My H and I have been separated for almost a month now and i am going crazy without him. If i don't speak to him one day or if he doesn't call our son, i assume he is in a relationship and it is over with us for good. The thing i am fighting with is not calling him myself, which i am working very hard at.

I know he is not having an A with the OW that broke up our marriage, but now i am wondering since we are separated if he has moved on with other people. I have asked him that under any circumstance to please be honest and up front with me as i will be more devastated to find out from someone else, and i am trying to rely on the fact that we have an incredible relationship and his respect for me does mean something. Then of course i slide into some kind of abyss and a million bad thoughts go through my head until i want to call him and say "were you planning on calling your son", although i know this is unhealthy-it is driving me crazy.

Our whole separation is because he decided that he is having a very hard time living with what he did to me and he still struggles with feelings for this OW that he hadn't spoken to in 5 months (POSTED under "Can you repair after an affair"), he was very honest about how much he loves me, and he cried for 2 weeks before he left, but 4 weeks later he is "cooler" to me now and really doesn't want to approach the subject of where we are right now. REalistically i know it hasn't yet been a month so i need to give him space if i want this to work, on the other hand i am so frustrated and impatient that i want an answer now.

Please help me, i don't want to push him away-which i am very likely to do with my constant need to talk to him and know how he is feeling..When do i push for a lawyer, when do i give him an ultimatum...I know there is infinite wisdom out there, so i look forward to hearing from you.....

Hi, Zachsmom.

I see you are Canadian--me,too--I live in the west but hail from the east!

Are you two in any kind of counselling? Even if H won't go, you should go to help you sort out the feelings that are causing you such anguish.

I hope some of the "oldies" (sorry for calling you that, experienced posters!) will join in with advice about Plan A. I think it is not good for you to be apart if he is struggling with feelings for OW and trying to forgive himself for hurting you.

It sounds like he realizes he does truly love you. Extend as much forgiveness toward him as you can--help him to see that you are willing to move past the pain and you are miserable without him.

As a FWS, the guilt is phenomenal in those early days. It never really leaves one entirely but life does get better--the cliche that time heals wounds does contain some truth.

I often recommend that people try dating again. It seems that a lot of marriages that go wrong totally skipped the courtship phase before marriage. Do you think he could do that for you? Meet once a week for coffee and try to work on rebuilding your relationship? I hope so. Also, he needs to be there for his son and for you to have a break from your child, too.

In the meantime, do some things for your own self-care. Call on friends to look after you. Don't be ashamed that it's a needy time emotionally. You would do the same thing for them if the tables were turned.

Hang in there. Hugs,

Zachsmom,

I hear you! Believe me I do! I have been living on my own in an apt. for just over a month, and haven't talked to my H in about 6 weeks (since Aug. 14th I believe). I too fought with not contacting my H. I missed him like crazy and would've done anything to talk to him. BUT I was afraid of pushing him away just like you say.

I tried to contact him twice in non-agressive ways, once with a brief note, and a second time with a brief email. I tried to suggest that we try being in contact and maybe spending time together. He gave me no response, so I am going to leave him completely alone. I don't want to be accused of interfering in his life. I would prefer to have him come back to me willingly rather than if I have to go after him. (We agreed to trying 3 months apart - so when 3 mos is up I will contact him then if he doesn't contact me though).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> REalistically i know it hasn't yet been a month so i need to give him space if i want this to work, on the other hand i am so frustrated and impatient that i want an answer now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you and your H agree to a month (or some other specific time period) with no contact? You make it sound somewhat like that was the case.

So where did you guys leave things at? Did you agree not to talk for a certain amount of time? Did you agree to wait for him to contact you? Whatever you agreed upon will have to affect how, when and whether you should contact him.

Maybe a gentle and brief note reminding your H how much you love him and want to make things work wouldn't be a bad idea, but that depends on the conditions you both agreed to I suppose. I wish I could say something more encouraging. Perhaps if you could explain a bit further I could help you more.

Take care!

Jen

PS: The one thing that confuses me about your post is you say your H was involved with an OW, but your signature line describes you as a WS and your H as a BS. So who had the affair? Both of you had one??? Sorry if I am guessing wrong, perhaps you can explain. I should take the time to read your other thread, but I don't have time just now.

Thank you Jen and Freshstart,

Sorry i did notice the confusion on my profile...My H and i have not agreed to any specific time line and he has even said he has not problem with me e-mailing him or calling him but what is frustrating is i will e-mail a sweet note and he will not respond, or leave an emotional voice mail and he does not respond. I almost feel like he has shut down on me and that is so frustrating. He originally wanted us to get into couselling but has since decided after a few sessions that he thinks they are quacks (he hates to open up)....

Believe me, i tell him all the time i love him and miss him, i tell i want to work on this....But i do admit that i feel very panicky at times and my trust goes right out the window, so i am sure that scares him whether i am in the right or not. I think the dating thing is good, we have awesome conversations, and really enjoy chatting, only problem is that i want to talk about us and future and he says he cannot do that yet...So do i sit and be patient or make him see it is now or never-smarten up??