Hi USH, we're all here for you. I'm sorry it came to this but understand what it gets like when you've 'had a gutfull'. Hope you enjoy your weekend away. I'm swimming with sharks tomorrow - wish me luck!

Seahorse,

Sharks!!! Is it okay if I let you borrow my screen name??

Thank you GC, Seahorse, and Lexxy for the support.

I just returned from the airport and stopped by my office on the way home. My boss came immediately into my office (he is also a friend of WH and was the third party I put in my plan B letter) and told me that my WH had called him Thursday night.

Shortly after I delivered my letter, his immediate boss/regional in another state called and told WH that he had received a letter from an employee in his office noting that the A with the employee/OW was creating a problem.

WH then called the President of the organization and told him what was going on and that he'd like to take an extended leave of absence.

That is as much as I know right now. I don't really know what was said or when this leave of absence is going to start. I do feel sorry for WH because this cannot have been good for him, although I recognize it may be in the long run.

Part of me is glad that this happened. A part of me is feeling terrible that it all happened at once and that my plan B letter/plan B started at the same time. I keep thinking this creates the perfect opportunity for him to be consoled by OW and I'm sitting here in the no contact mode.

I am glad the doctor gave me sleeping pills because I seriously doubt I would get any sleep tonight. I so badly want to pick up the phone and call WH. I won't, but I feel terrible.

USH,

There is a bright side to this dismal situation. You did what you needed for you. The timing is not your fault. This is what happens as a result of his actions. The fact that his world may be falling apart is better at this time, when he still has a chance to see it for what it is. If the WS doesn't learn from this espisode, it will help you move forward. If he does learn, it will be an option you are given. Don't be too quick to jump in to his rescue, remember he needs to heal......all that time the WS wants is now when he needs it. Really needs it but rarely wants it.

Be strong USH, stand by your ethics........ you will be fine.

hugz,
L.

Thank you Orhid -- I needed to hear that this morning. The sleeping pill did help. I got 6 hours of solid sleep, which is a significant improvement.

My biggest concern right now is that he's turned to this friend of his for comfort/counsel that told him it was ok to have the A in the first place/that he was personally only staying in his marriage for the kids.

My WH needs professional help, not this, "do whatever makes you happy" fool. Unfortunately, this fool is also related to my boss who thinks this guy is just a fabulous person. I can't tell him what this fool said to my WH at the beginning of all this.

Can't control it, so I'll just have to try and ignore all of this.

Hi USH, I feel your pain on this one. My H has had 'friends' that advised him to leave too. One still calls herself my friend. I like her, I know why she said it (she was sick of him telling her unhappy he was, so she said 'leave'), but sometimes I feel so mad at her-she never knew my side of the story. There was another friend who rented him the appartment he's now living in- can see what the motivation was there. I've never met this person, although I'd sure like too.

At first I would try to convince him that they were advising him in this way to satisfy their own needs, but I realise now he has to learn this one on his own and he will, as will your H. It never seems to happen quick enough for us BS' though, we're slowly going insane here trying to do the 'right thing'.

But hey, I've done heaps of reading here and elsewhere and I keep reading the same thing. What dosen't kill you makes you stronger. Its true, I am so different these days, just the little things. I have my days of self doubt (and today is one of those), but I just ride with it knowing tomorrow will bring a new set of feelings for me to either act on or ride out - and I get to choose which one!

I think you are very courageous and very caring. You have shown your H much compassion through all his indecision and still do even though he has hurt you so much. I admired this quality so much. Truly USH, you are an amazing person and an inspiration to many of us here.

Just take plan B a day at a time. It may be hard for you, it may not be, I guess it depends where your at with it all. Just know we are all here for you and we care a lot.

Unsure--

I don't have any good advice...it sounds like you have a somewhat complicated situation with the multiple friends/boss/employee situations...that must make this even more difficult for you I am sure.

Seahorse is right--as trite as it sounds take it a day at a time...

I don't know if you saw my answer to you on my thread yesterday but I suggested (if you haven't read it) Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" I think it might help to reaffirm the boundaries you have set and the strength you have already shown...the book is about YOU!

Takc care...

E

Hi Unsure!

I know it has been forever since we have communicated, but I wanted to let you know how impressed I am of you. You have been so strong and understanding! Your WH will see that soon and realize that he doesn't deserve you! I hope all is going better for you.

I am almost jealous that the A came to light in your WH workplace, I would love for that to happen. I believe that it could be a HUGE wake-up call to reality for him. I have thought many times about letting my WH's boss know why we REALLY left Houston, but I, like you, thought it would be a LB my WH would not be able to get past.

I am very sorry to hear that you had to go to plan B, how it is going? I ask because I think I may be there soon. I get worried about missing the talks that we have, seeing him with other people, etc. I think that's normal, but I was just hoping that you were doing okay!

I guess I just wanted you to know that I am here for you and feel your hurt. I know that this doesn't make it less painful, but I always appreciate knowing that someone out there cares!

