My H and I have been M for 11 yrs, and have 2 beautiful, intelligent sons, ages 5 and 6. We are both educators, and both teach at different schools. About 3 years ago, H developed a "friendship" with OW which I did not condone. They joined the same gym, and although we had an argument about it, he hid the fact that they were working out together for 6 months. When I found out, I hit the roof. Babies at that time were ages 2 and 3. OW is also married with a child the same age as my youngest. H contended that this was truly just a friendship, but I had been warned about OW for several years prior to this revelation. Even someone who knew where he teaches told me about OW (her colorful history)long before this friendship began, and I brushed it off. Well, obviously, when they began spending time together, I really did not like it because I had heard of her past. Evidently this wasn't her first rodeo. H excuse for not telling me they were working out? He said he knew how I'd react, and he didn't want to go through it because NOTHING was going on between them. Well, I got over this, then they began "walking" at the track together after they worked out. I did not like this at all, either. In Oct of 2000, I found out he took her to my family's lakehouse while I was away with my grandparents and mom with the boys. Of course, in retrospect, I should have made him choose then, but he still contended this was a "Friendship" and why would he take her to my family's place if they were going to do anything inappropriate when anyone could ride up on them? Well, this made sense to me. I have very low self esteem, and my husband is very handsome (people tell me this often) and the OW is blonde, buxom, and well fit (of course, she works out with my H!). Anyway, I agreed to trust him. He is (or maybe was) a strong Christian who went to church every Sunday, and doesn't drink, smoke, or anything. So, I figured he is of high moral character, and he could resist temptation. I decided to keep my marriage together I would allow this relationship to continue, but that I wanted to know when they would be doing things together. I also had guilt because I had run up credit cards that he did not know about, and I finally told him of this in May of 2001, which prompted Dday #2. This lasted a few days, then he wanted it back, to work on things financially, but "just for the boys". So I went back, and, although I didn't know it at the time, I was doing Plan A--I worked 2 jobs to help pay back the debt (one as a teacher/other as a manager of restaurant on weekends). I"m 1/2 way through with debt (it had gotten to $15,000--ashamedly on my part, but I took out a loan in my name and have paid 1/2 of it off. Learned a big lesson, and won't get into that again.). I did this for a year, all the while knowing he and OW were spending more and more time together, as "friends" even with our kids and her kid present. Anyway, Dday #3 occurred when he told me, almost out of the blue, in June of this year, he was unhappy and wanted to move on with his life. He couldn't get over the debt, etc (he has always been tight with money), and wanted to move on. His famous words were "I do not know the future" I was devastated. I asked if he was going to pursue a relationship with OW, he said "I do not know the future" (you get the picture). He said he did not "cheat" on me, but wanted out. OW, by the way, has a spouse, too, so he said, he couldn't do that anyway because she is married. Still contended "just friends". Well, he kept the boys that following weekend (separated on a Monday), and Sunday night called me, sorrowful, saying we could work this out. He did not want boys to grow up insecure (something had happened, and my little one had cried, making him feel guilty, I suppose). I told him the main thing to me was this "friendship" and he said he would not see OW for the rest of the summer (we are all teachers, so we had time off). He even talked to my family about taking over my job at the restaurant (family owned) for me to go back to school to work on Masters degree. They agreed, happy he was wanting to do this. I asked him many times if he was sure he wanted this (us back together), before I went ahead with signing up classes, etc for master's. He said he did. 10 days passed, and I realized he had began emailing OW again. They started working out, even though I reminded him of his pledge to work on us, not to see her. He said they were only going to work out, nothing more. (I still believed in him). Well, then I got the phone bill (had itemized local calls) and saw he called her when I was at school. Then a neighbor (who knew OW in school) informed me of her car being at my house after I had mentioned how I didn't like their "friendship" but trusted him. Well, Dday #4 occurred as a result of an argument that happened when I was going to go to class one night. He was getting boys ready to go somewhere, and said that they were going to go "work out" at gym, and boys were going too. (OW often brought her daughter, and they played together while H and OW walked at the track--something that makes me very angry now--that my boys know they were "friends" before our split). I asked if we couldn't do something together that next night, and he said he had plans. Anyway, I finally told him I knew her car had been over at the house, he said they were watching a movie one day, and why was other people into his business? Stupid me, I believed him. Told him I didn't like not knowing, and that if they were going to do that, to please let me know. He wanted a separation because he felt the same way he did at the beginning of the summer. "no love" for me.
