Hi, We're new to this forum but have enjoyed reading all the important issues posted. Here's our situation if you could please help. We've been married 8 years (got married at 18), we also have 2 daughters 5 & 8.

Wife's story: About a year ago I met a guy online. I wasn't looking for an affair, just a friend. I've never had any intentions of cheating on my H. First off my H works graveyard so I have all night by myself. After the kids would go to bed is when I would go online. I would chat with a guy for hours, we had so much in common that a conversation with him felt so nice. One day we decided to meet, just as friends. I planned and paid for a motel room for him, which he intended in paying me back. I met him at the hotel and we went to dinner. After dinner we went dancing with friends, we all had a great time. The problem was, my H questioned me before hand, and I denied it. Basically I lied straight to his face. The night we were supposed to meet, my H said "You do what you think is best." He was allowing a chance to make the right decision and to make up for all of my previous lies. I knew it would bother him but I went regardless, I felt terrible after that. One year later I find myself doing the same thing again with a different guy, we haven't met yet. I'm not looking for the OM. I'm just looking for a friend, but I'm lying and hiding it from him AGAIN!! I don't blame him for never believing me again, but it's so hard to accept that it's my fault for lying. I don't want to lie to him, but for some reason after last year, I did it again. Now that my H and I are talking about things I've told my friend that I needed some time to work on my family and myself. I felt relieved after and know it's the right thing to do. I want to make right what I've made wrong. Why am I so compelled to make male friends instead of female friends? Why do I feel like I have to hide things from my H? Where do I go from here? How do I repair this?

Husband's story: A year ago I knew my wife was chatting with a guy online on a friendship basis, I was always ok with it. One day I got home from work and by accident discovered that she had just planned some sort of get together without ever saying a word to me. To say the least I freaked out, I immediately confronted my wife on it and she denied it. We talked for hours until I discovered her intentions were innocent, she just wanted to meet him as a friend, despite our turmoil I told her to do what she felt was right that night, she decided to go anyways. It took a lot of patience and talking but we got through that. What was still unsettleing for me was that I would catch her in some white lies every once in awhile. A year later, last week, again I knew of a new online friendship she had started and again thought nothing of it. Until I got some bad vibes one day. I started to see some behavior that was out of character, so I questioned her. Again there was denial of any wrong doing, but my suspicion was too strong. After much contemplation I decided to read the archive of their conversation from the previous night and discovered more unnerving news. I learned she had attempted to contact him by phone on previous occasions, which she said was just a friendship attempt. That night she shared some of our very private photographs of herself with him and he shared one of his. After more conversation she called him that night and they spoke on the phone till 4am and had planned to meet him at a public place that day. After reading this I again confronted her, she confessed most of it but again said it was nothing but friends talking and denied agreeing to meet him. Well it's been a tough week to say the least, despite of this situation she continued to have "chat" contact with him on a nightly basis, and insisted she just wanted someone to talk to and it's just a friendship. Despite all my anguish and our long talking sessions I still saw deception and lies which she denied. After discovering your forums I shared some of the stories with her and she finally admitted her wrong doing and admitted to a web of lies. Where do we go from here? Even if it wasn't a physical relationship why do I feel so cheated? What do I do when I start questioning everything she's told me in the past? What do I do with all the other supicious incidents in the past that are bothering me so bad? What if after all this she wants to continue a relationship with him? I have so many questions, sorry for the long story but it feels good to get it off my chest and I'm just glad I found this website.

Hi

Welcome to MB. Have you read the different links such as basic concepts, etc.?

A good start would be for both of you to fill out the Emotional Needs questionare. This might help to identify any needs that either one of you have that are not being met by the other.

I also suggest that the W identify why she feels the need to have male friends. What do they do for her that you can't do. Why can't you fulfill that role. Does she have female friends? She might want to get female friends instead of male friends.

Would counseling help with these issues?

Take care

Hi Us2,

Welcome to MB. I would like to add to Sue's suggestion and encourage you to both read the book(s): Surviving an affair, His needs/Her needs. Just for starters.

Get to counseling ASAP. Your W has needs that are not being met by you. Maybe an adjustment to your work schedule may be necessary. It may mean cutting down on your lifestyle to save your M. Your counselor will be able to help you.

Get a good counselor. MB principals are recognized by many MCs. For those that don't direct them to this site. While Mcs don't have all the answers, they will be able to give you points to ponder. You may find fixing your M is not as difficult as the problems it caused.

