I a'm about ready to just say he** with my marrige! No matter what i do or say i just can't get anywhere. For those who know my story, My H has now went and done something really out of this world. A few months back my H was laid off of work drawing uninployment. Well to make a long story short He got a job while he was still drawing uninployment but..... He did not report the fact that he worked for 1 full month on this job, and still drew the uninployment checks. How i know this is i got a letter yesterday stating that he owed back the uninployment office over 1000.00 dollors, and that they were taking him to court over this as he was supposed to have a phone interview with them and missed the appt. Now i confronted him about the letter i read and this is what he told me. He said owe the uninployment office just thinks i owe them that money but i don't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Said i will call them and explain to them why i missed the appt. but never has. Not to mention all the outher lies he tells me consently. I can't talk to him, as we fight if he knows i caught him in a lie, and tels me to shut up. I can't confront him about nothing as he just lies to me on everything. I CAN'T TAKE THIS PLEASE PLEASE HELP.

in the dark -- The lying just becomes a part of the WH's life as far as I can tell. Once they start, it snowballs into other lies. I think it is pretty typical for the WH to become angry with the BS when confronted. I try not to confront my WH unless I have direct evidence of the A in my face. For example, I know that he gets speeding tickets that affect our car insurance and also has not gone back to the doctor for what could be a serious condition. At first, I would confront him and tell him I know this has happened or that hasn't happened. He would get angry and deny, deny, deny. I realized it wasn't getting me anywhere and just making me anxious/crazy. I had to decide to let it go and not raise things that did not greatly impact my health or financial well-being. Sounds nuts I know, but it was a decision to keep me from losing it all the time.

I don't know your whole story, but it seems that you are really struggling with all of this lying and anger. I think what the Harley's would suggest would be to not raise anything directly with your WH unless you feel you can do it calmly and without LBing. Really hard thing to do I know. Do you feel you've been calm and raising issues in a respectful way or do you feel like you just lose it (that was me for sure early on)?

Unsureheart,
Yes there were times when i talked to him very calmly, And still never got anywhere. U are right on the
lies, they end up with 1 lie never ending. The reason i a'm so scared is the unenployment office as i said has turned this over to the fraud office. I have no part in this as it was all my H. But if something was to happen and he goes to jail where a'm i left? U see i have medical problems andi have seziures, and can't work full time to take care of my self. I have family but... i coulden't go home as i can not place that kind of burden on them to help me till i get on my feet. My meds alone cost me over 400.00 a month and they could not afford that as my dad is retried, and on a monthly income. My H knows this so he can treat me any way he wants to, knowing i have no where to go. U see my H has lied to me ever since we have been together, going on 12 yrs now. He keeps me in the dark on everything in this marrige. If i try to confront him on things i know he lied about, he either says that is not so and gets angry and tells me to shut up, or he lies to me. Counseling is out of the question for us as we did go b/f and all he did was turn everything around on me and make me so confused i diden't know if i was coming or going. See i have a memory problem due to my meds i a'm taking for my seziures and he knows this and uses this againest me. It seems like all i can do is just wait and hope he changes. Cause i can't get no ANSWERS out of him on anything, b/c they are all lies. I f u would like to know more on my story tell me and i will be glad to tell u. Cathy

