Just curious about your opinions on this... I am the one in the marriage that was tempted to have a relationship with another man. It wasn't a matter of just looking for attention from someone else, there was a specific person that I developed feelings for, no one else would ever do and I am pretty sure I will never want anyone else. I have struggled and struggled and struggled with the feelings with this person, just to do the right thing and not hurt my husband, etc.

However, I don't get my husband....I have tried to be a good wife to him and all that stuff...no, I take that back, I HAVE been a good wife to him. I know that other men are envious of him, they tell him (and me) how lucky he is all the time.

Yet, my husband treats me like I am his caretaker/mother. The way he acts with me compared to the way he acts around other women is amazing. He isn't an out and out flirt (when I am around at least), but, for example, when he is talking to one of our kid's teachers (female, attractive ones), the difference in how attentive and nice he is to them compared to how he treats me is amazing. If only he were that way toward me, maybe I would still have some feelings left for him? Is that just the way it is? And yes, yes, yes!!!!!! I have told him, shown him, read to him, expressed to him, etc., etc., etc. what I need from him. I USED to do those things for him to make him feel loved from me, but, unfortunately, I stopped trying because I wasn't getting anything in return (believe me, it wasn't for lack of effort on my part...one person alone can not make it work).

My view on marriage is so very tainted now. I don't ever want to be married again at this point. As soon as I get out of this one, I don't see myself ever wanting to be married again. There is someone I love very much, but marriage would ruin the love as far as I am concerned. Once they have you, they forget that you are a person, not a possession. It's also a bunch of mind games as well.

I have posted on here quite a bit, but have never really replied to another post. Your post has really made me think. Although I am not an out and out flirt with other women, I am, or was, the same type of person as your husband. I too have many friends that have told me how lucky I was to have my wife. I was so centered on myself that i lost touch of what was important to me. After 11 years of marriage my wife had an affair. Obviously, it has crushed me. But, it has also made me realize just what it is I am missing. I am by NO MEANS saying you should have an affair. But I am just now realizing that I didn't fill many EN's in my wife and I am paying the ultimate price for that. I cannot tell you, nor will I, to stay and make it work. That is up to you to decide. I just wanted you to know that I have always loved my wife. i don't love her anymore now than I did before the A. But, I realize I never showed her.
I hope your husband can "wake up" before it is too late. I have, I just hope it isn't too late.
Also, I understand your distaste right now about marriage. Under your circumstances you have a right to feel that way at the moment. But I learned something from my counselor. He said marriage is a piece of paper, vows and rings. Not that those aren't important things, but the real Marriage is the relationship between the two people. That those two people have met and have become one. I have always just looked at marriage differently. I finally see what he is telling me. It's all about the relationship between two people and how they give to one another.
I am by no means any expert, as you can probably see by this post, but just wanted to put that out there for you. There are a lot of other people here that will give you much better advice than me.
We are all here for you. I know I have been helped by everyone here. In fact, I don't think I would even be where I am with my WW, if it weren't for the great people on this board.

I wish you all the best

TORO