My H's birthday is next week. Now, every year since we've been together I've made him his favorite..homemade cheesecake.

Should I give him anything this year? I know Plan A is to be kind and positive, but at the same time be a bit cool, so you're not 'pursuing'. So, a bit stumped as to what the right strategy would be. Should I not make him a cheesecake and then he'll 'miss' it? Or, is making it as usual a sign of how much I still care about him?

He's been gone almost 3 months now, and not interested still, although he's much more pleasant lately. So, I don't want to blow it by giving him a cake if I should continue the way I am. However, one of his EN's is to be shown caring..ie..cooking for him, so I don't know what to do. Comments?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I not make him a cheesecake and then he'll 'miss' it? Or, is making it as usual a sign of how much I still care about him?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOu are in Plan A, definitely make the cheesecake!! (and make some for all of us MBers and send it, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> you know it is his favorite, and will be a deposit in his love bank.

Now if you were in Plan B, the easy answer would be no. Remember that Plan A includes you trying to meet all of the WS's needs. Obviously, he loves your cheesecake, satisfies that domestic need of his.

I am going to warn you, however, you may not get loads of thank yous and how much he appreciated it out of him, so be prepared. He may not let you know how much it meant to him, but it will.

Thanks so much for your input. I feel like it is the right thing to do, but sometimes I wonder if I'm interpreting Plan A correctly, as we're not supposed to pursue, and yet we're supposed to show we care..can be confusing.

Plan A can sometimes be misunderstood. We use this time to read alot and learn alot about ourselves and contributions to the marriage. We can make huge improvements within ourselves, especially avoiding love busters. You will also need to become strong and confident within yourself.

Don't pursue the relationship talk, when you see him, act like you were first dating. Did you plead and beg him to date you, no, same goes for staying within a marriage, let the OW do the LBing, even though things may seem pretty over there, I guarantee those roses are wilted. She is scared of you, make yourself the best person as possible to scare her even more.

Isn't there a saying that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach?? If you see him, try to make him as comfortable as possible, OW probably won't be making him a cheesecake.

Just remember, no R talk, this may scare him off, he is not himself right now, and it a foggy state of mind, probably doesn't even know what he is saying.

BTW, do you make the same recipe everytime?? If you do, post it here, I LOVE cheesecake!! I usually make Emeril's cheesecake recipe, fattening but awesome!!!

hugs to you!!

Kimmy1,

I'd for sure be making him the cheesecake.You might consider making it abit smaller. Make it look real cute and whap it up nicely.

Just make it big enough so that he can get the "good" taste and maybe "crave" for more! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorta like giving him a little "bite" and not the whole thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

G_C, you sure are right about: Isn't there a saying that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach??
You can get almost every man's eyes "sparkling" when you cook em their favorite things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

hugs
bb

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 04:03 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Great idea, I have made my h some of his food favorites in plan a and they wre a real hit. I need to do this again, but haven't had the time and he has not been real nice.....(not that it matters in plan a) and it has been a yr. but I am still going to do it soon, it is a great deposit.

Honey

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 07:14 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

This morning I felt so confident that making a cheesecake would be the right thing to do. But tonight when my H dropped our kids back, as usual he didn't even barely make eye contact and after picking up some computer stuff, couldn't get out of the house fast enough.

I've been reading 'Divorce Busters' and 'Divorce Remedy' and she says in that book if you're separated you should act more cool and not do things that would celebrate special occasions. Her stuff makes sense too. I'm confused as to what would be best. I want to meet H's ENs, but at the same time as he's shown NO interest in 3 months, is playing 'cool' the better way to go and then perhaps he'll miss his traditional birthday celebration. ??

Kimmy1:

I think the Last Resort Technique/180 technique can be implemented well after you have proven to yourself and WH of any changes that you are responsible in the marriage.

I call it a "stepping stone" to Plan B.
When contact is lessened as it is in the LRT, you need to make sure that Plan A has left a lasting impression in your husbands eyes.

I would make the cheesecake, give that huge love deposit, then maybe back off a little bit.

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

Thanks for your input. I've backed off quite a bit the last few weeks, and I guess I've been impatient as all the books seem to indicate that if you back off..they get interested because you HAVE backed off. I guess because nothing has changed that's why I'm feeling that what I'm doing is pointless.

