Hey everyone.

Well tonight has turned out to be d-day #2. I found that my WH had opened a new e-mail account. When I confronted him about it (without any tact at all), I said he needed it to receive things he didn't want me to see. Went on to tell me after much persuading (some many call it yelling)that he has remained in contact with her and she is waiting for him.

I now know how people feel that say that d-day#2 is worse than the first one. At least before I knew about the A, I could think of it as "his" game. Something he had over me that only he knew. But now it feels like not only the deceit, but also the slap in the face that says, "HA HA STUPID!! I CAN DO THIS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE AGAIN!!!" Not to mention the fact that he has been reading all of my posts here. Which wouldn't bother me, but I don't like feeling exposed while I am being screwed over. He knew all my thoughts and so much for venting here instead of at him. I am not ashamed of anything I have posted, I just feel violated that my inner thoughts about my struggles to keep it together were shown to the one person I was trying to keep a monotone face on for.

So anyway, I do not feel comfortable sharing my feelings here anymore. We are now getting seperated and I don't think it is in my best interest for him to know what I am thinking and feeling. Especially if the fears, doubts, anger, hurt, and depression do not subside soon. So I am going to let him go. I have no desire to be lied to or made to feel like a cheap hooker anymore. No plan B. Just a goodbye that is tearing my heart open.

I was so mean tonight. I sunk to a new low. I guess I am the vendicive BI##H that he thinks I am.

Why did I move from Houston... I am SOOOO screwed here in UT. I have no job, no car (it broke down today), and my best friends are back in TX. I don't want to fell this way anymore. In fact i don't want to feel anything... How could I have been so stupid to let him hurt me like this again. I don't think he ever even stopped the A. All this time and all he has been thinking of and dreaming of is her. Sorry my heart is aching...

I am calling the boss tomorrow. I gave OW the chance to stay out of my marriage and away from my family. Now she needs to know how it feels to struggle. I know this will pretty much seal the fate of my M, but i am pretty sure I already know that ending. Just that...ENDING. My entire M has been a lie. From the A he had two weeks before we got married to the one that he won't end. I think I was in love with the man I know he can be, he just doesn't want to be that man for me. So I wish him and the rest of you the best. May you find happiness that we all crave and please pray for me to find peace. I will still lurk here and there. And for those of you that know my e-mail, please feel free to write. Love and blessings to you all!

PQ
(AKA Shaunda, 31, soon to be divorced.)

pq,

Sorry for your despair.

Good Luck.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

PQ

I have not posted to you before, but wanted you to know that your story is (like so many others), just horrible. As a FWS I would not, could not, have never, re-started or continued the A after d-day in the face of my H's pain and betrayal. That there are such cruel people out there is beyond me. I am sorry your WS is one of those and cannot see what is happening.

I am sorry you feel you need to move on, but hope that you find some comfort soon for you and your family.

Stay strong.

Lisa

PQ,
Hi i don't think we have ever talked on this forum , But can't u get u a nother name to go under here, Something that u think your H would never guess it was u? I can feel your hurt as my H is lying to me and has been sometime now. So i know where u are coming from. Sorry for your pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But u need to talk to people if nothing else to just get it out. Please consider staying here, but if u don't i understand as well as many here would to. Thinking of u. Cathy

Hi, I am very sad that you had this news.. especially after a good night the other night after the BBQ....

You know they , ws, are truly lost. Maybe a bit of a seperation... or even not that. There might be some hope.. but if you are through, fine. I know what you mean. You are brave.

It is better not to be treated badly.

I too, wonder who my ws is nowadays.. ?

He used to be a wonderful man I loved and believed in. I don't get it, the cheating, never will.

Keep in touch.

I am thinking of you and your pain today. HEY, I had a few ddays and then ow #2. You can get through this.

Hugs, HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

(((((((((pq)))))))))

I'm so sorry. I know you must feel devastated. It's unfortunate that your WH didn't learn anything while he was snooping around here. Even though you don't feel you can post here, please don't cut yourself off from support and friendships outside this site. You need this more now than ever!! Try to get some IC. Look after yourself, make YOU, your first priority. It's unfortunate your WH is so 'fogged' up that he feels it's ok to treat you with such contempt and disrespect (keep in mind that until he fixes himself, he's bound to repeat his mistakes).

Take care of yourself. Even though WH doesn't know it, you are a wonderful person and someday he'll realize that....

pq,

I agree with ITD_45. Get a new username, something the WS won't know, then keep right on posting. The support here is a blessing.