Dear inthedark_45, I am fairly new here but I have read a lot of posts for some time now and I have gone back and read your previous posts. My heart breaks for you for all of the anguish you have endured and having to go through it all with the health problems and fears that you have as well. I want to give you my opinion of what it sounds to me, from my own personal life's experience, might be going on with your H.
I have a son who was addicted to cocaine and alcohol for 3-4 years. He has been clean and sober, has given his heart and life to God and is living a wonderful, spiritual, fruitful life for 4 years now. His dad, my first H, was also addicted to drugs and alcohol. I have worked with a drug recovery program for some time now, and I have learned from my own past situations and from the people in the recovery program the signs of a return to using again. It sounds to me, that is what is going on with your H. There might be an OW or there might be fellow users but I do think that is what is going on with him. The pattern of #1.Lying #2.the money and quiet a large sum #3. staying gone all night until next evening and coming in as if all is ok #4.the attitude he has
Cathy, I honestly think he is using. I would love to be wrong although your problem would not be solved but at least I could eliminate one but I think he is back into his addiction to drugs. Addictions have a large list from drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, porn, food, people(controling them), and more. You cannot fix him. If you have a program in your town of AA(ALCOHOL ANONYMOUS)NA(NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS)CA(COCAINE ANONYMOUS)a call to their organization might help you find answers to what to do. Your H is in denial, obviously, and until he gets to the place where he is ready to get help, you are going to have to take care and think as clearly as possible for your sake. I do not want to create more panic for you but I had to tell you what I think is your problem with him.
Now, listen to me. No matter what is going on you have got to take a slow deep breathe and let it out slowly and find some calming ways to think. I have been in that panicy,"oh,my God what to do" place and you can go off on a tangent and a rage if you don't check yourself and it will only create more boggled thinking for you. There are ways for you to make it financially I do believe. There are programs that will help you get your meds free for a limited time, there is government assistance, there are some physicians and facilities that have free visits and there is someone that I go to who never fails me. God. I don't know your beliefs but I can tell you that I am already saying prayers for you and I know in my heart that you can make it through anything that you set your mind to and have the determination to get through. I tell people that I have 'run through he## with gasoline on my underwear and came out without even smelling like smoke." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You can do it,too.
You already know that stress can bring on seizures.(I worked the medical field for years.)You already know that you cannot think or function properly when in a panic so take that deep breathe and start thinking positive.A clam talk with your H asking him, with concern, if he is using again might work. Chances are he will deny it, get angry and upset but YOU remain calm and concerned for now. Let it go for then and start your plans for taking care of your needs. Talk to your doctor about the free meds program. Tell him about your financial situation and ask if there is any way to get help. Call your local medicaid office and ask for their advice and what they can do. If you have a church, talk with your minister and tell him/her of your delema.Start doing something for your welfare and start realizing that you cannot change your H. YOU are important and you have probably been so focused on him so much and so hurt for so long you have set YOU aside. Pick yourself back up again and realize that you are good, important, and special. "God don't make no junk!" I hope you feel and see the concern in this post. I have more I want to tell you but I hope this is a beginning of some possible answers for you. I have found that even if the answers are not what I want them to be, at least finding some answers are a positive beginning.If I am wrong about the drugs, I am sorry and you can still work on finding some of the help I suggested. Thanks for listening. Hope it helps.
Deep breathe, calm actions, steady thinking. You got to do it lady and you CAN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kings kid!,
Thank u soooo much for your advice. Ia'm a born again christian, also a baptist. U are right i have to stop this and just take care of me. But God it is so hard. I try and try to get all of this out of the back of my mind but it seems inpossible. See i also had a gut feeling he was cheating on me as well. Here are some reasons why i think he is. 1 He wanted to go to a gocart race a month or so back, and i ask him if i could go. This is what he said. NO!!!! I just want to be bye myself. I said well i thought it would be nice if we could go together and make a weekend out of it, and he again said no for 1 i really can't afford a motel this weekend. Now it would of only been for 1 night. YEAH RIGHT is how i felt when he said he could not afford 1 night. Anyways he went ahead and left early that morning the race was not untill the next day. i ask him why are u leaving the day b/f the race and he told me well mom called and wanted me to help them on there farm. Which she did call but that was a week before he decided to go to he race. So anyways as i said he left that morning around 7:00 am took him 2 hours to get there. Also his mom is not to far from where the race was at. So he leaves comes back home the next night at 9pm enters the door and the first thing he tells me is all about the race like i could care less. Then goes into the bathroom takes a shower and goes to bed. That is just 1 thing. Then about 2 weeks later after he was home from the race i checked my snoop software i had in my computer at the time and this is what i saw. Did u have a wonderfull weekend. That was all it said. Now u know as well as i know u don't ask a nother man did u have a wonderfull weekend, u would say it a different way if asking a man a question like that. Now a nother reason i think he has been cheating on me is this. When he was laid off of work and drawing unenployment 1 day i walked in the back bedroom and he was on the phone, when he saw me walk in i heard him say iI GOT TO GO BYE!!! and hung the phone up very fast. When i confronted him about this he said oh i was talking to the unenployment office, so i said ok but knew he was not as the unenployment office was closed that day, and besides that u woulden't say that to the unenployment office. I also knew he would just lie to me more if i kept asking him about the call. And a nother reason i feel he is also cheating on me is that i have found some things in his documents that said this. girl's mall which when i opened it there were 6 pictures of the same girl. looked like a webcam picture sent to him. then i saw this.... mylov but it would not let me open it to see what it was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> See i know very little about computers and can't get alot of things opened. Now 1 more big issue is that awhile back he was supposed to file bankruspy even told me he did file, even got money from a friend to help us. Well i ask him 1 day i said why is this taking so long and he gave me all sorts of excuess from the atorney was on vacation to i can't get a hold of him to ask him so on. so i fount the number to the attorney office and called them. He told me that he never did file. So i confronted him about it and first he tried to lie his way out of it then finally said no i did not file, i took the money to pay past bills. yeah right, he don't pay the bills now on time. Never have found out what he did with the money. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Among so many outher things he has done that would take me forever to tell u. Cathy

