to just learning - I really needed to read your message and I read it twice. this is helpful to me b/c I'm trying hard NOT to indicate at all that the A was H's fault. I really know and accept that it was my fault. I'm just struggling now on how to gain his trust back. Ya, meeting EN's is not going to keep our M together. It will take much more than that. I want so badly to show him how much I love him, how much he CAN trust me now. I hug him, kiss him, talk with him as much as I can. Last night we had a conflict with one of our children. I came home and got the tail end of what happened. My old self would have shut down emotionally and probably left the room. My new self took my H aside and sat with him, looked him in the eyes and told him that what he felt/said was real, was right and was important about our child. I told him I love him and I will stand by him no matter what. I told him it's o.k. to feel hurt and that I am so sorry for this pain that he has. His pain was dealing with the conflict with our child, but I knew it was much more than that. I was the source of some of that pain. I reassured him that I will never leave him and that he is a good man. I stuck by how wonderfully he handled our child. He is an amazing father and I wanted him to know that.

I'm sorry if I sounded like I was blaming my H for my A. I was at a standstill on how to help him and thought I should just let him handle his feelings on his own. Last night was a chance for me to show him how much I love him.

I will do whatever it takes to earn his trust back and any more suggestions you have I will be willing to hear.

I will try to discuss MC again with him as I think we could use a neutral third party to weed through this mess I made.

to johnh39 - thank you for responding. I need help right now on how to help my H, how to show him I love him, how to deal with EVERYTHING in our M. We had a lot of conflict with our S for the past three years and it had taken it's toll. It still is but I'm trying to deal with it in a different way now. I can relate to some of what you said about avoiding conflict because we had so much conflict with our S that we had little energy left to work on any conflict between us. Perhaps some of this is still buried and we need to dig through it? Scary thought. Any advice u can give me on what to do to help my H is much appreciated. Thanks.

Krissee,

You don't have to apologize to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We are hear to provide a bit of a sanity check and to point out things that might not be obvious to people such as yourself.

I think you need to understand that gaining his trust is really very simple (I have a joke about the difference between simple and easy if you want to hear it).

You give it plenty of time, you have a lot of patience with yourself and your H AND you consistently over many months and yes years show him that you will do what you say and say what you do. Eventually, he will come to realize that again he can predict what you will do and are doing in any given situation. Once, he is comfortable that he can make these predictions, you will see his trust really go up.

Another realization that only he can achieve is that whether he trusts you or not, he cannot control you and he will come to believe that you won't hurt him again. Then there will be trust.

So give it plenty of Time and Patience.

I don't know the age of the child you are having trouble with, but my one suggestion is to present a united front to this child. You two may disagree on a solution, but somehow (the POJA is a great way to do this) you two must decide on a path and back each other in your actions.

I hope this finds you feeling better. Please realize that you cannot help him heal. He must do this himself. What you can do is show him it is worth it to heal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless

JL

Krissee just thought I tell you that I think you're doing a fantastic job of rebuilding trust with your H. Like JL said, it will take time and patience, so don't get discouraged by the occsasional bump on the road.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My old self would have shut down emotionally and probably left the room. My new self took my H aside and sat with him, looked him in the eyes and told him that what he felt/said was real, was right and was important about our child.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't sell yourself short that your H doesn't see these changes in you Krissee. He may not acknoweledge his perception of them to you, but I would bet that he does notice them.

Since your fling happened while you were on a business trip, how are you planning on handling any future business trips? I ask because your H now knows that your A happened while you were away on business, and it would be naive not to realize that a future business trip of yours would not be a huge trigger for him. My concern is not you repeating your mistake but how he would react to knowing that you would be in the same kind of settings that facilitated your A. I bring this up not to cause you distress but for you to find an answer that will minimize any trigger effects that might surface as a result of your job demands.

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

So far no business trips planned, but I have a plan for that. I promised H that I would call frequently and leave a number for him to reach me anytime while I'm away. This might help a little. It's a little difficult to prove where I am/will be while I'm away, so that's going to be tough on him. I know that I have no temptation to contact OM. I still feel foolish (among other negative feelings) for ever starting the A. H has to travel for work sometimes but not very often so I'm glad that we won't be apart any time soon. H and I are united on our thoughts about our S. He has been a source of stress for both of us.

I bought some of the books you've mentioned and we are starting to read them. We're taking this M one day at a time still and things are going relatively well. My H is very affectionate and passionate to me and we are so close. We talked about the A again last night and I'm staying open to more questions. I tell him I'm sorry about the A often and when it's appropriate. He said he was feeling good how I supported him over our S and that he felt there was hope he could trust me again. I think it's time for POJA.

We haven't decided on MC yet but haven't ruled it out. I'll go to MC when H is ready. Thanks for your help.

Krissee,

I just wanted to let you know that it's nice to see you're making good progress . My thoughts and prayers are with you. Reading all of the posts here is helpful to me, too--thanks to all who respond to others' experiences here.

It was especially heartwarming to read that someone here felt you had a 'good' marriage before the A. It's funny, but people always felt that way about my marriage--that it was good. I felt it was good, too. Many people who don't have understanding about A's think that there's no way an A can happen in a fairly 'happy' marriage. I think it can, as I certainly felt 'happy' in mine for years and years. Poor communication, yes. But an overall 'bad' marriage, no.

I need to order the SAA book an learn much more!

Take care and keep up the great job,
HP

I hope I'm getting this right. Last night we had a bit more troubles with our S. We dealt with it positively and I feel, very effectively. My H and I felt sad and scared a little after because we are dealing with so much right now trying to move forward after my A. Anyway, I want to know if I did the right thing. At one point after we addressed our S's problem, we were feeling rather helpless and victimized. I came up with a step-by-step plan with how to deal with S if another problem occurs. I told my H that I feel stronger now that the A is out in the open and that I can now deal with family problems much better. He was not as strong over this and I don't blame him. I do, however, want to help him, so without taking away his dignity (I was very careful about this), I told him about this step-by-step plan and how if we want to parent effectively, we need to prevent our child from abusing his priviledges. H was sad and somewhat shattered feeling last night. I held him and hugged him and told him we can get through this. Today he is better and apologized for internalizing our son's problem and linking the A with the son's difficulties. H had been short with me a little, but I was o.k. about it. Our old selves would have probably argued about S's problems and then gone in separate rooms for the evening.

I really love my H and I hope I'm getting this right. Is this how I can earn H's trust back - knowing that he can count on me? Would you want your spouse to do what I did? Would this make H feel weak or supported? Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Would you want your spouse to do what I did? Would this make H feel weak or supported? Any thoughts would be much appreciated.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great questions, but ask your H, not us!!!

Krissee,

Yes, ask your H, but more importantly ask yourself. If you were in your H's shoes what would you be feeling and what would you want done to help. THEN, talk to your H about this.

Krissee, one thing you need to understand. If you are doing something with the good of the other person at heart you really cannot go wrong for long. Something may be misinterpretted, but that can easily be cleared up, when the goal, the intentions, and the effort is there.

It is very very difficult to deal with a child who has problems or is in trouble. It is so hard to do things that on the short term may make them feel pain, but in the long term will help them. Clearly, they don't have the ability to make or bound themselves as you need to set boundaries for them or they wouldn't be in trouble. This means they understand what you and H are doing even less. Just remember although your S won't, that all three of you are a team, and really you and your H are a team.

If you have a plan that you think will work for your S, definitely tell your H and you don't need to apologize for it.

If you love your H, the just keep remembering you are a team and what one does reflects on the other. So make sure that you and he are getting what you need from one another.

Must go. More to say, but not enough time.

God Bless,

JL