HUGS to you SWEETIE!!!!

PQ

USH,
I wanted to comment on something...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That is as much as I know right now. I don't really know what was said or when this leave of absence is going to start. I do feel sorry for WH because this cannot have been good for him, although I recognize it may be in the long run.

Part of me is glad that this happened. A part of me is feeling terrible that it all happened at once and that my plan B letter/plan B started at the same time. I keep thinking this creates the perfect opportunity for him to be consoled by OW and I'm sitting here in the no contact mode. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It could also be a HUGE awakening to him. He may actually turn on her ~ after all, this affair has caused him an incredible amount of chaos in his life. He has completed flipped his world upside down. And why? It ALL circles around a bunch of lies, deceit, FANTASTY. Continue to Plan B. Do not pick him up when you feel sorry for him. He must let go of the OW before you can be there for him again.

BTW, She's still working, right? It must be hard for him knowing she's there and *HE* must take a leave to get his head straight.

I think this revelation of the affair could work to your advantage.

USH,

I too, think this will be a huge wake up call, just in the fact this is happening all because of HER. Even if he does go to OW for consoling, how is she going to console him?? I mean really, what can she say to make him feel better, because she is partly to blame, right??

Seahorse -- Thank you for your kind words. I checked your post over on JFO and it doesn't sound as if much is happening right now. What are you doing for yourself? How is your dog?

Elad -- I posted on your thread. I got a copy of the Beattie book, Language of Letting Go. I had actually purchased this back in August at Seahorse's suggestion, but wound up loaning it to a friend and had to get another copy. I think I didn't really want to think about letting go back in August because my relationship seemed to be moving forward in a positive direction.

pq -- Finally caught up with you again in your post. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

clearview -- I hope you are right about my WH getting the dose of reality all at once.

GC -- Thanks for checking in with me, especially in the middle of your good news (for those reading this thread that don't know -- GC's WH may be really coming back home/reconciling after more than 18 month A).

Nothing much to update and I imagine there won't be anything much to say while I'm in plan B. I'm mostly just unable to concentrate at work. I feel as if I am back at square one similar to the first d-day. I also feel as if I failed somehow. Now, rationally, I know this isn't true, but that's how it feels. I can't reconcile my heart and my head right now. I go back and revisit everything wondering what I could have done differently. I can't think of a major LB or other big thing. I know my WH has other issues he is facing (not facing would be the better description).

I woke up this morning thinking that maybe it was best to file for D and end this pain, but I know that's not what I really want.

I panicked when I got back from my vacation this weekend because it was clear that WH had come to the house at some point and done some yard work and had taken his hunting rifle. I don't think he's going to take his own life, but frankly that was my first thought.

I found myself crying last night uncontrollably, which hasn't happened in a while.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>I'm mostly just unable to concentrate at work. I feel as if I am back at square one similar to the first d-day. I also feel as if I failed somehow. Now, rationally, I know this isn't true, but that's how it feels. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">USH, it is certainly understandable to have those "repeated" Ddays, days when all you want to do is just stay in bed and sleep. Sleep so you don't have to think about it (((USH))).

You have not failed, you have risen above what he has done and have tried to save your marriage, there is nothing wrong with that. You did a good Plan A, if anyone is failing right now, it is your husband. I really wish I could take the MB bat to him and beat some sense into him. I really think reality will get him soon.

Dear USH,

Well if the 'fool' is related to your boss and your boss is approachable, I'd tell your boss to go and bop that fool in the head so that he would stop giving bad advice to your H. Straight up.....just like that. Never know, maybe your boss might jump at the chance. Just a thought.

Now you mentioned in a later response that your heart and mind are at odds and you feel like d/d again. Yes, that does happen. Now I will tell you that you need to use your support system now more than ever. This is a vulnerable time for you.

So use your support system and pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. This will help put them in sync.

Realize this, you may have to take the D walk. I am not saying complete the D, just take the walk so that you are aware of what may happen and you will reduce the fear of the unknown. OK?

Hugz,
L.
ps: It was very kind of you to give GC's update. See even though you are going through sooo much, you are still helping others. Keep up the good work. Keeping busy is also good for the soul. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

USH, I think its very normal to feel like you've failed and we all do at some point. I've thought much about this because it was truly eating me up and I came to the conclusion that I made amends for the errors I made and the only thing I really failed at was controlling the mind of another human being. As we've had beaten into our heads by our fellow MBers, we cannot control another human being. In other words, we tried to accomplish the impossible.

I know this is probably little help right now while its still raw, but everyday things will get better. It will get better USH

GC -- WOOHOO to you. So happy for you.

Orchid -- Thanks. I hear you on the getting a support system in place. I am trying to plan something for every evening for the next two weeks, which I think will be the hardest. Even if my plan for a particular evening is clean the bathroom, I'm trying to give myself alternating fun and work evenings to keep my mind off of this. I am also fortunate to have several good friends (including my friends here at MB) that are checking in with me on an almost daily basis.

