Hi everyone,<P>The OM is back in the office today, it really sucks. As soon as he came in he gave me that puppy face and sad eyes. In a really quite and shakey voice he said "how are you, how was your week", I said "very good, nice vacation?" and he said "could of been better", before the conversation went any further I quickly cut it off and said "have a good day". <P>It's only 10:15AM and it's hard already. I've already felt the stares from him and almost feel his pain. It's killing me not asking him about his week and just talking to him.<P>I did have a wonderful weekend with my husband, we could of had some potential blow ups but we both avoided them very well. We actually communicated! Lots of quality time together and lots of love units deposited.<P>I keep thinking of that and trying to get my mind off of how cute the OM looks today and how much I missed seeing him.

Any further contact would be disrespectful to your H, a compromice of your goals and a diservice to the OM.<P>Any benefit would be a short term "good" feeling, followed by a lie or lie of ommission to H. And if you are serious about marriage, you would be stringing OM along.<P>I'm about nine months into recovery from H's brief affair. Luckily he met a stranger and didn't see her after discovery. He did maintain phone contact for two more months and of course lied about it. Although I believe he was serious about recovery, was remorseful and thought this contact did not threaten our relationship, it is a huge sticking point with me. I know my H feels that the affair or continued contact was not worth the devastation it caused. He would go back and erase it if he could. I know he can't and we are doing well in spite of it.<P>You have the chance to end it or do more damage by ANY further choosen contact. Please don't make the mistake of thinking a little conversation won't make a difference long term. It does.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

What a putz this guy is! He dumped YOU, remember? So even if you want to say that you LOVE him, even if you weren't married, you got dumped by a guy who still wants to keep you on the string, "just in case".<P>If that doesn't help you see him clearly, I don't know what will.<P>Any news on the job front?<P>Hey, no one ever accused me of subtlety.

That must have been tough. God, I could imagine the same conversation with my OM. It doesn't help the situation when the OM says that he didn't have a good time with his wife on vacation. He's making you think that he still wants to be with you...but if that were the case he would confront you and tell you he's leaving his wife for you.<P>Since that's not going to happen he's continuing to string you along by making you feel sorry for him.<P>It sounds like you had a good weekend with your husband...try to concentrate on that. I think it would really benefit you to find a new job.<P>I'm dying to call the OM right now...not to talk about "us", but just to say hi...oh, well.<BR>

Hey, I am so sorry I have to agree with everyone, most especially Trust.....the more contact you have with this individual the harder it will be on everyone, especially yourself. You have made a resolve to make your marriage work and I think you need to lay it on the line with him. He must realize that since he won't or can't commit to you fully and your husband is very willing to do so that he must back off and let you live the life you deserve. If he was a decent man he would do so.....Your husband is willing to give his all. Lay down the law with the OM and let him know he needs to back off, you deserve a better life than what he's offering and you deserve the opportunity to work things out with you H without his "Puppy Eye" interference! God Bless you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Holly, I read about your weekend, and what the priest said about feelings fading, is there anything you can eleborate on that may help me?<P>I realize the OM is also going through withdrawal but doesn't he know how hard he's making it on both of us? I want to just yell at him and say "stop it, you said you wanted to work out your marriage for your son, so leave me alone". I'm not an aggressive type so it's hard.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 13, 1999).]

Hummingbird--<P>What the priest said really made things clearer for me.<P>He said that when decide you want to marry someone and enter into the commitment it was "feelings" that originally pulled you there. These "feelings" make it easy to know you love one another.<P>He said that these "feelings" will end! (which made me feel good, because I just assumed if I didn't have "feelings" anymore I must not love my husband)<P>He said at this point you have to make a conscious decision to love and it's a deeper stronger kind of love. I'm not really familar with the bible, but he said it's explained there as 4 different stages of love. I'll find out what passage it is for you... Corinthians something or other.<P>This totally opened my eyes up to the fact that just because I don't have the "feelings" anymore that I can still love my husband and have a fulfilling marriage.<P>That's what made the OM so addicting...those feelings are so great! But, I have to remember that I did have those for my husband at the beginning and they would also fade with the OM...I would constantly be trying to find "feelings" throughout my life and never have a lasting marriage.<P>I know how your feeling about telling the OM to leave you alone. I know you want to say it but deep down you really don't want him to...in a way you want him to always be there for you. You don't want him to remember that you said that to him...you don't want to be the one to make the decision.<P>It sounds like the choice has already been made...so it's probably best for you to walk away quietly...so you don't have any regrets.<P>I also read somewhere recently about acceptance...and how even in a bad situation, if you accept it you will find it easier to move on. Maybe if you try to accept the situation as it is you will feel better. Accept that it's reality and move on from there.<P>

Thanks Holly, that did really help. Can you read my mind? That is how I feel, and it is hard. <P>So if I'm understanding correctly, it's not that I'm not in love with husband anymore it's just a different stage of love? It does really make a difference knowing that.<P>I'm trying to accept it and move on but I guess I will feel the miss and "what if" we happened or he changed his mind until I'm truly over him and through this withdrawal.