You are both fortunate to still be talking. This is better than what some of us are dealing with. Don't break down your lines of communication. REalize this, ALL on-line chatting when it interfers with the family is BAD. ALL of it.

Come back and post your findings/venting and feelings.

take care,
L.

If your wifes online chats are innocent she won't have a problem if you install monitoring software on the computer(s) will she? click here to check out a good program.

I agree with everything Orchid said. Get help now. This site will be a huge help to you but if there is any way, get to a real live counselor as soon as possible. Get a different job that allows you to be home nights. Home and in bed with the woman you love.

To the wife;

How would it make you feel if your husband were to start taking women out to breakfast after work? Or to dinner before work, or on days off? How about chatting with completely strange women? Making plans to meet them in person?

This IS unacceptable. Stop it!

jd

Okay so here I am at 9pm. The H is at work. Don't think he is able to just quit his job or arrange his schedule to fit my needs. I can easily work around him as well. I felt a little bashed by the replies to our post. I want everyone to know that I don't have any ill intentions, and we posted completely together. We are working really hard to protect our relationship.
I know I have problems. We both have problems. We both aslo have therapy appointments for next week. They have been schedule for about 2 weeks. They are seperate appointments. We felt that if we worked on ourselves alone with a therapist then it might help us work together. If doing it alone isn't working then we'll get an appoinment together.
I do have female friends as well as male friends. I just anjoy the company of male friends more. I don't care about the sex aspect, it's my personality. My H wouldn't have had a problem with this guy friend had I not lied about it. Having the male friends really isn't the BIG issue here. It's my lying to cover something. I just don't know why or what I'm covering. I don't really do anything wrong but I feel the need to lie to him about it. I wish I knew why, but I guess that's why I have the therapy appointment on the 7th of OCT. I'll let you know how that goes.
Oh and no I haven't contacted the OM.

Mrs. Us2,

Thanks for responding and if it came across as 'bashing you', I am sorry you feel that way. I went back to read the posts and from what I see you weren't bashed. Now there have been bashing done on MB before (real bad - OWs crashing this site to cause trouble). Your responses were not of that sort at all.

However, I can see where you might have been put on the defensive. Please let me explain, there is a term here called radical honesty and policy of joint agreement. These 2 principals or guidelines here as taught by the Harley's (see the concepts section) are why lying is viewed with such distain.

Lying, being dishonest, untrustworthy, disloyal are all active signs of an A. Whether EA or PA they contain those factors. A little lie vs a big lie is still a lie. If you know you have an issue with this subject, then IC or MC should be helpful in helping you overcome this problem.

I commend you for coming here and sharing your story. MB has posters from both sides of the issue and in some cases even parents, in-laws, children, friends and co-workers..... quite a variety.

I must warn you that some of the BS (betrayed spouses) here can be blunt. You need to understand the pain and strain endured during an A and even before is more than most ever realized so the warning flags go out real quick around here when someone comes and gives a lot of indications of an EA but then denies an EA. The intention is usually well meant, no BS wants anyone else to endure the pain and suffering we each went through.....Still if you stick it out, you will benefit and so will your H.

I hope you read the book his needs/ her needs, I think it will help.

Look forward to your responses.

take care,
L.

Hi Us2 (wife). Why don't you print out what you wrote here and take it to your therapy appointment? I think what you and your husband each wrote might take you hours of expensive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> therapy to get around to saying.

This is the H writing. Today was the second day after my wife and I read the forums, and she admitted to some of her wrongdoings. Yesterday the sick feelings in my stomach, the nerves, and the anxiety seemed to subside. I felt like I was flying so high compared to the previous days full of stress. But today was a different story, I'm having a difficult time accepeting her word as the truth, "in my head" I'm questioning everything, and acting paranoid. I now understand how easily I can be lied to and not know. It feels like it's going to be difficult to ever have the same amount trust. She is being very patient and said she has cut off all ties to the OM, which makes me feel better, but of course there's still the deep doubts. We filled out the questionaire form and learned I didn't exactly fulfill all ner needs, and even had a silly argument over which way to fill it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you for listening and your responses, it feels good to talk to someone about it, since i'm too embarrassed to discuss this with close friends or family. Any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I'll offer my story as a warning of where you might be heading and the two of you can use it as you see fit.

Many months ago, my wife began online chatting with a close male friend of mine. I thought very little of it until she ended up having an emotional, then physical affair.

The chatting must stop for your marriage to work out.

To the wife: Your chatting with male friends is because you are lacking friendship from your husband. Work on your marriage and building a friendship with your husband. You will not have a "need" for male friends then.

