For those of you who have been following my saga, WH has maintained his sobriety since getting out of the hospital yesterday. He went to his AA meetings last night and tonight and went to his outpatient treatment earlier today. This evening, when I went on our home computer I discovered that he had failed to erase his downloaded e-mails and found the following message from OW:

Hey youuu,

Welcome Home Hun.

Just to say I have missed youuu very very much and Love Youuu with all my
heart, mind, body and soul. My thoughts and prays have been with youuu every
minute of the day and I have been praying for youuu everyday morning and
night. I am here for youuu John, and nothing is going to change the way I
feel about youuu, if anything my love for youuu grows stronger each and
everyday. I am your girl John and always will be. Soon things will be
right and we will be together forever.

Love You Tons
Your Sweet Pea
XXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXX

If I weren't so angry, I would be amused because he is calling her "Sweet Pea", which is what he calls me. This was sent BEFORE my conversation with her on Monday and BEFORE WH told the family therapist and me that he had cut of contact with her (again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and had NEVER told her he was leaving me for her - that he had no intentions of doing so.

As I posted last night, at this point in time, I am more concerned that WH maintain his sobriety than whether or not he is talking to this stupid woman who doesn't realize that she is just like all those other foolish women who believe their OM when he promises them he is leaving his W for them. My son needs a sober father regardless of whether WH and I are able to keep our marriage together and my FIRST and PRIMARY interest has to be my little angel. What should I do about this e-mail beside print out a copy and hold it in my hip pocket? Should I say anything to WH? Should I forward the message from him to me and then reply to her???? If so, what should I say??? What to do, what to do, what to do? I want so badly to call him and her on this, but I don't want to jeopardize his sobriety. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 months
Status: One Day at a Time and having a tough time hanging in there right now.....

this is a good one for Orchid..where is she??

I would not say anything, as much as you want to

My immediate reaction: This lady can't even spell "you".

Apart from that, it's the typical song of the sirenes which will lure your WH back to her... unless he has taken a firm, 100% decision. Which he is not likely to be able to do, at this very moment I suppose. If he falls into the trap, continue with plan A by all means, if you can. If not, then he *has* to stop. But let's take it step by step, maybe he wont reply to her... but dont get your hopes up too high.

My advice, think on it at least one week. Keep it in your hip pocket, go to 2-3 alanon meetings, pray and think.

I don't think plan a involves confronting and always tipped our scale to the negative.. well lately.

I would say with this alcoholic, don't judge or tell him his problems.. focus on his assets, and let him know you still see them.... but do not talk down to him. Compliment him.

good luck, i know alcoholics can drive you insane.

HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Brits Brat,

Well thanks for thinking of me but I am in one of those awful sarcastic moods.... are you sure you want to hear my response>!?!?!?!? LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

See I would be 'very' tempted to respond to that e-mail. First I would find out his temperment. But......

Since he just got out... maybe the real best thing (such bad english - lol) to do would be to drop it until he has a better handle on himself.

U monitor the e-mails and post here. This is the time where you can use your skills here and possibly even get the OW to LB without even saying a word. Learn the look and the sounds that will make your H wonder about you. The positive and negative ones, then use them when needed. In my case the OW called for 4 months after his last known contact with her. Eventually she wore out her welcome (or at least that is what I am told). I keep plan B in my back pocket for emergencies. Haven't had to use it yet!

Don't do so much R talk. His body is dealing with a lot right now. Bramble Rose might be able to help you more in this area. She has done a lot of research on this subject and she is a lady that speaks straight up!

I have been reading your posts and will check back to see how you are doing.

take care,
L.

Orchid, thanks for your advice. You and I think alot alike because I had many sarcastic, not so nice responses to OW little message.

I have done what I feel I can safely do to deal with situation as it now stands. WH and I had time to talk today - like we used to before OW - and it gave me the perfect opportunity to ask him why OW thinks he is going to leave me and move to England if he is laid off. He said he didn't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He added that he can't even think about that kind of stuff because his primary focus right now is his recovery - nothing else. I told him I agreed and wanted him to know that, even if somewhere down the line we didn't work out, he would always be son's father and it was more important to me that out little angel have a sober father and I don't want to do or say anything that would jeopardize that. WH then said that he didn't see why, if he remained sober, our marriage wouldn't work out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I then let the subject die right there. I have no intentions of bringing it up again. It also helped that the best man from our wedding e-mailed WH today in response to an e-mail from WH telling him we were having "issues" without specifying what those issues are. Best man responded that I am one in a million and he should take good care of me and love me regardless of what "issues" we have. WH thinks the world of best man, so that was good.

I would still welcome any advice anyone has to offer re: how to further deal with this and any future e-mails from OW. Pepper, especially...any thoughts to add?

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 months
Status: One Day At A Time

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

I have a family issue to deal with (16 year old child who thinks with his penis ... I'm told this is par .... yikes!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The alcoholic issue is where you should focus ... the OW is a non-issue until he has had a year or two of sobriety. She is a drug, remember? He self-medicates his pain and his confusion.

Let him know how much you appreciate his going to meetings. Then ... YOU go to meetings.

Focus on your boundaries. Write a list of statements starting with ...

"I am certain ......"

I did this, and it helped me focus on my boundaries.

"I am certain I am strong enough to leave an unhealthy relatiuonship" .... stuff like that.

Focus on yourself now. The spouse of an alcoholic has been tiptoeing around the drunks needs most of the time ... stop tiptoeing.... and dance your own dance.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks Pepper! That is exactly where I am at. At this point in time, I am just going to forget about OW and focus on myself. I truly believe that, in time, as WH works on his sobriety, she will become a non-issue. Things have been going so good - I am Plan-ing my butt off and actually like the changes I am seeing in myself (a lot more peace) and the favorable response I am receiving from WH! (SF twice in 1 week - WOW!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 months
Status: One Day At A Time