Dragonfly,<P>I agree with you here. My affair started on the internet. Now, I'm not going to sit here and try to blame the internet for my own choices and actions, but in the state of mind I was in, giving me access to internet and chatting would have been like putting the key to a liquor cabinet in the hands of an alcoholic!!<P>At the time, I was needy, I was confused, and I was incapable of acting responsibly and with self-control. I would NEVER recommend anyone having any marital problems to have internet access in their home. Never. Not only that, I also had all the other components of what I called an Affair Start-Up Kit at my fingertips: a pager, a cell phone with voice mail, and a p.o. box!!! All these toys made it all so much easier to cheat. Technology certainly can be a dangerous thing when in the wrong hands.

New Woman, Like you said, my h is like an alcoholic, and I did allow him to have the keys to the cabinet.<P>He even admits that he couldn't control himself, and that it was like watching himself from a distance. He could see the train coming, but couldn't get off the tracks.<P>May sound like a bunch of baloney, if he weren't so remorseful and sincere, but he isn't as strong as me, and it's very probable that he couldn't help it.<P>Time will tell, and we'll NEVER have the internet in our home again. If he wants to look up something or whatever, he can do it here in front of me in my office!!!<P>Plus, aside from this site,the internet is really overrated. Anything I can get/need on here, I can get locally, and I'd rather support the local smuck. I really believe that it's a flashy "fad" and although will always be with us, people will get tired of newness and move on! We'll see. I'm young yet, so time will tell!

I think not, kids. The Internet is here to stay.<P>And I disagree with you about the Internet being evil...and that before the Internet, you couldn't have this sort of affair. <P>Personal ads have been around for at least 20 years. I used to date through them, and even 20 years ago, there'd be ads like "MM looking for MW for discreet encounters." And all you'd have to do is buy a newspaper.<P>People who are looking for affairs will find them.<P>I have had marital problems intermittently for over a year now, and I am on the Internet every night after my H goes to bed. I E-mail my e-mail friends, go to the sites and messageboards I like, maintain my own movie review site. Thanks to the Internet, I have about 10 women friends I wouldn't already have, I'm in closer touch with my family, I make a good living off of it, and I'm a film critic and fiction writer -- and people actually READ my work.<P>One guy was coming on to me pretty seriously for a while when H was going out with his friends every night. And I did not succumb.<P>I'm glad you're not talking that the Internet should be suppressed or banned. You have every right to feel it's evil and not want it in your home. <P>Just don't try to take it away from me, becuase I CAN handle it.<P>

D&C,<P>That's just it, I wasn't looking, it found me. A completely lonely, unhappy, needy woman all of a sudden has someone up at 2 am like her offering a "safe," sympathetic shoulder to cry on? I'm not saying I wouldn't have had an affair if it weren't for the internet, but that is quite possible. I had every convenience at my fingertips to make cheating easy. I know that I wouldn't have answered any personal ad, are you kidding??? Axe murderers take out personal ads!! I've seen the movies. But somehow I felt safe and secure in my own home "just chatting." I felt protected. Totally a false sense of security, but I thought nothing could touch me while I was sitting in my own den. Oh how naive I was. I got sucked in bigtime!!<P>The internet is no more evil than guns are evil. (And believe me, I'm NOT a member of the NRA.) But when they get into the wrong hands, they can certainly be the devices of evil. I repeat, I would never, ever advise any couple with marital problems, or with a spouse who is feeling needy to allow the internet into their home. To me, it's a smoking gun.<p>[This message has been edited by new woman (edited August 14, 1999).]

