CG,

I read your post about A's, plan B and seperating,
and wanted to tell you my story and offer my perspective.

In 11/00, my W sat me down and told me she was unhappy. She pointed out a couple of my behaviors that may have contributed to it, but for the most part was vague. Several months later after she had grown very distant, she asked for a seperation. I left for a month. During that time I discovered she was involved in an EA with a guy from work. When I moved back home, I confronted her about it. She denied it, but I knew it was true (I won't go into details about what I knew). A few weeks later in 5/01 she told me she wanted a D. I told her I didn't and plan A'ed her as best I could.

In 11/01, she filed for D on the grounds of mental cruelty (that wasn't the reason, but she needed one). In 12/01 I counterfiled on the grounds of adultery and mental cruelty (on Steve H's advice). She never admitted anything about OM. The D has proceeded at a snails pace since then. I asked her several times to share custody of our daughter and sell the house. She refused. We continued to live together until we went through custody mediation and reach a verbal agreement in 6/02. We have 50/50 joint legal and physical custody of our daughter.

In 7/02, I moved out. Two weeks ago I sent a plan B letter (again on the advice of Steve H.).
So far, for the most part she has complied.

There are mant details I have left out, but as best I can tell her EA has been over since early in the year. It has been almost a year since she filed and she has taken very little action with the D, which leads me to believe OM is no longer in the picture. After I moved out she told me she wanted to sell the house. I gave her some paperwork she needed to sell the house 3 weeks ago. As far as I know, she hasn't put it on the market. The only thing that keeps me from giving up is the pace at which she's pursued the D.

Now, I want to explain some things to you, maybe it will help. I stayed at home and plan A'ed as long as I could, probably longer than I should have, but there were custody issues that needed to be settled. I moved out because I simply could no longer live with her with the D hanging over my head and with no hints of reconcilliation. I moved out for my own emotional well being. After I moved out, she called me several times a week with mundane questions, little problems around the house or when she needed a favor. She continued to rely on me like a H, but made it clear she no longer wanted me as a H. It made me feel used and taken for granted. I could no longer allow myself treated that way, so I went to plan B. Although I hope plan B gives her a chance to see what life is like without me and to deal with her own problems and the root causes of her unhappiness, that's not why I did it. I did it for me. I simply could not be a part of her life on her terms. I want to be her H in every sense of the word or just the father of her child. There is no in between. By continuing to be a part of her life as I was, I was only hurting myself, preventing her from seeing the consequences of her choices and weaning her through the D.

I know that many BS's are hesitant to seperate or go to plan be for fear of "out of sight, out of mind". I also know that plan B is supposed to preserve the love we have left for the WS. In my case, with D looming, it removes me from a painful situation and hopefully will allow my love for my W to die off slowly without me being hurt any further. If my W proceeds with the D, then hopefully by the time it happens I won't care anymore. If she has a change of heart, hopefully I'll still care enough to try. So, for me, plans B serves one of two purposes. One, if the D happens (and I believe it will), it will minimize any further pain for me. Secondly, it removes me from the picture, gives my W a chance to experience what D will be like and gives her some time to deal with her own issues. Either way, I don't see that I had any other choice.

So, don't be affraid of seperating. If you get divorced, you'll be seperated forever. Also, don't be affraid of plan B. It protects you and will give your W a chance to see her life and deal with her issues from different perspective.
Only you know when your ready for either step, so be sure you are.

sad dad

Sad Dad,

If you can honestly say that you have tried your best, and I know you have, then that's all you can do.

I had a buddy's father sit down with me to chat about the situation I'm in, which is a spliting image of yours, and he tells me "Why would you want to stay with someone that does not want to be with you" I know it's a general statement, but it's true. My WW has not for one moment given any hope on working on us for over a 1 1/2 after D-DAY.

I too might have planned A too long, but you know what SD, I can walk away knowing that I tried. I spoke with a family tharapist and he said that it's not going to be a cake walk for WW after D. That after reality sits in, stuff happends. It's not that great relationship in which the cheating couple thinks it going to be.

Sad Dad, all I can say, and I'm doing the same, is to work on yourself. Try to see yourself in a few years doing a whole lot better. I know it's going to be VERY TOUGH, but it's what we do during and after if we are to come out of this bad situation OK. For us and the kids.

Good Luck.

Dino