I feel that because he seems just as dis-interested even though I have backed off, that I'm just wasting my time even thinking he may want to come back.

keep up a good plan A, he may seem disintersted but he is still early in the affair and in the fog

keep it up and work alot on yourself, don't worry about him, worry is a waste of your imagination. We are affected by how people behave and how they act.

eliminate love busters within yourself, get rid of those disrespectful opinions of yourself and how you are doing your Plan A

try some new things out, is there anything that your husband ever wanted to do and you were a little hesitant, try those things out, it will sure make him wonder

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

No..I can't think of anything my husband wanted to do and I was hestitant, because anything he wanted to try, I did too, as we were such a close family unit.

As he does like to be cooked for, and enjoyed it when I made a favorite dinner of his and left it for him a few weeks ago, I've invited him to dinner twice, and he's said no both times, so I guess that didn't work. Maybe try that again in the future.

What I am going to try to do now is change things around, maybe buy new flowers for in the house, etc..you know..make it look like we're coping fine. Try to do more of the Domestic Support EN, because that's the only one I didn't think was important to him, but maybe it was and he never said. I dunno.

I have to see him this afternoon as our son has a hockey game. I wish we didn't have to see each other quite so often, as then he wouldn't see me as much either and maybe that would help.

Oh well. I'll keep plugging along.

Well..update since my last post. I have been doing Plan A still..which has been easy this week re no LB's, as I've been working double shifts so only see him briefly when he picks up/drops off kids. Anyway, I made the cheesecake for him last night and left it in the freezer with a note for him to see when he picked up our kids tonight after work (he's having them overnight). I just got home and checked the freezer and it's gone, but no thank you note or anything like that. I knew not to expect one, but it would have been nice all the same.

Anyway, he's been gone 3 months this weekend and even though we're getting along better when we do speak, he still shows no interest at all. In fact, he told me again this weekend that he doesn't 'care' what I do re his no feelings, and I hadn't heard that for a while now. The only thing we've done differently is I finally got him to sit down this week and we did a 'kid schedule' for a month, so that we don't have to discuss that every week. Basically he sees them 3 times a week and mostly has them overnight, which is what will happen tonight as they're seeing him to celebrate his birthday.

I'm hoping when the kids call tonight to say goodnight to me he'll have mentioned something about the cheesecake, but I won't hold my breath. At least hopefully it will give me some lovebank points, but who knows.

He's just getting more and more settled, and I get more and more discouraged. I know it can take weeks or even months, but I would love some crumb of interest thrown my way. The kids are going to my parents for Thanksgiving this weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving) as I have to work. My H agreed to this a month ago and so he will go to his parents cottage. I always kept a teeny hope that perhaps he'd stay behind and maybe ask to get together for Thanksgiving dinner, but I know I'm dreaming!

The good thing is that I'm working double shifts so no time to think about him much.

I hope the cheesecake means something and he doesn't take it as 'pushy'.

It's also discouraging when you read people's history and you see H's leaving but then they're back sometimes within a month. It makes me feel more discouraged that the longer my H has gone, the longer he's settled. Oh well.

I'll keep going along with Plan A. I've decided though, that my deadline for Plan A is Christmas, although I'm pretty sure if nothing changed by then he'll be all settled in his new life.

Working extra hours means I'm coping better without him, but if only it meant I didn't miss/need him so much.

Well..my H just called and said 'thank you for the cake'. I told him he was welcome. He didn't say if it tasted good or anything, but then said he wished he'd known it was supposed to be kept frozen as now it had melted all over the counter. So, I said maybe he could put it in a bigger plate or bowl or something to save it and he said he couldn't because it was too much of a mess.

So..on one hand he called to say thanks, and then for some reason has to tell me it's ruined so that any 'warm fuzzy' I felt was immediately 'squashed'.

Puts a damper on my whole intent.

It is not your fault it melted, and he knows that. Now take that thank you and don't let it dampen your spirits- YOU MADE A LOVE DEPOSIT! Yea! I am so proud of you, keep it up, slowly but surely.