Want another opinion? I DO believe that our technology is responsible for the moral breakdown in society. We stop looking to our "Higher Power" and become caught up in it. My own personal believe is that this technology is what will eventually destroy the world we live in. (literally)<P>YET...I am in the information technology field. (kinda conflicting, I know) I do think that if we didn't have the "evil" in this world, our technology would be great. I do think the internet is more than a fad. There is LOTS of useful information out there, depending on what you're looking for. It is used to transmit criminal information and things such as that, A GOOD USE.<P>It can be dangerous in a home, but should be treated as anything else. If you leave your spouse available to start an affair, either on the internet or in person, it could happen. But if you know how to protect yourself by spending time together instead of doing things apart, knowing how to monitor activity on your computer, etc., it is a useful tool which should not be a threat.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

I've read a lot of the replies to this post and am in the same position as many of you are. I just don't know what to feel some days.<P>Married 20 years, found out about affair 14 years ago, then again, same woman, two years ago, and at the same time I found out he continued to see her on and off all those years, I found out he'd seen other women all throughout our marriage. Supposedly, nothing since discovery two years ago.<P>He's home. We separated, in our house, different bedrooms (financial reasons), and got back together about a month ago or so. When he REALLY works on it, is super nice, loving, kind, and all of those things, then I feel a little spark, just a spark. But if he does just one little thing, or doesn't do what I hope and want him to do, then so easily it all disolves and I feel nothing again. Then thoughts of divorce are so strong again. <P>How on earth does this heal? Does he have to be this knight in shining armor forever? Does he have to prove his love to me forever? Maybe! Maybe that's what it will take. I just don't know.<P>I only know that for a few days, he eased off (we had my family here, 9 people in our house, I was gone some of the time, so we haven't had "alone" time together, only at night) and it wasn't his fault. I KNOW that yet I can't feel anything right now. I feel like I hurt him again and again by not responding very well to his "I love you" and <BR>"I'm so glad we're back together" and "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and "tell your mom we'll be together forever, OK?" I KNOW he wants to hear all of those things from me, yet I can't seem to say them. This weak, little "me too" comes out, and it's so pathetic!! <P>Yet about a week ago I felt pretty close to him. I don't know. I guess time will tell and I also know that if it's going to have a prayer of working, he's going to have to keep up the work of making me feel loved and like I can trust him. It just isn't easy this time. I've welcomed him back so many times with open arms, after his lies and pain, but this time, I just can't do it so easily. The separation really opened my eyes to my own inner self and my needs. I can't give me up again. Not like before.<P>And, like someone here said, sometimes if we have to chase them, we have more feelings in a way, but if they are chasing us, we don't. That made perfect sense to me because I've had those feelings. It's all very confusing and very very tiring. I for one have started taking charge of my life, of my health (which was being very challenged, AGAIN, by the stress), and he needs to do his part this time. He doesn't want to go to therapy, so he's going to have to figure it out on his own, I guess. I'm not doing all the work for him this time.<P>I can remember all of the books I read, brought home, offered to him. Yet I was the only one reading. It didn't work. He has to want it bad enough to get the help he needs.<P>Good luck everyone! I could relate to all of your posts and I hope I haven't gone on for too long here.<P>Isabelle

Sometimes I feel the love slipping away and I even told him that I hoped he regained those in love feelings back before mine dissapeared.<P>I think I'm just feeling stronger than I have in years. Realizing that I could live without him. Problem is, I don't want to and I don't want to put my kids through a divorce.

D&C, I don't think that the internet will go away, but HBO and VCRs were big in the beginning, and now they are just basically taken for granted, and I think the intial "big hype" of the internet will fade off once it's been around for awhile. ("around for awhile meaning used by the general public."<P>Also, I see a strong surge of "back to the basics". People want more family oriented outings and what not, and are turning their computers and tv's off a bit more often. Not necessarily a bad thing, because you know we can live without them.<P>Hoping - I hope you can find that love too. I wish I could trust my feelings about whether or not I love him, but they change so often. I have a 2 1/2 year old, and I don't want to break up his life with divorce either. It's only been two months since I found out about the affair (which went from last sep thru nov/dec.), but sometimes I feel so sure that it's over! The next day/week I'm back to making it work.<P>Since I still worry enough to sway back and forth, I believe that there must be a reason, and will stay until I find out.<P>