Would you go back to Houston if you could? Without WS? Just curious.

Hang in there and keep it together. You can get through this. Even though it may not seem like it right now. Believe me....I know.

Wishing you the best

jd

I swore I wouldn't do this, but your responces made me cry again. My WH is in a fog, but he is not evil and I don't think is intensionally trying to hurt me. He wrote me a beautiful apology letter and I was so hurt last night that I couldn't accept it graceously. What is wrong with me. I am so mean sometimes. We talked a little this morning. He explained to me how scared he is to talk to me and how vengeful I get when hurt. I guess I need some IC for that and a lot of others.

I didn't call the OW boss. I wanted to hurt her and my WH last night, but today it seems so trivial. I also told WH that he should explore things with OW. She does make him happy and I don't so maybe she is his true love. I just don't want him to look back the rest of his life and wonder what if... Not really for my sake but for him and his next relationship.

I am moving up to my parents house for a week while he finds an apartment, and then moving back down to the house once he is gone. I wish my love bank was overdrawn and I didn't feel the way I do, I still love him, but I won't be hurt again.

I will consider changing my posting name, but I am afaid that I usually put too much detail in my responses. WH is pretty good at figuring me out, so I will ponder that for awhile.

As far as Texas goes... My job has been filled and it would cost a lot to go back. Besides, I do not want to uproot my D any more than I have to.

Anyway, thanks again for all of the support and love shown on this site. Ya'll are lifesavers.

pq -- A big hug is all I can offer. I know exactly how you feel right now. It is more devastating to have a d-day #2 (or 3 or 4 for that matter). Can you take a day off -- by that I mean go do something that takes you away from your day-to-day and just go for a walk or something else to clear your mind? It won't solve anything, but it will help you feel calmer.
I am so sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pq:
<strong>Well tonight has turned out to be d-day #2. I found that my WH had opened a new e-mail account. When I confronted him about it (without any tact at all), I said he needed it to receive things he didn't want me to see. Went on to tell me after much persuading (some many call it yelling)that he has remained in contact with her and she is waiting for him. </strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know how this feels. D-day #2 totally blew me away. Same thing - e-mail account I didn't know about. (After I had asked him if he had any other e-mail accounts.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Is he planning to go to her? This is what I was so afraid of. He did continue contact, but was not going to leave me for her. (She lives far away, so contact was mostly e-mail and phone.) Contact in our case has, I believe, stopped completely. But unfortunately I learned that one can really never know for sure. (Stinks, doesn't it?)
<strong>

[/QUOTE]
I now know how people feel that say that d-day#2 is worse than the first one. At least before I knew about the A, I could think of it as "his" game. Something he had over me that only he knew. But now it feels like not only the deceit, but also the slap in the face that says, "HA HA STUPID!! I CAN DO THIS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE AGAIN!!!" Not to mention the fact that he has been reading all of my posts here.

...So anyway, I do not feel comfortable sharing my feelings here anymore. I was so mean tonight. I sunk to a new low. I guess I am the vendicive BI##H that he thinks I am. </strong> [/QUOTE]

I,too, hope that you can continue on under some other name. You definitely need people to talk to! Is there someone you can talk to at a church or something? If you're not talking to friends, I can't imagine having no one else to talk to about this stuff. Can you call your friends back in Houston? That's what friends are for - to be there for you when you need them. I have absolutely no idea where I would be right now if it weren't for my friends in the real world and this website.

And if you acted like a vindictive B****, it's only because you can only take so much of this. Sure, it's better not to LB, but there are certain situations where that is just about impossible. Most of us have probably been there.

<strong> [QUOTE} I don't think he ever even stopped the A. All this time and all he has been thinking of and dreaming of is her. Sorry my heart is aching... </strong> [/QUOTE]

I feel for you, I really do. I know this feeling exactly, and it's so painful. Please be sure you have somewhere to vent and someone to talk to.

MT

I think you are acting quite rashly here, and will regret all this later.

It is common for BS to snoop and LB when they find things they don't want to hear. That is why SH recommends not snooping after the first D-day if you are not sure that you can handle it.

I don't think you've ever done a good plan A for a sustained period of time. The time before moving were full of constant bust ups. You need to pull yourself together, come home and implement a proper plan A. Look at how going_crazy and aanst are doing it while the WS is living with the other person. You'll be in that position soon if you don't pull yourself together fast. He's still here with you and you are pushing him away to her - handing him to her on a plate.

