You asked me for help in another thread. Sorry I haven't been on MB for a few days (due to a flooded basement and no access to our pc until today).

Anyways, enough about me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... what is it that you wanted help with? I read your posts, so I am updated with your situation as you've relayed it to us here at MB.

If your question is something that you don't feel comfortable with sharing on MB, then you can email me at: topie25@hotmail.com However, it's preferred that questions be answered on the boards as much as possible, so that others can learn and read too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If it's just that you want another opinion on your threads... then I'll be more than happy to post there too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just let me know.

Karen

Karen,
I need a womans point of view (sorry guys my counselor is a man) Check out my post about Smalleys Relationship Center.

You read my other posts, so you understand whats going on. How do you feel my wife might be feeling right now? Why don't some woman come out and say:If things don't change or I want a divorce! I'm terrible at the clues. It seems like she rushed to the lawyer. Of course I did all the wrong things right before our separation and the two weeks following it. Do you think our priest could help? And do you recommend trying to get her to Smalley's and if so how. We haven't seen each other in a month or spoken (good conversation in 3 weeks. I miss her and my daughter. I wish she would seriously want joint counseling (and why wouldn't she) The first 5 years of our life together was very good. The last year (my stupid emotional affair-1 month) was sooo stupid and I apologized and ask for forgiveness. She is so closed off to me right now. How do I soften her up to the possibility of reconciliation? I know what I have done to make me a better person. I am doing it for me, but I'd like to think I'm doing it for her and my daughter to. Satan entered my spiritual void. I am now walking with Christ and fighting him everday. I've read evrybook this last month on relationships. I now know more than I ever knew about women, so I know now I am capable of making our marriage thrive if given that "chance", but what can I do to get it. She was always such a loving and caring person. Now she has so much anomsity towards me and rightfully so. I let her down. She has let the past buildup inside her and can't lforgive and let go. How do I help or do I let the priest do what he can and just keep out?
Any advise from you or anyone would be great,
Alan PS: I am joining a support group of people that are separated or divorced. I am also willing to sell my 3rd most prized possession my 1969 Pontiac Firebird Convertible to pay for as much counseling as it takes. She will know I'm serios then, because she thinks I'd give my life before selling my car!

Also: What book would you recommend that my wife read if she is the one seeking divorce? There are some good ones out there that are promarriage. Anyone particular?

First off, you really need to calm down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I totally understand your feelings of urgency in this matter, however, your actions backing up those feelings are pushing your W away . And that is NOT the outcome you want. Am I right? (rhetorical question of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

You have already been given the best advice in your other threads. You need to focus on YOU, and do what you can to slow down the D proceedings. Your best bet is to stop showing your W neediness. That is NOT AT ALL attractive. Of course, on account that you are able to pay for all sorts of counselling and books, then your best spent money would be on making an appt with Steve or Jennifer. Especially since you want to expedite your chances at reconciliation, they'll be able to help you better than anyone on these boards can. Because Steve and Jennifer are the ones who KNOW what you need to do.

Now.... take a deep breath. (I'm serious!). Close your eyes and imagine your "happy place". Think about the sounds and smells, and FEEL them in you. And then take a few more deep breaths. Take a few minutes if you need to.

Are you more relaxed? I hope so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> All I'm going to say now is that you need to remember that you are running a marathon, not a sprint race. TIME, PATIENCE, and CONSISTENCY is your mantra. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As far as books go, I can't think of anything I've read that would be something for your W to read right now. I'm in a different place than she is, and so was I when my H and I were separated (mainly b/c I was the one who wanted reconciliation, and I was the BS). Besides, one of the rules to follow in a great plan A is, NO EDUCATING your spouse. It only serves as a love buster.

I'll be keeping track of your posts. You remind me a bit of myself when I first joined MB. I was constantly starting new posts, and I was so frazzled with the whole situation. It took me at least 3 months to calm down and get the gist about how plan A was all about me. But just getting it all out on here really helped me to calm down and focus on my goal. I hope MB is doing the same thing for you.

Karen

Karen,
Thanks for advise. I wish someone had told me alot of these things in August when I kind of knew what was going on. I feel I might have been able to change the outcome then if I had not been so angry and thinking irrational. I know I could have got her into counseling and made a committment for change. She questions the love I have for her and I know shes told all her friends what a terrible person I am. I didn't help matters by making her run away from me. She has so much anger built up in her and I don't blame her. I should have treated her much better. My anger has subsided and I have replaced it with compassion. I know theres life after divorce. This is my second. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. If I had been the way I am know 3 months ago I can only imagine the difference. I guess time, our priest and God are the only one's that can heal this now. I just feel for my daughter caught in the middle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AlanArthur:
<strong>I know I could have got her into counseling and made a committment for change. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sentence tells me alot about your state of mind. YOU can't make HER do anything. I've read most of your posts and it sounds like you looking for someone to give you some magic words that will bring your W back. THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! Your actions may have pushed her to file for D, but backing off and letting your lawyer slow down the process may give her some time to think it through. DON'T GIVE HER ANY MORE REASONS TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT!!!!

Believe me, I know how you're feeling. My W filed for D on me a year ago. I didn't beg, plead or try to talk her out of it. I made it clear that it wasn't what I wanted, but told her I understood she had to do what she had to do. Now I sit a year later, and although we are seperated and I have gone to plan B, she has done little regarding the D. We may still get divorced, but she appears to at least be thinking it through. There's nothing I can do about it now, so I'm do all I can to make the most out of my life and spending as much time with my daughter as I can. I suggest you do the same.

sad dad

Thanks. Some people say I'm controlling if I slow it down, but I think she filed when she was irrational. Do I do nothing or do I talk to her best friends. I feel helpless. Is the priest a good Iidea? I wish Iowa was like 6 months. 90 days really is too fast.