Honey

Honey. Thanks for your input. I know he at least said thank you, but it's almost like he couldn't allow me a total positive comment from himself, so he had to add in the fact that it was melted all over the counter and ruined. Really, very thoughtless..didn't even have to tell me that. But..I do know that being thoughtful to me isn't his priority right now too.

I know I should be happy with a thank you. But, you know what? His comment made a love 'withdrawal' from me. I guess I'm just getting stronger, or I'm not taking everything as my fault any longer and I figure all my caring, and support, and continued love towards him during this Plan A may be resulting in nothing.

Perhaps I'm in the 'acceptance' stage now instead of the 'denial' stage. I dunno. Just disappointing anyway.

Atleast when my kids called to say goodnight they told me the cheesecake was really good.

Kimmy,

WS's have a really hard time saying thank you to the BS. Why?? Because they don't feel like they deserve it (I won't go there!).

You did great, don't beat yourself up about it. Like I said before, don't expect alot of them, but deep inside I am sure he was touched, but is so lost, he can't just show it.

going_crazy: here's the cheesecake recipe I made my H. One of the easiest, but really good:

CRUST:
1 cup - chocolate oreo crumbs (you buy in a box in baking section of store)
2 tbsp - margarine or butter, melted

FILLING:
1 pkg - Light Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese, softened. (here in Canada the package is a small rectangle one..250 grams, but if you're from the U.S. I don't know what the weight would be)

1 can - frozen concentrated raspberry juice, thawed
2 tbsp - icing sugar
1 tub - Cool Whip (large tub. Again, here in Canada the measurement is one litre, but don't know what U.S. would be)

Combine crust ingredients. Press onto bottom of a 9 inch springform pan. Place crust in freezer for 15 minutes.

Put cream cheese, raspberry concentrate and icing sugar in blender or food processor. Beat on high speed until smooth (I actually do this with my mixer). Pour into large bowl and fold in 3&1/2 cups of Cool Whip.

Pour into crust. Freeze until firm (approx. 4 hours). Remove crust from freezer 10 minutes before serving. Garnish with fruit if desired.

One hint: If your cream cheese isn't softened enough it will take a long time to make the filling smooth. The night I made this for my H I was so tired and home late from work that I forgot to soften the cream cheese. It still worked out great and eventually was smooth, but it would have been quicker and easier if I'd remembered to soften it first in the microwave or leave it on the counter for a while.

Anyway, let me know if you ever make it!

A couple of things...

I'm still confused as to whether the cheesecake was a good idea or not. My gut feeling tells me it was, but there is a side of me that tells me you shouldn't show that much interest.

I am currently on Plan A and the other day, my W was going to present an exam for her certification. I debated whether to call her or not to wish her good luck, but finally I did it and wished her good luck and that I would pray for her. She was a little suprised and thanked me. I then hung up. Good deposit I thought.

On another ocassion when trying to be nice, she snapped at me and told me to give it up that there is no hope for the M. She told me I was still in denial and to accept the fact that the M will never work; that it is impossible.

The other thing is: if the way to a man's heart is his stomach, what is the way to a woman's heart?

utterly confused: re the cheesecake. I don't think it did anything. After 3 & 1/2 months apart I honestly feel nothing I'm doing is making a 'dent' in my H at all! I've been 'interested', 'not interested', 'friendly', 'cool', doing things like making the cheesecake, doing nothing, etc etc., and nothing seems to change in my H's interest towards me. I just don't know what to do. And today, I was thinking..does he not even miss my companionship? We did everything together, and it's hard for me to believe he can't think of me at all..especially on the weekend when we always looked forward to doing stuff together.

I'm glad I made the cheesecake, but probably won't do anything like that again. I just think my H has closed his heart to me and makes a conscious decision every day to NOT open it back up to me. He's giving up so much. I had a friend tell me today that he wishes he had someone who loved him as much as I love my H. He said my H is making a mistake. Why is it everyone else sees what my H is giving up, but my H can't!

Re your question about the way to a woman if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Well, I can only speak for myself, but if you asked me what I would like my H to do to show he cares... tell me I look nice would be a good start, and then the other thing would be to show interest in what I'm saying. I think alot of women would think those were good ways to show caring.