Seahorse -- Thank you. I know you know how I am feeling. I hope you update your post soon so that we can all know how YOU are and your dog.

I have dinner plans with friends tonight so that will be good and I have a friend and her little one coming over tomorrow night for homemade pizza. A friend of WH's took me to lunch today to see how I was doing and it helped to talk to him (we all knew eachother in graduate school and is wife had an A/they moved and are in recovery). All in all it was a pretty good day (although I got NO work done except to read a really dense and tedious report). But, the sun is shining, the leaves are turning, and my cat loves me.

I know this sounds crazy, but I think that my animals kept me sane, I talked their legs off!! Not only does your cat love you, we love you too!!

USH, my dog is doing good, will tell a funny story about he day at his grandad's later. I've updated on JFO - interesting developments...

GC - I know what you mean about the animals. My dog is my sounding board at the moment, poor thing! PS Great news for you.

Back later, gotta run

USH how are u going?

USH,

How are things going since you went to Plan B?

You posted over on my thread on the Plan A and B board confirming some things that Dr Harley had told you on the radio.

I just confirmed this evening that the A is alive and well. Watched OM leave work and drive to our house. He must still be covering his tracks. He drove around the block before finally having my wife back her car out of the garage so that he could park his inside out of sight. Little did they know, I had been by our house earlier and confirmed that my W had her car inside earlier.

Anyway, I'm getting a letter to OM's wife first part of next week and then going to Plan B.

I am unsure of how well I will be able to accomplish Plan B. WW and I have been spending equal time with our children and are in constant communication with each other so that they are picked up from school and such.

What's really crapy is that WW and I spent about 3 hrs together today with our boys, had a nice time together at a craft show. I know that this thing is eating her up inside also. She's lost a lot of weight since D-day. The last time that she lost that much weight over such a short period was when her son died.

I know that I need to go to Plan B, I'm at the point where I feel like she is going to have to come back to me with no strings attached at this point. Funny thing is, that tonight after I saw OM go to our house, I got up the nerve to park down the street and walk to the house and listen at our bedroom (or at least what WAS our bedroom) window. I could hear his voice inside, and what I found to be unusual in my mind anyway, was that I was completely calm during all of this. The only time that my blood got pumping was when I thought I heard our back door close and I had to hot foot it out of there. I did see something unusual though, the gate to our backyard was open. If our dogs get out because of one of them screwing up and leaving it open, I'll be pissed.

I was mainly wondering if you heard any response back from your WH when you presented him with Plan B letter? If you don't mind, could you share some of the highlights of your Plan B letter.

If you don't mind, could you email me the radio show phone number. I may see if I can get in to talk with Dr Harley during Monday's show. My email address is "biscayne352@yahoo.com"

Thank you in advance for your reply and stay strong. Remind yourself in your heart and mind every day that you have done the right thing. Keep praying for strength. One of the quotes that I read from that other site that I linked you to on the other board said something like, "Your pain will not go with out reward, God will use you to help someone else in pain" Not the exact words but something that I want to go back and print out and read daily to help myself recover.

GC -- My heart is filled with happiness when I read your posts now. My only concern is that it's gone back to "normal" so quickly. Are you scheduled to talk to SH again any time soon?

Seahorse -- Thank you for asking. Not well these days, but getting by.

Biscayne -- I posted to you on your other thread. I did read your plan B letter and agree with the comments to keep it simple. Can you let OM's W know separately/without necessarily going to plan B? Or, are you really worn out and really ready to go to plan B. Plan B is hard. Every day I resist the temptation to see how WH is doing.

My update:

Last night I had a long drive back from a business meeting in really awful weather (fog and ice and slick roads). At one point, I could only see the lights of the truck in front of me. There was no way to really pull over. It hit me on the last mountain pass that I felt very alone and I just cried and cried.

I don't know if it's that I realized I was so dependent upon WH in these situations. I would always call and let him know before I got on the road and he would always give me advice and ask that I call him at certain times to let him know how I was. This was true even during the A and these past nine months of plan A. I started crying last night because I hadn't had anyone to tell that I was getting on the road or that I was scared or that I finally got home.

I have a lot of friends and they are all being supportive and calling to make sure I am okay. It's just that I feel a profound sense of loss not having WH in my life. On the other hand, his continued A was hurting me very badly and hurting me to the core. I guess this conflict of emotions is "normal" right now, but it feels awful.

I went out at lunch and bought a really nice pair of kind of form fitting pants that look pretty good on me (ok, I don't look like Cyndi Crawford, but I think a few heads will turn when I wear these). I needed some kind of lift and I have to go to a conference this weekend. I needed something with some oomph. I also bought my first pair of thong underwear (ok Going Crazy tell me please how do you get accumstomed to these?!?). I am not a fan of these things in terms of comfort, but maybe it's an acquired comfort. I have this irrational fear that my pants are going to disintegrate or something I'll be standing in the middle of a restaurant or cocktail party in these revealing underwear. Totally irrational, but it does make me laugh thinking about it.