with your decision making and you inability to communicate with your H. The unmet needs set the tone of the marriage, it/they don't naturally lead to affairs.

I suspect that is why your comment that you were "always meeting his" sets his teeth on edge. He probably had a need for a faithful truthful spouse. You sure didn't meet those.

My point? It is good that he is meeting your needs. It is good that it makes you realize he loves you. It is great that you now appreciate this. But you meeting his needs has nothing to do with you having an affair and I suspect he feels you are rubbing his nose in the fact that you view him as a failure and therefore you had an affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We seem to have a small amount of peace about things today. Our children remain unaffected as we have been able to deal with all of this in private. Life does go on and we are taking tiny steps forward.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is really really good news. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess we really never had problems with arguments or insults or anything like that so we don't have huge hurdles. We just need to spend more time together, he needs to take care of my EN's, I need to express my needs better. He is being kind and considerate. Too good to be true? I know there will be bumps ahead for us. Thanks everyone for your advice. You have been a tremendous help. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to do a few things as well. It isn't just him meeting your needs. He definitely has a need for an honest and faithful W. You need to express your needs better, but you would be well advised to revisit his needs and his pain, because I can assure his top needs have changed right now. Where sex may have been #1, I will bet honesty and openness have moved up considerably right now. Krissee you have a lot of work to do and him meeting your EN's won't save this marriage. It will help, and it is needed, but that isn't why you decided to have the affair is it?? "You didn't say to yourself, he isn't meeting my EN's I think I will have an affair."

My point is for you to be very careful, not to try and shift blame for your decisions and actions to your H. He didn't want any of this, you did. I you may not think so you are in your mind but your words seem to convey this idea that this was really his fault. So please think about this and review what you really mean. It will help your H to overcome the images and what he has lost.

Hope something I have said helps. Must go.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess we really never had problems with arguments or insults or anything like that so we don't have huge hurdles. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was our life, pre-A. So, I am guessing the issues in your marriage are similar to the one's in ours. If so, the following may offer you some helpful insights. Just take what applies to you, and leave the rest.

We were both conflict avoiders. (interestingly enough, there is one web site on marriage that classifies affairs by type. One is called the "conflict avoidance" affair.) Avoiding conflict was what killed the intimacy in our relationship. The biggest change we have made and are continuing to learn to make is how to deal with conflict constructively. I would avoid conflict because my instinct was to yell and verbally attack my wife. Knowing that was not a good approach, I just stuffed the feelings back, and did not address the things that made me angry or hurt or frustrated. The anger seeped out as depression. My wife, on the other hand, told herself "My feelings about X don't matter, because all-in-all he is a great husband, so I will just ignore how I feel about this one thing." She was so successful at that it is scary (lots of things she ignored so well she does not even remember them). But, for both of us, this avoidance of conflict resulted in us not knowing each other, not being really honest and open with each other, and feeling emotionally disconnected.

Gary Smalley says: "Conflict is the doorway to intimacy." I adopted that as my favorite quote for a while. Eventually, I decided that: "Learning to express one's feelings without starting a conflict is the key to intimacy." was a better description of my experience. Harley's concepts of Radical Honesty, the POJA and avoiding Love Busters were the things I needed to apply to my life. I also make it a point to try to draw out my wife's feelings about things, since she is less likely than I to volunteer that information.