This is my first post and i feel that it is too late however heres my story.

My wife and i have been married for 3 1/2 yrs and have been together for 8 years.

Our marraige was always good and we have done very well both worked hard and we have a nice house it could not have been better.

About 12 mths ago she started having a affair with a married man age 38 with 2 kids, my wife is 25, she used to go to a club and spent a lot of time with him but of course i truseted her, i got suspicious on feb this year when i noticed she had been calling his work, there was other signs but i wont go into them, i finnaly bugged my computer and was horrified to find that they had talked toghether when i was a t work and it was very obviuse she was having a affair with him.

That night i asked her if she was having a affiar she denied it for hours then said we have nothing in common blah blah, I asked her to decide what she wanted but she didnt know it took 4 days of this then she left a week later i went to talk to her and convinced her to come back, i had also told the OM wife about her husband and my wife he then dumped my wife.

SHe came back an all was ok not brilliant she didnt seemed interested and didnt really try to mae it work i felt as if she hated me for stiping the affair, we sat down about 5 weeks ago to talk and i asked if she was happy and she said she was not , she admitted that the OM had called her at work and at home a couple of times she said that it was over and she thought he was being selfish calling her.

Then 2 days later she packed her things and went to her grans, i went home to my parents 300 miles away for support.

i had tried to do plan a but i feel that the six months we had were not that good.

Then i got a call from her 4 days later she was in tears telling me she loved me and missed me, amasing i thought she had realised at last, we talked for hours then the followind day i called her and again it was like it was before the affair, i went back home the following day happy and looking forward to seeing her and getting back on track. I am 28 by the way.

I went to her grans to she her expecting a big hug but she was cold somthing had happened i was in shock so i talked to her and asked what was wrong she said it wont work the last six mths we have both been unhappy and she was not willing to give it a try, i left i had nothing else that i culd say to her.

I went to her mums and told her she was shocked she had witnessed h ow upsett my wife was when she called me, she said thta she would cal her and find out if the OM had anything to do with it, she admitted he had called her a few days ago before the call to me and today as well.

I went home then decided to go back and talk to her she did not know that i had found out the OM had influenced her decision yet again ( The OM seems to be able to totaly have control over my wife, her freind told me he played her like a fiddle i expect as he is older and wiser it is easy for him to do this to a youg women )

I asked her if he had called she admitted he had and just said that he said he was happy where he was with his wife and kids and thats that, she was upsett but could not understand if he had dumped her agin why not try our marraige again, I felt awfull the call form her wa amasing then we where back in the same place her not knowing what she wants, I left she said she did not want to risk this happening agin in 6mths so she would not try.

Since then the last 4 weeks have just got worst she cmae around to our house a few days later and was being nice to me she acted a if she was missing the house and stuff but i kept strong i did not ask her to come back as she would need to mention this, she left as i felt that she just wanted me here waiting for her, while she did what she wanted, we had been close for 8yrs barly spending a day apart and at least talking evry day.

I decided to tell his wife that he had meddaled in my marriage again, his wife was confident that her husband would not leave her and the kids.

I had to tell her i felt that i was at home myself and he was seeing my wife and his wife was none the wiser.

The next day my wife called very angry telling me i told you i did not leave you for him i left you cos i wanted to, i relaised that she was seeing him after all i had made it that bt harder she said that there was no chance of her coming back now.

I received a lawers letter asking what the debt we had was, we had debt just bought a new house and set up a bussines, gos she worked fast.

I then heard nothing from her for a few days then she wanted stuff from the house she had all her cloths so i agreed to meet and make a list , later that day while i was at work she got in to our house and took everthing she wanted,so much for a list, she came to the house that night and i refused to let her in so she called the police nothing happened we talk for a few mins i tried to pleed with her that our relationship the house everrthing we have worked for is all going down the plug hole but she was did not care.

since then about 12 days ago i have heard nothing from my wife or her entire family and our freinds, it seems very over to me i wish it wasnt but i have run out of options, a feind has spotted my wife with the OM so she is still seeing him.

I have decied to pack anything that she left in the house and take ot to her mums i dont want her to hate me for the sakes of hanging on to photos or whatever i want ot write a letter to her to tryto leav things on a good note.

I am finding it very hard it seems so final i cant beileve she has nt got in touch how can she get over me so fast, i have been told by frinds that she got over me months ago due to the affair.

sorry for the massive story but i have been meaning to do this for some time i jhave read all the posts an found them to be comforting