To the husband: Your wife has emotional needs that you are not meeting. Find out what they are and listen to your wife. Your relationship with her is lacking something, so take the effort to repair things and grow closer to her before it is too late.

I'm only presenting this as a warning of where behaviors can lead to. If my wife had only done what you are doing (posting and seeking help) before it was too late (EA/PA started), I would be a much happier man today. She'd also be a much happier woman today. Please work on your marriage and commit to each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just anjoy the company of male friends more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect that there might be some validation you get from male friends that you do not get from female friends.

The lying may be due that you are hooked on these online male friends and you are afraid that your H might pressure you to end them once and for all, and so you lied in order to keep getting an EN(emotional need) met by these men that you do not get by your H.

Understand that most A's(affairs) start as inocent friendships that with time develop into love affairs with intimate contact between the affairees. Lying is the most essential ingredient in turning these frienships into full blown A's.

You and your H are indeed lucky that you are dealing with this issue before it becomes a marriage threatening situation. Remember that what affects you and your H also affects your children as well, so for your sake, and the sake of your loved ones, go to therapy as planned and continue with it until you find a way to fix the problems that afflict your M.

Good luck and God bless.

Okay this is the husband again and I have a serious question. I am conflicted and confused about what to do with the past, there are so many questions that I have about some fishy situations. I'm torn whether I should ask or leave them alone. What if I ask and I get the same answer that I've gotten all along, will I even accept it even if it's the truth? I feel at this point that if I catch any lie, even the smallest ones, that I'll go into a tail spin. Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Us2-H,

You need to get support. You both need it. Read up on the Harley's write-up on honesty and the policy of joint agreement (POJA).

You both need to be on the same page when it comes to the truth. There are stages a BS goes through and it includes, anger, frustation and eventually acceptance (not of the A but of the M).

Make sure that both of you have the other's interest at heart. Then you will both be trying to make the other feel better and be understanding.

Trust is an important factor. Rebuild the trust.

take care,
L.

Mr and Mrs Us2, here's another great website for marriage builders. It belongs to an MB coach and she has done an awesome job in helping the folks here with their problems. Here's her website:

http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/pages/1/index.htm

<small>[ October 02, 2002, 03:36 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

This is the wife.
Okay this is getting really hard for me. I know I'm the one who's screwed up but all we seem to talk about now is the situation at hand. I would really like to open up to him and tell him I feel like I'm being swarmed by bees with this whole thing but I think that would just make things worse. He is so sensitive to small things now that I don't know what to say any more. 'Should I or should I' seems to be the thoughts running through my head. I am trying to be as honest and open as possible so I don't screw up again but then when there is a subject I'd like to bring up it just frustrates him further, even if it has nothing to do with us. I can feel myself going into a shell.
The way I grew up is going to be hours of therapy alone. This whole thing we're going through I see years of therapy. I don't know where to turn. I'm on the verge of crying every second but I hide my emotions. I don't know what to say to him besides "I'm sorry and I was wrong".
On the post about the road trip. Dont worry. The road trip is only for me to find out who I am. I lost myself some where in this marriage. I don't intend on going out and getting stupid. Just want to see the world on my own. I've been an adult since I was 12. I've never EVER done anything wholy on my own before. I would like to see things on my own. I don't care about people, just things. I would plan on taking one of my closer friends (who could really use a vacation) so I wouldn't be alone. My friend is also married with 2 kids. At this point in my life I'm not sure what I should do and where I should take myself.
I find myself regressing into my childhood with my husband. I'm scared and confused and I'm just waiting for an answer all the time. I hate what I've done to him but at times I feel like a friend is all I need. What kind of hollow person would I be without friends?
The Wife

US2-W,

Sometimes guys don't handle emotional talking too well. A few of us have resorted to putting our feelings on paper. The H finds it easier to deal with. Same issues just not hearing the voice. Something about our voice makes them cringe!!!

You know the fact that you are sorry and repentful is a good sign. So many of us want to hear those words and don't for a long long time. Of course your H probably doesn't know how much better your situation is than compared to others here. Keep reading you will see it.

There is another MBer who was abandoned by her mom around the age of 12 - 15. She came home one day and her mom was just gone. She has never seen her again. Her dad died and so her and her sisters were all alone. I will let her know about your thread if that's ok.

Anyway, this MBer is the BS. Her H went out on her. She had it very hard with a baby and all but she is surviving.

Your progress may seem slow but as long as it is heading in the right direction that is progress. Good progress. Don't knock it.

I hope both of you continue posting here.

take care,
L.