h4f,

How are you? How's the new office? I just wanted to give you a little update, nothing major.

Three weeks into plan B and so far my W has complied with no contact, except for a couple of child related issues. It's been four weeks since I gave her the paperwork she needed to put the house on the market, but so far she hasn't. Why?Your guess is as good as mine. Steve H. thinks it's because she's in no hurry to put herself in a situation that's worse than her current one.

Last week I saw my lawyer to go over a draft of the formal custody agreement (which for some reason my lawyer drew up because her's never did, even though my W's the one that wants the D). Everything looked good, but now my W (or her lawyer) are trying to change a key issue. I agreed to let my daughter go to daycare/school wherever my W lives contingent on her living in a certain area. Now she's trying to expand that area to a 30 mi radius, which I won't agree to. I'm sure it will all work out, probably just her lawyer wanting to limit any restrictions on where she can live.

My lawyer sent a letter to my W's lawyer along with the copy of the custody agreement stating that I have given my W the requisite paperwork to sell the house and wants to be advised as to the status of that. It also mentioned that the proceeds of the sale should be put in an escrow account until a financial settlement is reached (I think my W is under the impression that the proceeds will be divided up at closing).

I asked my lawyer what I could do if my W continues to stall putting the house up for sale. She said we can ask the court to step and in compel her to do so. I hope it doesn't come to that. I talked to Steve H. about this and he said if I can, wait a little longer to see if she does it on her own and for plan B to sink in. If she doesn't, he suggests having my lawyer write another letter with a little more bite. Steve said since I'm in plan B, let my lawyer handle this. Any thoughts?

Have a good weekend.

sad dad

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

sad dad-

Glad to hear you are doing well. I have a few more questions for you.

1) Did the fact that you moved out have any bearing on the custody agreement you forged with your wife? Did it affect how much you saw your daughter? Seems like your wive's lawyer would have used that issue against you, something like abandonment.

2) What would you have done if you didn't have your mother's old place to move into? Did you ever consider asking your wife to leave or forcing her to leave through the courts as another means for moving into Plan B?

HoFS

hfs,

To answer your question:

1. We had reached a verbal agreement in June after mediation, which I put on paper and sent to the mediator. He in turn sent copies to each of us, our lawyers and the judge. At that point, I was protected legally and moved out shortly afterwards. The agreement is very favorable.

2. I knew she would never leave the house on her own and there was nothing I could do from a legal standpoint to make her, at least not in Illinois.

sad dad

h4f - still looking for you!!!

I'm here I'm here! I couldn't get my password to work here at home and forgot I had changed it so that I could access the site at work. Yea, I changed it to make it easier for me to remember...ha ha.

Anyway, it sounds like you're doing all you can do. 3 weeks isn't much time for all of it to sink in for her. I'd say 3 months and she might feel the reality a little more. At first I think most WS's feel free and independant for a while. Then they go out and party a little...start to think that this swinging single scene is just what they needed. Then comes the reality of work and responsibilities. Bill paying and taking care of a child as a single parent. Plus the single scene ain't all it's cracked up to be. Most of the time all their friends are married and still doing married things. So they either have to find a new group of friends or do everything alone. The newness wears off fast and they start to come back to earth and remember their dreams of a family and a future...which brings back rememberies of good times with the spouse..hopefully.

I also think it's a good idea to leave any of the legal stuff to the lawyer. If he's the one pushing her she can't be angry at you.

As far as stalling...well...if you're done then do what you have to do to move forward and move on. But if you're still interested in salvaging your marriage, then stall stall stall if at all possible. Give all of this as much time as you can to sink in for her. Because unfortunatly for many, if the divorce actually goes through you're chances of reconciliation are much smaller. Seems like even though WS's may have regrets, they still tend to see that as a finality and vow to do it better the next time rather than try it again. It sickens me to think that would probably have been the case for us.

Take care of yourself and thanks for keeping in touch!!

h4f,

31 and you're starting to forget things??? Hmmm?

Good points you make. I know 3 weeks of plan B is nothing. I do still want my marriage, but I'm not stalling anything, she seems to be. At some point if she doesn't take the initiatve to sell the house, I will have to give her a nudge (through my lawyer of course). I know selling the house puts us one step closer to D, but by keeping it I'm continuing to fill her EN for financial support and she is not seeing the reality of truly being on her own. It's a slippery slope either way. Hopefully I'll know when to give her that nudge. Even if the house were on the market today, who knows how long it would take to sell. She could be there until after the holidays.

I'm still befuddled by the pace at which she's proceeding with all of this. As adamant as she's been about wanting the D, you'd think she'd be in a hurry to get it all over with. Is she begining to see her future???

sad dad

quite possible, quite possible...
one of the things every WS (at least my WW) urged me to do after D-Day was to agree to a quick & painless divorce. welcome to reality baby, it ain't that quick and surely not so painless.
so my suggestion here is: stall. do the custody agreement (which you should do anyway in a separation), but otherwise do a super-firm plan B. then wait. from what the other guys here seem to report is that the effect of plan B kicks in after a month or so. if the effect doesn't show after a month, then go with another month. and so on, until YOU definately want to close that chapter in your life. Dont pass the steering wheel to your life to your WW in her current condition.

Nick

Nick,

I haven't really done anything to stall the D process. I haven't needed to. My W seems to be. Maybe she's not stalling it, but she sure isn't pursuing it very aggressively. We have a verbal custody agreement, right now our lawyers are just tweaking the agreement that will be entered into court.

I intend to stay in plan B until either my W decides to give our marriage a try or until I no longer want it and am ready to move on, whichever comes first. Even then, I will likely stay in plan B until I feel that contact with her will no longer hurt me. Who knows how long that might be.

sad dad

just bumping