ANYWAY, I got into his email that Saturday night when he was at the restaurant. Found out they were both planning on leaving their spouses, and I also found that physical affair had began when we were separated in June. That continued through the summer, while I was away at class. They think they are "in love" and want to end their marriages so they can be together.
People who know OW tell me that she probably viewed him as a challenge (Christian man, faithful, etc). They tell me it is unlikely that she will leave her husband for him and think that my H will be a "plaything" for her for a while. My only problem with this theory is that they have been so intimately involved emotionally for 3 years now, and I wonder if it just can't be love.
My sons (especially the little one who is a "daddy's boy") are hurting now. We have been separated 3 weeks, he is living with his sister in another town. He has seen boys 4 times (never overnight) in 23 days, which kills me since he is supposed to be a "good" father. (In one email, that was one reason OW loved him, he was such a good father--she understood if he chose to stay because of it--yuck yuck). My problem is I have been holding on for so long to this, I don't know what to do. I plan to move out of the house to rent another house with the boys closer to the school where I teach (also closer to school they attend--they were going to the system where I taught). (as it is now, I drive 50 mins to school--I want to move closer to family/work friends for support). WH doesn't know that I"m leaving yet, I plan to tell him today or tomorrow that i'll need some money from him to put a downpayment down on a house for us to rent. Then I'll let him move back in the house (which he's away on his choice anyway).
HELP me. I need support. I"ve been praying, and I DO find solace in the Word. The Bible is full of warnings about adulterous women, and I see he is falling away. I'm very close to his family, and they are saddened by this, but of course, they love him. Oh, WH had been really sick (strange because in past 11 years of working, he never took a sick day and now he had to take 6 in a row). He had a septal hematoma in his nose, and required surgery. He had stayed with his mother druing this time. Also during this time (about a week), he didn't see the boys because too sick.
My perfect world? For him to realize what he is doing and agree to move away from OW and find another job closer to my school-even at my school if possible. I hope he will realize that (I think) this is mostly driven by lust right now. I said he is tight with money, and this woman spends $100 on her hair every month--wears designer everything, etc. I don't see this as a match made in heaven. But, I'm worried he will continue it as long as she does thinking he is in love, considering we have only both had just us for all of our lives. (he was my first date/relationship, and I was his, too). I have never experienced heartbreak before, and it's about to kill me.
Now, I regret the credit card debt, and I was trying my best to correct it by getting the other job (although the money spent on the cards was for the family, not just me). The other problems he has had with me was that I didn't keep a clean enough house (although that is better now than it was earlier in marriage--I have learned through "flylady" on the net because my mother is not a housekeeper, either). Also, I'm about 20 lbs heavier now than I was when we married, (heavier than that a few years ago, but have lost 30 lbs over the past 2 years).
Please, someone who has experienced this, tell me what my next move should be. I trusted him that this was a "Friendship" until this month, when I found out the real truth, but I do believe that the sexual stuff just happened this summer. (he came clean to me about it when confronted). Would I like him back? Yes, under the circumstances that he move to where I'm going to be. I have no desire to stay in my house where they slept together. (although he says they didn't sleep in our bed--small consolation, I know) Problem is, he doesn't want it back. Do they usually want it back eventually? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ? Many of my friends say yes, but usually after the BS has decided to move on and doesn't want it anymore. Should I Plan B? He has agreed to give me anything I want in the D, he just wants out.
Well, this is my story, please comment. Thanks!
I'm tired of crying.....

