Hello, I'm Nicole and I'm new here. I am the wayward spouse. This is very difficult for me.
My H and I are now looking for a counselor and even though it is difficult we are making some effort. The problem now is when we argue he throws the affairs up in my face. I do understand how he feels justified to say these things, he's hurt, angry, just basically destroyed. I know the feeling. My parents went through it and I went through it w/ a boyfriend, thank god I didn't marry him. He just wanted to fool around, period. and then I went throught it again,unknowingly I was the OW. When I found out I called off every thing w/ both of them.

Yesturday I found out some things at work that both my H and I agreed that I should leave. I have wanted to start a daycare in my home temporarily for a while until I can get a seperate place to move my daycare. I told my H that's what I wanted to do this time in one of our finished basement rooms.

He staunchely refused. I felt so hurt. The room I want to use is a room in the basement that he worked very hard to finish. He put a pool table, wieght system and a Mrs. Pac Man video game down there. It really is a fun room. Originally I wanted that room for myself, for my arts & sewing, etc....Mind you he has an almost fully equipped entertainment room to call his own. But, I finally agreed to the other room becoming what it is, even though that's not what I really wanted.

He refused to give up his room. When I started telling him that he just didn't want to sacrifice his toys or inconvience his wants for my needs he only argued more. Then in reply to something I said he brought up the affairs. The message was "why should I care about what you need when you didn't care about what I needed." How do you argue against that. He's since apologized.

I was so distraught. My own actions already condemn me. I'm disfellowshipped. And I have a guilty conscience before God and my husband. Is this fair for him to do? It doesn't feel fair. But, in all honesty if the shoe were on the other foot I would be far worse than him. But, it only fed into my depression. I cry even now just thinking about it.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't make me feel as though I have a right to anything. It's his house and money because I don't pay for anything. yes,I do work. If he made 100,000 a year I make 8,000 and accept for one year I have managed all of our sons daycare cost and my wants.

I only felt valued in the beginning of our relationship and then many years later when I told him that I had met someone that caught my interest. But, neither has he felt valued. I can't see the forest for the trees. If he's going to throw darts and devalue me then there is nothing to work on. I did wrong, yes. I stopped, yes. There are no contacts nor is there a desire. I've prayed and God has helped me.

After my first fullblown sexual affair I put myself in a position w/ another man that I decided I didn't want to have sex w/ and he raped me. After that I had more affairs over the summer. They were all out of anger and had nothing to do w/ reacting to my marriage. my H thinks that they were done as revenge but they weren't, it was self hatred. I'm too smart to kill myself although I've battled suicidal thoughts for over a year now, which included a stay in a mental hospital. Now I know what not to say to the counselor.Lol

All through out this depression it has been about self-hatred. When I stopped hating myself my depression began to lift and so did the desire to take advantage of men sexually. To use them as I had been. Now, I want to be in good standing w/ my congregation again. I don't think I'm 100% committed to this relationship, but, I am 100% recommitted to God. How can I say that? Because I trust God and not man. I will not stay in this relationship wether I did wrong or not and have what little self-esteem I have left ripped to shreds. We desperately need counseling. He needs and deserves a place for his anger to go. what do you guys think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My H will be reading this too.

Hi Nicole. So, I assume you're familiar with the very famous passage of Ecclesiastes:

<strong>To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;</strong>

I'm just suggesting that if you are still at this point not in MC, maybe this isn't the best time to make big changes. Give it time. Right now is "a time to heal."

<small>[ October 01, 2002, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: Riff ]</small>

First of all welcome.

And second, I would like to advise you to read everything in this website, and to purchase the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. If possible, contact Steve Harley or his sister Jennifer Harley Chalmers for consultation.

Nicole YOU are responsible for chosing to engage in multiple A's(affairs)instead of constructively dealing with your personal problems. But BOTH OF YOU are equally responsible for the state your M(marriage) has found itself in for the last couple of years. I say these things because they are true and not because of any malice on my part to humiliate any of you.

How long ago was D-day(discovery day for your H(husband))? I ask because if it's just recently then his anger, hatred, resentment, hurt, etc. are perfectly normal reactions. He is like a wounded animal and when he sees you he is reminded of the wound inflicted by your A's. In fact, he is very vulnerable to engage in what's called 'revenge' A's not so much to hurt you but to repair his shattered self esteem. If you love him and want to remain married to him, then you will have to have a lot of PATIENCE, and give him any information he requests of you regarding your A's. I know that you have suffered for your A's and the horrible rape that you were subjected to, but leaving because you can not handle his reactions is not going to help you in the long run and just compound your problems just like your A's did. You need to learn why you did what you did and take action to avoid repeating your mistakes, otherwise you will be doomed to fail not only in this M but in any subsequent one as well.

To Nicole's H.

Do you really love your W(wife)? If so, don't you know that your angry outbursts and resentment, do absolutely nothing to heal it and make it into a better one for both of you? Your feelings are normal but your negative comments to your W will not make her want to stay married to you. Sure she was the one that broke her vows by indulging in adulterous relationships, and yes she has to work on her end to heal herself, but so do you. If you continue with your emotional abuse, there is the very high likelyhood that she will leave you one of these days. You don't need to punish your W because she is already being punished by her guilty conscience in a far more brutal fashion that you can ever imagine.

And just like I told your W, please read everything in this website and the above books.

Both of you understand that you are not the only people that have gone thru this hell. Almost everybody here has, and we are here to help each other in dealing with the ordeal that infidelity causes.

God bless you both.

Nicole and Mr. N,

Welcome to MB. I hope you and your H can get to MC soon. If you can't locate one near you, call the Harley's they can do phone counseling. Their number is located under the counsel section at the top of this page. We spoke to Steve and it was truly worth it.

Your H has anger issues. Each BS has different reactions. Even varies between H & W BS types or just personalities. Either way, help is much needed for the both of you.

Read up on the basic concepts section above and get ahold of the books, his needs/her needs & surviving an Affair. If you can both take the EN questionnaire, it would be a good start.

take care,
L.