Hi. I haven't posted for awhile as I haven't had any new developments. WH and I have had a few good days and then we get into an argument and then we have silence and then things get friendly. I will say that our silence recovery period is getting shorter. WH has called me a few times last week to say hi but nothing husband/wifey.
He has started hugging me when he leaves and I've allowed it. I didn't earlier. Tonight we really hugged and I felt it and held hands for a minute. I admit, it felt really good. I think it is so much harder being friendly with nothing more than keeping my distance. I don't know that our brief physical contact means anything. He still insists it's over and we are progressing with legal work (I am to cover my a##). We haven't kissed or had sex since he left. Sex was an issue as I had gained alot weight. I have lost 50lbs and still have more to go but am feeling better.
I believe he is still seeing OW-I know he is talking to her on the phone at least. I still don't know anything about their relationship from him-he won't talk about it or her.
He told me he is still not sleeping.
I wish him any strength I have left to do the right thing and try to work on us. I don't know if he can face this mess. We went to a fair together with kids (really) and ran into my mom's neighbor. WH stepped away like he wasn't there. I think he was embarrassed to see her.
Today he changed the oil in my car (volunteered) and stayed for a beer.
As I write this, it all sounds encouraging, yet, there's been no mov't forward in our relationship or discussion. The only thing he has said is that he didn't get what he wanted in this..if he had got what he wanted I would have had a job while he was here so we could have afforded to do things. Another issue. Full-time work vs. Part-time. I started working a fulltime job plus my parttime job last week. I got my bar application done this weekened. Yipee. So, I am moving forward with job stuff. I hate missing my kids.
WH has promised for 3 mths to have the house painted (paint work is pd for) so I can put it on the market and he hasn't. I've had all the pictures off the walls for 3 mths! I don't think he wants to sell the house-probably for his convenience to the kids - but he hasn't said it.
Anybody see anything I don't? I feel like I'm moving forward with myself-with a few steps back once and awhile-and WH and I will end-up being friends and that's it.
Thinking about you all,
Can't Sleep

[[[[can't sleep]]]]

I am so glad to hear from you. You have been on my heart... in fact... I was gonna put out an ABP post today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Remember if you aren't divorced yet... it isn't over until it's over... and pastor said that even then, if neither is married to another... reconciliation can still take place.

Your post didn't have the tone of despair that I used to hear... that is GOOD!

I didn't hear you post about too many LBs... that is also good.

Keep on working on you... because that is KEY... BECOMING the BEST can't sleep there is...

Cali

Cali-Thanks for your reply. No, I don't feel so much despair but I also feel like maybe I've entered denial again. WH and I have had so much contact lately because of the kids (1 to 2 times a day)-I almost think we're still together sometimes. He slips once and awhile and says, "I'll meet you at home, etc." and then corrects himself and says, "..your house." I suspect that tonight he is with OW for the night as he works near her in the am.
The odd thing is I don't really care right now. Maybe I'm just so tired. I don't know whether to push the selling the house issue or let it ride. I am looking forward to renting a townhouse and have looked at some..it makes me feel optomist (sp) for the future. On the other hand, if keeping this house will help us move toward recovery, I want to stay put. It's hard for me to be here alone though.
He just doesn't ever indicate he might ever return. He stayed for a drink tonight again. No relationship talk (can you believe it?).
Is it possible he simply wants my friendship and nothing more?
He has been really helpful around the house when he watches the kids here since I've started working. Dishes, clothese, floors, etc. It's nice.
I am trying to stay focussed. I know when I am that I am happier.
Any comments welcome,
Can't Sleep

Can't Sleep - I can relate - my exhusband and I are also 37 - and he basically sounds like your husband - he says - he just doesn't love me like that anymore - he wants to be best friends - we actually just got divorced last week - which has been very hard but it has been one lie after another and just a horrible mess. But I find myself mad at me - for letting him hang out for letting him have some family time when that is what he is leaving.. He insists that he has no one else anymore - that he just wants to be alone but I really doubt that is true because he has given up so much.. But I am in denial I have been in denial - I mean I know I am divorced but if people saw us together they would think that we were still married and that we had no problems - It is when I mention his affair, or what he did to me etc.. That he cannot talk about - he has twisted everything in my direction. I am trying to work on only myself and if I stay focused and do not think much about him I am 100% better -- It is very hard - but hopefully each day it is getting a little better - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !!! I really know that I deserve to be happy and I never deserved this crap... So I am still hoping for the day that I wake up and say ok I don't care anymore - it is just me and the kids against the world and we will make it... Good Luck...