Kimmy
It's raining here, I had lots of time to fool around on the computer today,and I've read your long post. Welcome to Marriage Builders; sorry to meet under these circumstances. I'm especially sorry you are having to go through this with two young children. I know this period of your life is very hard, but you WILL get through it.

Let me begin by encouraging you to read all the information available here, not just the Forums but the Concepts section too. You may want to purchase some of the books, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair" which are both available in local bookstores too. "Surviving An Affair" outlines in detail Plan A & B, which will help you GREATLY in discerning how to respond and act.

You are to be commended for trying to correct behavior (credit card debt). That should be one of the things your H should see that you're trying to improve. That being said, however, he is in what is commonly known here as "the fog" and may not notice anything of consequence as long as he's wrapped up with the OW. Use this time to work on YOU, to be the best kimmy2 you can be.

Are you seeing a counselor? Even seeing one alone w/o hubby can help. Insurance can possibly pay for it (especially if you work for the state as a teacher). A local counselor who is "solution based" (more pro-active) as opposed to the "rogerian" type of counseling would be great. I started with a local guy but have switched to talking with Steve Harley here at MB. He's a very positive coach, and even if it does cost more, I feel it's worth it at this point in my situation.

Also, you don't mention what state you are in. Have you consulted a lawyer? If your H has been talking divorce, you need to speak to a lawyer ASAP. Not that you want to go in that ultimate direction, but to protect yourself and your children. It is very important to know your rights and to know what custody options you have. You may want to visit some sites which provide info regarding the legalities of divorce in different states. I recommend Divorce Info, and Divorce Source. But visiting these are not a substitute for talking to a lawyer in person. They will just give you some background info in order to be prepared when you DO talk to the lawyer (and to save time & money).

Just remember, we all have felt what you are feeling. There is a lot of support and good advice here, and others might post to this thread too.

kimmy2...

I had to leave and come back... so familiar is your story... my heart is in my throat.

My H also had an affair w/ a co-worker. They also 'involved' the kids by 'hiding' their affair in front of them. "I wouldn't be inappropriate in front of our boys." They were 'just friends.' She even called me to reassure me that she was very much 'in-love' with her husband... and I bought it.

My H, OW and I are also teachers. OW and I even taught at the same school and were friendly. When the affair occurred, they were teaching at the same school and I at another. I liked her. She's a year or so older than me... but even after a couple of kids stayed a size 6. I have always fought the weight battle... plus developed psoriasis over much of my body after the birth of my first boy.

I also had heard rumors about her and even some men I knew told me that she was 'on so-and-so's jock.' But I was never sure... I'm pretty much a pollyanna at heart and have trouble seeing the worst in some one... that sure changed... I directed all my HATE and ANGER at her... when in truth she only deserved part of it... because she did 'befriend me' during their affair... invited our family over to a barbeque... invited me to her daughter's 1st birthday party... when all the while she was 'playing footsie' with my H and laughing at me... the fat, ugly wife...

I have boys... three of them...9, 6 and 3. I also thought... because he told me so... that he would never step out on me... that marriage was for life... because he was so firm in in Faith and love for God... but we had strayed from our walk.

The rollercoaster you are on is a bumpy one... full of the lowest lows and the highest highs. I gather that you are a Christian as well? Hold on to that tightly. My H and I attended a church regularly for most of our marriage... but circumstances developed and we quit... mostly me... I was overworked and over tired and wanted Sundays to myself... once d-day hit... I knew the only One to help me was God... we were lucky enough (or led) to a WONDERFUL church... and were recently baptised (TOGETHER) and are born-again...

Do you have "Surviving an Affair?" by the Harleys... By reading it and this site, you will start to breathe again... you will know, unfortunately, that what you are going through is not new nor unique... and there is comfort in that.

Once you have read about plan A and B... you decide which is best for you... 6 months or so is the time line for plan A... another 18 for plan B... I know... when I first started coming here... I couldn't imagine lasting 2 days... let alone 2 years... but here I am... 18 months later... and my marriage on its way to restoration and my relationship with my H nearing reconciliation...

It is a hard journey... but you have already made some first steps by recognizing some of your 'faults' and starting to 'fix' them. (Expect your WH to say... "Why did you wait until now to fix them... why did I have to do THIS... but accept none of the BLAME for his affair... only responsibility for your share of the marriage!)

Become the BEST you YOU can... see Crisis as Opportunity... and you will find a great support system here...

Good luck...
Cali

Cali and Avondale, thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply. It means a lot, truly. I didn't mean for my original post to be so long, but I felt all was necessary to tell "my story".
Cali, it sounds like we are kindred spirits. I also blame the OW more in my situation, for I looked at her as the aggressor, and from her reputation, it is easy for me to see it that way, although I know he's to blame, too. I'm really upset, especially since he hasn't taken the time to be with the boys like he should.
Anyway, I am working on me, because I have realized over the past year, that is the only thing I can do. I have to be happy, and I think I will, with God's help. It's the uncertainty that's bothering me. I sure would like to know how this all works out. I've heard the statistics of how long the A's last, but that is not too comforting to me because there is always that "exception" and I may be it. I'm having a lot of anger issues, but I'm trying to resolve that by reading the Bible. It really helps.
Anyway, please keep me in your prayers. I don't know what's going to happen, and I want to be happy, preferably with my H. He deserves better than that OW, and I think I could give it to him if he could focus on us instead of her.
Thanks again. (gotta learn how to shorten my posts!)...