Thanks

Charly

bhearted,
i am so sorry for what you are going through, i am in a similar situation. i told my husband about a one nite affair i had with ex boyfriend. i told him the nite before we took a trip west. we decided to leave my home state and come here to start over. i have done nothing for this relationship here but feel sorry formyself because i blamed the affair as the reason we not back at home. i have three grown kids there and a grandchild. i have let my depression ruin my marriage completly. i took a trip home in july, came back in aug. promised him i would change my outlook and find a job. he told me that he was not in love with me anymore but some of him still wanted to try. i did nothing again, because this time i had heard those words from him and i hurt so bad i didnt know how to correct the mistakes i had made. he told me on thrusday that we were over and the straw that broke the camels back was that i made those promises and did not keep them. on friday he left to go on a hunting trip. he knows that i have been here all week-end packing my things, getting ready to drive 3000 miles yeah 3000 miles back to my home state. i am very hurt and to make matters worse, tomorrow i will see him again after this long lonely week-end of he::, just to get some money to leave on. then i have to drive with him back up to the cabin where they are hunting, two and half hour trip, drop him off and drive all the way back here, seeing beautiful scenery and wishing i had done differently. that is really going to hurt. i dont want to leave but on thrusday he told me we were over for good. i asked him if he would think about it while hunting and he said i have been thinking about it, i am thinking about it now and yes i will still be thinking about it while i am gone, but i dont think i will change my mind.i hope of course, he does. i hope when he gets back maybe he thinks i learnt my lesson. i wont hold my breath though it is what i want to hear. he must know this is killing me. i only saw om once.just once. and this is what i have to live with. we have been here a year and he tells me each time he sees my face it gets worse for him, then my question is, why did it not bother him as much before while we have been here he has hurt my physically then begged me to forgive him and not leave. i am so confussed and hurt. all my things are packed and i am ready to make that trip but i dont want to go and i know it will be the last time i see him, hold him and it will be hard. i will always love him and miss him very much. my loss. i dont know if this helps you and i am sorry for your pain. who knows why things happen. we all have had break ups before but dang this one really hurts worse than any before. since thrusday nite he has said very little to me and when he left to go friday morn. he said nothing at all to me. not good-bye, talk to u later, see ya monday or anything. i have packed cleaned and hurt this entire week-end. ready for pain to end but will it ever?

Hi Charly,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you have such a bad story for one so young in life. Actually there is no good age to deal with an A but it pains my heart that you have to suffer so soon.

On the other hand, your coming here is a good thing. Another good point is that even though you sense that the oM has great control over your W, he doesn't. Why? BEcause she was confused and can be confused again. This A thing is not that great since she can still be confused.

You have given it a lot of time. For many dealing with it for the length of time you have would have caused them to have gone to the D quicker. But you have tried a fairly good plan A and may now be ready to head towards plan B.

At this point, learn all you can now.
1. Get a good MC or do the phone counseling session with Jennifer or STeve.

2. REad the books:
Suriving an Affair - Dr Harley
His needs/Her needs Dr Harley
Love must be tough - Dr James Dobson

There are others but this is a good start.

3. TAke the emotional needs questionnaire.
read the concepts section at the top of this
page.

4. Build your support group (friends/family, even a pet).

5. Don't enable the A. REad Redhat's thread on that.

6. Vent and post here before unleashing on your W. Her head is in the fog and she may not understand a word you are saying.

L.

Charly,

I too want to welcome you to MB, you have picked a wonderful place to be at this time in your life!!!

I only want to echo the advice given you by orchid, heed it she is an awesome woman and knows what she is saying to you!!!

Keep reading and posting here, vent on us and not your W, as orchid said she is fogged in and will just lash out at you with meaness.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks

DO you think i should write her a letter and giv it with the stuff i have as i feel i want her to know that i do love her very much and i will always be here for her but on the other hand i dont want her to think i am soppy and she can walk all over me.

Just feels such a waist as he will nevr leave his wife and she will jsut be his bit on the side

cheers

charly

That would be going to plan B, go read up on that and then decide if you are ready to go to plan B!!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Charly,

Write the letter but don't send it , not yet. You need to get with a good MC first and let them help you plan things out to the longer benefit.

Right now, don't make any life changing decisions while your emotions are running high.

If you read your post, you will find that both the OM and your W have changed their minds several times during this period. In turn it is making it difficult for the spouses (you and the OM's W) to move forward, find resolution and closure. So it may not matter what you do at this exact moment. Use this time to plan wisely. You can start learing to identify your personal boundaries and then implement them.

Sit tight for now. You have a lot of reading and pondering time ahead.

L.

seems very over to me she has well moved on is plan b not already over

charly

Thanks Orchid

A mc i think thats too late she would laugh at me, she wants out and thats that as far as she is concerned can she get over me so quickly she should at least miss are way of life

Charly

You sound like a pretty good guy who deserves a lot better than this. She seems willing to be a fling thing for the OM to use. You need to move on with your life and find someone who you can love trust and respect. Thank goodness you did not have any children with this woman. I have a hunch this will be a pattern of behavior for her in the future. There are many wonderful women in this society who will be more in tune with your values and the concept of a marriage and a relationship. I wish you luck.

Thanks

Just a shock to me really to be over so quick, you are right of course just at the moment i know having her back would stop the pain.

charly

has anyone got any more advice please

Charly,

We need to strengthen your resolve. Have you read the concepts section above or even found the book his needs/her needs?

If you really want to know how to best work out these issues from your side (at least), go find these books and read them. Then come back and post. Otherwise, our words will not have as great an impact.

ok?

L.

At this point you need to accept the fact that your wife does not want to be married to you. There is nothing you can do about that. She sounds very immature and needs to learn the hard way about life. The problem is that it could take years before she grows up. You need to focus on yourself and do what is best for you. Over time you will get over your feelings for your wife and develop a new relationship with a good woman. Use this experience to learn to become a better person. Best wishes

Hi

Thanks again, my current issue is that the last time we spoke it was not good i shouted and she shouted, i dont want that to be the last thing she remebers, i want to take her stuff to her mums and write her a note i want to leave it on a good note all thats happening now is that i am getting lawers letters from her no conact now for 13 days seems strange, is it normal for things to go so bad so quick, can you help me with what to put in the letter as its very important to me and she needs to know how i feel

regards

charly

She probably does not care how you feel. If she did she wouldn't be hurting you by having an affair with a MM. Focus on yourself and protect your assets by getting a good lawyer.