I think we're going through the same exact thing...so I'm only telling you what I've thought.<P>I really feel for you having to work with the OM giving you puppy dog eyes all the time...I want to go to your office and punch him out for you.<P>Be strong...don't think about the "what-ifs", (even though I do that myself). Think about how if you were to marry the OM you would have to deal with his wife for the rest of your life. <P>I've often thought that since my OM has a child it would be tough to deal with a bitter ex-wife. I would be afraid it would make it to difficult for the OM and he would end up leaving me to go back to his wife.<P>Gotta go, I will try and post more tonight.<P>

Hummingbird,<P>sorry I'm late... I totally understand what you're saying! My OM (I hate to say he's mine, but...) tried to talk to me on Friday to tell me he thinks he made a mistake by not choosing me over his sig. other when he had the chance. Blah, blah, blah... nearly broke my heart but I mustered all my energy and told him (actully YELLED at him) that he made the RIGHT decision! It was hard... things are real tough with my H right now, and the fact that OM still cares and I have to look at him... well, you understand. He's out sick today, and that's always a good day!

Wow new_beginning, that must be really difficult to hear...keep hanging in there...I hope things get better for you.

Hummingbird,<P>From someone that has gone through the exact same things you are now going through (it's all too similar), I hope you'll think about this. I realized I couldn't work with the OM anymore, the "puppy dog eyes" sad look and everything else that he did to "reign me in" I looked at later on as a ploy, he had some motive behind this, and I realized it after a time. I worked with him for about 3 years, 2 1/2 we were involved, but pretty sporadically. I know it's hard, you have a friendship, and that time spent together you enjoyed. But it's putting things into perspective. Imagine this: You separate from your H, move in with OM. Tell me how things would change. We always see each other's best when we don't have those day to day involvements with the OP, and although I can completely understand your feelings, because I had them too, I started disliking the OM when I thought about in in realistic terms. It's really hard to separate those feelings from what you know is "right", but let me tell you now that I could never imagine being without my H..we've regained the love we had before, and then some. I think sometimes people who have been involved and what they perceive to be in love with someone else will just say, "concede to the fact, and try to accept your present feelings"..and I don't agree with that. <P>Bottom line is this, I think you need to get away from this OM completely, to be able to figure it all out. That's the #1 thing here. It's hard to get over it, when you're faced with it daily. Take care.

I'm really going to punch him in the face today! He's pressing my buttons and I know I have to get away. No luck yet in finding another job, there is hope he may moving to another part of the building (I work in a very large company over 2,000 employees), if he does I'll never see him.<P>The huge problem is every morning there is interaction, at least a goodmorning, this morning we both ended up in the kitchen putting our lunches away and we were alone. He said "goodmorning, how are you" and I said "good morning, great," and quickly walked away. He came over to my desk and said with tears in his eyes "I'm not good, not at all" and then walked away. I said nothing. <P>Of course I could smell him which drives me crazy and I feel bad but I also feel like strangling him!

Hummingbird--<BR>What does he expect you to do when he says that stuff? He wants you to say okay, let's talk and then you'll get back into the same old thing and he'll never leave his wife.<P>The guy is obviously hurting, but he made his decision and he has to live with it. Now you have the opportunity to work on your marriage.<P>PS...I liked what Madelyn had to say.

Maybe next time he says he's not good at all tell him it's not your problem and then believe it. It really isn't! You were willing to do anything for him and he blew it and you don't need for him to tell you how he blew it, you already knew. Now your trying to do something good for you and he needs to realize that since he blew it with you that he needs to back off and let you do whats good for you. I really wish you would stand up for yourself, no matter how hard it is, it sounds as though he's playing a game with you and your too good for that! Good Luck! I am praying for you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

I want to stand up for myself but I also am trying to have little interaction with him. I'm still not strong and I'm afraid having a conversation with him, longer than 1 minute, will pull me deeper in withdrawal.<P>I'm trying to ignore him and think of my husband. I do feel I'm making progress at home. I'm going to counseling again tonight alone and I keep thinking of the last time when she asked me "when things are good at home, do you think of OM less" and I do, that really helps.<P>I truly appreciate everyone's prayers!<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 14, 1999).]