Hello all:

This is my first post here. My W and I have been married 14 years. We have a daughter who is 8. I recently began to suspect my wife was having an EA with the H of a couple we were good friends with. It was obvious after the four of us went on vacation together. Recently the other H & W separated, and despite my uneasiness, my W and I helped him move and rennovate his new house.

My W always dismissed my concerns, calling me paranoid and controlling, etc. I finally decided to snoop on her e-mail and discovered not only an EA, but discussions about a PA.

I went to a lawyer who suggested hiring a PI to establish "opportunity", and I have taken steps to protect assets and build a case for divorce.

My wife sensed my withdrawal and finally confessed to the E/A, sort of. She says they were "too close", but stopped short of saying she loved him. She alerted the OH to my concerns and he and I talked about things. He maintained that they did not have a PA, but that they were very very close freinds. Afterward he emailed both of us and said he would stop all contact with both of us. My W blames me for having to give up the EA with the OH.

So now here I am. I still love my wife very much, despite what she has done. I have told her I forgive her, but she does not believe me. I'm not sure I do either. Prior to my knowledge of the EA, I read Dr. Harley's book HN/HN and have taken a lot of it to heart. I can see that she needed emotional support from the OH because I didn't give it to her. I still feel very guilty for that. She still gets very defensive about her involvement with the OH, and still defends her actions by blaming me. She has said she doesn't love me. Now, she has started emailing me with an itinerary every day. All she wants to dwell on is how I don't trust her (Why should I!?!). I have not confessed snooping on her email or the attorney or PI, and don't plan to until I can believe their A is over. That makes me feel a little guilty, too, but I don't see any other choice.

I have been in Plan A for about a month, even though I only had proof of the EA last week. I have been working very hard to improve me, and she has noticed, but she is still withdrawn. I would like to believe she is entering conflict (as opposed to withdrawal), but I can't be certain, and can't stop wondering about the unconfessed PA they had.

As an aside, my wife noticed me reading Dr. Harley's book, and apparently checked into it a little bit. When I made casual reference to a LB, she said "Don't start with that crap". She thinks the whole MB philosophy is junk, so I'll have to work on this alone for a while. I have been suggesting counselling for months, but she refuses to even consider it.

I'm in quite a mess. Any suggestions or encouraging advice would be appreciated.

J

jmx,
You probably don't feel that you have a lot of positives going for you, but when it comes to marriages dealing with infidelity, I see some good things you are doing.

1. Marriagebuilders and especially the infidelity forum are great resources. You've already read HNHN, meet your wife's needs as well as you can. I'd recommend reading SURVIVING THE AFFAIR as well and all the other basic concepts here.

2. It sounds like the other man has broken off contact, that is a good thing whether your wife believes it or not because if he doesn't want to be around her, after awhile she is likely to think more clearly.

3. Even if your wife blames you, you aren't the one to blame, she is. She is the one who chose to give her attention and affection to the OM. Inappropriate or exclusive (not marital) opposite sex relationship aren't a right a married person has if it causes concern or pain to their spouse.

4. You might want to go to counseling on your own if your wife won't go, she may later join you. Being betrayed is a major issue, and you may need help in dealing with it.

And, whether your wife thinks MB is junk...it isn't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . It is a really great way to make a healthy marriage better, restore troubled marriages, and even if the marriage doesn't survive, MB aids individual success and recovery.

My marriage is one that MB saved.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks for the kind words Lor

Last night, the OM emailed us both and said that they had been "too close" and that he would back off. My W responded with an email to OM and me also admitting they were too close, but that she could not trust me to "fill the void" left by OM. She says she will stand on her own for now and doesn't know what she will do long term. She described our marriage as fundamentally flawed and described what she was looking for in a husband. Her description would be impossible for anyone to meet (even she admits that).

I have resigned myself to continuing with Plan A, because she is still in withdrawal. I feel this overwhelming urge to DO SOMETHING but I know from experience that it won't help if I suddenly try changing things. I have made a lot of positive changes in my behavior toward her and others already, and it's all I can do to keep my sanity as it is. She still thinks my behavior is an act.

Right now, her main issue with me is trust. Neither of us trusts the other. She sees that as a permanent roadblock to improving our marriage. I would like to try and rebuild that trust we used to have, but I don't know how. Any suggestions as to where to turn? For her, counselling is not an option.

J