I have been reading a lot of post lately on SF or lack of it and it is something I am dealing with and have been for a long time. I'm not sure this R can survive ( hell I'm not even sure I am surviving at this point) but I believe you have to play the hand that's dealt you in life. My WW has never and will never go to anyone or read anything about any of this ( she has a firm aversion to any kind of therapy due to a bad experience with high school counselors) but things have improved signifactly. I have tried to fulfill her needs as best as I can read them, but although I can figure out what ones are most important, she will not admit that SF is as high as I think it is. A little background. I have a chronic illness and was laid up for a year early on.
When D Day came around she did say that because of that she had to turn off those "feelings" for me and concentrate on the health care. She said that she felt it never returned. I do think she has developed some kind of aversion to SF with me, but for a long time before the A, she would never admit any thing was wrong ( just a long line of reasons and excuses ( some legit, some kind of lame). I wish we could address this issue in a candid non threatening way, but I doubt she will discuss it. She did just lose her job and I am taking that into account, but what I fear most is that this will lead her back to the low self esteem problems that led to the A. She has been better in ever other way, but this doesn't seem to change and I know it's the root of the problem. I want to be careful about pushing on this because I do believe that part of the problem is that for a long time she had difficulty finding work in her field and only worked part time for most of our M. The job she lost was her "dream job" and I know that has been overwhelming to her. I know how difficult that is, and maybe I just need to give her some time, because I think when someone feels totally dependent on you , they sometimes feel pressure to perform, and I know I never want my W to feel that way. Any one else have any ideas on what's causing this problem. BTW, I do my share and more of domestic chores, and I give the greatest massages ever ( her words). So I am not some insensitive oaf who only wants one thing. Any and all ideas are appreciated. Counselors have screwed up more people in this world than we all can imagine ( it's like the guy in Miracle on 34th Street that got Santa thrown in the nut house). I have to live in the real world where some people ( my W to be exact) won't go or read anything ( I have tried this at the beginning and got nowhere, I even went to one myself and she was a waste of time for me) The principles I saw on this web site were the first that made sense, and through hard work on my part I have been able to bring this R back to a point that I never dreamed possible, and it's all due to improvising on these ideas. I know what led to the A, I know that my W has problems, but they say, you can lead a horse etc. This is my life and I am trying the best I can. I gave her Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue and numerous things from this site, and she did read some of it, but people don't always do what you think is best for them or you. I think every one here can agree on that. I come to this site to get feedback from the only people in the world that can truly understand what I am going through on a daily basis. I hope to get feedback that is real and not book or counselor related. I need two things from this site. One is to vent my feelings in a place where everyone knows what I am dealing with, and two is to get some real life ( in the field so to speak) experiences from people who have went through this. I am sorry if this comes off harsh, I do not mean it too, I live each day on the edge. Even though things are better and I am relatively sure there has been no contact, I don't know if I will ever get over this and be able to trust again. I still snoop each and every day and if I see something that looks out of the ordinary, I freak out and even with things going better, I still feel I am one minute away from loosing my M. I never allow myself the luxury of thinking everything will be OK, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I could get past that part of it, but when your married to one of the all time drama queens, who takes every aspect of life and blows it way out of proportion and thinks of herself as deserving of bad things that's just the way it is. Yes she could use a whole university Psyche department to unravel her problems, but it ain't gonna happen. My own theory is that my W thinks she doesn't deserve love and respect, and when someone gives that to her, she can't respect someone who would feel that way about her. With all that said, I still love her and I do want to be there with her and for her. I am one crazy SOB. Thanks for allowing me to rant. Sorry if this doesn't make sense

Hi Mark,
I am sorry for your troubles and wish you didn't have them but since you so, I'll put in my opinion. Remember that we are just friends with opinions, not counselors.

First thing I suggest is that you consider counceling with the Harleys. The numbers are on the main part of the site. One of the most common coments is "one session with them, is worth 2-3 with my old conseler." Putting marriages back together is what they do.

I notice you have been around here much longer than I have and I don't know your history so perhaps you have even already done this. I am going to try to give you an idea to get her thinking about counseling and books about improving marriage.

Does your wife know how to read? Can she remember what it was like before?
Before we can read, we think it would be nice to do but since we never have been able to do it, we don't miss it much. When we learn to read, it opens up a whole new world for us to explore. I believe learning about marriage is like that. There really are ways to improve it, and make it better. There really are ways to fall back in love. There really are counselers that are good at what they do.

As far as you. I wish I could help. I do care if that's good for anything. I hope you can keep on being strong, and that it gets better.

Ss

Hi Mark,
I a'm sorry u are in so much pain! I understand the trust issue all to well. My H has lied to me for yrs now. I felt like i was going to loose my mind as well, allways wanting to snoop, looking at everything on my computer that looked out of place ect. Till i actually made my self SICK. I lost alot of weight, coulden't think straite, ect. And i a'm just now starting to tell myself i have to take care of me, outherwise i can not be any good to my H when he needs me.If u are so stressed out, and not thinking clearly then how can u help your W? I do not mean any dis respect to u by saying this to u. This is just some advive i have gotton from outher people in the forum. Are u reliougs? I can tell u that pray WORKS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sorry that i do not have much more advive than this, except for keep venting as much as u need to Again this is just what has been handed down to me.
Hope things began to look up for u. Cathy

Thank You for the replies. To answers some questions, Still seeking: yes she does know how to read, she just doesn't want to read about this and they same can be said for counselors. If I could get her to agree to speak with the Harleys, believe me I would be on the phone toot sweet. D Day for me was in November 2000 and after a 90 day period of her moving back home with her parents, she finally asked to come home. She told me then, she could not promise anything and we almost filed for a D in April of that year. we have been able to work our way back from the brink of the cliff to where we are now. Where that is I am barely sure. Sometimes I think she is back to some semblance of normalcy and at other times I am freaked out by the reaction I get when I see her. Most of the times it's probably something to do with day to day BS, but I still have to wonder whenever she seems disturbed or distracted. We do not talk about it anymore, ( you can't keep dwelling on it, and as a matter of fact we really didn't discuss it enough for most people. But I know My W and even her mother told me not to expect her to talk about it. Her mother said she has always responded better to not dwelling on anything she did wrong because she beats herself up over things more than anyone else. She has apologized often but you know I would rather here her say how much she loves and appreciates me than I'm sorry. Our anniversary was a couple of weeks ago and she gave me a beautiful card that expressed how much I meant to her and how she wanted to make me happy, but for all I know she just grabbed the first card she saw (although she did write I love you in it something I thought I would never see or hear again ).Thanks for your thoughts.
Cathy: I am so sorry for your situation . I went through a period where I found it tough to eat and I know how easily you can make yourself sick over this. I truly hope you do take care of yourself, and remember You did not cause what happened, You are a good and decent person who had a bad thing happen, and I know how it is to be afraid of the unknown. I have no family left, so if this M fails, I will have no one but I will still have friends and I know it doesn't seem like it at times, but you will survive and prosper no matter what happens. I am not very religious, but I do take comfort in the Serenity Prayer. Please call on it when your down, it has helped me so much. Thank you both and good luck to both of you and if I can be of help to you, I usually check the site about 3 times a week.