NEW UPDATE SEE BELOW 10/16/02

I'm sitting here wondering if I'm in a fog of my own. After two months since D-Day, and me moving out of our home and the A that continued for a third time, this past Sunday he said "Let's try to make this work", he picked up the little stuff he had in her house and has been with me since (4 days, no major breakthrough yet!). I'm still living in the new place and I'm hoping (and a LOT of praying) to move back together this Friday, but I'm now wondering is this the best for the both of us? He just told me yesterday that he doesn't know who he misses the most <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> (the OW or me), that he feels he can probably make it work with her, but doesn't want to throw away 8.5 years with me and that I’ve brought back a lot of old feelings he thought were no longer there". BUT……
I wonder, If he is really in love with the both of us, how can I possibly make this work knowing that he has feelings for this person and that while he's with me he wants to be with her? All I think about is letting him go and be with her, if it works then he and I were never meant to be.

Is this crazy for me to feel like this? Am I in the same or different type of Fog or is this just fear talking? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Lost & Hopeless ]</small>

I think you're trying to understand his fog-babble, trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. Leaves you feeling a little dazed.

Right after D-day (18 months ago), my WW gave me a lot of the same babble. She still wanted to see him. Couldn't decide. Needed time to decide.

This is not the MB approach, but I finally told her that b/c we have kids, we ought to make a serious effort to save our M. To see if it could be saved before either one of us just said "I'm outta here." She asked what I meant by making a serious effort. I said, well, for one thing, you can't be basically "dating" the OM. And the other was we needed MC.

She went along with both. Reluctantly, I think, but she did seem to see my point about the kids. Some of her fog-babble was it would be better for the kids if we got a D, instead of being miserable. The babble part is that it acts as if recovery is not an option.

Anyway, this probably more about *me* than you wanted, but I just want to say I don't think you are in a fog. I think moving back together requires some sort of commitment toward working things out. I don't think you should be living w/ a man who is still dating other people.

Read some of the Plan A stuff here if you haven't already. As I said, I didn't exactly Plan A it. I think I did the best I could, but I really wish I had had a road map (like Plan A) back then.

Riff makes good points, as always (dude, 18 months? MAN you got a brass heart and brass.. well, you know) but I gotta disagree on one thing: I know I was damn sure in a fog, and still am some days, as the BS.
Not knowing specifics of your conversations and whatnot, I can only relate to me. In essence, I was stumbling along in old patterns, trying to make sense of this stuff. I was mad, hopeful, sad, delirious, confused, you name it. One moment I'd be in the serious dumps, not able to concentrate, whatever.. the next, like it never happened. I'd hear what she said but would interprete it through a series of filters that I now realize was fog. As I said in one post a couple of months ago, the fog of war ain't got nuthin' on this nonsense.
So if you're worried about being fogged, get a map, a flashlight and a compass. Do as Riff suggested: Read the web site. Read the books. Educate yourself. Plan accordingly. Eventually, one of you comes out of the fog.
And be forwarned: Fog comes back.

It takes about three months of absolutely no contact with her before he starts to "unmiss" her and look at their relationship in the real light.

All I think about is letting him go and be with her, if it works then he and I were never meant to be.

"Meant to be/never meant to be/soulmates" are some of the most overused term I have ever heard.

Marriages aren't just happy-go-lucky times. They take lots of work. Sometimes people screw up and learn and other times they don't.

Do what you have to to fix everything. If he doesn't come around in time, then decide what you need to do.

Thanks everyone for all your great opinions and suggestions.

He has had no contact with her since Sunday, and seems to very devoted to making this work. For a man that does not express his feelings, he is doing a great job of telling me what he thinks, feels and keeping me informed of what he is doing.

Yesterday and today, the fog was lifted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , but only God knows what tomorrow will bring. It seems when he's OK so am I, since it's only been 2 months since d-day it's hard to know what is going on, but I do know one thing "He's trying".

I know this won't be a bed of roses, and it's nice to come somewhere that people understand what you are going through.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, we are back in the FOG, once again since Friday! I keep asking myself how much longer can a person take a situation like this? And of course I'm not helping the situation, since when he's in this state of withdrawal it makes me nervous and I end up taking about the OW! I keep telling my self that the more I talk about her the more I create his sense of loss and the more he must think about her! God give me strength, It’s like I’m not in control of my emotions or my actions, how is this possible!

I've read a lot but something still baffles me, his lack of “trying”. He says he knows he should make an effort to meet "MY" needs, but has told me he is incapable right now (not in so many words) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ! He has explained that I've changed so much and have proven how much I really do love him ( which was something he didn’t think I felt for him anymore ) and he states, "he knows he has to start putting something into our relationship", (flowers, calling me during the day, cards etc.) but my question is, when will he begin helping with my EN? I feel like we are both in a canoe and I'm the only one that is rowing it? Does this make sense? Is it the fog, the withdrawal or what?

I know if I don’t back off he will end up with her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ October 14, 2002, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: Lost & Hopeless ]</small>

two months is very early...

once NC has been established... give it 4 months or so for withdrawal... don't even EXPECT that he's gonna meet your ENs (that way when he does, it will be a pleasant surprise!)

Contact puts you back where you started... been-there-done-that... But, once NC was started and continued, THEN I saw, felt, experienced the BIGGEST change in my H... and each month it gets better and better!

I NEVER thought that I would be able to take it... how could I live one week, one month, one year through this long, long process. I read about others 18 months and 2 years later and I CRINGED... I just couldn't do it... BUT I DID... and I am so glad that I hung in there.

The key is to make YOU your own project. Meet your Hs ENs... but the focus should be YOU... not your relationship and ESPECIALLY not OW or the A...

Cali

Cali,

It's just harder than I thought. Actually N.C has only been two weeks and I'm going nuts, already. I guess your right, I need to focus on me, but I guess it's easier said than done. I feel like if I don't focus on him 100% of the time something will slip by me, or an EN won't get met.

I know I have to learn patience and believe God has a plan.

Thank you so much for your response and it makes me happy to speak with someone that is doing well at recovery that is hope in itself!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lost and hopeless, I agree with everything that Cali said. It's hard, but don't expect too much because he can't meet your needs right now. This is a good sign that he states he wants to work on the marriage. I was so happy when my fws told me he wanted to work things out with me, I thought he could jump right in there and start meeting my needs that hadn't been met for so long. I didn't know about mb then, but I talked to a friend that had gone through infidelity and worked things out with her fws. She gave me alot of insight. She told me that maybe he was doing the best that he could do at the time, that after a period of time he would realize fully how much he loved me for hanging in there with him through the bad times especially. It's going to take him some time to get rid of the "moose brains" and back to his real brain, I know it's hard but try to focus on you during this time. Take care of you. It was so hard for me to be patient through that time and not to LB, sometimes I did LB,but he finally got "his" brain back. He told me after the fog that "he had to work his way back to me". That even hurt me but I'm glad now that he did. They still have fog to work through even after they decide they want the marriage and as cali said if there is any renewed contact with op, it sets things back to square one. We are 19mo dday and doing well.

btw... my H NEVER said he wanted to work on marriage... only be a co-parent... it has only been in the LAST month that he stated directly that he wants to reconcile w/ me.... AND he still has issues w/ being married at all...

Crazyride, you stated:

"He told me after the fog that "he had to work his way back to me". That even hurt me"

These words, (MY GOD!) were his words on Sunday, and I was soooo VERY hurt!

How can this be possible when I had his heart for 8 1/2 years? Do I have to romance him all over again? That is the part that terrifies me!

Is he expecting to fall back "into" that puppy- love that we had at the beginning? Is expecting those butterflies, which the new relationship gave him? He does tell me "he does love me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but he likes that the OW (H42, Me 33, OW 40) made him feel young <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> !

I have to at least be thankful that he is trying to save our relationship, right?

Any advice on the withdrawal, I guess helping him through it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

lost and hopeless, You don't have to romance him. The way I knew my fws was trying was he started talking to me again,not about anything deep, but just talking, and believe me that was a difference in itself. He totally ignored me while A was going on, didn't even acknowledge my presence if he nearly ran into me in our house. I don't think early on after dday we need to romance them, but just listen to him when he talks, be kind. It starts out as baby steps. He should actually treat you as dating all over again, but and I say but, it will take him awhile to get to that point. About all you can do right now is to be his friend and I know that sucks at times because you have unmet needs and have had for awhile. The time will come that he will treat you the way you deserve to be treated as his life partner if he is truly sincere. You will probably get scared a little when he starts to treat you like a wife again, I did, because I couldn't believe it could be true. We have been through so much and can only expect so little at a time when we feel we need them the most. I remember a time before my fws admitted to A, I suspected but didn't have any proof that I would lie in bed and cry at night from desperate loneliness and wonder if he would ever change. Two people in the same bed as if we were strangers. It had never been that way before. It's so strange, how people can change from what you once knew they were. We were high school sweethearts, married for 20yrs. Yes, I got caught up in 2 children, work ,stressed out from both and admit at times I was too tired for him, but my heart and body has always only been for him. I know how you feel. It's tough not to LB, but try not too. That's easier said than done. Don't be a doormat either.

How does one get over being so depressed, that you feel like it's better to end the R than to stay and fight ?

How do I stop pushing him towards her, when all I want is to wake up tomorrow and this be a terrible nightmare? After how long does one begin to feel sane again and not obsess over the same feelings and thoughts over and over again, When will I ever feel happy to be with him, because when I'm not close to him I feel sad and when I'm with him I feel even worse.

All I do is LB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and I know he'll end up getting tired of me and going back to her! Is this normal after almost three months since d-day and two weeks since NC?

Any help is graciously accepted and very much appreciated!