<small>[ October 02, 2002, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

My H and I had a good 3 hour talk yesterday morning. I think that he and I agree that our marriage has always been shakey and maybe we are just too different. Different goals, different needs and different ideas of what marriage should be. He doesn't want to be with me, so I am not going to "go back home and try to do a good plan A". I am not that strong. I do not understand why leaving after 5 months is something rash! I have tried my best, but apparently my best isn't good enough for him. I will try to do a good plan A (meaning make myself a better person) on my own. I am not willing to allow myself to be hurt like this again. We are not filing for divorce yet, so I guess I will see what transpires in the next couple of months. Maybe we needed time apart to sort out our own baggage. We never did seperate. I don't know. I know that I miss talking to him, he was my best friend. But I think right now I need some time to myself.

Maybe tomorrow,
I don't know if he is going to her. I know that he is starting a new business here in Utah and will not just leave that. But I'm sure he has resumed phone calls and e-mails.

Relate,
I wish I could tell that I could do what going_crazy and aanst are doing. But it's not in my value system to act married and allow contact to continue. I understand that you feel like I am "handing him to her on a silver platter", but I believe in: if you love something set it free, and if it's truely yours, it will come back to you.

Thanks EVERYONE for your insights. I will try to be strong for my D. HUGS!

Shaunda

You are right of course. But you won't be married, or have a warm body next to you keeping you warm.

Tried to change my posting name, then realized that I still had the same member # !!! Then, it wouldn't let me have PQ back, so for now I am pqstill.

Relate,
What would you have me do? My H is ready to move on. I talked to my mother today for about two hours. I guess she talked to my H last night. She made me think that he wanted to sort this out and stick with our agreement of trying for three months. So I called him (he needed to find something and I knew where it was) and asked if he wanted to talk. He said,"What is there to talk about?" Then I apologized about how harsh I had been and explained my feelings on a situation that had been misunderstood. He could have cared less. I don't know what my mother read into during their discussion, but I can assure you that he is not in the same place as I am right now. He actually sounded fine. Maybe he is relieved. I wish I was. What do you want me to do, grovell? Beg him to love me? He wants her. He has been really honest about that, even to my mother. Maybe i will try Plan Aing in seperate homes. Is that what you meant?

By the way, how do you get a new posting name? Do I have to have seperate e-mail accounts?

PQ,

I think when one of us here decide to give up it can feel sort of scary to those still fighting it out. They mean to be encouraging when they tell you to hang in there and keep plan a or b or whatever, but unfortunatley I, like you, like so many others here just know when we are done.

It hits like a ton of bricks and it is just the saddest feeling. You have to force yourself to not love your spouse anymore. It takes a really long time, but some of us had, for our own survival, to see that this person we were married to would never be able to be committed to us again.

I know this sounds terrible, but the "in recovery" forum here at MB helped me make that decision. I saw people stay and hope and pray for years...sometimes the WS even came home and still, a few years later most BS were still unhappy. There is no one that beleives in marriage and marriage restoration more than me. I divorced and it has been very very rough, and ten times rougher on my kids than it was on me, but on D-day number two, 6 months after the first one, with a different woman, this time a long time co-worker I knew I could never again trust him. If you are somewhat at peace with your decision then you know you are doing the right thing.

I wish I could tell you it's all of a sudden easier from that point on...it just takes a really long time to feel good again, but you will...and maybe some day he will wake up and see, but you can't live your life for that time.

Wishing the best for you. Even if you don't feel like you can post come here and read. I've been divorced for months and it still helps me.

allison

I just wanted everyone to know that I have decided to get a new user name. I had to set up a new e-mail account to do it, so those of you that want it, just let me know. Then I will also tell you who i am now... It feels SO good to be mysterious.

One more update and then I will no longer log on as PQ. I am not ready to give up just yet. My Dad told me to go file today, and I told him that would go against all I believe in. As I told him about MB and the philosophies, I realized how much I believe in them. My Dad of course thinks I am a glutten for punishment, but says he will support me in whatever I decide. And I decided that I am going to give my H something I have never given him before...TIME I also think that not having the day to day rollercoaster will be good for me and for him as well. I also made an appointment with Steve H. today. I won't say when so if I post about how it went, I can be JOESHMO and not PQ. Thanks guys for convincing me that this site is something I need for support. I do appreciate it. I lost sight of my goal for awhile, but I think I may be able to continue down this rough path I am on. HUGS!!!

Shaunda