You are very welcome. I came here as the result of my H having an A. We have been married for almost 15 years. We are 17 months into recovery and doing really well most of the time. He was with an OW for at least 7 months and left me to live with her for 2 of those months. I have been through a lot and it was the worst thing to ever happen to me. God has been the one to sustain me through the devastation and our rebuilding. MB has been a real help for us. Pepperband helped me with answers to my questions and I still say prayers of thanks for her and her wisdom.
My H is a fisherman and we have always gone fishing together. During his A he would refuse to allow me to go with him, return late at night and claim he was stuck on the boat ramp. Yea, I knew he was stuck somewhere but not on a boat ramp but he denied it and I wanted to believe that he was anywhere but with an OW. I experienced D-DAY and it all came to light. He never admitted anything until I caught him.He refused to end it saying he did not know what he wanted. I allowed him to stay and he told me the next day that he told her it was over. HE LIED. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He left one day a month later and did not return home saying he was staying at a male friend's house. We had never had fights, arguments or a lot of LBing.We always had a great M. He just said he was so full of shame and guilt that he needed time to himself.He was lying again. I ended up finding out again on #2 D-DAY 2 months later when I found him at her house. She is a single woman.I told him to come home then but he said no that he was going to the male friend's house then. He lyed again. He came to spend the weekend with me and I found his pager hidden in his vehicle with pages from the OW. He begged on his knees, in tears, for me not to divorce him and to let him come home to stay.I had already started with PLAN B and had never read about it either.I had consulted with a lawyer. He told me the entire time that he loved me and did not want a divorce and that he would come home. You would not believe the lies he told me during that period of the A. They do not get honest about A's very often, so don't expect the truth from him. Your H could very well be having an A and the OW is involved with the drugs too. It sure sounds like there is an OW but you cannot change that, you must still focus on taking care of yourself while the discovery comes to light. Read the articles on the MB site and be prepared.I wish I had found this site long before I did. I was amazingly doing PLAN A and I had never read about it so I know it was God that was guiding and directing me to do the right thing during my H's A. You have an advantage here with the info and the people that many did not have. Thank goodness. You have been watched over without knowing it,too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
That was the situation with my son. He had a fiance who he would cheat on with someone he would do drugs with. His fiance had a child by him yet when the addiction would take over he was focused only on the using and nothing else. He loves his little boy so very much and was and is the best dad in the world but he struggled with the cocaine until it almost destroyed him.
The amount of money that has vanished is a real red flag with your H. I wish there was some way you could have him tested. It only stays in the system for 3 days after using so it would have to be soon after use.I have known people to stay clean for a year-18 months to several years and start back using. I just believe that is going on with your H. He has every sign. I am so sorry that you have this going on in your life and I wish I had an instant cure all for you. Stay as strong as possible and pray for more strength. It worked for me and when I was at my weakest times, it was God that watched over me and sustained me. I am so glad that you have HIM too. Stepping out on faith and trusting in God is not an easy thing to do but it works. So do your part and I will say prayers for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kingskid,
Thank u again, I will take it to JESUS. Oh i wanted a little advice,on what u think of something if u don't mind. 1 night my H and i was out to dimmer last week and i wanted to see if i could bluff him. So as we were sitting at the table eating dinner i told him i knew he was cheating on me. This was his responce. I have no desire to cheat on u, I then got upset and started crying cause i had that gut felling he was. All of a sudden he got very super quiet and diden't speak to me the rest of the dinner or on the way home. And when he got home the first thing he did was go straite to bed without saying a word to me. Then the next day when he returned home from work he acted as if nothing took place the night before. Actually he was really nice to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Then he handed me a card when he got home with a little suprise, this is what the card said. sometimes i feel like it is just u and me againest the word, and on the inside of the card it said and the world is cheating. What does that sound like to u? I ask him the day he got me the card what that meant on the inside and he said oh u know the saying u and me againest the world. I then said yes i know that part and what that means but i want to know what the inside means. he said Cathy i a'm really tried and just can't think now. Will tell u tommrow. Oh by the way would u happen to know what all the signs are when someone is using coke. I mean like there eyes and such attitude, so on. Cathy

Cathy, The words in the card I would take to mean that he was trying to say something nice and positive about your relationship together. "You and me against the world and the rest of the world is cheating" would make me think he was saying that even if the rest of the world has gone kind of crazy and not being faithful in love relationships, that the two of you have a special one of remaining faithful to each other. Sounds like he was either trying to make you feel better at the time or trying to make you feel like he was not seeing someone else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> JMHO
The signs of cocaine use will vary some depending on when you see him...during the use or later on after using and how it is being used. The one red flag I notice is eating habits change. They usually experience weight loss but that depends too on the individual and how overweight they are as to whether it is noticable for a while. The money not being accounted for and the lying, not coming home for long periods of time,etc. Has he sold or been unaccounting of any of his possesions lately, such as tools, sports gear,collectibles,etc? Pawned items or borrowed money? Here is a copy of one list for some of the signs of cocaine use.
Dilated pupils, sweating
weight loss
sinusitis and /or runny nose
Hypersensitivity to visual and auditory stimuli
Insomnia followed by exhaustion and over-sleeping
absent for 24 hours - several days
complains of being tired more than usual after return
Appetite suppression or intense hunger
Sexual dysfunction

Dramatic mood changes:
elevated self confidence
agitation, anxiety, depression, irritability
paranoid, suicidal ideation
Unable to hold a job
Arguments and fighting with friends, family
Financial and/or legal problems: rent arrears, checks are "lost or stolen" or not accounted for.
No food in house if living alone.
Very "chatty" and self-centred
Highly skilled at manipulation; seduction
Denies and lies.

Please know that some of these can also be the result of other things and I would love to be wrong about his using but it is best that you know early. Again, I am sorry that life is such a mess for you right now. Keep your dignity and your cool. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />