I'm facing a decision that I would like to discuss with you all.

Should I attend a social event tomorrow night with my wife if her ex-boyfriend will be there?

At the beginning of our marriage 1 year ago while discussing past relationships, my wife told me that she would probably never see or speak to her ex-boyfriend. Over the past 2 months they have been communicating via email, over the phone, dinner date that I was invited to and did attend, and attending music shows where the ex-boyfriend's house mate is playing.

My wife has been slowly increasing the opportunity for contact with him and recently brought up with me that during a recent phone conversation with her ex-boyfriend while at work she offered to work for him part time in the evenings at his new business that he owns. She also let me know that his house mate is moving out soon and that we could move in with him to save money on rent.

All throughout this increased contact I have been very honest with my wife about how I feel and especially how I think taking this job would be a serious threat to our marriage since it would take away 15 hours of quality time I spend with her going for walks in the evenings. She already works m-f 8:00-5:00. She correctly assumes I do not want to move in with him. My wife has been very good about telling me what is going on with her and her ex-boyfriend but I'm starting to get the sense that she may not be giving me all the information in order to protect my feelings and avoid conflict. She tells me that he is like family to her and that his friendship is very important to her and I should not take it away from her. She was almost in tears when she said this.

2 nights ago I communicated with my wife the boundaries she was crossing. Here is the content of what I said:

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Importance to me

It is very important to me that you understand the impact your relationship with your ex-boyfriend is having on my feelings and our marriage.

Boundary belief

It is my belief that we as a married couple should avoid nurturing relationships and intimate meetings and communications with members of the opposite sex. Due to the intimate history with ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, special attention to avoid contact should be made.

Boundary crossed

When you setup meetings with ex-boyfriend, discuss issues in your life via email or over the phone, and when I see you interact and show emotions of endearment towards him during social gatherings, it crosses a boundary I feel is required for my emotional health.

Impact on my feelings

When this boundary is crossed I feel betrayed and hurt. I feel that I have to compete for your love and affection. Most importantly to me, I feel unsafe in our marriage.

Actions

It is important to me that I am in a safe and nurturing marriage. If this boundary continues to be crossed I will have to carefully evaluate our long term commitment.
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I believe she is in denial of being in a full blown EA, and in great risk of destroying our marriage. I think she is deep in the fog and will continue to unknowingly put herself into high risk situations that she truly feels are innocent and friendship justified.

Tomorrow night is the next social event that we had previously planned to attend, where her ex-boyfriend will be in attendance. I'm confused if I should attend and in so doing become a part of her fog even if it is to act as a reminder of her love and marriage not to mention be a barrier to PA. Based on my boundary communication it would seem wise not to attend and in so doing be firm in my "out of the fog thinking". Help!

I think you should attend the function. Don't have time to answer more at the moment but wanted to bump this up for others to see and comment on.

Praying for a happy outcome in your situation.

Will try to comment further later.

jd

Hi Trueself,

You just posted on my thread of "What if" then I noticed this one.

IMHO RedFlag RedFlag RedFlag!!!!! She wants you two to move in with him??? how close can you get??? Can you two avoid the social event?? If not you should both go, and when the any overt signs of affection start you can tell her you are feeling humilitated or what ever you are feeling, and let her clearly see the actions she is doing that cause those feelings. Hopefully none of these overt or covert signs even show up. If she won't stop, you may have to leave in disgust. It may get ugly....

Best if you BOTH do not go. But instead go somewhere just the two of you, a favorite activity, show, bowling....

Now is when the openness should start and it is good you have started it. Let her know you can see what is happening, or appears to be happening.

Your issues are not really her and him, but important though they are, the isues are WHY does she want to be with him. What is not being done between you two that the OM is filling....

While she is stilll talking to you honestly and openly is when you need to approach this. Slowly, not threating. Steve harley told me to use the "I" word, not the "WE" because it implies she has done somenting wrong and that could create a defensive mode. I think she already has by saying he is just a friend....I've heard that before.....

My friend, I'm afraid she has already gone foggy. As you have noticed! Your efforts are not to try to educate her but to try to find out what's missing between you,

Good luck, hope some of this rambling has helped.

DRS

My W hasn't brought up going to the social event all week. This suprises me since she is usually very enthusiastic and good at pre planning our events with lots of reminders. I have been trying very hard to meet her EN's and tonight we have planned some exercise together after work followed by me giving her a home cooked meal (one of her EN's), followed by a movie at home.

At this point I like the idea of not going tomorrow and letting her know how I feel about her going. I will also have some alternate event ready that I can suggest.

I believe I have found out what is missing between us that she could see getting from her ex-boyfriend. Need for financial support and need for an attractive mate. The ex-boyfriend is very wealthy with everything W has told me she dreams about having at sometime in her life. The ex-boyfriend has the body of a world class runner/swimmer. I have communicated this to her and she has agreed that I am working to improve my ability to meet both needs. I have also stepped up my ability to meet her need for recreational companionship. All these things have been making a huge difference and I can see her becomming more happy in our relationship. I'm hoping I caught it in time to save our marriage.

I'm unhappy that I waited until the EA began to wake up and make changes in myself. It feels like I'm at the center of a triangle with the 3 points being meeting her needs, avoiding love busters, communicating boundaries.

TS,

Sounds right on target. Does she know about the EN stuff and MB? What you are doing to meet here needs is great, at least you know her needs. And needs will change in the future, so the work you do is forever.....for the both of you. She too needs to know yours needs, beyond SF, to keep your taker from taking over.

You know she will need to agree to NC or the temptation will still be there, and in a moment of low/weakness (perhaps right after an argument between you two)...you get the idea....

It seems her behavior has changed about the preplanning of social events. I think she may be feeling furtive about her reason for wanting to go. She thinks, or feels she needs to hide something about the event. Or it could just be she is busy, go slow, . Talk openly. I still think it is best you BOTH don't go.

She is sensing she is putting to much emotional energy toward being with the OM and taking this energy from your M, and that this is "not right". this seems to be the downward spiral, if the WS would put the same energy of the A into their M instead, a lot could be avoided. Duh??? But they don't see this as emotional energy (I whish I could remember the book I read this from). When they WANT to be with someone, that's engery spent, in thoughts, longing, in wanting to be somewhere else than where they are etc....This is the "we're just friends" that grows if it isn't stopped.

Look for this energy(emotion) because it never stops, it is only directed, ie Love bank for people, as you know, the greater the love bank you have for another determines how much energy you want to spend keeping the deposits coming in.

Try not to feel you are competing with the OM, it will show through with your actions with your wife. Talk to her about her needs, later about yours, and focus on the two of you. Your good to set the boundries and stay lovingly firm. ( I think my WW may not have left the second time if I had been a little firmer)

What you believe and what is real may be different. That said, you know you need to talk to her and have her tell you what her EN's are, that's why I asked about her knowing about the MB concepts.

It sounds like you have a good handle on the MB stuff. How is the communication between you and WW?

Good luck, stay calm and focused,,,,DRS

I have read all your suggestions, insights, and experiences. I feel more centered now and able to look at this situation from a more balanced perspective.

Tonight is the night of the social event. The W has chosen not to bring it up and has even commented that we should do a laundry night together. I would usually think to myself, wow this is great, she is respecting my wishes.

but.... she may be doing so at the expense of her own feelings. I hope someday we both can learn to be better at interdependant negotiation.

I have noticed that she is feeling depressed and is withdrawing from her usual fun self. I'm getting the feeling that I'm commiting a major love buster by not being an enthusiastic partner in enjoying this music/social event tonight.

The wake up call I received when discovering that my W was going outside of our relationship to fill her EN's was a catalyst for major changes in myself. I am walking/running between 4-10 miles each day and am in 3 times better shape than when we married, I enthusiastically attend all her work parties and social events now. Have joined with W in all her favorite recreational activities and invite her to join in mine. My confidence and love for my wife has never been stronger. The social event tonight has been extremely fun for my wife in the past, she likes the band and the chance to socialize with her ex-boyfriend and their mutual friends. When we have attended in the past I always shake hands with her ex-boyfriend and do my best to show my wife how much I love her and respect her for her friendships. The only exception is telling her after the last social event how I felt when she and her ex-boyfriend would have mutual isolated meetings away from me and how I saw affection, admiration, and endearment in her eyes when looking at him.

I am so tempted, based on what I have read in your posts, to suprise my wife with tickets to tonights social event and go with all confidence and try to have a great time even though she seems to have silently agreed not to go.

3 things keep me on the fence of decision.

1) As we were driving home from the last social event my wife commented on how she didn't like her ex-boyfriends girlfriend because she never has anything to say and seems introverted. The reason my wife and ex-boyfriend broke off contact 2 months prior to our marriage was that she asked him out to dinner but when he asked my wife if he could bring his girlfriend my wife told him that he was cold hearted for suggesting it. My wife said she was just joking but as I have learned her jokes can be very hurtful if taken seriously has he did in this case. When I stopped meeting many of my wifes EN's she made up with her ex-boyfriend and met him for rock climbing one day. She asked me to come but I chose not to and let her go with my blessing. Their next and all subsequent meetings I have been in attendance.

2) During the last social event when the ex-boyfriend thought my wife was alone, (I was just around the corner paying the bill) I over heard him invite my wife to lunch. This was a clear 1 on 1 invitation as neither I or his girlfriend were within his site. I spoke to my wife about this and asked her to encourage her ex-boyfriend to treat us like a couple and ask us both to attend and hopefully he would bring his girlfriend as well. She didn't seem happy about this suggestion.

3) The recent bombshell my wife dropped on me about offering to work for ex-boyfriend in the evenings and suggesting we move into the guest house on his property to help us save money.

Thanks again everyone, with just hours away from the moment of truth I find myself about to make one of the most important decisions of my life for what a bystander might see as a very simple decision.

I have learned that while I seem to be focused on her actions I also still need to continue to not judge her and try my best to create the environment which will allow her to tell me what she is going through. Just as all of you have created this environment for me.

We did not go to the social event last night.

I can see an honest attempt from my W to respect the boundary I have outlined to her. We had a very powerful heart to heart conversation, I listened to her empathically and she did the same. Near the end of our conversation she came over to me, sat on my lap and gave me a very heart felt hug with tears in both of our eyes.

She asked, "Will you teach me how to better show my love for you?". Now that sounds like a course I will enjoy teaching.