PS, I drove by her house this afternoon and saw the OW's H in the yard hitting golf balls. Evidently, after we have been separated for 3 weeks, she hasn't made the break. (I know she'd keep the house because it's on her family's land, plus I saw her car there). Also, what is the suggestion on letting the OW's spouse know of the situation? I have proof, printed email letters, and should I contact him?

[[[kimmy2]]]

How it will end up... if we only had a magic ball... this is the toughest, yet easiest thing we can do... put our trust and hope in God...

as for telling OWs H... Since she had involved me in her life... through barbeque and birthday party... plus... I knew her H through work (he taught for awhile, too)... I did call her H... it was a spontaneous thing... not meant to hurt her or 'rat her out'... though that is what she took it as...

... I wouldn't recommend it right away... it is hard to keep the focus on your own marriage and relationship... but that is best... OW, her H, their marriage is just a distraction...

Cali

Hi Kimmy
A word of caution about your "proof". Keep it in a safe place, preferably NOT at YOUR house. I've seen too many stories where the WS found them. My lawyer keeps mine, but perhaps you have a very trusted friend or relative who could keep a file for you.

As for telling the OW's husband, I agree with Cali, just wait a little while and see how things play out. It's possible he already knows, anyway. Remember, just because you're still sharing a house doesn't mean everything going on inside is like Father Knows Best. I'm sure it would allow you to vent a little, and give some feelings of vindication, but giving it a little more time would allow you more time to get stronger, thereby presenting a more lucid case if you do tell him.

What about emotional support for you? You indicated when you move you'll be closer to friends/family...what do you have right now? It seems your husband has family nearby, is yours too far away? That is one way to watch out for yourself, to have people (in addition to venting here) who are willing to share your burden and stand with you in prayer. I have two very close friends at church who I can dump on and who will pray with me - it's a big blessing. If you don't have that, I really encourage you to find someone in person in addition to posting here (which is also great).

<small>[ September 29, 2002, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Thanks for the replies, again. To answer the questions about family, H and I lived 1 hr or so away from both of our families. We live in the rural south, and since we are high school sweethearts, our families live within a 20 mile radius of each other. In fact, I teach at the high school where I graduated, so I'll be very close to both families (just 3 miles down the road from his mom and dad, in fact).

I have been discussing this with my family, mostly an aunt (who lives near where I'm moving to) who has been through this, and she wants me to get mad and let him be by himself for a while. Her opinion is that he's never been truly alone, (we began dating when I was 15, he was 17, we are now 31 and 33), and that he'll see that not everyone is as nice as I am, but that he won't see it if I'm still nice and sweet to him because he's got the best of both worlds. (I've been trying to meet his EN's for quite some time, feeling as though I've been losing him for a long time).

I've come to a decision, though, and that is there would have to be drastic changes if he ever decides to want it back. My 5 year old boy is experiencing separation anxiety, and doesn't want me to be away from him at all. He was a Daddy's boy, and spent a lot of time with his dad, but H has not spent anytime with him lately (only seen him 4 times in 3 week period-never overnight) If he can't see me, then he starts crying. This truly upsets me because until now, we have had emotionally stable and happy children. I don't want to get back with H out of his guilt only to have my boy go through this again should he change his mind (again).

I'm sick today, so I didn't get to go to church. I feel badly about that, because God has been my leaning stone, and I enjoy services. I'm still praying for peace.

Thanks for your input. It helps to get other's opinions. My aunt is too close to the situation, and I am not sure if her advice is the best thing, so it's nice to get other's suggestions.

My dear,

I'm going through the exact same thing only when I discovered my H's A I threw him out of the house and he is living on his own. We too are suffering large debts that are extra pressure but I truly think that you must start plan B for your healing. I turned to God for strength and I am stronger. I feel your pain and I hope you think of only yourself and pray as much as you can. God is watching over you and the best will happen for you. You must find your own home and focus on your familly and friends. My H and I are still separated but by losing me he has finally realised his loss and the punishment of that is making him see the consequences of his actions. The pain and confusion of the separation is still fresh and I as a result have taken to heavy smoking when I used to be a non-smoker. Even though I still miss him I know that being on my own is helping in my healing and in a way is teaching my husband a lesson in growing up. Please know that you are an acheiver, a successful person and you deserve to be happy and God has special plans for you and you will be happy again either whith your H or someone who appreciates you. I think he will one day wake up and see the light but in the mean time focus on your healing and be connected with the people who are positive in your life.
My heart is with you!!
You'll be alright and you are smart enough to make the right decision that I have faith in.
Take care!!!